Cooper's always been a scaredy-cat. Everything frightens him. But when his family move to a new house deep in the woods, he's more scared than ever. What are those strange noises in the night? And who is the weird girl who gives him a terrible warning?
The worst thing is that no one believes Cooper when he tells them what's happening. [Stop the presses, team!] But then nobody else heard that bone-chilling barking late at night. Or saw those evil looking dogs disappear into thin air...
Plot
We open with Cooper Holmes, our protagonist, waking up in bed for, as he puts it, the zillionth time during the present night. He hears something spoooooky, but because this is chapter 1, it can't be anything important. Turns out that it's not anything scary, like a zombie, or a Corbyn supporter - rather, it's... a bunny rabbit. OK, that's lame even for Goosebumps Fake-Out standards. This is only page 2. I didn't mention it, but he also gets scared by a tree on page 1. Then we get some exposition about how Cooper's scared of everything (Really? I'd never have guessed), and how Cooper's moved into a new house, presumably along with a werewolf or 2. (↑) Then he mistakes a hose for a snake. (*sighs*) Then there's some odd noises coming from under Cooper's bed, and when he goes to check, some hands fly out from the bed and grab him around the neck. He is strangled to death. The end.
Extra Toppings
Cooper has a collection of -
Nah, I'm just kidding. We've got a looong way to go yet. Cooper is not strangled to death, though he discovers that the hands under the bed belonged to his annoying older brother (is there any other kind of sibling in these books?), Mickey. Cooper starts beating up Mickey, so he gets out of the way, and punches Cooper in his cowardly mush. Their parents come in and break up the fight. "This is no way to act on the first night in a new house!" scolds Dad, despite the fact that the statement makes 0 sense. Might as well have said, "That's no way to act when we have fish fingers for tea!" Cooper calls himself claims that he's innocent, as if he didn't start beating up Mickey. Which episode of Sherlock was this scene in? Cooper goes back to bed, when suddenly he hears dogs. I'd mock him if dogs weren't my greatest fear in the known universe (don't judge me, Tumblr). He looks out the window, but there's no dogs whatsoever. Dammit, I thought we had enough missing ghost dogs when there probably should've been ghost dogs last week!
The next morning, Cooper rambles on about the jungle gym in the corner of the garden, though he's surprisingly not wetting himself at the sight of it. He sees that there are no paw prints to be seen, so Cooper resolves to find the dogs. There is no evidence that there were any dogs of any sort, but Cooper is adamant that they were there. Cooper, you're going to do fantastic getting a job in the education system! He figures that, if he finds them, he could keep one. His Mum never let him get a dog because she's allergic (though it's not explicitly stated), but he figures that she'll change her mind when they get them. Cooper, are you aware of how allergies work?
Cooper sets off into the woods, and nothing interesting happens for a bit. Then he realises that he's lost. Nice job. Suddenly, he hears footsteps, and something scrapes his cheek, causing him to cry out in terror. What was it, you ask? It was (drum roll, please)... a leaf. No, really. A leaf.
Suddenly, someone grabs his arm, and he starts to run, but he immediately trips over. He finds himself face to face with what grabbed his arm: a girl his age. She apologises, and Cooper utters 3 words I'd never expect to hear (or rather, read) coming out of his mouth:
"I wasn't scared."He's lying, of course, but still. The girl apologises for scaring Cooper ("Sorry for breathing, mate"), and introduces herself as Margret Ferguson. However, her friends call her Fergie, like the duchess, as she puts. Cooper and I have no idea what she's on about, so if you do, kindly leave a comment informing me of her meaning. Fergie reveals that she was watching Cooper and his family moving in. Erm,
Trust my parents to buy a haunted house in haunted woods!(*sigh*) Grown-ups. Back home, Cooper actually considers the possibility that his parents will move back to his original home, just because some random girl in the woods says that the place is haunted. Suddenly, 2 large Labradors show up, growling and snarling. Eep. They leap to attack Cooper, so he legs it. As he sees his Dad, he calls for help, but the dogs vanish. Of course! The dogs are, in actuality, mummies! Cooper tries to tell his Dad what Fergie told him and, long story short, it goes about as well as you'd expect. As Cooper goes back inside, he spies the dogs peering out from the woods at him. However, they simply vanish on the very next line. Wait, they're not mummies... they're ninjas!
