Goosebumps Horrorland #12: The Streets of Panic Park

Blurb
Luke and Lizzie think they’ll be safe in Panic Park. But they’re wrong. Because Panic Park is home to The Menace, a two-faced villain with a twisted plan to trap them forever.
They learn they’ve been sharing secrets with a traitor, who’s been tricking them all along! To beat The Menace and his rotten crew, Luke and Lizzie must team up with an old foe. But will they be double-crossed again?

Previously on Goosebumps Horrorland...
The Very Imbecilic Special Guests, along with Luke and Lizzie Morris, finally got out of Horrorland, only to find that the place they went to, Panic Park, was even worse (somehow). They encountered Byron, and once more nobody was suspicious of him. He said that he'd been tricked, and sent them through a maze to escape. Because going back to the House of Mirrors would make far too much sense. However, upon exiting said maze, they discovered that Jillian was apparently a traitor, and accused Jackson too despite the fact that there is no evidence to suggest he did anything. And then, they met the mastermind behind it all - Karloff Mennis (creatively nicknamed 'the Menace'), who revealed that he needs them to stay in Panic Park - forever. Oh, and Matt Daniels showed his true colours at last and nobody really cared once it was over, but who cares? Onwards!

Plot
Well, this is it. The grand finale.

We open where the last book picked up, with the Very Special Guests in Panic Park. So, roll call time already!
What's stopping them from just, say, walking off? It's just someone in an awful Skulduggery Pleasant cosplay standing there slightly menacingly (no pun intended). But, regardless, they're still in danger because they're (mostly) morons. So, Matt (who else?) goes up and starts shouting at the Menace, demanding answers. "Looks like somebody lied to you," says the Menace, and everybody starts accusing Jillian and Jackson. This is in spite of the fact that, like I said, Jackson has done absolutely nothing treacherous, nor has he lied to anyone. Then the Menace drops a bombshell: it was him who gave Jillian and Jackson their powers, and not bootleg Zoltar. Jackson tries to defend him and Jillian (because in all honesty, saying that Jillian and Jackson are working for the Menace because he gave them their powers is like saying that Spider-man actually works for the radioactive spider), but Michael shouts at him and they start fighting. Dammit, Michael, I thought you were cool. The Menace says that they can get rid of the twins now, and shadow people emerge from the walls and push them out of a door. Billy, in the traditional Billy Deep tradition, decides to try running out the door. He passes through the shadow people, only to become one himself. All of his skin and clothes are grey, and his usual stupid face has been replaced by no face whatsoever.

They ask the Menace to change him back. He says he'll make a note of it. I like the Menace, he's a charmingly mad villain. He's always laughing and cracking jokes; he reminds me of Mark Hammil's Joker. Matt tries to raise everyone's spirits by saying that they've all fought monsters at home, and defeated them. This is in spite of the fact that all Matt really did was get wet, grow big, and then shrink. His story was more about the a-hole who lived next door to him than it was the adventure he went on. The Menace sends a shadow to the trophy room to collect his latest trophy, but then decides he's too slow and sucks him up in a vacuum that he never uses again. Another shadow comes in with the Menace's latest trophy-Jillian's head. The Menace, whilst everyone is flipping out, chucks the head at Robby, who catches and realises that it's rubber. Well, at least this scene had a point as opposed to being a cheap scare, since the Menace needs the kids to be as scared as possible.

More shades emerge and give the gang some bracelets. Oh, that's kind of them. Matt is about to take it off, when the Menace reveals that if they try to do so, the bracelets will burn into their skin. These bracelets are fear measurers, which are pretty much what it says on the tin. The Menace calls for the Fear Meter, which gauges how much fear has been collected, to be brought on, since I guess he likes to be dramatic and therefore couldn't be bothered to bring it on earlier. The Fear Meter is brought on, being pushed by... Byron. Yep, this walking contradiction was working for the Menace the whole time.
    
