Goosebumps Most Wanted #5: Dr Maniac Will See You Now (OR Dr Maniac - Rise of the Silver Surfer)

Blurb

Richard Dreezer loves reading comic books. He spends a lot of his time at the Comic Book Museum in his neighborhood. He even dreams of being a superhero with strange and amazing powers. But when the insanely devious Dr. Maniac appears in the real world, Richard has his hands full. If Richard doesn't do something fast, everything he knows will be destroyed. But how do you reason with a Maniac? Richard better figure it out fast because the doctor is now in...sane.

For the original Dr Maniac adventure, click here.

Plot
We open with our protagonist, Richard Dreezer, describing his tendency to sneeze a lot. All the kids at school call him 'Richard Sneezer.' As you would've guessed by now (I mean, I've been doing this for a year now), that's unrealistically creative for kids these days. Richard then exposits that he has a crush on a girl called Bree Birnbaum, and somehow everyone except for our misspelt-cheese-named seductress knows. OK, real talk: have you ever met anyone and known who their crush is? Also, I feel like, as butt of the school's jokes, somebody would've told Bree about it by now. Like Marcus Maloney, for instance, who, while Richard is giving a book report on a graphic novel called War of the Zombie Freakazoids (really? You could've done Watchmen, V for Vendetta, Maus, Seconds, even The Dark Knight Returns... but no, a book called War of the Zombie Freakazoids is your go to?) asks the teacher, Mrs Callus, if you can actually review comic books for their book report. I'm pretty sure, from personal experience, that no 12 year old who isn't invested in comics knows that graphic novels are told in comic form. Suddenly, however, when Richard sneezes onto a girl in the front row, Mrs Callus calmly responds by chucking Richard out of the window.

Yeah, scratch that. It was just a daydream. Or, at least, the "getting thrown out the window" part was. OK, who has daydreams that spontaneously? Mrs C just says, "Yeah, let's do that book report later." Richard remarks to himself that he'll never hear the end of him drowning a teacher in snot. I don't know man, people were pretty cool about it when Melvin Sneedly did so.


After school, Richard's parents pick him up. Mum tells him that she saw an ad for an allergist ("an allergy doctor," as she puts it), and, since doctors who advertise in newspapers are always trustworthy, she's signed Richard up for an appointment with him. Then we get this delightful line from Richard's dad:

"He doesn't need a doctor. He needs to man up."

This, I feel, is deserving of the blog's first profanity.

Ok, here goes.

Just need to get ready.

Alright, I'm doing it.

Ffffffforget you sir.

Nevermind. Anyway, the arrive at the allergists. The sign reads, "DR ROOT. ALLERGIST AND (no, I'm not kidding here) REALLY GOOD DOCTOR." Mum and Dad run off to pick up Richard's Jackson Standler of a little brother, Ernie, from pottery class, and Richard, a 12 year old boy, is sent into the office of a doctor who he and his parents don't know, by himself.

Dr R (as in Dr Root, not the bloke from Deep Trouble II) tells us stuff we already know, and then says he's about to give him a shot. Dr R then pulls out an enourmous needle, causing Richard to immediately faint dead away. Maybe his Dad had a point after all. Richard wakes up, and apparently Dr R gave him the shot while he was knocked out. I don't know the entirety of the Hippocratic oath or anything else relating to medical etiquette, but I'm pretty sure that, well... take it away, Mayor Kravindish!

Yeah, his name's Mayor Kravindish. Probably shouldn't have taken me a year to notice that.

