Goosebumps #8: The Girl Who Cried Monster

Blurb
Lucy's always telling stories and scaring her little brother, Randy, with her "monster" tales - what a laugh!
But now Lucy's seen a real monster - it's the librarian, Mr Mortman. Lucy's actually seen him turn into a monster, and it's not funny, it's horrible! But when Lucy tries telling her parents about it, they don't believe her. Big surprise!
Can Lucy convince them that she's telling the truth this time... before it's too late?

Plot
Get ready for 120 pages of the line "but, shock of all shocks, they don't believe her." If you like, make a drinking game out of it.

We open with our protagonist, Lucy Dark, musing about the fact that she likes telling scary stories to her brother, Randy, whenever she gets the opportunity. She guesses that's why nobody believed her when she saw a real one. I know this is supposed to be foreshadowing and all, but maybe they didn't believe her because monsters aren't real. Anyway, we are pulled into the present with Lucy telling Randy about a monster called the Toe-Biter and oh good lord this is going to be the first few chapters, isn't it. Thankfully, we are saved from more monster shenanigans by Aaron Messer, who is the unlucky sod assigned to the position of Lucy's best mate. Luckily, Aaron is here to be some semblance of a voice of reason, and tells her to shut the hell up about monsters. I like this guy.

After some hijinks involving a bird's nest (it's even more boring in context), Mum gives Lucy a lecture on telling Randy too many monster stories, but thankfully before Lucy can realise she's being a jerk, she has to go to the library for a weird summer reading programme that makes you read specific books every week instead of giving one a choice in the matter, thus potentially promoting a greater enjoyment of reading. We are then introduced to the librarian, Mr Mortman, who, from his description, I am going to imagine as Danny DeVito. The book this week is Huckleberry Finn,which I only brought up because this is the only joke that I can close this on as Mr Mortman begins discussing it.

However, as she's on her way home, Lucy forgot her rollerblades... because she just decided to skate down to the library... and pops back. However, upon arriving, she spies Mr Mortman suddenly turns into a non-specific monster and eat some flies. That's all he does. However, Lucy assumes he's evil (clearly she has learned nothing from Power Rangers Operation Overdrive), and runs home in an attempt to tell her parents. But, shock of all shocks, they don't believe her. And so it begins. 

So, Lucy starts reading Frankenstein in an attempt to taunt me with a much better story. Randy pops in and asks about Mr Mortman. So, she starts telling him, but Dad comes in and shouts at her for telling Randy scary stories, despite the fact that he was the one who asked. Lucy tries to tell her that it's real, but, shock of all shocks, they don't believe her. I'm not going to accept liability for any damage to anyone's livers from playing this drinking game.

A week later, Lucy sets off back to the library, and passes Aaron playing with a one-person Frisbee. That actually sounds pretty cool, especially for socially awkward people such as myself. Lucy has a cunning plan to prove that Mr Mortman is a non-threatening monster - insert the word "monster" into every sentence. You could probably make another drinking game out of that. She even does it when it makes no sense, like when discussing Anne of Green Gables. Or, at least, I hope that's part of the plan, because otherwise she is a complete idiot. It's like if I asked if Mozart wrote any black metal songs. 

Lucy has an even more cunning plan - stay in the library until after hours and see Mr Mortman transform. Then the library locks. Nice job. Mr Mortman starts having his tea, yelling "dinnertime" with every mouthful of flies... because why not... when Lucy tries to make a break for it, only to remember that the door was locked. As she's attempting to open it. Good God. However, it took her like 10 minutes to notice the door locked from the inside and with a latch instead of a key. How observant of her. She escapes the library unscathed. And everything's lovely once again. 

Lucy immediately bumps into Aaron and tells him that Mr Mortman is a monster. All together now - shock of all shocks, they don't believe her. This is treated as an bad thing to do, as if it shows a lack of trust. Instead of because, in common knowledge, monsters aren't real. Why do I have to keep bringing this up? 

We are greeted with a scene in which we get a fake out jumpscare that doesn't suck. Shock of all shocks, you don't believe me. But, nevertheless, it's true. Randy creates a monster mask that he manages to scare Lucy with. You go, Randy. Go take your well deserved vengeance. Good on ya, kid. Suddenly, Mr Mortman teleports to outside the front door. Lucy Dark-ens her trousers, but it turns out that she just forgot her rucksack at the library. OK, seems fine, but how does Mr Mortman know where she lives? Also, Lucy is pretty xenophobic, as she claims monsters cannot be kindly old librarians. 

Lucy somehow convinces Aaron to come with her to the library, whereas in a normal context all she would convince him to do would be to stop being friends with him. Luckily, Aaron has a dentist appointment, so Lucy calls him a traitor and laments on how she was looking forward to spying on Mr Mortman. I don't think Mr Mortman is really the villain of this story. Anyway, Lucy has a backup plan, and brings a camera with her. Because she is a youth leader, she sees no problem with randomly taking photos of people without their consent, and manages to get a snap of Mr Mortman. However, when the photo develops (ah, 1993), he's not in the photo. Because he's also a vampire. When Mum and Dad are shown this compelling evidence, shock of all shocks, they don't believe her. 

Lucy drags Aaron to Mr Mortman's house the next day in order to spy on him. I'm beginning to suspect this is something similar to an Edgar Allen Poe short story, with a villainous protagonist. After a bunch of filler, Mr Mortman grabs Lucy from behind, saying he thought she was a burglar. She makes up some lame excuse and holy balls that all lasted 5 chapters. 

The next day, Lucy goes to the library again, when Mr Mortman locks her in with him. Oh man, this sounds inappropriate. He reveals that he knows why Lucy was at his house, and is therefore going to kill her or something to protect his secret. The moral I was taking away from this has changed from "humans are the real monsters" to "everyone is the real monsters." A boring chase ensues until Lucy escapes by messing with the card catalogue, causing Mr Mortman to stop and fix it due to his librarian instincts. You can't make this up. 

Luckily, Aaron was passing and saw the whole thing, so they both tell Mum and Dad, who decide to have the man who just tried to murder their daughter over for tea. So, Mr Mortman comes over, and asks Mum and Dad what's for tea. It's him. Mum and Dad turn into monsters as well and gobble up Mr Mortman. Not because he tried to murder Lucy (she and Randy are monsters as well) or anything; just to protect their secret. I love justice. 

Any Questions? 

If Randy is a monster and knows it, why the hell is he so scared of them? Is Lucy abusing him to the point where he's deathly scared of himself? Good lord.

Conclusion

This is really another one of those traditionally bad Goosebumps books - goofy plot, boring characters, way too much padding - but with an added difference. Lucy. Multiple protagonists have stood out on this blog as ones I don't like - Matt Daniels, Jackson Stander, Julie Martin - but that was more because they were annoying and took up too much of the limelight. Lucy, on the other hand, is a jerk. She relentlessly torments her little brother to the point where he's practically scared of himself, regularly spies on some guy who just wanted to eat his flies in peace and eventually sends him to his death, and calls people jerks when they morally object to her actions. Overall, it's good enough if you interpret Lucy as a villain protagonist.

Next Time: Hannah from the movie returns in her own solo adventure, though thankfully Champ does not.