The Menace even points out how they're all clueless for not seeing this coming. Byron reveals that he had personally selected these imbeciles to come, since they were apparently brave enough. (*Every other Goosebumps protagonist feels rather offended, for reasons they don't know*)  to survive. They'd tried this before with other kids, but it apparently wasn't pretty. Because we can't talk about death in this horror series! The Menace starts to explain the whole situation. Back in 1974, there was loads of fear in this park. So much so that it catapulted the whole place into another dimension and froze it in time.
They need the kids to give off enough fear to return Panic Park to the real world. At the end of the day, how is that an evil motivation? Then the Menace takes off his hat to reveal that there's another face on the back of his head. Dear lord, there's an eighth horcrux - the Menace! Flame-grilled Voldemort, who's on the back of the Menace's head, gets the gang scared, raising the fear meter. He really doesn't do much except provide comments. And this alone raises the Fear Meter to 25. These truly are brave children.

The Menace drops our imbecilic heroes down a random trap door he for some reason has. Does he just do his shopping at Bond Villains-R-Us? They all land in a heap on the ground and die. The end. No, not really. They get up and get in some seats that are there. They appear to be in a cinema, and the Menace (over the loudspeaker) tells them to take their seats, so they do so. The seats are apparently alive. Well, I guess PETA activists would ruin this part if they were part of this whole caper. The arms of the chairs wrap around everyone's waist (I'm so glad that Lizzie, our narrator, is doing so much), and the film begins. It depicts a rollercoaster with a bunch of kids on it, and suddenly, Lizzie's chair takes off into the air. I guess they've found the 4D cinema. The rollercoaster goes flying off the tracks, and the chairs are sent flying off in random directions. Unlike Horrorland, Panic Park actually got in trouble for this kind of stuff. In fact, that's when it all started.
 
Another scene plays, showing a bunch of people going up the stairs of a building called the Tower to Nowhere. The air starts getting hot, making it difficult to breathe, and - wait, what? The Menace explains that they got into a lot of trouble for the Tower to Nowhere - loads of people climbed to the top and never came back down. The Menace and Flame-Grilled Voldemort get into a funny argument over the Tower to Nowhere, whilst Lizzie starts thinking about how insane he is and making us all realise how we all like the villains better in this series.

The next film starts,  showing another ride- the Whirlwind. It shows many people getting blown about in a ride that makes no sense. Wind starts blowing around in the cinema, and once more everyone has difficulty breathing. For some reason. The wind stops when Flame-Grilled Voldemort points out that the Menace is going to end up killing them. The Menace reveals that those who rode the Whirlwind ended up with their brains turning to mush. I know what that feels like, I have to summarise the adventures of some certain imbeciles. The whole park was for the Menace to conduct experiments in fear. So, he's already Skulduggery Pleasant, Professor Quirrel, and the Scarecrow. Just make him Fred Dibnah as well, why don't you? When Panic Park was catapulted into this universe (which I'm just going to call 'Greyworld' from now on), the Menace was at first thrilled, since it allowed him to perform more experiments. OK, I'm going to add Louis Pasteur to the list. But now he wants to go home. Hasn't he already told us that part? Then the Menace discovered that he could travel back and forth between mirrors. So then, (since this presumably takes place a year after One Day at Horrorland) then why was the House of Mirrors in Horrorland, where the mirrors forcibly came into contact with people, still there less than a year ago? Oh, forget it, it's modern day Goosebumps; why the hell should they actually care about continuity? Flame-grilled Voldemort was apparently created during an accident involving a 2-way mirror, and is naturally offended at being referred to as an "accident."

Byron (where's he been all this time?) leads the gang up a staircase, and sends them to their rooms. Matt cracks an unfunny (OK, it's slightly funny[*sulks*]) joke, which Byron responds to in a rather funny manner. Can the villains get their own Wicked-esque musical in which they're the good guys? "Why are you doing this?" enquires Carly Beth. Byron says that he'll apparently be really powerful when Panic Park returns to the real world. And no, that's never explained. Byron then asks Matt for his plot card, which he refuses to give up. Matt acts like he can square off against the 7 foot tall furry monster, so Byron just gives up and shakes Matt until he submits.Then Byron utters the best thing that his character ever says.
"...Ever thought of changing your [Matt's] name to Wimp?"
You tell him, Byron. Then he leaves. Michael starts getting angry, once again reminding us how awful these characters have become. He accuses Lizzy and Luke of being traitors, though Carly Beth (thank the maker) calms him down.

