Goosebumps Horrorland #11: Escape from Horrorland

Blurb
Lizzie and Luke have uncovered secret information about the freaky amusement park. Lizzie wants to help the others, but since the twins don't trust her, they're all in a deadlock. Did someone say DEAD?
A trip through the Hall of Mirrors lets the kids escape Horrorland and enter Panic Park. Safe at last! Or are they? Why are there no exits? What's in the Tunnel of Hate? Have they been tricked again?

Plot
We open where the last book left off with the remaining Very Special Guests surrounding our latest protagonists, Lizzie and Luke Morris. I guess it's roll call time already:
Lizzie reveals that a horror has been sending them emails, telling them about how 14 kids had been invited to Horrorland and are in danger, so they've been doing the logical thing to help them - they've been writing a blog about what they've learnt about the park! Yeah, like how I started this blog to stop Scholastic from taking over the world! Then they exposit about the previous events of the series so far. And, instead of going after the 8 Very Special Guests who are currently trapped in Panic Park, where they don't want them to be going, they've instead gone after the remaining 6, who are still in Horrorland. Hmmm.... save, Michael, Abby, and Molly Molloy, or save Matt and Julie. I think we all know what the obvious option is here! Lizzie says that the gang are unhappy with them (that's one way of putting it), because they don't want them to go to Panic Park. So, the Very Special Guests start grilling Luke and Lizzie. They are accused of being spies for the Keeper (Dr Maniac [eeeeee]), and Carly Beth asks them to prove that they're safe in Horrorland. Well, there was no proof that you morons were in danger until you tried to escape, either! Julie then points out that they should probably go after the others. I'm reluctant to admit that Julie is the one who finally comes up with a good idea. Jillian reads Lizzie's mind and says that she's lying. So, the other Very Special Guests start closing in on our heroes, and Matt grabs Luke by the shoulders, because it's not like, say, Carly Beth could do anything constructive in this group. After an argument, Matt lifts Luke into the air when suddenly they spy a Horror coming around the corner. Matt drops Luke, and the gang are about to scramble when they realise that the Horror is Byron. He tells them that there's no time to lose, and they need to escape (and take Luke and Lizzie with them because, I don't know, King Plot decrees it).

They make their way to a locked building, which Matt (we should re-name him Matty-Sue) unlocks with his magic plot-card. They enter and discover that the building is the Hall of mirrors. Why didn't Byron just tell them about this at the start? I mean, that would've been much easier for his (possibly evil) plan. When Julie asks Byron if the mirrors have always been here (I should think so, they're in Lizzie and Luke's adventure in Horrorland), he's left. Rude. So, the Very Special Guests jump into the mirrors, and just before Luke and Lizzie jump in, Luke is the first person in the past 11 books to ask "How do we get back?" Lizzie just says that she doesn't know, and.. that's it really. Into the mirror they go!

Lizzie, Luke, and the Very Special Guests find themselves back in the Hall of Mirrors. And then it turns out the whole thing was a surprise party. The end. No, not really. They go out of the door and find that they're in a different theme park. Lizzie is puzzled as to why everything's black and white, but none of the Very Special Guests seem to care. "How can we help?" asks Lizzie. "Go away," replies Jackson. To where, exactly? A little girl shows up, crying, saying that she, quote, "vanished." As Lizzie goes to put her hand on the girl's shoulder,  she ends up going right through her. Jillian tries to read her mind, but doesn't really pick up much except, for lack of a better term, static. Some more ghostly people appear, saying that they too have vanished. Eventually, the gang take off and Robby finds a piece of paper. It says that Panic Park is closed. Run! The security guards will be onto you any minute! It explains that following the disappearance of numerous visitors, Panic Park is being shut down. I'm getting odd flashbacks to something from 2014, or at least to something that was popular then. Then they realise that the paper is from 1974. Suddenly, the paper blows out of Robby's hand in an unintentionally comedic fashion.

