So, Screams in the Night is the adaptation of the Goosebumps stage play. So, it only makes sense that we should get a familiar cast in to perform it! (Yes, this is just a clever excuse to write about these characters again. So sue me.) Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the Werewolf's New Polytechnic Drama Society in Screams in the Night!
THE CAST OF TONIGHT'S PERFORMANCE OF 'GOOSEBUMPS: LIVE ON STAGE: SCREAMS IN THE NIGHT'
Jessie shall be played by Carly Beth Caldwell, from The Haunted Mask.
Josh shall be played by Billy Deep, from Deep Trouble. Don't know what you were expecting, really.
Jamie shall be played by Molly Molloy, from Revenge of the Living Dummy.
Skate (Thank God I don't have to write that name ever again) shall be played by Matt Daniels, from Monster Blood for Breakfast.
Mr Gander shall be played by Dr Maniac, PhD, from Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz and its sequel.
Dr Barton shall be played by Jackson Stander, from Son of Slappy. Jackson is the most insufferable pile of garbage ever created by man.
Slappy the Dummy shall be played by himself. Because if I don't, I will be assassinated by the fandom very soon after this goes live.
Directed by Charlie Valentine
Written by Rupert Holmes, writer of the Pina Colada song. How the mighty fall.
Music by PowerWolf. Because I have to shoehorn them in somehow.
Directed by Charlie Valentine
Written by Rupert Holmes, writer of the Pina Colada song. How the mighty fall.
Music by PowerWolf. Because I have to shoehorn them in somehow.
Intro: Maniac the Conqueror
The curtains rise on Carly Beth, Billy, Molly Molloy, and Matt Daniels, walking home from a basketball game they went to their school to see. As teens do. (Yeah, like the movie, there's no 12 year olds in this book. Carly Beth is 14, Billy and Matt are 13, and Molly Molloy is 9) Since nobody ever showed up to pick them up, and this is 1998, they decide to walk home. Coming across a bookshop known as The Doomsday Bookshop, they decide to pop in, in case there's a phone they can use to call their parents. And maybe they'll pick up a copy of the first British Census while they're there.
Within, the gang are met with a large animatronic gorilla that turns into the world's greatest supervillain, Dr Maniac. I'd put a picture of people cheering like I usually do when the good doctor shows up, but I'm more intrigued as to how the hell they pulled that off onstage. Anyway, after Dr Maniac hands them a phone and regails us with this comedy gem -
"Cross your heart and hope to dial."
-Carly Beth comes across Captain Slap, who I guess was chilling in the bookshop on holiday, along with a leather bound book titled only "Goosebumps." Yes, in a similar vein to Escape from the Carnival of Horrors, the play revolves around the main characters knowing a lot about Goosebumps. Sadly, it is nowhere near as fun. Anyway, Dr Maniac says that they can't look in the book, probably because if they did, they'd be attacked by bloodthirsty lawn gnomes that emerged from it. Believe me when I say that this isn't the stupidest thing I'll talk about today. Luckily, the book comes with magic lantern slides, whatever those are. (If you know, tell me what they are as soon as possible, and congratulations on having a 4-digit IQ) And, as such, Dr Maniac regails the gang with a tale called:
Stay Out of the Attic (or, how I learned to start worrying and hate the lizards)
Anyone familiar with another Goosebumps story, Stay Out of the Basement, knows that this story is clearly paying homage to the aforementioned book. However, despite borrowing numerous plot elements from it, it is nowhere near as good, nor does it makes as much sense.
We open our tale with Dr Jackson Stander, with a joint degree in zoology and 1-dimensionality, is feeding his geckos one morning, as Carly Beth and Billy are fighting about Billy stealing CB's diary. Yeah, the 2 stories Dr Maniac tells the gang star them as the main characters. Anyway, Dr Stander's been getting way too into lizards recently, though thankfully he has the decency to keep his fanart off the internet. One night, Carly Beth catches Dr Stander eating bugs from a zapper. So, he's either training to be the next big survivalist, or he's taking his lizard furry (scaley?) persona to the next level.
