 |
| Wow, Luke and Clay are much younger than I imagined them to be. |
Disclaimer: This is not Goosebumps Horrorland #11. This serves instead as a (slightly better) direct sequel to One Day at Horrorland. Links in this disclaimer to both.
Previously on One Day At Horrorland!
The Morris family - Mum, Dad, Lizzy, and Luke - and Luke's friend Clay were supposed to be going to the lame-sounding theme park, Zoo Gardens, but got lost because Dad was an idiot and left the map on the kitchen table and didn't remember until they were in the desert. Luckily, they discovered an ad for the theme park Horrorland. Then their car blew up and they encountered many, many near-death experiences that are fixed by them doing nothing and being really lucky. Eventually, it turned out that the whole thing was for a reality TV show. Then it turned out that, to the shock of no-one reading the book, the Horrors (the people who ran the park) turned out to be actual monsters. Then it turned out that they deflated when being pinched, which Lizzie and the gang used to escape. Then it turned out that the Horrors leave the keys in the random buses that were in the car park for no reason. Then, when they got home, they found a Horror clinging to the back offering them free passes.
Plot
Escape from Horrorland is a full-motion video point and click game. Right, there's the gameplay for you. Let's crack on!
We open on a dark and stormy night, with Lizzy Morris summoning the player to her house. Roll call time!
- Lizzie "Useless" Morris, the narrator from the first Horrorland book. Rarely actually does anything.
- Luke "Mad Pincher" Morris, Lizzie's annoying younger brother. Never actually does anything.
- Clay "Reasonable" Lastnameunrevealed, Luke's best friend. Is seen hanging out with Luke so much that he ought to move in with the Morrises.
- Scooter. No, not Lily's high-school ex from How I Met Your Mother; it's Lizzie's dog. Wait, they have a dog?
- Donut Steel, action hero extraordinaire/the player. Looks like a fusion between Duke Nukem and Homer Simpson. Made up by me for this review. So called because he's best friends with Lizzie (as in Original Character, donut steel.)
Actually, Luke and Clay aren't here at the moment. Lizzie explains to Donut (I regret nothing) in a terribly stupid (albeit well acted. Until monsieur Steel stops believing her)that they were teleported to somewhere (could it be Disneyland Paris, perchance?) by the tickets that the Horror on the back of the bus gave them at the end of the first book. And then I guess the Horror just drove off or whatever after that. Anyway, suddenly, Lizzie and Mr Steel notice that Lizzie's ticket is glowing, and she's suddenly transported to Horrorland. Hmm, where have I heard this before? (Admittedly, this was, like, 15 years before that, so it can get away with it) Then Donut gets teleported away too. Death-Trap-Topia, here we come for one last party! Get out the poisoned champagne!
Donut and Lizzie wind up in Werewolf Village, that place that is constantly mentioned, but only seen once. And the moon is full. Lizzie runs off, in pursuit of Luke and Clay, when she hears one of their voices. Citizen Steel, on the other hand, remains here. He nips into the Full Moon cafe, but it blows. Nothing's there except a couple Horrorland tokens and a piano that you can almost play. He leaves without paying for his drink (that's illegal, even at Horrorland!), and strolls around. Then Mr Steel finds Lizzie, Luke and Clay... and the latter pair are stuck in stocks. For some reason. Luke and Clay are good actors on their part, even with some of their dialogue. Lizzie starts grilling them, but Luke points out that they're stuck in stocks, and would like to be set free. Lizzie says she'll find a key, but since this is the Morris family, and that would require doing something, guess who's gotta do it for her?
Donut heads off to Horrorland Plaza (for the record, Zombie Plaza is a much better name for the place), where he starts his quest to set Clay free. Oh, and Luke too, I guess. Don't worry, we could always switch Clay and Lizzie round; I'm sure Mr Morris won't mind. After cleaning up the Horrorland museum (yeah, Horrorland has a museum now. I don't know why either, but, hey, Monster Dentist Office.) with a mop, he gets a stick by decapitating a mop with a guillotine. My, this isn't cryptic at all! Then he uses the stick to prop open a case containing 'vampire eyewear' (What's that got to do with anything?) and pinch some awesome shades from the case. He doesn't put them on, though, being an action hero extraordinaire, I'd assume he's already wearing a much better pair. He instead puts the shades over a laser statue guarding something random, blocking the lasers. Because that is how shades work. Then he swipes the thingymajig, and leaves the museum. That's robbery, dude!