Lizzie suggests that they go back to Horrorland so that they can get some answers about Panic Park. Wouldn't they find more answers about Panic Park, I don't know, while you're there? However, Jackson is the first person in this entire series to say, "No, let's look for the others."Julie of course moans that she forgot to take some picture. SHUT UP ABOUT PHOTOGRAPHY, FOR PETE'S SAKE! So, then she of course takes a picture of the gang with the camera she just happens to have on her. However, none of them are in the photo. So, Julie tries again, probably so she has an excuse to take more pictures. Just like last time, nobody's in the picture. Matt just acts confused, and of course it's up to Robby to figure everything out. Because they seem to be trapped in 1974, none of them actually exist at this point in time. OK, that's pretty good.

They come across an information booth, which contains a full colour pamphlet about the park. They then proceed to make fun of the clothes in the pictures, like your everyday likeable protagonists. They discover someone sat behind the information desk - it's a ventriloquist dummy. Luckily, it's not Slappy this time, but rather Rocky, a dummy from Night of the Living Dummy III (which we'll get to eventually). Man, the complete messing up of the canon is even affecting the obscure characters that almost nobody cares about. They press the button in front of it, and, in an admittedly creepy scene, worms start coming out of Rocky's ears, nose, and mouth, and he tells them that the park is closed. Then he says it again. And again. And again. I'm pretty sure that everybody's either too scared or too polite to say:
They all run out, taking the pamphlet with them. They sit at a bunch of low benches shaped like coffins, and Jackson says that they're all pretty scared. Dammit, I've already used the "We know that," joke. Robby comes up with the idea that maybe they haven't traveled back in time, but instead, they're in a parallel universe. For some reason, everybody is confused, despite the fact that Robby explained it quite clearly. I miss when these books where just about not-attention hogging/photography-obsessed kids fighting monsters.

Carly Beth decides to try and call home, but her phone just produces a definite screech. Robby tries it, holding the phone as far away from his ear as possible, and of course the same thing happens. Matt says they're making progress, though Robby of course calls him out on it. Luke presumably waves his hands in the air, calling for someone to pay attention to him. Matt points out that they still have the map, and he and Carly Beth come up with the plan to find the Wheel of Fire, where Britney and Molly Molloy were last seen. 8 books ago. It's been like, what, 3 days since they disappeared. Maybe we'll find them at the place that they were last seen!

Despite the fact that this is a dreadful plan, they do it anyway, and, lo and behold, there is no trace of Britney and Molly Molloy. However, there is someone else at the Wheel of Fire: Sheena and my favourite punching bag, Billy Deep. Suddenly, they forget to mention them for a couple of pages because a rockslide happens at a nearby fake mountain for no reason. What kind of spooky theme park has a big fake mountain? They survive the avalanche (unfortunately for some) and then Carly Beth remembers Billy and Sheena. Thank you! Then they notice that the fake mountain (which has the Wheel of Fire on it) has become larger, because physics. "We're on our way!" calls Matt without consulting anyone, and they start climbing the mountain. However, it keeps getting bigger (sounds a bit rude), and Julie says that it might just be a special effect or optical illusion. You've come across a magic evil camera, traveled back in time or through dimensions by means of jumping through a mirror, realised that you're in a dimension where you technically don't exist, and only now you start getting skeptical? Robby, Carly Beth and Matt fall off of the mountain because it's too slippery. So, Robby comes up with the idea of using a vehicle, and Matt mocks him for it. Then Carly Beth asks how Billy and Sheena got up on top of the mountain, and Jackson comes up with the idea of using his telekinetic powers to get Billy and Sheena down. It works, but the 2 are of course incredibly frightened by what happened. They explain that the gang who ended up in Panic Park got separated from each other, so Billy and Sheena climbed the mountain in order to look for the others. Only problem is, they couldn't get back down away. So, are we actually ever going to explain how the mountain works? No? Don't know what I was expected, really.

