Goosebumps Horrorland #5: Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz

Blurb
Robby creates comic strips on his computer. His favourite creation is Dr Maniac, a weird and wicked super-villain. Dr Maniac isn't a real doctor, but he sure is a maniac. And now he's on the loose... in the real world!

Meanwhile, 7 ordinary kids are now trapped in the popular (popular? Maybe with lawyers) theme park called Horrorland. Can Robby survive long enough to find and save them? A hairy situation awaits in Werewolf Village...


Plot
We open with our hero, Robby Schwartz, on a hiking trip, with his parents, his younger brother Sam, and his little sister, Taylor. Taylor doesn't really do much, to the point where it's brought up at one point in the book. Robby's dad spits water at him, but Robby ducks out of the way. Thrilling. Mr Schwartz claims that he taught Robby to do the perfect water spit, and I'm only telling you this so that you remember it when I do Who's Your Mummy? 2 weeks from now. Robby sets off to get some firewood, and gives us the first example of this book's flair for ridiculously creative ideas. He gets an idea for a comic called Dr Maniac vs Chipmunk Boy, in which Dr Maniac turns a boy into a giant chipmunk with a poisoned acorn, and decides to make an army of giant chipmunks. I would totally read that. Scholastic: make it happen! Just then, Dr Maniac steps out from behind a tree. How can I describe Dr Maniac? Well, imagine if Nicholas Cage dressed up in spandex, started using similes that make no sense, and decided to start robbing people. Yeah, that's pretty much him. And he is the best character in all of Goosebumps, no questions asked. Dr Maniac is holding a dead squirrel, and shoves it into Robbie's face, commanding him to eat it. Robby calls him crazy, but Dr Maniac just utters his catchphrase:

"I'm not crazy - I'm a maniac!"

How I never get sick of him saying that is anyone's guess.

Actually, it turns out that this was just a comic Robbie drew. This is only the first time this happens, so I'm going to let it slide. And yes, there are going to be more of these types of fake-outs. Robby and Sam (Don't worry, he's real.)(Or is he?)(*Maniacal laughter*) are discussing the comic in the car, on the way to a camping trip. When they get there, Robby and Sam fan out to get some firewood, just like in the comic. Then Robby hears footsteps and comes to the logical conclusion that it's Dr Maniac, because he's now apparently a short story protagonist. However, it's just Sam, but then Robby spots some leopard skin (out of which Dr Maniac's cape is made) on a tree. He doesn't tell his parents, because his family is always playing pranks on each other and thus they would assume it was a prank. Since this is goosebumps, I wouldn't put it past them.

That night, Robby hears someone calling his name, and gets up to investigate. He ends up following the sound into the woods, thinking it's probably his dad. Like I just said, wouldn't put it past him. But then Dr Maniac (*fan-girl-like screaming*) steps out from behind a tree. And he's holding a dead squirrel. He shoves it in Robby's face, once again commanding him to eat it. Robby refuses because he is neither crazy nor a maniac, so Dr Maniac, unfortunately for the reader, eats the squirrel in incredibly vivid and gruesome detail, and proceeds to say that Robby's coming with him. He apparently failed the bravery test, and thus is going to help Dr Maniac destroy the Purple Rage, his arch-nemesis (we'll get to him later). So he grabs him and starts to drag him away.

Except this also was a comic book. Yep, a comic within a comic.

Turns out Robby is at home, writing this comic while his best friend Brooke and Sam (who is still real)(Or is he?)(This probably isn't funny, I'm just reusing it from 2 paragraphs ago). Sam wants to use the computer to play Battle Chess, so Robby heads downstairs for a coke and to see if any good movies are on TV. However, before he can be thoroughly disappointed by the lack of anything other than ABC's Harry Potter marathon or The Mummy Returns, he hears Brooke screaming. Robby runs upstairs to find that Sam is gone. The cops show up, asking Brooke what happens. She tells them that Dr Maniac flew into the room and kidnapped Sam. Obviously, the cops don't believe her, when suddenly some other policemen show up with who they claim is Sam. However, because the police in this town are as useless as a good grade on an end of year exam, it's not Sam at all, but just some random kid who was walking home.