Then there's an entire chapter that adds absolutely nothing, but I've mentioned it now, so I'll give you a summary: Mickey (oh yeah, he's in this story) puts salt on Cooper's french toast, Cooper tries and predictably fails at an attempt to convince his mum that the place is haunted, Dad realises that there's something up with his favourite chair, Cooper tries and fails to convince him the place is haunted, and then Cooper shuts himself in his room for the rest of the day. There, see? Once you're done reading the plot summary, reread it (if you can bring yourself to do so) without this paragraph and see if anything changes.
That night, Cooper goes to bed at 11 (in that case, breakfast will be served at noon), when suddenly he hears barking-and it's coming from inside the house. Cooper grabs a weapon to use against the dogs, despite the fact that that is a terrible idea which will no doubt get him into trouble with the RSPCA. Cooper slowly creeps downstairs, which, I'll admit, is a decent strategy to use when dealing with dogs, and jumps into the lounge and flicks on the light. Then we get this fantastic bit of prose:
The dogs were...Yes, it says that twice. Suddenly, Cooper steps on a bunch of crips that have been strewn on the floor. Ninja litterbug ghost dogs, you say? I smell genius. Smells like my local chippy. As Cooper picks up the torn empty crisp packet, he feels warm breath on his neck. OK, so now they're GIANT (or at least, larger than usual) ninja litterbug ghost dogs. Awesome. The breathing was of course only Mickey, whom Cooper tries to convince of the house's haunted-ness. He (get this) doesn't believe Cooper. Cooper chucks the crisp packet at him, which flies 3 inches forward and falls to the ground. Watch out, Mickey, he might throw a piece of paper at you next! (Though, if it's a page from One of us is Lying, maybe that would be a reason to get out of the way)
The dogs were...
NOT THERE!
The next day, Mum says that there's a visitor to see Cooper, which to me is rather shocking, since that implies that somebody wants to see him. It's Fergie, making Cooper, shall we say, mildly disappointed. I'd say "Matt Daniels, meet your new best friend," but let's be honest, nobody would be friends with either of them. Turns out that Mickey asked her to tell Cooper about the house and the woods being haunted. Why she did it, I couldn't tell you. She says that she feels bad for Cooper after seeing him get scared by it, which honestly is like feeling sorry for someone because their heart is beating. Cooper is puzzled by the whole part where she said "Dogs," but she still doesn't remember it. Fergie also admits that she's scared of dogs. Hey, welcome to the club.
Fergie and Michael set off into the woods to find some "awesome" rock shaped like an arrowhead. It's probably better than it sounds. However, before they can get to Robin Hood's memorial sculpture, Cooper shouts that there are dogs, so Fergie runs away. This is in spite of the fact that running will probably attract the dogs' attention more, but the problem at hand in this version presents itself when Fergie trips over a rock. There were no dogs; Cooper was just paying Fergie back. Fergie actually points out that Cooper's being an a-hole, but Cooper says that now they're even. (The following Hot Fuzz joke has been omitted for spoiler alert reasons) Fergie comes up with the idea of getting back at Mickey, which Cooper quickly agrees to, though their potential strategies are rather... foolish. Cooper says that tying Mickey up, dumping him the woods, and leaving him there wouldn't freak him out, though apparently putting something that looks a bit like poison ivy (not this again) in his bed. I can see a good future for this kid in army intelligence.
As Fergie and Cooper head back home, they encounter Mickey. All his clothes are torn, there is blood on his face, and he screams, "
Mickey departs, and Cooper's throat is dry, so he takes a drink from the nearby stream. That's incredibly unhygenic. Suddenly, he notices a large dog's reflection in the water, but there's no actual dog on the shore. I feel like this is an unintentional allegory for When the Ghost Dog Howls. Cooper runs back inside and looks in a mirror. He sees... himself. Even he doesn't know what he expected. Now would be a good time to mention that we're halfway through this book, and the plot is still unclear to anyone who hasn't read the blurb.
