Jackson Stander is every parent's dream. He doesn't get into trouble, he always does his homework, and he never ever lies. His teachers all trust him completely. He even volunteers at the local Youth Center. But that was all before Jackson came across an evil ventriloquist dummy. Now he must deal with Slappy wreaking havoc on his family and friends. Jackson will soon see that two Slappys are not better than one!
Plot
Our protagonist, Jackson Stander is probably the polar opposite of any well rounded character. A good main character should be likeable, but with flaws. Jackson, however, is Sheila Birling if she became the pope. Here is the 'secret' he shares with us at the start of the book:
It's a lot easier to be good than to be bad.That only works if you're not talking about writing, I guess. His sister, Rachel, is probably the most relatable character in the book, as she utterly despises Jackson and his goodie-goodie ways. It makes her gag. Because of Jackson, she's neglected by her parents, who refer to her as the 'problem child,' and always being asked to be like her brother instead of herself. Oh wow. I hate someone more than Matt Daniels. This is bad. This is very, very bad. And it was so easy to accomplish.
Jackson spends chapter 2 describing the youth centre he volunteers. Instead of being filled with stoners, chavs, and edgy year 7s, this one is full of primary school children. See, even the YC can't have interesting characters! After the 2 pivotal canaries (no, that's not sarcasm) almost escape, Jackson goes home, where his Mum says that she's shipping him and Rachel off to their granddad's for the Easter hols. Rachel is reluctant, but Jackson's a-OK with it, since he has since lost the ability to tell good and bad apart. He's like a less malicious Cenobyte.
A few days later,
Jackson and Rachel arrive at Granddad's, where the one relatable character turns out to be as shallow as an empty paddling pool.
"No bars. Do you believe it? How do people live without cell phones?"Explain to me why we should root for any of these characters. Granddad is a collector; he has collections of things like nooses, shrunken heads, and.... ventriloquist dummies. So, first it’s “Buys the dummy,” then, “cousin brings the dummy along with him,” then it’s… “eccentric Granddad has lots and lots of ventriloquist dummies; one of which happens to be the Slappmeister”? I feel like there are steps one could take before this one. So, yeah, Granddad takes Rachel and Jackson (*audience boos*) (*audience boos again for me recycling this joke from Monster Blood*) to check out the room full of ventriloquist dummies. After a painful page and a half of Grandad showing off the dummies and Jackson being way more enthusiastic than necessary (goes without saying, really), Granddad comes to our good, Pee-wee Herman cosplaying pal, Captain Slap. Immediately, Granddad’s creepy caretaker, Edgar, whom I neglected to mention until now, warns Jackson (speaking in italics, for some reason) to stay away from Slappy. In response, Granddad calmly tells us Captain Slap’s origin story. Once, a long time ago, a sorcerer created Slappy out of coffin wood, and put a curse on it: he who owns the dummy shall become its slave. Or just get told that, only for the dummy to do nowt to achieve that goal. However, Slappy was eventually destroyed; this is just a replica, known as the Son of Slappy. The Slappmeister? Destroyed? That’ll be the day. Also, how does Granddad know about this? Does he have Wild Man Molloy’s ventriloquism files? Is he Wild Man Molloy? Does that make Jackson’s mum… Molly Molloy? I suppose that’s the one saving grace of this story.
Eventually, it’s time for Rachel McGrumpyface and Jackson Molloy to go home. Back at the new Casa de Molloy, Jackson starts unpacking, only to discover Captain Slap Jr inside his suitcase. Suddenly, Rachel is standing next to him, and tells Molly Molloy and whoever she marries that Jackson stole the dummy. Despite the fact that there is no evidence whatsoever to indicate otherwise, Molly Molloy and Dad don’t believe her, simply because Jackson is Jackson. If I go to Hell when I die, my one wish is for Jackson to be there too, simply so I can beat him up.