Suddenly, Lizzie teleports next to him, when they both hear burning. Werewolf Vilalge is on fire! For some reason! Seriously, Madison (we'll meet him later), that's no way to decommission your attractions! Lizzie, actually doing something for once, dives through the gap in the flames to rescue Luke and Clay, which then seals up. Wow, she's actually doing something! Is this the moment of her heroic death? 'Course not! She's still alive, according to the other sequels. So, naturally, it's up to Donut Steel to save the day.... by turning off some near by gas taps, draining the fire of fuel. I mean, why didn't L-dog do that? Jump into some flames, or turn a tap? Donut then strolls into a butchers.... which they have... and grabs some steak. Then he opens the freezer room, and Lizzie's there! Apparently, she was stuffed in there by a werewolf. What werewolf? And what kind of idiot werewolf just stuffs kids in freezers? Turns out that Luke and Clay had gone from the stocks when Lizzie nearly sacrificed herself. Anyway, Lizzie has a plan to catch the werewolf, and guess who's got to execute it? No-one, because the werewolf jumps through the window like the Kool-Aid man after a year of not shaving. Also, despite the fact that he's only a guy in a costume, his effects still look terrible.
Mr Steel backs away from the savage werewolf, and runs out the back because he doesn't have any weapons to fight it with. What follows is a stupid chase sequence, in which Monsieur Steel runs away from the Werewolf and turns in the directions Lizzie tells him to, until the wolf gets caught in a trap Lizzie had already set up. Or something. I've no idea when that got there. Then Steel clicks on the werewolf until he gets a poorly edited over small hand amulet off of the wolf. Lizzie says that the plan didn't go as expected. I hope to God that the plan didn't involve the slightest chance of Donut Steel getting eaten by a werewolf, or I swear, Lizzie...
Lizzie has found a shortcut from the woods that they fought the werewolf in to Horrorland plaza. Donut and her stroll down the path, and she starts complaining. Then Mr Steel hears her getting muffled, and the next thing, she's gone! So, he continues down the path (because let's face it, Lizzie wouldn't have done a whole lot anyway), and comes to the plaza. There, he finds a note from a man named Madison Storm, who you may know as the original founder of Horrorland from the occasional references I've made to him. Anyway, the note says that he's kidnapped Lizzie to torture her or something. The letter is very alliterative, and it's great at conveying Storm's character.
Steel heads to the Bat Barn, another terrible attraction that's just a barn full of bats that attack you. There are a bunch of pumpkins nearby that make stupid noises, but there's a decent puzzle with them. You have to make the noises spell out the title of a Goosebumps book (for the record, it's The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight). Then a scarecrow shambles up to Monsieur Steel, telling him that he's gonna open the barn. That sounds like a terrible idea. Oh, if only he had a brain! He's not going in, but Donut is. I'm sensing a pattern here. Mr Steel uses the thingy from the museum to scare the bats off, and take a picture of the american cover of Scarecrow Walks at Midnight. Then he just leaves. That was a great scene.
Donut Steel comes out in a graveyard, and goes from there to an Egyptian temple. He uses the hand he got from the werewolf to open the door, and enters. "Well done," says a big face on the wall. "Proceed with caution." Then we have a bunch more puzzles that I'm not going to describe to you, because you'll probably leave and won't meet Mr Storm. Then Donut partakes in some graverobbing, taking a photo, some tokens, and a crow bar. He uses the crowbar to open a mummy case, which a mummy stumbles out of. But luckily, it's just Luke. Apparently, he's been trapped in there for - hey, wait a minute! (Dave! We did this 2 weeks ago!) Apparently he'd been put in there by the Horrors, though he actually pinched one. Then Mr Steel and Luke leave through the vents, going after Clay. I mean, Lizzie's still trapped, but, let's be honest-knowing her, she'll be saved at the last second.
After fighting off a mummy by waving a torch at it, Mr Steel and Luke knock a pillar down, and steal the mummy's ring. Which he has. The pair finally end up by the exit. Donut, now being separated from Luke, goes back through the forest to Horrorland Plaza. He goes onto the Doom Slide, where, after almost half the game, he encounters his first Horror. Unfortunately, his voice is a bit muffled, so I don't know what he said, so I'll explain the Doom Slide for him. There are 10 slides, and you have to pick one to go down. If you pick the one 'Doom Slide' (hence the name), you'll be stuck sliding forever. Or at least, that's what they say. It's not, you just come out in another area of the park. Also, for the record, the slides look like tiny mineshafts.