Robby walks into the lounge, to see that a variety show is on. He's about to turn it off, when he notices that the host, Red Martinson, is talking to the Purple Rage, another villain created by Robby. Now, I've already said that Dr Maniac is the best goosebumps character of all time, but if there's anyone close to rivaling him, it's the Purple Rage. Imagine if the Incredible Hulk turned purple and started shouting a lot, but was still in Bruce Banner's body. And made all these hilarious ways to say that he hated something. I'll give you an example:

"Do you know what really SNAPS my SHORTS? When people tell me how awesome I am. Because I ALREADY KNOW IT!"

Good god, his dialogue is one of the best things ever. Also, apparently, he's so angry that even his breath is dangerous! Anyway, Robby tries to show his parents, but instead of the Purple Rage, we find a different type of villain: a congressman. (come on, we were all thinking it.)

Robby and Brooke set off for the TV station to ask Red Martinson about the Purple Rage. Once arriving there, they somehow forget to come up with a cover story for the secretary, but, conveniently, Red Martinson walks by, so they just ask him. He tells them that the Purple Rage was indeed on his show, but had to leave for some reason. So, Robby and Brooke run for the roof, so the receptionist yells for security. Security chases after them, so, instead of trying to explain what's happening to them (I mean, they have Red to back up their case), they just run. Robby gets far ahead of Brooke, and makes it to the roof. He notices a streak of Purple and assumes it's the Purple Rage, so he leans over the roof to catch a glimpse of him. However, because this is now apparently a slapstick cartoon like Tom and Jerry or H20, Robby falls off of the roof, but luckily, he's caught by the Purple Rage, who hates kids falling off of buildings. Robby tells the Purple Rage that Dr Maniac has kidnapped Sam, but the Purple Rage takes it the wrong way and thinks that Sam has teamed up with Dr Maniac. He also reveals in passing that Dr Maniac has teamed up with another villain, the Scarlet Starlet, who Robby apparently featured in his first comic strip, and is nowhere near as good as Dr Maniac or the Pur. He then turns on Robby, claiming that Dr Maniac sent Robby to spy on him, so he chucks him to the top of the building. As you do. Because this is still a cartoon, Robby faceplants the side of the building, but is pretty much unscathed, somehow. Then he starts falling, but the Purple Rage catches him and suddenly, Dr Maniac starts writing the book for a sentence.

As he flew, he held me in front of him like a loaf of bread.

OK, what does that even mean? Is it a thing? Can someone tell me? Since he realizes that he can't just leave someone in Dr Maniac's clutches, since the Dr is his arch-enemy, the Purple Rage makes it his mission to find Sam. He flies off with Robby, and takes him to what Robby assumes is his secret lair. The thing is, though, Robby never gave him a secret lair. Goddamit, the movies always mess everything up! The Purple Rage shows Robby a huge tank of scorpions, and reveals that he's going to feed him to them. He hacks into every TV channel in the world (somehow) and starts to broadcast the whole thing live. This is his plan to help Sam escape from Dr Maniac. Pretty much, his reasoning is that once Sam sees Robby about to be stung to death, he'll escape from Dr Maniac to come and save Robby. I think you need to iron out a few kinks in that plan, mate.

The Purple Rage chucks Robby into the tank of scorpions, when I only just realize something: how would the scorpions eat Robby? I mean, sure, they could sting him to death, but they couldn't technically eat his whole body. At least, not in the time it takes for the Purple Rage to catch Dr Maniac. Robby starts wondering why he only created villains instead of heroes. Well, if the 4th, heroic green goblin is anything to go by (wow, I'm getting Lancashire Hotpots level obscure here), people would just stop caring about the heroes you create and you would just give up and turn them into villains. Just then, Robby gets an idea, and starts insulting the Purple Rage, mainly just using, generic, boring insults (I would just tell him to come up with better ones and continue with my day) and also calling him a creampuff, because that is a legitimate insult. The Purple Rage gets mad (there's a shocker) and uses his breath of fury (that's what I meant when I said that his breath was dangerous), unintentionally shattering the tank of scorpions and freeing Robby. The Purple Rage tries to grab Robby, but he throws scorpions at him and takes off. This is whole thing is a really great scene, and begs the question why this isn't an adventure movie like Raiders of the Lost Ark. They have a pretty fun chase through the Purple Rage's lair, culminating with Robby landing in the sewer and escaping. Don't worry, the Purple Rage comes back later. Seems that Pickle Rick got here before Robby, because he sees a rat's head floating through the sewer.