They decide to try and leave, finding that the door isn't locked. Julie (who is somehow becoming less hateable. Maybe it's because she has no camera) is slightly weary, but the gang press on regardless. They walk through corridors, where TV monitors display the Fear Metre, which has now risen to 40. They come across a lift, and Boone of all people comes up with the idea of using it. Literally all 16 of them climb in, and are shocked regardless when they start having difficulty breathing. Lizzie discovers that the lift has no buttons on the inside, causing Abby to freak out. And then the lift just drops. It crashes onto the ground, though everyone (sadly including Matt) is OK. Michael, who's still part monster from the last book (don't worry, I forgot that as well), tries pounding on the door, but it's no use. Then they notice a card slot, and Matt produces his magic plot card. Turns out that he'd given Byron his library card instead; Byron never checked it. Why did Matt even bring his library card to an amusement park in the 1st place? The card works, and they leave the lift. I just thought you guys might like to know that we just spent 2 chapters in a lift.

They find themselves outside, and head for the park. They come across a shadow girl, and Carly Beth, feeling sorry for it, goes to hug it. However, many more shadows emerge and start engulfing Carly Beth. When they fly away after about 3 or 4 pages, Carly Beth has become a shadow person. Well, that was incredibly well done.

Robby asks Britney and Molly Molloy how they got back from Panic Park into Horrorland back in book 5. They only remember it being a bit windy (so, it involves Great Britain then) and a white building. Wouldn't you know it, there's a white building nearby. So, in they pop. They find themselves in what looks like a doctor's waiting room. "The Doctor will see you now," says a random receptionist (how'd they get here?), and in bursts a bloke in a superhero costume and leopard skin cape.
Yes, it is of course Dr Maniac. He partakes in his typical fantastic stand-up.
"You're not funny!" cried Robby angrily.
Dammit, Robby. I liked you. The Fear Meter is at 50, so the good doctor is going to assist them in raising it. Ah, that's nice. Why can't the Very Stupid Special Guests be that considerate? Matt, of course, tries to leave, but he and the others are swarmed by shadows and are teleported to a place called the Shake Shack. Well, at the very least, they'll have nice fries whilst engaging in their fantastic stand up and incredible danger. They enter, and Dr M flips a switch. Suddenly, the room starts to vibrate (oh, I say) and tilt. The gang begin bouncing all around the room, and Lizzie is eventually knocked-out. Well, she's probably not going to do any less if she's knocked out. Lizzie awakens, and Abby and Julie can't stop shaking. So much so, in fact, that Abby can barely speak for it. I can do no better joke about her than paraphrasing this line from Harry Potter:
"Mind you, [s]he's usually tremblin'."
Robby starts shouting at Dr Maniac. Dr Maniac is of course unfazed by this and gets a big (presumably comically so) paintbrush out. He brushes over Robby with it, and the latter becomes invisible. Dr Maniac cracks a few more jokes, and noticing that the Fear Meter has risen to 75, proclaims that his work here is done, and runs off. Matt tries to stir up confidence... and then says that some of them might die. Good job, Matt. You are clearly qualified to lead this team.

They leave the Shake Shack, and spy another white building (I didn't think I'd ever see the day where there was both literal and figurative whitewashing in the same place). The sign on top reads, "WHAT A SHAME." Ah, so that's where the potential of One Day at Horrorland went. They enter, seeing photos of various kids, all with the letters "FTD" written under them. They quickly realise that FTD stands for Frightened To Death. Why is this here? I don't know; it's never explained. In fact, it's forgotten once they've walked out, though that's for another paragraph. Apparently, all these kids  died when the Fear Meter hit 100. Shouldn't the Menace have succeeded in bringing Panic Park by now if that's the case? Luke (this is chapter 20, and it's the first time I've had to mention him outside of the roll call) starts saying that they have no chance, despite the fact that they're much braver than those other kids (well, aside from Abby). Carly Beth and Julie, of all people, shout at him and start actually giving everyone actual spirit. I never thought I'd see the day Julie was one of the better characters in this series, but here we are.