Anyway, after this, Richard heads over to his towns comic book museum... which is a thing you have in small towns... and goes to see the curator, Kahuna. Kahuna tells Richard that he's got something for Richard to check out - the only 2 issues of a comic called "The Masked Monkey." Congratulations, publisher, you sold as many copies as Solson's 'Sultry Teenage Super Foxes,' AND simultaneously validated Arm-Fall-Off Boy's existence for like the 6th time in the past year. As Richard sets off for the reading room, passing statues of Captain Protoplasm, Martian Mayhem (what?), and Plutopus (WHAT?), he hears an awful yelling and crying. Since the reading room is locked, he doubles back to check on Kahuna. Kahuna's gone, but standing there is a guy with no pupils or irises. His eyes are completely white. Oh, come on, artist! Eyes aren't that hard to draw! Despite the fact that there is nowhere that light can enter his eyes, the man can see perfectly fine. He tells Richard that Kahuna had to leave. Richard just runs out, because the man starts asking questions he has no idea how to answer. Do you run out of your classroom when the teacher asks a difficult question, too, Richard?

Back home, Richard realises that he forgot to put the Masked Monkey comics back. After tea. (*deep breath*) HOW THE HELL DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT YOU WERE CARRYING 2 RARE AND COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL COMICS UNTIL, LIKE, HALF 6 IN THE EVENING? Also, suspicions are raised on Richard's relationship with his parents. (Not in the book, but certainly with us.)

I dropped a carrot on the floor, and Mum and Dad started shouting about what a clumsy klutz I am. Then I sneezed on my dinner plate, [Charlie's note: Yeah, the shot didn't work. I couldn't find a sutable point to mention it to you.] and they told me to leave the table.

OK, now might be the time for Richard to call whatever they have in America instead of Childline. (Right, lets try the blog's first profanity again) Mr and Mrs Dreezer are complete and utter Ssssssstupid ccccccomplete assstonishingly terrible people. DAMMIT!

Richard pops off to his room to read the Masked Monkey comics, which he resolves to return to the museum the next day. As he's reading the Masked Monkey's adventures, he hears the thud of footsteps and probably wishes he was reading the comics on the toilet, as Ernie bursts in and grabs both comics. Richard immediately tries to get them back off Ernie, what with them being valuable and not his, when suddenly Mum appears out of the shadows. Mum tells Richard off for being mean to Ernie. Alright, I'm calling the cops.

Getting his comics back, Richard jumps on his bed and yells aloud that he's the Masked Monkey. Congratulations, Richard! You may not be the worst protagonist we've ever had, but you certainly are the lamest. And, if him looking like a fool wasn't enough, Bree Birnhaum (his crush from earlier) is now standing in his doorway. How did she get in here? Well, the book doesn't tell us, so, since it's a staple of the blog and we haven't seen it in quite some time, and going to assume she broke into the house. However, straight away I'm feeling like Bree is the worst choice for a crush ever.

I think I had a crush on her when I was five. Even after she dumped the class ant farm on my head.

Well, I suppose we need a new recurring character with a nickname: similar to Madame Doom (alias "Bootleg Zoltar," Bree shall be nicknamed Lois Pain in the A- you know what, I'm getting AdSense this week; it's probably not worth it. Instead, I shall call her "Lois Pain-in-the Neck." Bree tells Richard that she was chosen as his partner for some museum project they're doing (2 horrible garbage people who hate each other? This'll work well), and he didn't know because he was not paying attention whatsoever. Would they not have written this down somewhere? And somehow nobody else knows either, so Richard can't tell anyone. Richard proposes that they do it at the comic book museum, so that he can do all the work. You know, the comic book museum where, for all we know, the curator was murdered?

The next day, Richard is walking to school, when he sees 2 superheroes on a nearby roof: Captain Croaker (*slams head on desk*), and his sidekick, Timmy Tadpole (*slams desk onto head*). All day, he's thinking about it, until he goes to the comic book museum to meet up with Lois Pain-in-the-Neck. However, Kahuna's missing. Outside is a character called the Snakeman from Saturn, who politely tells Richard that the museum is closed. Then he casually swings off into the sunset like Spiderman, web and all. I don't think snakes produce webs. They don't even have arms; what would they swing from?