Donut Steel come out at a place called 'Doom.' (Actually, it's Vampire Village, but who cares?) He enters a lab, where he finds Luke. Lizzie is also there... but Mr Storm has turned her into a worm creature. So, being in a room with only 2 Morrises and an action hero extraordinaire, guess who's got to brew up an elixir to fix Lizzie? After Lizzie goes back to normal, Luke tells her and Mr Steel that Mr and Mrs Morris might be there too. He hasn't seen them, but there are some clues. Well, I guess, since they're Morrises, I guess D.S has to do it for everywhere. Oh my God, I've just realised that I'm going to miss these guys. (*sniff*)
Then we have a scene where everyone tries to recreate some ritual that Luke and Donut saw on a wall in the pyramid. Nothing comes out of it aside from the fact that the Mummy's ring is now changing colour a lot.
So, having looked everywhere else (according to Lizzie, anyway), the gang sets off for Castle Dracula, because that's in Horrorland now, and, as we know, there are no other vampires in the history of the world. (Seriously, guys, show Mircalla some love.) Except, maybe not, because there's some creep guarding the gates to Chez Cliche. And he keeps eating bugs and not letting anyone in. So, instead of trying to reason with him like people, Mr Steel just says, "Screw it," and uses the Mummy's ring to keep him up there and paralyse him. Whatever happened to just punching him in the face?
So, everyone nips through the gates (there is no mention of what happens to the gate dude), and enters Castle Cliche. As Donut and the Morrises stroll through the nicely designed set, they come to a dinner table. They lift a platter cover, and underneath is... Clay's head. Don't worry, he's still alive, and he's locked in a box under the table. And the head vampire nicked the key. As Luke stays behind toget out of work keep the limelight on Lizzie guard Clay, Donut and Lizzie tail a vampire to get to the head vampire. Lizzie "disguises" herself as a vampire by putting on a cloak, when the vampire she and Mr Steel have been tailing catches her nand asks what she's doing. Then she chases Lizzie around until Donut Steel saves the day by dropping a fold up bed on the vampire. Then she drops out of existence or something; it looks horrible and makes no sense.
After disguising himself, Donut gives Lizzie the Mummy's ring, with which she intends to hypnotise the head vampire, who is, of course, Dracula. Who else would it be? Then we head into another room, and meet the fanged fiend at last.
And he's played by Jeff Goldblum.
I take back everything negative I said about Dracula being overused.
So, Vlad Goldblum confuses Lizzie with Loki, and starts talking all... I don't actually get it. At least his performance is entertaining. Then Ian Dralcolm starts... dancing with Lizzie? As vampires do. Luckily, Lizzie (sort of) hypnotises him with the ring, so Donut Steel checks his pockets. He doesn't find much; just a trading card, some toothpaste (yes, really), and the handle for Clay's box. Lizzie finally murders the Vladmaster with the ring, and she and Mr Steel return to the others. Then we rescue Clay by solving some sort of puzzle. Yaay. He's free (to criticise our current fashion decisions).
As the gang start to leave, Seth Dracul (Seth Brundle was the Fly in the '88 version) returns, not dead, and starts chasing them. After much running, Lizzie realises, "Hey, we've still got the ring!", pulls it out... and drops it. Luckily, they escape regardless. No idea why that was there, especially since Dracula isn't doing much Goldbluming, but whatever.
As the gang arrive at Coffin Cruise (urrrgh) and start pondering what to do now, Lizzie remembers the film which I guess I was supposed to watch about Madison Storm.
BACKSTORY BREAK
As a child, Madison Storm was ignored by pretty much everyone; kids, adults, even the school bullies. The lifetime of loneliness and isolation drove him mad, causing him to want everyone else to feel the way he did. Hence, he created Horrorland in order to make everyone as mad as him. Using science, he created various monsters, including the iconic Horrors. The Horrors, and the other monsters he attracted to Horrorland using his monster attractor machine (well, that explains how Captain Slap wound up in Chiller House), would terrorise the guests to this park. And, finally, they would film the torture and suffering that each family, each child, each person would endure to monsters across the world. Wow. They actually made the Horrorland Hidden Camera Show... not stupid. Gotta say, I'm impressed.