They head out of the building, when Sheena notices the House of Mirrors. Looks like victory is upon our heroes- oh wait, no it isn't, there's 13 chapters left. Who are they trying to fool? They enter, and jump into the mirrors... only for them to all bash their heads on the mirrors. And, no, that's never explained either. It makes absolutely no sense. Then the door locks. And then suddenly, everyone's reflection in the mirrors (well, aside from Robby's, I suppose) disappear. And then, in one of the mirrors, the Haunted mask appears. (*cheers*) Then, Captain Ben One-Leg pops up in another mirror. (*cheers more*) And then Dr Crawler shows up in an- wait what? He died, right in front of Boone! Couldn't you use Uncle Jerry instead? And then a mummy shows up-wait, what mummy? There were no evil mummies in this entire series! And then, guess who makes their appearance as Britney and Molly Molloy cry out. It is of course, Slappy. (*groa-
Then his eyes landed on Matt. "Do you know how to tell your face from your bum? No? Neither do I!"
OK, as much as I hate the Slappmeister, I've got to admit - at times, he's an utter riot. He's such a riot that I expect him to pop up in 20th century Ireland at some point. Or maybe it's just the contrast with the Very Annoying Special Guests. Then Slappy turns Britney's head into a dummy head. I'd be confused, but then again he's been killed off and miraculously resurrected so many times that I've just become numb to all his nonsensical activities. And apparently there's a book coming out where he's a ghost. Stop please. Then the Menace arrives. We just went 13 chapters without seeing our main villain. He then gives Michael a monster head on the back of his own head. And, like all the other transformations, it contributes to absolutely nowt. Then the Menace leaves, the door opens and they all leave.

As they run away, they suddenly stop. In front of them stand the villains, and, since it's the last book of the arc, they might as well get their own roll call:
  • Slappy the Overused Dummy, from Revenge of the Living Dummy.
  • Captain Ben One-Leg, from Creep from the Deep.
  • The Haunted Mask, the well-done concept from The Scream of the Haunted Mask.
  • Dr Maniac, the greatest villain ever, from Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz.
  • The Mummy, who wasn't actually in anything. Seriously, who the hell is it?
  • Dr Crawler, who should definitely be dead, from Welcome to Camp Slither.
  • Inspector Cranium, with rather vague but still cool powers, from Help! We Have Strange Powers!
"Well, here we are at the final chapter," says Inspector C. "It's your last chapter!" retorts Matt. Woah, turn it down a notch, mate! Cranium reveals that it's everyone's last chapter. Apparently, they're all doing this because they were promised revenge. Well, how come they got rid of Jillian and Jackson if the Inspector wanted revenge too? However, Inspector Cranium has read the Menace's mind, and discovered that he plans to keep them all in Panic Park as prisoners when it returns to the real world. Matt, of course, doesn't believe them, and he and Michael (whyyyyy?) start shouting at them. Cranium continues regardless, saying that they need to show the Menace that they're not scared. Dr Maniac recommends laughing in his face (either will do, I suppose). The villains can't do it, because it's the Very Jerkish Special Guests who are having their fear measured. If they succeed, Panic Park, along with the Menace, will fade, and become nothing more than a memory. Aw, I'm gonna miss him and Flame-Grilled Voldemort.