The next morning, it's the first day of school. (*punches 125.7 pillows simultaneously*) Cooper oversleeps, and goes downstairs to make his lunch. Why didn't he do it the night before? However, the dogs are in the kitchen. Dammit, I'd just mopped in there! The dogs leap at Cooper, so he ducks. One of them grabs his sandwich. Bad dog! Get your own lunch! Then the 2 hounds leap through the wall and disappear. Hearing Cooper scream, Mum and Dad rush in, hearing Cooper screaming. Hmmm... (*takes one step to the left*) Nope, I guess - (*Cooper's parents rush in*) Hey, get out of my house! They have a bit of a lecture with Cooper, as if the whole dogs thing was a joke he just told them. They also apparently use the word psychiatrist. Really? Your son claims a pair of dogs were in the house, so your first conclusion is that he's going mad?
Over the course of the week, something incredibly strange and unrelated to dogs happens - someone becomes friends with Cooper! (*spits out drink*) Well, OK, it's Fergie, eliminating any shred of realism in this book about Ninja Litterbug Ghost Dogs who barely show up (I pity the soul who makes one of them their best man). On Friday, Fergie tells Cooper that she's got a new idea to get back at Mickey. Are you going to put vinegar on his chips when he didn't want any? Actually, it's something to do with a rat and rope; Cooper's really not paying attention. His mind's still on the dogs. So's mine, actually: namely, wondering when they're going to show up!
The following Saturday, Fergie's popped round for a sleepover. And, here comes Tumblr. (Better than Amy and Slappy I suppose) Cooper and Fergie wake up in the middle of the night to execute their genius plan: they're going to put a fake rat on Mickey's face and then hide in the wardrobe. Professor Moriarty (one of the good versions, not Andrew Scott) envies your criminal genius. They sneak into Mickey's room, and it seems like everything's going well, minus Fergie stepping on Mickey's skateboard. However, when they're hiding in Mickey's wardrobe, they realise they're not alone. I'll kill the tension for you: it's Mickey. Their plan was so awful that he knew what they would do, so he hid in the wardrobe to scare them and put a bunch of towels in his bed. Did Cooper not notice that Mickey was just a bunch of towels?
As Cooper and Fergie head back downstairs, they hear barking. Jut when it looks like the action's finally about to get going, Mum comes in and tells Fergie and Cooper off. The dogs have vanished. So, Fergie and Cooper go up to bed, but, sadly, as Cooper is a Goosebumps protagonist, he succumbs to his own curiosity, and wakes Fergie back up, telling her that they're going to go looking for the dogs now. Finally, the plot's started to get going! And it only took 68% of the book!
As Cooper and Fergie set off into the garden to look for the ghost dogs, Cooper trips over a lawn sprinkler and believes that he's in actual peril. Suddenly, one of the dogs comes right out of nowhere and jumps on Cooper, pinning him to the ground. I guess you could call Cooper the Underdog, eh? (*awkward silence*) Wow, tough crowd. Cooper pushes the dog off of him, because extreme cowards are known for their great strength. However, the other dog has backed Fergie up against the wall. Cooper grabs a stick and waves it at the dogs in an attempt to get rid of them, so one of them charges at him. What did he think was going to happen? Cooper randomly loses his balance for no reason and crashes into Fergie. The dogs now have both of them trapped against the wall, and start tugging on their clothes. It appears, deduces Fergie, that the dogs want them to follow them. So, since this isn't the least bit odd, Cooper and Fergie follow the dogs who were attacking them mere seconds before.
The dogs take the kids to some random wooden shack in the middle of the woods. This would be a lot creepier if we'd seen it already. The dogs proceed to jump through the cabin wall. Screw Cooper and Fergie, I guess. So, with no other options, Cooper and Fergie set off for home. However, the dogs jump back through the wall and stand up. Boy, this Animal Farm remake isn't very good. They proceed to push Cooper and Fergie into the shack, where they fall into a large hole. Well, that was uncalled for.