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
So, anyway, Luke realises that Storm must've brought the Morris parents here using his monster attractor machine. Oh my God, the Morrises are vampires or something! How can I prove this, you ask? Well, them getting into a bunch of coffins might be a bit of an indicator. OK, so they're just riding Coffin Cruise. Donut Steel, laughing in the face of rides that are impossible to overcome, gets in a coffin, and the lid shuts. As he waits for it to be over, he squashes bugs inside the coffin, who make sounds like a constipated Cousin Itt when squished.
After Coffin Cruise, the gang arrive at some kind of temple or something. Outside, Monsieur Steel finds a Horrorland ticket, as well as control panel of some kind. This activates some fire torches outside, which- you know what, this isn't what you came here for; lets just move on.
Inside the temple, the gang come across various disgusting creatures that Donut Steel grabs various items from. Again, this ain't what you came for. Although there is a skeleton in the shower whom Donut rudely butts in on. Eventually, the gang come across a gigantic octopus, which grabs Clay. Don't worry, he escapes on his own (I mean, without D.S, he'd be Goldblum food by now, so nobody would've come to his rescue anytime soon). We move on, and come to the next exhibit...bad actors the Morris parents. They tell Lizzie and Luke to save themselves, but, since that would require effort and no outside help, L&L say that they'll let the parents out. Which is obviously the default strategy, as Mr Steel opens the lock, but, because it seems that you have to be completely useless at least once to be in this game, he waits until after the Morris parents get dragged away by Horrors through a back door.
The gang head through the back door into abad green screen arena full of bad costumes monsters, including Jeff Goldblum, eagerly watching as the Morris parents are placed on a diving board or whatever. Madison Storm exposits over the intercom that, after the Morrises and Clay escaped Lawsuit-opolis, the monsters at the park started to worry that Storm was losing his edge. No, seriously, why can't the game be about them? So, Storm brought the gang back to kill them. Goes without saying, but
However, before he can, Clay gives a shout. Doing something noteworthy for once in his life (that isn't getting captured), Clay snuck up to the top of the tower and found Madison Storm's monster attractor. Somehow. And it's going to shoot all the monsters back to where they came from, leaving them homeless, broke, and unemployed. Nice job, Clay! However, there's a catch: Storm reveals that, if the monster atrractor is tampered with, it'll blow up, taking the entire theme park, and everyone in it, probably including him, with it. Again, nice job, Clay!
Luke, Lizzie, and Donut rush off to the top of the tower. They all get in a lift (Lizzie doesn't even press the button), and get to the top. And somehow Luke and Lizzie manage to get captured anyway by the time everyone makes it to the top. A horror called Stump, who I guess I was supposed to run into, appears, and reveals himself as... Madison Storm. And he's only mildly charismatic (I'll take it), and is totally on board with his theme park blowing up, though I'm sure the shareholders aren't. He's even broadcasting it on TV. Why? Actually, it might make for a good series finale for an otherwise dreadful show. As Lizzie, Luke and Clay call for Donut to save the parents and stop the monster attractor from blowing up, Madison says, "Eh, go ahead, it's much to late for anything to matter. Go ahead." So, D.S first fixes the monster attractor, by playing a game of Simon. Madison Storm gets sucked intosome bad CGI the monster attractor, and the kids are free. "Hey, what does this do?" asks Clay, holding up a big red button. Then he presses it. It teleports the gang to outside of Horrorland. Then Clay presses the button again... and Horrorland is covered in terrible special effects blows up. Once more, nice job, Clay!
The next morning, everything's lovely once again. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Clay's going home and therefore not blowing up anything else, and the Morris parents are back! Hoora-wait, what? How? Well, this time, we have an answer. they hitched a ride from the new neighbour, Madison Storm Maddy!
Extra Toppings
Dotted around the park are little videos that inform you about your location. At Vampire Village, the SJV (Social Justice Vampire) tells Donut that the term "Blind as a bat," should now be changed to "Blind as a small flying mamal." Or something like that; it was very long.
Any Questions?
So... why didn't we hear about Madison Storm in One Day at Horrorland? Also, why did he plan to blow himself and his dream to kingdom come if his magic monster attractor was messed with?