Jackson discovers the piece of paper with the magic words to bring the original Captain Slap to life, but doesn’t read them out loud. In any other context, this would be smart, but, since this is a “replica,” it’s just cowardly.
Later that day, Jackson’s friends, Stick and Miles-wait, Jackson has friends? 2 people the same age as Jackson can actually tolerate him? They of course lightly mock him for having the dummy, instead of mocking him heavily for his entire existence. Then Jackson tries (and fails) to scare Stick and Miles, by reading the magic words partially. Then Rachel casually strolls into the room and reads the magic words aloud. Then the Second Slappmeister winks. Can he do nothing else when he first wakes up? Does he have to charge up overnight beforehand?
After 2 back-to-back incredibly pointless scenes, Jackson enters his bedroom, where Slappy Jr immediately starts to strangle. Ah, he takes after his father so much. Except wait, this is the real Slappy. Plot… twist? Why is the whole ‘copy’ part necessary, except for this fakeout? Then Slappy tells Jackson that he’s his son. Has he filled out the necessary adoption papers? Then Slappy begins hypnotising Jackson, and then there’s a loud chirp. Captain Slap starts laughing, and Jackson joins him. This raises the obvious question. All together now, on 3: 1, 2, 3 -
WHY HASN’T HE EVER TRIED THIS BEFORE?!?
The following day, Jackson assumes that the whole thing was a bad dream. It must’ve been; he was feeling a negative emotion (fear, in this case). At school, they’re doing posters for the YC bake sale in art. As you do in art class. Instead of letting his students just put their headphones in, he pulls out a boombox, and puts on some terrible dance music. To add to the unrealism, the teacher tells them to take a 10 minute break. As everybody walks out (what?), Jackson stays behind because he has much life as a 5 billion year old corpse. Suddenly, he hears a chirp, and feels compelled to paint everything in the room black. He feels good committing vandalism (*chokes out of shock*), though he isn’t sure why. When the teacher comes back, he says it was a bunch of dogs. The teacher buys it because, once again, Jackson is Jackson.
Jackson comes up with a plan - instead of grabbing a match and setting the Slappmeister on fire, he’ll dump him in a bin. Because if getting ground into teeny little pieces, having his head cracked open, and being stuck in a collapsing dimension won’t finish him off, surely that will! But, first, he’s off to science class, where he hears another chirp sound. So, he goes to the teacher’s desk, and, because this is actually a primary school, the answers for the next history test are on the desk. I’m not entirely sure you know what a history test is, mate. Jackson feels compelled to pinch them, because Captain Slap at least cares about his kid getting a good report at the end of term. That’s nice. Then the teacher comes in, as Jackson is standing up. I hope the Slappmeister never comes up with another plan for cheating on a test ever again. As the teacher, Miss Hathaway starts emphasizing how bad this is for no other reason than incredibly forced dramatic irony, Jackson smugly thinks to himself about how he’ll ace the test, and starts cackling evilly. In front of the entire class. I hope Slappy never has any more kids, because he’s not doing so well raising this one.
Then we abruptly cut to Captain Slap greeting his son as he comes home from school. I suppose he’s trying now. Instead of chucking the Slappmeister out the window while he monologues, Jackson tries telling him to stop and fails dramatically. Then there’s another chirp, just as Molly Molloy calls Jackson down for tea with his aunt, uncle, and cousin. And, yes, it’s time for that scene. You should know by now that in every book about Captain Slap, there’s a scene in which he insults the family, and everyone thinks it’s the protagonist. Well, this time, there’s a twist: the protagonist (Jackson Standler, of all people, no less) is the one insulting everyone. And you can tell it’s his first time: he sucks at delivering them.
“You like horror movies. Have you looked in a mirror recently?”
I can’t believe that this is the same series that gave us Murder the Clown and Billy Laffs.