Ignoring the Snake person who told him the museum is closed, Richard strolls in, where he finds Lois Pain-in-the-Neck, along with the cause of Richard's clear neglect/abuse from his parents. Lois PitN suggests leaving, when suddenly, she sees a costumed figure. He wears a leopard-skin cape and yellow-feathered boots. His hair is twisted and all over the place. He laughs like a hyena. The opening instrumental from Welcome to the Jungle is probably playing just to convey how awesome he is. Yeah, that's right.

It's Dr Maniac.

Dr Maniac may be a supervillain, but he's here to save the story with his sharp tongued wit. 

"Where am I? Is this Cincinnati? How did I get to Cincinnati?"

Looks like taking that left toin at Albequerque was a mistake, doc. Dr Maniac, suddenly bellows that Richard is his nemesis in a cunning disguise, and, after a quick uttering of his catchphrase ("I'm not crazy - I'm a MANIAC!"), he grabs Richard.

"Look up. You're about to meet CAPTAIN CEILING!"

Dr Maniac then realises that Richard probably isn't his arch-nemesis (who we'll meet in a second), and starts doing his thing.

"Ouch. Hey, if I'm not real, how come I just pinched myself and it hurt?"

Suddenly, another villain, Slugmaster Slime (why) slithers into the room, and exchanges some banter with Dr Maniac, but you're probably sick of all the quotes, so I won't write any of it down. If you care, buy the book. Bree, being reasonable, turns to leave, when suddenly, an enourmous man dressed in purple with a bright red face appears in her path. Yeah, it's the Purple Rage.

The Purple Rage starts yelling at the good Doctor, and dives at him, however Dr Maniac ducks, causing the Purple Rage to plow straight into Richard. Somehow, Richard doesn't die, but I guess that's because giant purple supervillains are the one thing he's not allergic to. He goes to punch Richard out of the story (good riddance), but Lois Pain-in-the-Neck restrains the arm of the 7 foot, super strong supervillain created from one of Thor's screams. You know what? Screw Lois Pain-in-the-Neck; Meg Oliver (from Weirdo Halloween parts 1 and 2) is back (Well, OK, it's actually SuperMeg Prime, but you probably don't care)! Suddenly, a hero called The Star Spangled Banger (But not his sidekick, the Star-Spangled Mash), appears, and beats up the Purple Rage. You know, I've just realised that, despite the fact that they're arch enemies, we've never seen Dr Maniac fight the Purple Rage. Somebody draw that and email it to me!

Dr Maniac then tells Richard, Ernie, and SuperMeg Prime that the comic book world (the dimension he and the other comic book characters are from) is in danger. There's a breach between the gateway to there and the real world, so now superheroes and villains are leaking out into the real world. And, if this keeps up, it'll be global pandemonium. And SuperMeg Prime is just all "This is boring; can I go home now?" Dr Maniac, however, says that they have to stay, for he has a cunning plan... but only in the sense that Baldrick would come up with it. He plans to hold Richard, Ernie, and SuperMeg Prime hostage, and torture them with tarantulas, so that all the other characters will race back and save them, while Dr Maniac sends them all back to the comic book universe. I'm not sure whether to comment on how not all the characters will show up, or the fact that this seems eerily similar to the Purple Rage's plan in the first Dr Maniac book. Before Dr Maniac can start torturing our "heroes," Richard grabs a feather off of his boot and tickles Dr Maniac with it, causing the good Doctor to laugh himself into incapacitation. And that's how they escape.

Richard, Ernie, and SuperMeg Prime race to the Dreezer household, where they find that Mum and Dad have been shoved into cages by Captain Croaker and Terry Tadpole. WHY THEM, OF ALL PEOPLE? SuperMeg Prime tries to leave, but Captain Croaker grabs her with his tongue, also referring to the 12 year old girl as "babe." Ernie rushes upstairs, and brings down his dead fly collection. Which is a thing normal boys own. Croaker says that they're full and vegetarians, but Terry Tadpole dives onto the floor and starts gobbling them up. Captain Croaker goes to stop him, releasing SuperMeg Prime. The gang escape, leaving Richard's parents behind. I'd complain, but, from what I've seen, they can die both painfully and humiliatingly. Maybe we could get them on Stupid Deaths.