Matt starts grilling Sheena about how they all got separated. It turns out that the gang got separated when they went on a ride, at Billy's urging. There's the Billy Deep I've come to know and mock! The ride was called the Tunnel of Hate. Or, if you prefer, Jeremy Corbyn's hall of monarchs at his specially constructed Madame Tussauds. So, since almost everyone who went in has vanished, Matt suggests that they head in the Tunnel of Hate. And of course, Billy indirectly assisted in the creation of this idea. For a narrator, Lizzie sure isn't doing much.

But, regardless of how dreadful, heinous, terrible, ludicrous, and just plain stupid Matt's latest plan is, they do it anyway and head into the Tunnel of Hate. It starts getting boring, and when Matt says, "let's keep going," everyone turns on him. This might be the 2nd greatest thing to happen in relation to Matt so far, after Michael beating him up back in book 7. "Shut up," says Jillian to Matt. Jillian Gerard, you may have just turned into one of the greatest protagonists that Goosebumps. Then Julie finally gets that final push into the realm of irredeemability: she completely insults Carly Beth's appearance for no reason, despite the fact that Carly Beth is 5469845 times the protagonist she'll ever be. And then they start fighting. Sadly, unlike Matt vs Michael, there's no clear winner, though I'm hoping it's Carly Beth. The 2 then tumble into the water (The Tunnel of Hate is just a dreadful boat ride), and don't come back up.I hope Julie drowns. Oh dear lord, the Tunnel's gotten  to me. Save yourselves! Lizzie and Luke, overpowering the effects of the Tunnel somewhat because they're the narrators (the ones who aren't doing anything until now, might I add), dive into the water after the girls. What theme park makes boat rides this deep? Julie and Carly Beth are still fighting until Lizzie grabs Carly Beth and brings her back up top. Luke does the same for Julie. Screw you, Luke. Lizzie, who is barely affected by the Tunnel because plot armour, tries to inform the others what's going on, but after she rightfully tells Matt to shut up, the others start siding with him.
He's finally controlling them! I knew this would happen. "The Tunnel's affecting us," cries Lizzie. "We know that you fool!" retorts Robby. Is the purpose of this scene to stop me from liking any of these characters? Suddenly, before anyone can try and kill Matt and Julie (they've started showing their true colours, we might as well), they notice another canoe - it's Britney and Molly Molloy! And, in the other canoes, Boone, Sabrina, Abby, and Michael. Did nobody think, "Maybe we shouldn't go in here?" Billy and Matt start calling for their attention, but to no avail. And, of course, Matt calls them idiots. There is no reason why I shouldn't travel into this universe and kill Matt and Julie, except for the fact that I have no means of traveling between dimensions. Anyone got Rick Sanchez's phone number?  Then, Britney, Molly Molloy, Sabrina, Abby, Michael, and Boone start growling. They've been in the Tunnel of Hate too long, and it's affected them to such a degree that they've all gone feral. Did none of them look for the exit?
"What are we going to do with these losers?" Matt asked.
Kill him first, guys! Carly Beth tries to reason with Sabrina, but the latter just pukes all over her. That's not how being feral works! Then, in another glorious moment (that's a rarity in this scene), Michael chucks a canoe paddle at Matt. (*cheering*) Britney starts to bite into Molly Molloy. Again, not how being feral works. And, I hope Boone and Abby have some good books to occupy themselves with, because Sabrina starts to throttle Lizzie, when Jackson freezes her and they all make it out of the Tunnel. And thus Boone and Abby had no purpose in that scene whatsoever. So, that last scene should create a rift of distrust among the group, right?