After declining Dr S's offer of a snake egg omelette, the gang sneak up to the attic. There, they find a hose which they mistake for a snake, and an giant mysterious cylinder they mistake for a giant mysterious cylinder. Inside is a giant lizard person. So that's what happened to the Liptons from Lizard of Oz! Suddenly, Dr Stander appears out of the shadows, and the gang tell him that his experiments have failed. Bit presumptuous. What if his ultimate goal was to create lizard people? Children today are so close-minded. Anyway, it turns out that this isn't Dr Stander at all - it's just a lizard person from space wearing the Doctor's body. And the giant lizard man in the tube is somehow also Dr Stander. How? Well, the real Doctor Stander helped the alien lizards adapt to Earth's atmosphere, climate, etc.... because that's how adaptation and natural selection work... so they turned him into an anthropomorphic lizard as a reward. Honestly, I would've been just fine with some sort of cake. Maybe Colin the Caterpillar.
The lizard Dr Stander fills the room with knockout gas, and the kids are knocked out. And Dr Stander doesn't get knocked out because lizards can hold their breath for an insanely long amount of time or something. The next morning, Carly Beth, Molly Molloy, and Billy come down to the kitchen, when Matt comes over. Billy tries to tell Matt that Dr Stander's a lizard person, but Carly Beth and Molly Molloy say that he's more of a snake. Yep, the lizards have already taken over the world and stolen everyone's bodies. This would be a much better twist if it was anywhere else. However, Billy's body couldn't serve as host, so Dr Stander's adopting Matt. It's like giving up Sonic 2 for Sonic '06. Meanwhile, Billy will be eaten by the new lizards. Then Dr Stander spits sticky, white.... poison all over Billy, and the story ends before things can get any worse.
Break-Don't Worry, We Forgot About Her Too
Matt commends Dr Maniac's story, commenting that the scariest part was how the characters had their names. And not, say, the wonderfully morbid and pessimistic ending. Suddenly, Carly Beth starts noticing that Molly Molloy's vanished into thin air, and that no-one can remember her. Don't worry, I'm sure the audience couldn't either. To interrupt this, Dr Maniac launches into his second tale. I can't remember what it's called, so I'll just refer to it as:
The Terrifying Tale of How Your Brain Melted Out of Confusion
We kick things off with Carly Beth, Billy, and Matt in a reportedly haunted theatre in the middle of the night. Billy claims that if he can record some ghosts on his camcorder, he'll get an A in science. This would be surprisingly stupid, but anyone familiar with this blog knows that Billy has the intelligence of a squashed grapefruit that's been giving a lobotomy by a drunken elephant, so this is really just par for the course. Suddenly, a bloke called Hank teleports in and acts all ghost-like. And yet nobody realises that he's spectral. He gives Carly Beth a mask that somebody died whilst wearing during a performance of Rumplestiltskin. Does Rumplestiltskin involve any characters that wear masks? Carly Beth puts on the mask, and it fuses to her face. That would be an unusual occurence if this was anyone else.
The gang explore the theatre along with Hank O'NotDead, when Billy goes into a changing booth and comes out dressed as a caveman. I can only imagine he looks much smarter than usual.For whatever reason, he pops back in, and comes back as a 1-eyed monster. Then it's revealed, to the shock of no-one, not even the foetuses of the pregnant ladies in the audience, that Hank is actually a ghost. The ghosts need new blood, whatever that means, so Carly Beth has to die in the same manner as the actress from Rumplestiltskin. For some reason. So, because ghosts apparently don't like being photographed, probably because it reminds them of the characters in Say Cheese and Die Screaming, Carly Beth films Hank, but for whatever reason, she doesn't press the delete button; that would be too obvious. No, she chucks it to Billy, who only presses the delete button in time to stop Carly Beth dying.
So, you may be thinking to yourself, "Well, this is dumb, but it's not really brain-meltingly confusing." Well, hold onto your hats, because here's where things get out of control. A red light flashes, and the gang are teleported to the set of Carnival of Souls. Also, Billy is no longer a monster. Also also, Molly Molloy is here now. Also III: Day of the Dead, there's this carnival dude who's basically Dr Maniac with a big mustache. Dr Mustachiak offers Matt a cup of Monster Blood, but he politely declines.