Jackson gets sent to his room (I’m honestly surprised Molly Molloy and Dad were willing to accept it was him insulting them), where the Slappmeister makes him… laugh. Also, he has no clear motivation, though he describes delivering terrible insults and cheating on a test as ‘evil,’ for some reason. Rachel comes in, and Jackson immediately starts accusing her of starting the whole thing. Yeah, but was it Rachel who sent you guys to your eccentric Granddad’s, where Slappy had made his abode for several years undercover? In order to prove that the Slappmeister is in fact alive (this ought to go well), Jackson shouts at his new father to talk. Then he hears a chirp and insults Rachel. She storms off, and Slappster scolds his son, telling him never to tell anyone about him. Also, he grabs his arm really hard. Slappy really isn’t good at this parenting thing, is he?
The next day, Molly Molloy is in tears because her son said a couple of dreadful insults. Jackson tries to come up with an excuse for his behaviour, but there’s a chirp, and he starts insulting everyone. We’ve done this already! 2 paragraphs ago, in fact! Then he slams a bowl of cereal onto Rachel’s head. He goes upstairs, gets out a sweater, and pours honey all over it. What does that achieve, exactly? Also, has Slappy gotten tired of doing this himself? He tries to blame Rachel, but Molly Molloy doesn’t believe him.
Jackson is grounded for a week after this incident. The family doctor, Dr Marx (I’d use a communism joke, but the internet has run out of original ones. Ironic.), gives him some pills to calm him down, which he doesn’t take. Stick brings him his homework… on stuff he clearly didn’t cover in class… and Miss Hathaway pops round to tell him what’s been going on. That’s not weird in the slightest.
Eventually, Jackson is no longer grounded, what with there being no incidents for the past week or so, so he’s allowed to pop round to Stick’s house for a bit. On the way, however, he spies a boy stuck in mud on his bike on his way to his tennis lesson. He goes to help him out, but hears a chirp, and he gets an idea. An awful idea. Jackson gets a wonderful, awful idea. He grabs the kid’s tennis racquet, pretending to be checking it out, and lobs it over the road. Then he rubs mud all over the kid’s face, and runs off, laughing like a hyena breathing nitrous oxide in through an oxygen mask. Even when he isn’t acting like Jackson, Jackson is still utterly unlikeable. His neighbour spies him, however, and they get into the world’s least thrilling chase. It ends when a guy watering his garden accidentally shoots the neighbour in the face. With his hose, I mean. I had you going there, didn’t I?
Jackson finally gets to Stick’s house (after robbing an orphanage, presumably), where Stick and Miles are waiting for him. Here, we get something that almost made me want to put the book down and read the appendix of Lord of the Rings: Jackson, Stick, and Miles deciding what to bake for the YC bake sale. They eventually decide to bake cupcakes with Ys and Cs on them. You know, for ‘your complete-apathy.’ We quickly learn that the team cannot cook. At all. They could try to make beans on toast and have no clue what they were doing. They follow a recipe book, and describe making cake batter as “like magic.” Slappy, please make something bad happen. Luckily, Captain Slap responds to my pleas, as Stick and Miles head off to get some cake batter (good luck cooking that lot. At least Alexander from Deep Trouble knew how to cook!). Jackson suddenly hears a chirp, and feels compelled to blow up the oven. No, not really; I’d want to see that. Jackson instead starts throwing cake batter everywhere. I suddenly regret my request to Slappy.
Stick’s mum comes in (good job you prepared for that, right Jackson?), and discovers the mess. Jackson, still under the influence of the Slappmeister, laughs madly. He gets taken home, and shouted at by his parents. Dad also tells him the worst possible news… he’ll have to miss the YC show that wasn’t mentioned until now! (*gasp*)
We cut to the night of the YC show. Jackson plans to sneak out of the house with Slappy to perform anyway. Oh god, Jackson’s 2 personalities are beginning to merge! He’d also figured out where the chirp noises came from: his phone. More specifically, Chirping Chickens. Why did I have to bring that up again? Make it end, please! He stuffs the phone in the drawer, and sets off for the YC, with the violence-fuelled, still-alive dummy. There are only blue skies ahead this time!