Of course not! That would require complex characters. In fact, Britney, Sabrina, Michael, Abby, Boone, and Molly Molloy don't actually remember what happened in the Tunnel of Hate. Luckily, Carly Beth displays some actual humanity and character and hugs Sabrina in relief. Then, she and Julie thank Lizzie, and I guess that this means they her and Luke. Jillian glares at her suspiciously. In fairness, reading someone's thought is a better judge of their character than a singular action. Why doesn't she read Matt's mind and see how evil he is? Billy starts to ask Britney and Molly Molloy about their experiences in Panic Park, causing pretty much everyone else to start grilling them. Is nobody going to ask Michael? In fact, how did they even meet up with him? So, Britney and Molly Molloy take us through what we already know: they went through the cafe into Panic Park, ended up on the Wheel of Fire, came back for a bit and met Robby, then went back to Panic Park, and then they can't remember the rest. Wow, so much effort was put into that! Matt pulls out the guide, when they notice a Horrorland Horror. Is this where they go on vacation? Actually, the horror is Byron. How did he get here? Carly Beth, being a decent character unlike almost everyone else, cries that he tricked them. Byron says that he was tricked into sending them there, and now wants to help them escape.Wow, he's actually being plausible for the first time in, what 5 books? Michael is suspicious, so Matt (urgh) asks Jillian to read his mind. She confirms that Byron's telling the truth, despite the fact that in the last book there was a part I forgot to mention in which Jillian discovered that she can't read the minds of Horrors. In short, whoever's reading this blog should be incredibly suspicious right now.

Then there's a page of Lizzie and Luke being skeptical, though right now the only thing to go on right now is that Jillian claimed that she and Luke were lying. I mean, Lizzie doesn't know that Jillian can't read the minds of horrors. In fact, from what I can tell, it's impossible, since even Inspector Cranium can't do it according to the Fear File at the end. Anyway, Byron takes the Very Stupid Trusting Special Guests to the Midnight Maze. "I want to help you find your way out!" (*2 minutes later*) "Let's go through a maze, which by design is supposed to be hard to navigate!" Nothing suspicious here! Then he just says that he'll stand at the entrance to guard them, despite the fact that nobody else is in the park! He might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says "Don't trust me!"

So, the gang enter the maze. They quickly come across some mud that starts sucking them in. After 2 whole pages of nothing but panicking, their feet hit hard ground. They aren't going to die.
They climb out, and Julie moans about how her jeans are ruined (*sigh*). They head round a corner, and they come across some monster eggs from My Friends Call Me Monster. How did they even get there in the first place? Where did they get those? Then, the eggs hatch to reveal the monsters inside them. The cannibals are back! Unluckily for our heroes, Matt, and Julie, the monsters don't start eating each other, but rather start attacking the gang and emerging from their eggs in gruesome detail. With no other option, Michael eats some of the eggs and turns into a monster, before beating up the monsters. Then he leaps at Lizzie. Except he doesn't, he leaps past Lizzie and starts eating the eggs. Then he turns back into human, but not fully. Then they go to Mr Wong's house and-wait, no, wrong book. Sorry, this scene is so similar to one from My Friends Call Me Monster. If you're one of the 10 people whose read my review of that book, you'll get it.

They set off again, walking for a while, when a bunch of evil masks show up. Everyone's naturally worried (except Julie, of course), so Carly Beth walks slowly and John McClane-ly towards them, saying that they have come for her. Then the Haunted Mask appears and Carly Beth not-so-John McClane-ly goes into a trance and puts it on. Then she Nicholas Cage-ly lets out a scream and starts ripping up all the evil masks. When she's done, she leaps at Sabrina and grabs her neck. Michael and, of all people, Matt, try to hold her back, but to no avail. Then Sabrina, still weak from being throttled, finally does something important after 15 years - she realises how to remove the mask, crawls over to Carly Beth and kisses her on the cheek. And for some reason, it's an exclamation and the chapter cliffhanger. Then Sabrina rips the mask off of Carly Beth and chucks it over the hedge. Michael then realises that all of the monsters from their previous adventures are here and attacking them. This in spite of the fact that A) it's pretty bloody obvious, so he should've realised this ages ago, and B) Robby pointed this out 2 books ago. So, I guess Matt and Julie are safe, since Matt didn't really defeat anything per say (unless Bradley comes back from the dead demanding an Alestorm t-shirt), and Julie's "opponent" was a camera!