It starts raining, so, instead of putting on a coat and putting up with it like any reasonable brit would, they run into Slappy's Fun House for shelter, where they find, you guessed it, The Scarlet Starlet. Dr Von Slap then partakes in a series of challenges that probably should've been left out of this novelisation. Yeah, like Alice Cooper, this is probably better as a stage show. However, Alice Cooper is always enjoyable. This never is. After this sequence, Matt mocks Slappy and pours his Monster Blood all over him. Because I guess he'd just been carrying that around this whole time. Despite the fact that Captain Slap doesn't have any sort of digestive system, let alone that he didn't ingest any, he grows to 20 feet tall. Again, I kinda wanna see how they did this. But then, suddenly,
Epilogue - What Just Happened?
They cut back to bookstore for no reason, where Dr Stander's arrived to take the gang home. Then nobody's paying attention to Carly Beth. Turns out that, according to Dr Maniac, while she is a Goosebumps character, Carly Beth's not supposed to be in this story. Molly Molloy was going to be cut, but then the author changed his mind. The big Goosebumps book was her book, but it's not finished yet. Then it turns out that Dr Maniac is actually a puppet being operated by the giant Slappmeister. Then it turns out that the giant Captain Slap is being operated by the giant author. Then the story just stops. I... just... what?
Stay Out of the Attic (or, how I learned to start worrying and hate the lizards)
Anyone familiar with another Goosebumps story, Stay Out of the Basement, knows that this story is clearly paying homage to the aforementioned book. However, despite borrowing numerous plot elements from it, it is nowhere near as good, nor does it makes as much sense.
We open our tale with Dr Jackson Stander, with a joint degree in zoology and 1-dimensionality, is feeding his geckos one morning, as Carly Beth and Billy are fighting about Billy stealing CB's diary. Yeah, the 2 stories Dr Maniac tells the gang star them as the main characters. Anyway, Dr Stander's been getting way too into lizards recently, though thankfully he has the decency to keep his fanart off the internet. One night, Carly Beth catches Dr Stander eating bugs from a zapper. So, he's either training to be the next big survivalist, or he's taking his lizard furry (scaley?) persona to the next level.
After declining Dr S's offer of a snake egg omelette, the gang sneak up to the attic. There, they find a hose which they mistake for a snake, and an giant mysterious cylinder they mistake for a giant mysterious cylinder. Inside is a giant lizard person. So that's what happened to the Liptons from Lizard of Oz! Suddenly, Dr Stander appears out of the shadows, and the gang tell him that his experiments have failed. Bit presumptuous. What if his ultimate goal was to create lizard people? Children today are so close-minded. Anyway, it turns out that this isn't Dr Stander at all - it's just a lizard person from space wearing the Doctor's body. And the giant lizard man in the tube is somehow also Dr Stander. How? Well, the real Doctor Stander helped the alien lizards adapt to Earth's atmosphere, climate, etc.... because that's how adaptation and natural selection work... so they turned him into an anthropomorphic lizard as a reward. Honestly, I would've been just fine with some sort of cake. Maybe Colin the Caterpillar.
The lizard Dr Stander fills the room with knockout gas, and the kids are knocked out. And Dr Stander doesn't get knocked out because lizards can hold their breath for an insanely long amount of time or something. The next morning, Carly Beth, Molly Molloy, and Billy come down to the kitchen, when Matt comes over. Billy tries to tell Matt that Dr Stander's a lizard person, but Carly Beth and Molly Molloy say that he's more of a snake. Yep, the lizards have already taken over the world and stolen everyone's bodies. This would be a much better twist if it was anywhere else. However, Billy's body couldn't serve as host, so Dr Stander's adopting Matt. It's like giving up Sonic 2 for Sonic '06. Meanwhile, Billy will be eaten by the new lizards. Then Dr Stander spits sticky, white.... poison all over Billy, and the story ends before things can get any worse.