Conclusion
Escape from Horrorland is decent enough. The puzzles are fun, and of course, it's always fun to visit new areas of Horrorland. However, the characters (except for Jeff Goldblum) are dull, the plot is only passable at best, and the whole ending feels incredibly contrived. Overall, I guess it's harmless.
Next time: Ever read Pet Semetary? Good, because they've written the stupid version. And it's exclusive to cats.
Donut and Lizzie wind up in Werewolf Village, that place that is constantly mentioned, but only seen once. And the moon is full. Lizzie runs off, in pursuit of Luke and Clay, when she hears one of their voices. Citizen Steel, on the other hand, remains here. He nips into the Full Moon cafe, but it blows. Nothing's there except a couple Horrorland tokens and a piano that you can almost play. He leaves without paying for his drink (that's illegal, even at Horrorland!), and strolls around. Then Mr Steel finds Lizzie, Luke and Clay... and the latter pair are stuck in stocks. For some reason. Luke and Clay are good actors on their part, even with some of their dialogue. Lizzie starts grilling them, but Luke points out that they're stuck in stocks, and would like to be set free. Lizzie says she'll find a key, but since this is the Morris family, and that would require doing something, guess who's gotta do it for her?
Donut heads off to Horrorland Plaza (for the record, Zombie Plaza is a much better name for the place), where he starts his quest to set Clay free. Oh, and Luke too, I guess. Don't worry, we could always switch Clay and Lizzie round; I'm sure Mr Morris won't mind. After cleaning up the Horrorland museum (yeah, Horrorland has a museum now. I don't know why either, but, hey, Monster Dentist Office.) with a mop, he gets a stick by decapitating a mop with a guillotine. My, this isn't cryptic at all! Then he uses the stick to prop open a case containing 'vampire eyewear' (What's that got to do with anything?) and pinch some awesome shades from the case. He doesn't put them on, though, being an action hero extraordinaire, I'd assume he's already wearing a much better pair. He instead puts the shades over a laser statue guarding something random, blocking the lasers. Because that is how shades work. Then he swipes the thingymajig, and leaves the museum. That's robbery, dude!
Suddenly, Lizzie teleports next to him, when they both hear burning. Werewolf Vilalge is on fire! For some reason! Seriously, Madison (we'll meet him later), that's no way to decommission your attractions! Lizzie, actually doing something for once, dives through the gap in the flames to rescue Luke and Clay, which then seals up. Wow, she's actually doing something! Is this the moment of her heroic death? 'Course not! She's still alive, according to the other sequels. So, naturally, it's up to Donut Steel to save the day.... by turning off some near by gas taps, draining the fire of fuel. I mean, why didn't L-dog do that? Jump into some flames, or turn a tap? Donut then strolls into a butchers.... which they have... and grabs some steak. Then he opens the freezer room, and Lizzie's there! Apparently, she was stuffed in there by a werewolf. What werewolf? And what kind of idiot werewolf just stuffs kids in freezers? Turns out that Luke and Clay had gone from the stocks when Lizzie nearly sacrificed herself. Anyway, Lizzie has a plan to catch the werewolf, and guess who's got to execute it? No-one, because the werewolf jumps through the window like the Kool-Aid man after a year of not shaving. Also, despite the fact that he's only a guy in a costume, his effects still look terrible.
Lizzie has found a shortcut from the woods that they fought the werewolf in to Horrorland plaza. Donut and her stroll down the path, and she starts complaining. Then Mr Steel hears her getting muffled, and the next thing, she's gone! So, he continues down the path (because let's face it, Lizzie wouldn't have done a whole lot anyway), and comes to the plaza. There, he finds a note from a man named Madison Storm, who you may know as the original founder of Horrorland from the occasional references I've made to him. Anyway, the note says that he's kidnapped Lizzie to torture her or something. The letter is very alliterative, and it's great at conveying Storm's character.
Steel heads to the Bat Barn, another terrible attraction that's just a barn full of bats that attack you. There are a bunch of pumpkins nearby that make stupid noises, but there's a decent puzzle with them. You have to make the noises spell out the title of a Goosebumps book (for the record, it's The Scarecrow Walks at Midnight). Then a scarecrow shambles up to Monsieur Steel, telling him that he's gonna open the barn. That sounds like a terrible idea. Oh, if only he had a brain! He's not going in, but Donut is. I'm sensing a pattern here. Mr Steel uses the thingy from the museum to scare the bats off, and take a picture of the american cover of Scarecrow Walks at Midnight. Then he just leaves. That was a great scene.