SuperMeg Prime says that they should probably go check on her parents, who haven't done anything to warrant dying, when their path is suddenly blocked by one of the Stupid Stinkbugs from Saturn (from Ricky Ricotta's Mighty Robot, a book series I'm sure most of you haven't heard of). Actually, this is Halley Tosis, an insectoid villain with the power of overpoweringly bad breath. Richard, Ernie, and SuperMeg Prime start gagging themselves into submission, when suddenly, the Purple Rage flies in and beats up the stenchy villain. After being angry at everything for a bit, the Purple Rage tells the gang that Dr Maniac was the one who opened the gateway between the comic book world and the real world. Why, you ask? Well, he's a maniac, obviously. Also, apparently, to anger the Purple Rage, but, in all honesty, he could do that by chewing gum and sitting on a park bench reading the newspaper.

The Purple Rage punches in the door of the Comic Book Museum, when, suddenly, Ernie goes missing. 1 down, 2 to go. They eventually find Ernie, being held by Dr Maniac, by the front desk, when suddenly the pair vanish. The Purple Rage concludes that they need to get to the comic book world to catch Dr Maniac, but he can't remember where the entrance is. Richard suggests the wastebasket... because that makes perfect sense... but it's missing. The Purple Rage flips the desk in anger, revealing the entrance to the Comic Book World - a trapdoor. So, the Comic Book World is connected to our world by a single trapdoor in a lame comic book museum? Ok then.

Richard enters the trapdoor, where he plummets into an ocean of some kind. 2 characters, Squisher and Squeezer, the Squid twins (congratulations, now Condiment King is laughing at you), rise up from the water and start attacking him. Where are Mr Belly-Bounce and Deanna Banana when you need them? He escapes, but suddenly gets eaten by an enourmous white whale. Maybe this story's opening line should've been "Call me Richard." Inside of Moby Thick is the Purple Rage and SuperMeg Prime. The Rage frees them by exploding, taking the whale with him. Why does he have to explode in every book he's in? The explosion sends Richard and SuperMeg Prime flying, where they land on a beach. And SuperMeg Prime's leg has fallen off. Urgh, I hate it when that happens. Riichard reasons that, because this is the comic book world, anything's possible, so he sticks SuperMeg Prime's leg back on with no effort whatsoever. I would say that this is stupid, even for comics, but comics have had turning dog poop into gold, letters somehow turning into a person and a dog, and... this.

Yes, that's the Kool-Aid Man.

They walk on, discovering a town, though it's empty. Maybe it was full of theatre kids, and there's a screening of The Greatest Showman halfway across the globe. For whatever reason, Richard and SuperMeg Prime enter a doctor's office, where a secretary sits at the desk. ho is the secretary, you don't sak? Why, none other than the Scarlet Starlet, Dr Maniac's partner in crime/potential love interest! (Hey, it's not the weirdest Goosebumps ship ever created) Then Dr Maniac enters, wearing a lab coatover his supersuit, and partakes in what might be his funniest moments yet.

"Hey, I'm not breathing!" [Dr Maniac] cried. "Somebody call a doctor!"
"You're the doctor" Starlet said from the doorway. "Go to the phone and call yourself!"
"But today is my day off!"

Dr Maniac tells Richard that those squid guys from earlier got Ernie (good riddance), but when Richard says "No, that's not true. That's impossible," Dr Maniac says, "Yeah, you're right. I lied."

"Why is it that I lie all the time? Did I have an unhappy childhood?"
---
"Come to think of it, I had a very happy childhood. So why am I such a terrible liar? Is it because I'm a maniac?"