Robby gets out of the sewer and heads home, considering that Brooke has escaped the security guards and is probably home safe now. At home, his mother tells him to go and take 2 showers (not gonna cut it, exactly, Mrs Schwartz), but then gets a call from Brooke's mum, who says that Brooke's missing too. After his intense shower period, Robby goes into his room to find a new Dr Maniac comic on his computer; drawn in his style, except he didn't make it. The comic reveals what is presumably Dr Maniac's new brilliantly ridiculous plan: he's going to kidnap every kid in the city and make them go ice-skating, 24-7. Sounds great and all, until they go on strike because their feet hurt like crazy and they keep falling over. He claims that it'll be the largest ice show in history, and is going to make him rich. Some-one rightfully calls him crazy, but he just hollers his catchphrase again. He then pulls Sam and Brooke into view and takes them to the swimming pool, which is frozen, kind of like what the sea should change to the next time Billy Deep goes snorkelling. He tries to show his mum, but when he does, it's gone. Also, a police officer shows up, thinking that Robby had run away when he went to go see Red Martinson (nice to see that Sarah from Please Don't Feed the Bears went on to join the police force), who gets all suspicious of Robby. Honestly, the police officer is pointless in this scene.

Robby sets off for the swimming pool, and sneaks in through the back.Robby spies what he thinks to be Sam and Brooke, skating on the ice. However, Dr Maniac-

 

-suddenly appears on the ice in front of Robby, who laments that Dr Maniac is a bit shorter than he remembers. Perhaps it's his new haircut. Also, as Robby puts it, his belly bulges inside his tight costume. He needs to lay off the McDonalds, then. Now we know who got all the Szechuan sauce the other week. Dr Maniac throws a net over Robby, who quickly notices that the 2 kids aren't Sam and Brooke at all, raising the question as to where the real Sam and Brooke are. Get out of the changing room, you 2, it's been half an hour! Just then ,the Scarlet Starlet slides over, who is also pretty entertaining, demanding where her adoring fans and the spotlights and stuff are. Oh no, Ricegum's put on drag and become a supervillain! When Robby asks where Sam and Brooke are, the Scarlet Starlet just says that Robby'll never see them again. Robby tries to escape, but falls over after literally 4 or 5 steps. The protector of the city, everyone.

Dr Maniac gves Robby skates, threatening to tickle him if he doesn't put them on. Why is this guy not some kid of anti-hero? But then, there's a streak of purple, and the Purple Rage is there to save the day.

While saving kids bites his giraffe (that's how he puts it) he's about to do it anyway, but then, Dr Maniac knows how to deal with him... but then seems to remember a joke from 10 minutes ago and starts laughing out loud for no reason, as does the Scarlet Starlet. However, this gets the Purple Rage mad (well, madder than usual); so mad, in fact, that he explodes. 

Bits of him go flying everywhere, and Dr Maniac tells Robby to start skating. The number of kids starts increasing, although they are finding it a bit difficult to skate around the bits of Purple Rage. Eh, at least he's in here for the rest of the story. Eventually, Robby realises that the kids far outnumber the super-villains, and passes around an escape plan. Well, I say "plan": it's just "run for the door at 8:30, hope most of us get away, and then get help." When 8:30 rolls around, they try and execute the "plan", but Dr Maniac messes around on his computer and starts melting the ice. Well, now you've just ruined your ice show. Good job, doc. Now how are you supposed to get any money from this? Your investors are gonna be angry. Robby climbs out of the pool, and dives onto Dr Maniac. He ends up pulling Dr Maniac's face off, revealing that it's not Dr Maniac at all: it's Sam. This is brilliant. The Scarlet Starlet also lifts up her mask, revealing her to be Brooke. Sam reveals that he's jealous of Robby, since he was just a chubby joke, while Robby was a talented artist. His plan is still the whole ice skating show, though. Which he's just ruined by melting the ice. Maybe he can change it to a synchronized swimming show to please the investors. Just then, the cops bust in and surround the villains. However, as the cops make a grab for them, they disappear, and show up on a video screen that I had neglected to mention until now, declaring that the world will never be safe from them and their ridiculous evil plans. Robby realizes that there's only one option and heads over to the computer nearby. Reluctantly, he presses the delete key, and Dr Maniac and the Scarlet Starlet vanish for good.