They set off, and arrive at Casa de Menace. Matt is about to use his plot card, but he left it in the lift they all squeezed themselves into. You had one job, Matt. One job. Luckily, the Inspector uses his mental powers to unlock the door. The villains split off from the gang, in order to not raise suspicion. They're about to reach the menace's study (oh, how intimidating), when Byron stops them. Where's he been for the past 16 chapters? Michael and Matt proceed to beat up Byron. OK, I get how Michael can do it, since he's still part monster, but how's Matt doing it? They enter the Menace's study, where the Fear Meter is at 95. The gang start chanting "No fear," which of course doesn't do anything. Then Flame-Grilled Voldemort shows his face, raising the Fear Metre to 97. Our saviours, everyone. Then, to finish off the Fear Meter's rising, the Menace makes worms come out of everyone's mouth and ears. The Fear Meter rises to 99, and Matt assumes the villains set them up. Does Matt just have a monthly random accusation quota to fufil? Then Lizzie gets an idea and tells a bad joke to Luke. This is in spite of the fact that worms are coming out of her mouth, so lord knows how they're talking. The bad joke gets Luke laughing, causing the Fear Meter to drop. Luke tells another joke, causing everyone to laugh, making the Fear Meter drop some more, and making the room begin to shrink. However, the Menace points out that if Panic Park disappears, so do the Very Bad-At-Planning Special Guests. They start getting scared again, raising the Fear Meter back up to 80. Suddenly, enter the villains. Dr Maniac (*ecstatic cheering*) beats up Byron (go, Doc!), and him and the other villains storm in. Slappy begins his roast of the Menace, making everyone laugh with his brilliant stand up routine. And, eventually, Flame Grilled Voldemort melts, leaving the Menace with a normal number of faces. He's of course mad that his only friend is dead. I'm going to blame this all on Matt, since, well, have you ever paid attention in these reviews? The Fear Meter drops past 0, but then Lizzie tells the villains that if Panic Park disappears, so do they. Couldn't she have told them this earlier?

Everybody runs out with each other, with Inspector Cranium leading the way. They arrive at the whirlwind, that ride which makes absolutely no sense. Michael points out that it allegedly turns one's brain to mush, but, unfortunately in Matt's case, the Menace just lied about it to deter them from using. Apparently, this is how the villains have been travelling between Horrorland and Panic Park. There is no mention of how the villains got to Horrorland. Did they all take the bus with a bunch of normal people? (Actually, I want to see that now. Somebody draw it for me, preferably by the 21st of February.)  As the world starts vanishing, they spy Jillian and Jackson running towards them.As they're about to enter the whirlwind, they find that it's locked. Jillian and Jackson reveal that they're not traitors, and that when Inspector Cranium put headphones on the 2, the menace took control of them. This is in spite of the fact that Jillian showed no signs of being controlled in the span of book 10, when she was narrator. Well, we're nearly at the end; let's just get this finished up. Jackson and the Inspector unlock the door with their telekinetic powers, and everyone jumps into the Whirlwind. As they fly through the winds, they see Panic Park as a bubble. So, it's one of the marble galaxies from Men in Black then. And then, it pops. Nooooooooo! Menace!

The Very Moronic Special Guests land in Horrorland. Sadly, it's goodbye to Dr Maniac, Inspector Cranium, Captain Ben Redundant-Name, and (I can't believe I'm writing this) Slappy. Everyone is back to normal, and, best of all, Matt Daniels, who I've come to love to despise, is never mentioned again.
The parents, who all just went to a different hotel, are in the Horrorland car park. Lizzie doesn't tell her parents despite the fact that they've been to Horrorland before and would probably believe it. And thus, the Very Foolish Special Guests depart Lawsuit Heaven. (*sniffle*) I'm not crying, you're crying!

Back at home, Lizzie begins to unpack, only to pull something out of her case - a ventriloquist dummy. (*eyes roll 1040°*) And then it starts to speak. He's not funny this time around, though, but he is mildly chilling. It's time for a brand new story, he proclaims; one that will really give you Goosebumps. (*rimshot*)

Any Questions?
So, if Panic Park comes into the real world, wouldn't it occupy the same space as Horrorland? Surely then, that would result in the destruction of both parks and all the people in them.

Conclusion
The Streets of Panic Park is a really good finale to the Horrorland story arc. The villains are all entertaining (well, aside for the Mummy), and the plot is very good. Most of the scenes have a point, aside from one or two silly, pointless moments. The Very Imbecilic Special Guests, however, are really annoying. There are about 3 likeable ones in the group, and a lot of them don't do much. The deformations didn't seem to add much once the transformation was over, and, whilst entertaining, the Menace and Flame-Grilled Voldemort didn't have the scope I hoped for in a grand finale. However, all in all, a very enjoyable read.  
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