Donut Steel comes out in a graveyard, and goes from there to an Egyptian temple. He uses the hand he got from the werewolf to open the door, and enters. "Well done," says a big face on the wall. "Proceed with caution." Then we have a bunch more puzzles that I'm not going to describe to you, because you'll probably leave and won't meet Mr Storm. Then Donut partakes in some graverobbing, taking a photo, some tokens, and a crow bar. He uses the crowbar to open a mummy case, which a mummy stumbles out of. But luckily, it's just Luke. Apparently, he's been trapped in there for - hey, wait a minute! (Dave! We did this 2 weeks ago!) Apparently he'd been put in there by the Horrors, though he actually pinched one. Then Mr Steel and Luke leave through the vents, going after Clay. I mean, Lizzie's still trapped, but, let's be honest-knowing her, she'll be saved at the last second.
After fighting off a mummy by waving a torch at it, Mr Steel and Luke knock a pillar down, and steal the mummy's ring. Which he has. The pair finally end up by the exit. Donut, now being separated from Luke, goes back through the forest to Horrorland Plaza. He goes onto the Doom Slide, where, after almost half the game, he encounters his first Horror. Unfortunately, his voice is a bit muffled, so I don't know what he said, so I'll explain the Doom Slide for him. There are 10 slides, and you have to pick one to go down. If you pick the one 'Doom Slide' (hence the name), you'll be stuck sliding forever. Or at least, that's what they say. It's not, you just come out in another area of the park. Also, for the record, the slides look like tiny mineshafts.
Donut Steel come out at a place called 'Doom.' (Actually, it's Vampire Village, but who cares?) He enters a lab, where he finds Luke. Lizzie is also there... but Mr Storm has turned her into a worm creature. So, being in a room with only 2 Morrises and an action hero extraordinaire, guess who's got to brew up an elixir to fix Lizzie? After Lizzie goes back to normal, Luke tells her and Mr Steel that Mr and Mrs Morris might be there too. He hasn't seen them, but there are some clues. Well, I guess, since they're Morrises, I guess D.S has to do it for everywhere. Oh my God, I've just realised that I'm going to miss these guys. (*sniff*)
Then we have a scene where everyone tries to recreate some ritual that Luke and Donut saw on a wall in the pyramid. Nothing comes out of it aside from the fact that the Mummy's ring is now changing colour a lot.
So, having looked everywhere else (according to Lizzie, anyway), the gang sets off for Castle Dracula, because that's in Horrorland now, and, as we know, there are no other vampires in the history of the world. (Seriously, guys, show Mircalla some love.) Except, maybe not, because there's some creep guarding the gates to Chez Cliche. And he keeps eating bugs and not letting anyone in. So, instead of trying to reason with him like people, Mr Steel just says, "Screw it," and uses the Mummy's ring to keep him up there and paralyse him. Whatever happened to just punching him in the face?
So, everyone nips through the gates (there is no mention of what happens to the gate dude), and enters Castle Cliche. As Donut and the Morrises stroll through the nicely designed set, they come to a dinner table. They lift a platter cover, and underneath is... Clay's head. Don't worry, he's still alive, and he's locked in a box under the table. And the head vampire nicked the key. As Luke stays behind to
After disguising himself, Donut gives Lizzie the Mummy's ring, with which she intends to hypnotise the head vampire, who is, of course, Dracula. Who else would it be? Then we head into another room, and meet the fanged fiend at last.
And he's played by Jeff Goldblum.
I take back everything negative I said about Dracula being overused.
So, Vlad Goldblum confuses Lizzie with Loki, and starts talking all... I don't actually get it. At least his performance is entertaining. Then Ian Dralcolm starts... dancing with Lizzie? As vampires do. Luckily, Lizzie (sort of) hypnotises him with the ring, so Donut Steel checks his pockets. He doesn't find much; just a trading card, some toothpaste (yes, really), and the handle for Clay's box. Lizzie finally murders the Vladmaster with the ring, and she and Mr Steel return to the others. Then we rescue Clay by solving some sort of puzzle. Yaay. He's free (to criticise our current fashion decisions).