Once more, the gang continue to make their way through the maze. Then they come across some reeds and a lake with some boats in it. Then they hear ghostly chanting and Billy and Sheena realise that Captain Ben One-Leg (and his first mate, Jim Hook-For-A-Hand) is here too. It is made more obvious by the gigantic pirate ship in the middle of the lake. Billy, in a remarkable display of competence, says that they probably shouldn't g across the lake with the zombie pirates in it, but they eventually decide to row around the pirate ship. So, they all get in the boats and start to row across the lake, but the boats are telekinetically dragged to the pirate ship. I hope this is just an elaborate set up for an Alestorm concert. Sadly, it's not, as the gang are taken aboard to meet Captain Ben Redundant-Leg. "Can we go to the other side?" enquires Billy timidly but nonetheless politely. The pirates laugh, for some reason. Then they say it's time for the gang to walk the plank, before the pirates drink a bottle of rum, hoist the mainsail, swab the decks, go up to the crow's nest, and other such cliche piratical activities. And thus, Billy and Sheena are the first to walk the plank. And they actually do it; landing in the water and everything. After that, Abby, Robby, and Carly Beth plunge into the water. Then, as Luke makes an attempt to have an emotional moment, the pirates chuck him overboard, before doing the same to Lizzie. Lizzie is apparently the last one in. Where's everyone else? I want to see Matt and Julie walk the plank! 

Lizzie starts swimming around in the, what, 2nd or 3rd, possibly 4th, unique thing she's done in the past 26 chapters of this 29 page chapter novel. She calls for Luke and swims around, looking for the others. Suddenly, she gets sucked down into the lake. "So this is what happened to the others!" she thinks instead of, say, "Oh god, I'm going to die!" She gets sucked through a big tunnel and winds up on the shore of the river with the others. They realise that the tunnel was part of the maze. I'm starting to see why this place got closed down. And they're still in the maze. Who makes mazes this big? This must be the most ludicrous theme park in the multiverse since Cuddle Bear Land!

They set off again, despite the fact that they're all soaked. Luckily, Julie seems to be humanizing finally, and developing a friendship with Abby. This is going to be very awkward considering that they both have the same last name. Finally, the Very Imbecilic Special Guests make it to the end of the maze, where they see a banner on a wall that says, "WELCOME TO HORRORLAND!" I never thought I'd be glad to see that lawsuit-fest, but after the murder-filled journey I just went on, it looks like a prisoner at Shawshank - completely innocent. (*Badum-tiss*) 6 horrors show up. Except, wait, they're still at Panic Park. The banner was just a prank, bro. Matt asks (well, presumably commands, but that's not how it's written) Jillian to read the Horrors' minds, but she says that she can't do that. Lizzie realises that Jillian's been lying this whole time, since she claimed that she could read Byron's mind earlier. Well it's about bloody time! Matt claims that Jackson's lying as well, but there is absolutely nothing that suggests that. Lizzie starts shouting at Jillian when a man who looks like he does all his clothes shopping in the bargain bin at Hot Topic (maybe they have those in this universe): black suit, black shirt, and a large black hat that covers his face which he takes off less than 5 chapters into the next book. The gang stops fighting and the man reveals that the escapade was a test. The object of the "test" was to make them scared. Can't you just give them a test that they forgot about? The bloke in black introduces himself as Karloff Mennis, though he also has the incredibly creative nickname of "The Menace." Wow, never saw that one coming. He needs them to do a little favour. However, the favour is not just to pop down to the shops for some milk; he requires them to stay in Panic Park... forever! Or, possibly, at least until they die.

Extra Toppings
For a book called "Escape From Horrorland," not much really happens at Horrorland. In fact, the entire 3rd act is the characters trying to get back to Horrorland.

Conclusion
Escape from Horrorland is... passable. Some of the action and concepts are good enough, Carly Beth's a decent character, and there are 1 or 2 spooky scenes. However, there are a lot of illogical moments, and the Tunnel of Hate scene makes almost every character completely unlikable (except Matt, but he was unlikable anyway). Overall, I guess it's worth your time, but only in the sense that it moves the plot along and you all probably want to see it conclude so that I can finally shut up about Matt.  
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