Right so, Robby's just erased his younger brother and best friend from existence. Clearly, this is not the sort of thing he can come out of feeling fine. How does the book deal with the emotional fallout of this event, you ask? Well, it doesn't. Turns out the whole thing was just a comic strip drawn by Robby, and, like I teased earlier, Sam is not real. Actually neither is Taylor (Robby's superfluous little sister who i haven't mentioned for ages) or Brooke, and Robbie is an only child. So, let's recap: chapter 1 was a comic within a comic within a comic within a book for preteens.

Robby's actually sat at his computer with his mother, having a discussion that's just a big exposition dump. I really should be mad at this cop-out, but I'm not. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it makes sense how convenient everything was now. Robby's mum goes downstairs to answer the phone, when Robby notices a new drawing. It features Taylor, the Scarlet Starlet and Dr Maniac. Suddenly, dialogue balloons pop over their heads. Taylor is of course complaining how she didn't get to do anything. The Scarlet Starlet isn't happy with the end, and says that she and Dr Maniac have a better ending for him. Given that this is Horrorland, that shouldn't be that hard. And finally, Dr Maniac fixes Robby with a maniacal, diabolical glare, and says that they'll be waiting for Robby in somewhere he's never heard. A place called... Horrorland. Wow, OK, I'm not sure what to make of this. In concept, it should be terrible, but this book just makes it work.

Enter Horrorland
Robby gets a letter inviting him to Horrorland. He recalls Dr Maniac's warning on the computer, but you can't exactly pass up an entire week for free at an awesome theme park. At one point, Robby ends up in Wolfsbane forest, where we left off at the end of The Scream of the Haunted Mask. So, I'm guessing Robby was whatever jumped out at Carly Beth and Sabrina. Mmmm, that's good disappointment. After Robby apologizes for scaring them, the girls (Carly Beth and Sabrina) inform him that all the gates are locked, possibly symbolic of the fact that I have to get through this arc and its terrible endings. Suddenly, they hear wolves coming for them, and werewolves jump out at them. And of course, it takes 9 weeks for a blog called The Werewolf's New House to talk about werewolves for the first time. Go me. Seemingly for no reason, Robby flashes back to one of his first comics, Dr Maniac vs The Mighty Mole Boy, which I would much rather be reading the despite the fact that I know nothing about it, because the Say Cheese and Die franchise probably never comes into play. While he has no reason to remember it, it does give him an idea, as he starts trying to dig under the fence with his bare hands, and makes a hole that his hands can just about slide through. And somehow he fits through. Wow, this is the modern day equivalent of Amanda and Josh pushing over an entire tree in Welcome to Dead House. Sabrina slides through the hole, and Carly Beth gets halfway through before all the wolves pounce at the same time. Carly Beth screams that one has her foot, but Robby points out that her shoe is just caught in the fence. Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Maybe Carly Beth hasn't grown that much after her encounter with the haunted mask.

Carly Beth thanks Robby for saving them from the wolves, and reveals that they've got to find the other kids. Ladies, i think you should leave Matt and Billy well alone; with luck, they'll actually get eaten by werewolves. They tell Robby that they've been warned that they're all in danger by the horror called Byron, who gave Matt his magic card, and that they overheard the Monster Police's vague, evil sounding conversation.Then Robby feels something wrap around his leg, cries out for the girls to look out, and falls to the ground. I'll just leave with this quote to let you figure out the obvious.

"We won't tell anyone you tripped over a stuffed snake," Carly Beth said. "Just everyone we meet."