When Cooper and Fergie land, the dogs just show up, I guess. They inform the kids that they are in The Changing Room. Wait, is this story set in Primark and Cooper's just slowly going mad because of it to the point where he thinks he's in a forest? If so, this became incredibly terrifying. Turns out the dogs aren't dogs at all: they're people who've been turned into dogs. No, I don't know why they can go through walls either. Hundreds of years ago, the 2 people-dog-ghosts were turned into dogs by a magic spell. Ever since then, they've been trying to lure humans into The Changing Room (*thunder and lightning*) so that they can switch places with them and become human. And then what? Suddenly, the room becomes incredibly hot. Well, going off of Horrorland logic, they're going to suffocate.
Cooper wakes up in the middle of the forest, and finds that the whole world is grey. No, he's not in Panic Park - he's a dog. And he can't actually figure it out until he notices his tail. Fergie trots over, and she's also a dog. And they can communicate telepathically now, because dogs can do that now. Also, we discover Cooper's intense addiction to liver. Cooper comes up with an utterly foolproof plan: they'll drag the dogs in their bodies into The Changing Room (*thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening*), where they'll switch back. I'd count the ways in which that plan could go wrong, but we'd be here all month.
Back at Casa de Cowardice, the dogs in Cooper and Fergie are playing frisbee. Then Cooper gets an idea, and runs into Mickey's room, where he's in his underwear, for some reason. I don't think I want to know why, either. Cooper and Fergie, who's also there, growl at Mickey, so he runs out the door into the garden, crying. Yaay? Fergie and Cooper run outside to see Mickey running through the garden in his underpants before he's snapped out of it by someone pouring water on his head, where Mum and Dad are. They tell the dogs to get out the yard, so Cooper responds with copious amounts of barking that are supposed to be normal sentences. Somehow, he forgot that he can't talk like a human whilst in a dog's body. In response, Dad waves a broom at Cooper. This family isn't very good at dealing with dogs, are they? More barking, due to Cooper's moronity. Mum's first port of call is calling the pound and having Fergie and Cooper euthanized. How humane.
Cooper and Fergie run into the woods to escape the people from the dog pound, who never show up. That's what happens when you put the NHS in charge of animal control. So, Cooper has another idea - he'll write a note explaining what's happened. Because, as we all know, dogs are known for their calligraphy. It goes about as well as you'd expect, and dad chases Cooper and Fergie outside. Suddenly, Cooper starts twitching all over. This is considered a cliffhanger. Ladies, Gentlemen, Living, Dead, and Undecided, I present to you, the 2nd worst Goosebumps cliffhanger resolution of all time (y'know, after the whole leaf thing from much earlier)... (*drum roll*) It's fleas. Cooper has fleas.
Except no it isn't, Cooper and Fergie inadvertently swapped places with some chipmunks and now they're stuck in chipmunk bodies forever. Since the chipmunks-in-Cooper-and-Fergie are functioning completely normally as if nothing's wrong, this seems to imply that Cooper and Fergie have the mental capacity of chipmunks.
Extra Toppings
Cooper has a collection of snowglobes. Not that I don't like snowglobes (far from it), but who collects them?
Whilst writing this review, I stumbled across the knowledge that R.L Stine was a dog person, and as such had trouble coming up with stories about scary dogs. Alright, then, I'll let him off.
Any Questions?
Why were the dogs turned int dogs in the first place? Did someone gain the ability to turn just 2 people into dogs, and decided to use it on the 1st 2 unlucky people they saw?
Conclusion
The Baring Ghost is painfully boring. It's never so to the point of Monster Blood for Breakfast, but the first 20 chapters have about 7 appearances of the titular dogs. Cooper's annoying, Fergie's as bland as a sheet of paper, and, whilst I did like the dogs as villains, they really should've gotten more time in the limelight before they switched places with Cooper and Fergie. There's not much else to talk about, since the events of the story boil down to Cooper rambles, Mickey pranks him, and the dogs stick their head out the patio door every so often. Overall, not worth anyone's time.
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