As the gang start to leave, Seth Dracul (Seth Brundle was the Fly in the '88 version) returns, not dead, and starts chasing them. After much running, Lizzie realises, "Hey, we've still got the ring!", pulls it out... and drops it. Luckily, they escape regardless. No idea why that was there, especially since Dracula isn't doing much Goldbluming, but whatever.
As the gang arrive at Coffin Cruise (urrrgh) and start pondering what to do now, Lizzie remembers the film which I guess I was supposed to watch about Madison Storm.
BACKSTORY BREAK
As a child, Madison Storm was ignored by pretty much everyone; kids, adults, even the school bullies. The lifetime of loneliness and isolation drove him mad, causing him to want everyone else to feel the way he did. Hence, he created Horrorland in order to make everyone as mad as him. Using science, he created various monsters, including the iconic Horrors. The Horrors, and the other monsters he attracted to Horrorland using his monster attractor machine (well, that explains how Captain Slap wound up in Chiller House), would terrorise the guests to this park. And, finally, they would film the torture and suffering that each family, each child, each person would endure to monsters across the world. Wow. They actually made the Horrorland Hidden Camera Show... not stupid. Gotta say, I'm impressed.
AND NOW, BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING
So, anyway, Luke realises that Storm must've brought the Morris parents here using his monster attractor machine. Oh my God, the Morrises are vampires or something! How can I prove this, you ask? Well, them getting into a bunch of coffins might be a bit of an indicator. OK, so they're just riding Coffin Cruise. Donut Steel, laughing in the face of rides that are impossible to overcome, gets in a coffin, and the lid shuts. As he waits for it to be over, he squashes bugs inside the coffin, who make sounds like a constipated Cousin Itt when squished.
After Coffin Cruise, the gang arrive at some kind of temple or something. Outside, Monsieur Steel finds a Horrorland ticket, as well as control panel of some kind. This activates some fire torches outside, which- you know what, this isn't what you came here for; lets just move on.
Inside the temple, the gang come across various disgusting creatures that Donut Steel grabs various items from. Again, this ain't what you came for. Although there is a skeleton in the shower whom Donut rudely butts in on. Eventually, the gang come across a gigantic octopus, which grabs Clay. Don't worry, he escapes on his own (I mean, without D.S, he'd be Goldblum food by now, so nobody would've come to his rescue anytime soon). We move on, and come to the next exhibit...
The gang head through the back door into a
Luke, Lizzie, and Donut rush off to the top of the tower. They all get in a lift (Lizzie doesn't even press the button), and get to the top. And somehow Luke and Lizzie manage to get captured anyway by the time everyone makes it to the top. A horror called Stump, who I guess I was supposed to run into, appears, and reveals himself as... Madison Storm. And he's only mildly charismatic (I'll take it), and is totally on board with his theme park blowing up, though I'm sure the shareholders aren't. He's even broadcasting it on TV. Why? Actually, it might make for a good series finale for an otherwise dreadful show. As Lizzie, Luke and Clay call for Donut to save the parents and stop the monster attractor from blowing up, Madison says, "Eh, go ahead, it's much to late for anything to matter. Go ahead." So, D.S first fixes the monster attractor, by playing a game of Simon. Madison Storm gets sucked into
The next morning, everything's lovely once again. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Clay's going home and therefore not blowing up anything else, and the Morris parents are back! Hoora-wait, what? How? Well, this time, we have an answer. they hitched a ride from the new neighbour,
Extra Toppings
Dotted around the park are little videos that inform you about your location. At Vampire Village, the SJV (Social Justice Vampire) tells Donut that the term "Blind as a bat," should now be changed to "Blind as a small flying mamal." Or something like that; it was very long.
Any Questions?
So... why didn't we hear about Madison Storm in One Day at Horrorland? Also, why did he plan to blow himself and his dream to kingdom come if his magic monster attractor was messed with?
Conclusion
Escape from Horrorland is decent enough. The puzzles are fun, and of course, it's always fun to visit new areas of Horrorland. However, the characters (except for Jeff Goldblum) are dull, the plot is only passable at best, and the whole ending feels incredibly contrived. Overall, I guess it's harmless.
Next time: Ever read Pet Semetary? Good, because they've written the stupid version. And it's exclusive to cats.
Comments
Post a Comment
Please don't be offensive down there. That is all. Good day.