Break-Don't Worry, We Forgot About Her Too
Matt commends Dr Maniac's story, commenting that the scariest part was how the characters had their names. And not, say, the wonderfully morbid and pessimistic ending. Suddenly, Carly Beth starts noticing that Molly Molloy's vanished into thin air, and that no-one can remember her. Don't worry, I'm sure the audience couldn't either. To interrupt this, Dr Maniac launches into his second tale. I can't remember what it's called, so I'll just refer to it as:
The Terrifying Tale of How Your Brain Melted Out of Confusion
We kick things off with Carly Beth, Billy, and Matt in a reportedly haunted theatre in the middle of the night. Billy claims that if he can record some ghosts on his camcorder, he'll get an A in science. This would be surprisingly stupid, but anyone familiar with this blog knows that Billy has the intelligence of a squashed grapefruit that's been giving a lobotomy by a drunken elephant, so this is really just par for the course. Suddenly, a bloke called Hank teleports in and acts all ghost-like. And yet nobody realises that he's spectral. He gives Carly Beth a mask that somebody died whilst wearing during a performance of Rumplestiltskin. Does Rumplestiltskin involve any characters that wear masks? Carly Beth puts on the mask, and it fuses to her face. That would be an unusual occurence if this was anyone else.
The gang explore the theatre along with Hank O'NotDead, when Billy goes into a changing booth and comes out dressed as a caveman. I can only imagine he looks much smarter than usual.For whatever reason, he pops back in, and comes back as a 1-eyed monster. Then it's revealed, to the shock of no-one, not even the foetuses of the pregnant ladies in the audience, that Hank is actually a ghost. The ghosts need new blood, whatever that means, so Carly Beth has to die in the same manner as the actress from Rumplestiltskin. For some reason. So, because ghosts apparently don't like being photographed, probably because it reminds them of the characters in Say Cheese and Die Screaming, Carly Beth films Hank, but for whatever reason, she doesn't press the delete button; that would be too obvious. No, she chucks it to Billy, who only presses the delete button in time to stop Carly Beth dying.
So, you may be thinking to yourself, "Well, this is dumb, but it's not really brain-meltingly confusing." Well, hold onto your hats, because here's where things get out of control. A red light flashes, and the gang are teleported to the set of Carnival of Souls. Also, Billy is no longer a monster. Also also, Molly Molloy is here now. Also III: Day of the Dead, there's this carnival dude who's basically Dr Maniac with a big mustache. Dr Mustachiak offers Matt a cup of Monster Blood, but he politely declines.
It starts raining, so, instead of putting on a coat and putting up with it like any reasonable brit would, they run into Slappy's Fun House for shelter, where they find, you guessed it, The Scarlet Starlet. Dr Von Slap then partakes in a series of challenges that probably should've been left out of this novelisation. Yeah, like Alice Cooper, this is probably better as a stage show. However, Alice Cooper is always enjoyable. This never is. After this sequence, Matt mocks Slappy and pours his Monster Blood all over him. Because I guess he'd just been carrying that around this whole time. Despite the fact that Captain Slap doesn't have any sort of digestive system, let alone that he didn't ingest any, he grows to 20 feet tall. Again, I kinda wanna see how they did this. But then, suddenly,
Epilogue - What Just Happened?
They cut back to bookstore for no reason, where Dr Stander's arrived to take the gang home. Then nobody's paying attention to Carly Beth. Turns out that, according to Dr Maniac, while she is a Goosebumps character, Carly Beth's not supposed to be in this story. Molly Molloy was going to be cut, but then the author changed his mind. The big Goosebumps book was her book, but it's not finished yet. Then it turns out that Dr Maniac is actually a puppet being operated by the giant Slappmeister. Then it turns out that the giant Captain Slap is being operated by the giant author. Then the story just stops. I... just... what?
Extra Toppings
This show premiered in the September of 1998. It was over by Christmas. As such, this book isn't easy to track down, as it was only given out for free at the show. Because of this, non-American Goosebumps fans were spared this monstrosity.
Any Questions?
Can anyone decipher what the hell happened in that last paragraph? If you do, please comment or email me or contact me in some other fashion, and then go receive your Nobel prize
Conclusion
Screams in the Night is by far the worst thing I've ever read for this blog. (I mean, I've had to read Carole Anne Duffy poems in English lessons) The plots are nonsensical, the Doomsday Bookshop is boring, and everything from the gang teleporting to the theme park onwards is as incomprehensible as the product of a T-Rex walking on a keyboard, then transcribing the result itself. It's not talked about by most people I know, and frankly, it deserves to be like that.
Next Time: You'd think that malevolent, possessive spirits would want to make you commit homicide and whatnot, but no! They just want to make you dance on the school roof.
GRANDAMA EATING https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/252854007234691074/667847448202444810/xiah1a7khdb41.jpg
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