At the YC, the kids are performing a play that Jackson wrote with them about a kid who can’t take care of canaries. I think I know what’ll dominate the Tony Awards this year. During the interval, it’s time for Jackson to do his act with Captain Slap. Wait, do the higher-ups know about this? Did they know he was grounded and couldn’t go? Anyway, Jackson shows signs of improvement (too little, too late, mind) in his comedy.
“But I have to work your head,” I said.“Oh yeah? Then who’s working your head?”
Actually, that’s a very good question. Except when Slappster’s the one doing it.
Everything’s going great. That is, until Jackson hears a chirp sound. If you’re getting hypnotised by chirps, Jackson, I don’t think it’s a good idea to perform in a show about live canaries. Suddenly, Slappy takes over the act, and starts spewing turkey sandwich insults. Mrs Lawson, the lady in charge, asks Jackson to stop, but he’s kinda frozen right now. A scared little boy comes up to Slappy. “Don’t worry,” says the new bane of my existence(‘s father). “I don’t bite.”“Jackson, do you know the difference between a turkey sandwich and a bag of smelly garbage?” “No.”“Well, remind me not to send you out to get my lunch!”
Oh no. Oh no. Oh no to the 17th power.
“Wait a minute,” continues the Slappmeister. “Yes I do.” Then he bites down hard on the kid’s ear. Oh dear lord. They’re really doing this.
Mrs Lawson comes up to Jackson, telling him to stop… and he bites down on her wrist. I regret every decision in life that brought me to the point where I had to read about that. OK, Captain Slap attacking someone is really nothing new to this blog, but he's gone to far when he's going around attacking 6 year old children. This isn't like the arm grab scene in book II, either - this causes lasting damage. And, come on - Jackson biting Mrs L is so stupid and simultaneously the most uncomfortable thing I've ever read. It ALSO causes lasting damage.
A few weeks later, Jackson's been grounded since the YC show. If start-of-review-me read that sentence, he'd change something in the past so he wouldn't he think he became a liar after an hour or 2. He locks Captain Slap in a suitcase, and he, Molly Molloy, and Dad resolve to send it back to Granddad over the next hols. One day, he passes Rachel's room, and hears her talking to someone. Peering through the keyhole, he sees that she's talking to the Slappmeister. For no particular reason, she divulges that she planted Slappy in Jackson's case, and brought him to life in order to "display" that Jackson wasn't as good as William Shakespeare (or, at least, the way English teachers see him). I feel like there are steps you could take before that. Also, Rachel is referred to as "daughter" by Slappy. In case you're wondering what they mean - do worry! This is interrupted by Rachel saying "Jackson, you moron. We know you're there!" And then there's a chirp and the story just ends there.
Any Questions?
So, how was Slappy making Jackson do all those things? As in, how did he mentally communicate with him. Jackson makes it sound like he's having these ideas himself! Did Slappy just pull a Lizzie Morris, as everything just worked out without him doing anything?
Conclusion
Son of Slappy is probably the first book I've covered so far that caused genuine anger and discomfort. Usually by the time I start writing these, I've flicked through it, and, when I did, I hated Jackson already. I didn't actually take much in aside from that, mainly because of a 12 year old with a cigarette who asked me for a light that I was still laughing about. Anyway, the entire plot was forced and uncomfortable, and of course... there's the biting scene. I think that managed to push it into the territory of joint worst book I've ever covered (I mean, nothing'll top Monster Blood for Breakfast).
Next Time: Billy Deep is back for his latest adventure upon the high seas.
Oh, and Sheena and Dr D too, I guess. But not Alexander, sadly.
Honestly, I liked Jackson for being a Goosebumps protag who is a straight up good person. Made for an interesting premise where Slappy messes up his life. Could have been done way better but it was solid enough for a Slappy story.
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