Robby hands the stuffed snake to a little girl (because it is perfectly safe for people her age to be wandering around Horrorland, from what I've seen). Suddenly, he feels compelled to go into the video arcade, in the one of the biggest shocking reveals in Goosebumps ever: video arcades are still a thing! And it's not just the sort you see at the bowling alley with Time Crysis 3 and ticket machines, either; no, it's got pinball machines, and various arcade classics like Donkey Kong and Pac man. And, to top it all off... there's a Dr Maniac game. No, seriously. Yeah, it's never explained how Dr Maniac became real (maybe he just read all the Deep Trouble books in one sitting and was so overwhelmed by Billy's stupidity, he went mad and somehow got superpowers) but who cares, DR MANIAC! Robby is particularly intrigued by this certain game, and starts playing. It's pretty much a VR shooter. Man, he's gonna be really disappointed when it turns out to be all red and black and gives him a head ache in about 3 minutes. If I could, I'd get the Angry Video Game Nerd to cover this part of the book, because the game, from what I can tell, is completely awful. First of all, you don't get ammo right away; no, you have to earn it. He has to follow Dr Maniac to get ammo points. Yeah, like in Portal when you had to run around like an idiot for 5 minutes to power up the portal gun. And then, when Robby does rack up some ammo points, a giant tentacle monster shows up and eats him. (At least we know what happened to the sea monster from the end of Deep Trouble.)

Looks like Robby is greeted by the sweet release of game over, but then this awful game starts up all over again. He racks up big ammo points again, but then vampire bats come out of nowhere and kill him! Who made this stinker, LJN? And if the game being worse than Power Rangers the movie on gameboy isn't bad enough, Robby feels every hit he takes! So it hurts you both physically and mentally! (I'm enjoying this way too much) And then it starts again! Robby tries to take the helmet off, but he can't. Oh god, there's no escape! He keeps playing. Game over after game over after game over, again and again and again!

Then, in the reflection of the screen, Robby sees 2 girls. Not Carly Beth and Sabrina; no, 2 people he's never met before. Can you guess who they are? He begs for them to unplug it, but one of them holds it up, revealing that there is no plug. Panicking, wanting release from this awful game, Robby asks them to find the on/off switch, but there is none! Robby eventually faints, smashing into the machine and finally saving him. I pity him if he ever has to play desert bus. When he gets up, the girls reveal who they are - it's Britney Crosby and Molly Molloy. Finally; I've missed writing about them so much! They tell him they have to get to "the other park," where they'll be safe, and Molly Molloy holds up a token, to which Robby is confused. Said coin reads "Panic Park," which I'm only bringing up because it's relevant later in the arc. There is a flash and Robby knocks the coin out of Molly Molloy's hand. Then, a wooden figure appears, and the girls let out a cry of terror.

Yep, it's Slappy. Get out, Slappy, you're ruining a perfectly good book! Robby of course thinks that this is just some kind of prank (if only), and then charges at Slappy, who bites him on the ear. Eventually, Slappy lets go of Robby and tells Britney to hold the token in front of Robby. There's flash, and Robby's back in the arcade. Luckily though, Slappy's gone, so at least we're spared from his jerkish, annoying antics. Carly Beth and Sabrina are there, scolding him like they're his parents or something. He tries to tell them about what happened, but, because this is horror, they don't believe him. Carly Beth comes to the conclusion that what just happened was a dream Robby had when he knocked himself out by falling on to the arcade machine. But then, Robby spies a gold token on the floor, and the book abruptly ends. Of course. What was I expecting?

Ridiculous name of the week
The Dr Maniac video game is called Dr Maniac's World of Pain. A terrible name for a terrible game.

Extra toppings
There about 200 plot holes in the main story, so I'm just gonna list about 3 of them:

• Why did Brooke decide to become the Scarlet Starlet?
• How did the cops know where Dr Maniac and the Scarlet Starlet were?
• And, where on earth did Sam and Brooke get the ability to teleport into computers?

Also, Dr Maniac says that he has a degree in Maniacal studies. What university offers that as a course?

Conclusion
 Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz is amazing. Sure, there are some pointless characters, a couple hundred plot holes and a bit of a terrible cop-out at the end, but the pacing is nice, the chase and action scenes are really entertaining, and... well... Dr Maniac and the Purple Rage. Need I say more? I definitely recommend you check this book out. Just maybe imagine your own ending.