Suddenly, there's a crash, and the Purple Rage swoops into the room. If you're wondering how he's still alive after exploding into itty-bitty bite-sized pieces, don't worry, it's never explained. And he's also working with Dr Maniac, which is also never explained. So, what's Dr Maniac's evil plan this time around? He plans to draw people from the normal world into the Comic Book World to replace everyone who left when the gateway opened. And he's going to make them all his slaves. Somehow. Since when did this become a book about Slappy? Richard realises that, since anything seems to be possible in the Comic Book World, he might be able to fly out of the room and escapes. It does not go well.

The Purple Rage and Dr Maniac start laughing, so Richard, Ernie, and SuperMeg Prime just leave while they're busy. Suddenly, however, they're blocked by Dr R, the allergist from way back in chapter 4! Don't worry, I didn't expect you to remember him anyway. Dr R tells Richard that this is all a dream, that started when he fainted, but Richard asks SuperMeg Prime to pinch him, and she obliges. This somehow proves that this isn't a dream at all. Dr R confesses that, actually, he's the one who opened the gateway between the comic book world and the real world. He's actually a comic book character called The Root of All Evil. Why why why why why why why why why why why why. Why did he do this? Hell if I know! Suddenly, Richard sneezes with such force that Dr R is sent flying backwards. Dr Maniac and the Purple Rage rush to see what's going on, but Richard quickly takes them out as SuperMeg Prime and Ernie escape. OK, this is pretty enjoyable, I'll admit.

Richard runs outside, where all the comic book characters have returned. Why, you ask? Well, they were bored with the real world. No, really, that's it. Unfortunately, the door to the real world is closed. Except, wait, it isn't, there's a nearby staircase that leads to the slightly open trapdoor. However, when Richard gets to the top of the stairs, he's attacked by the Masked Monkey. Oh God, why must I be tormented by this idiot once more? Luckily, however, he sneezes the monkey off of his forehead. (Note to new people: No, this doesn't happen often round here.)

Richard climbs out of the trapdoor, where his parents (*audience boos*) and SuperMeg Prime are waiting. However, Richard quickly realises that his lot in life is, well, not the best, and he drops back down the trapdoor to start a new life battling supervillains.

Suddenly, as Richard is about to fight Dr Maniac, the Purple Rage, and Dr R, Ernie shows up. Turns out he didn't make it up the trap door, and Richard's now stuck dealing with him forever. Yes, this is how the story that marks the one-year anniversary of this blog closes. But, in a way, it strangely fits with Goosebumps - how something so big can end so ridiculously.

Extra Toppings
Apparently, Richard's skin gets a rash after eating potato chips. Google tells me that this is known as a corn allergy, but of course Richard's mum has to boil everything down to the point where there's only gas left.
Ernie doesn't so much partake in pottery as he does throw clay at everyone else. Oh god, he is Jackson Standler!
The Purple Rage's backstory has been updated downgraded. Instead of being created from one of Thor's screams (come on, guys, Disney don't own Norse mythology), he is now from Planet Angry. That's it.

Any Questions?
So, if Dr Maniac, the Purple Rage, and the Scarlet Starlet were part of a webcomic created by a 12 year old, why would they be in a comic book museum in the first place? Even the wiki doesn't know. Seriously, look it up.

Conclusion
Dr Maniac Will See You Now is alright. The comedy's hilarious, and the ending is really good. Well, except for Ernie showing up, obvs. However, all the characters (minus Dr Maniac, the Purple rage, and the Scarlet Starlet) are either boring or unlikable, a lot of the ideas are completely ludicrous, and plot points that should be brought up more are mentioned once or twice. Overall, worth it to see Dr Maniac.

I hope you've enjoyed this first year of The Werewolf's New House. May the next year be all the better (but not in terms of literary quality).

Next Time: The first anniversary of the blog concludes with the return of the Monster Blood, but thankfully not Matt Daniels.