A picture is worth a thousand screams - if it's taken with an evil camera that has a nasty vision of the future. Julie's future doesn't look pretty. And neither does anyone else's after they're caught in her lens!
Things start looking up when Julie gets to Horrorland. That is, until she starts falling down... into the Tunnel of Screams. A slimy worm attack really bugs Julie and makes her suspect the park isn't all fun.
Plot
We open our story with our protagonist, Julie, talking to her friend, Reena Jacobs, about that subject every school kid around the globe talks about... the yearbook. Gee, it's just so relatable, especially to me, who lives in a country where we don't have yearbooks. Just to further demonstrate how much of a flying start we're of to, Julie starts bragging about how she's going to beat her rival, David Blank, to getting an idea for an amazing yearbook shot. Reena thinks he's cute, but Julie claims that his orange hair (because in the Goosebumps world, ginger is not a word in the dictionary) and freckles make him look like a carrot. As a proud ginger, I feel extremely insulted. We also meet Julie's arch-nemeses, Becka and Greta, alias the Sneer Sisters. Remember how, in my review of Suckers, I described Alex and Jimmy as the tropical Beymer twins? Well, the Sneer Sisters (who aren't even actual sisters) are like the Beymer twins zero. The own-brand, Aldi version. That expired 8 months ago and is now just sitting there in your fridge, silently begging for death.
After the Sneer sisters pull an admittedly funny joke on Julie, which I can't be bothered to talk about (I mean, we're only now just reaching the end of chapter 1), Julie gets to the yearbook office, only to be blinded by, as she puts it, a white explosion. Actually, it's just David's camera flashing, as he just takes a snapshot of her. Good grief, this story. David apparently thinks he's hot stuff, because his dad owns the camera shop, and, in this book, photography is the most important thing in the universe. Mr Webb, the teacher in charge of the yearbook, exposits about how David and Julie got some shots of the wrestling team, despite the fact Julie was the one assigned to it, and David wasn't supposed to be there. If this ends up breaking my I-don't-care-o-meter, I'm sending Scholastic the bill. Anyway, Julie explains to Mr Webb her plan: she's going to get on the high diving board at the new swimming pool, and photograph the entire student body, who will be standing in the pool. There's no water in the pool yet, as I'm sure you've guessed, so this seems perfectly safe! I'm positive that nothing will go wrong. David, of course, tries to worm his into it, saying that they should both do it. David, please dye your hair, I'm not comfortable with you being ginger. Mr Webb says that they'll have a contest to decide: whoever gets the most yearbook-worthy shots in a week will get to do it. I swear, Scholastic, you're really close to breaking the I-don't-care-o-meter. We're only on chapter 2, so watch your step if you want money in your wallets next week.
On Saturday, Julie and Reena are riding their bikes. The Sneer Sisters drive by, spit gum at Julie, miss completely, and leave. Do you know why they hate Julie so much? Well, in the Autumn, it was Julie's birthday, and she didn't invite them to her party. Wow. I'm starting to the Beymer twin's motivation (or lack thereof) is better. Julie and Reena eventually wind up in a neighbourhood that they've never seen before. For some reason, Reena is obsessed with yard sales, and she spies one and hurries over to it, Julie in pursuit. Now, I'm fine with yard sales, personally, but only because there's a chance they'll be selling books (ie: goosebumps, comic annuals from the 1980s), but I'm gonna say that most people aren't that big a fan of them. Anyway, at the yard sale, Julie spies an old looking camera. When she inquires as to the price, the lady running the sale flips out and tells her she can't have it. Soon afterwards, the lady's daughter gives her the camera for free, telling her to make sure that the lady doesn't see it. Nothing suspicious here!
At Julie's house later that day, she pretends to take a picture of Reena, since the camera doesn't have any film in it. However, a piece of cardboard-paper-whatever starts sliding out of it. Sammy, Julie's annoying, superfluous younger brother starts dancing round the room like a maniac, yelling that Julie broke the camera at the top of his lungs. However, Julie's mum calms everything down by explaining that it's a self-developing camera, and sorry if I'm about to get off topic, but why don't they make those anymore? They sound amazing! Anyway, the photo develops and it seems fine, though Reena in the photo has a bit of red-eye. Julie scans the photo into her computer to try and sort the red-eye out using a photo-editing software, but for some reason, she can't. Well, I'm pretty sure that's not how scanned in photos work, but points for trying. Just then, in an actually good scene (don't get used to it, there aren't many) Reena screams in pain and clasps her eyes. They're burning in pain, and glowing red like fire! They try putting cold water on them. Nothing happens. They nip downstairs and tell Julie's mum, who asks if it's allergies, but Reena says that she doesn't have any. They get some eye drops, but that doesn't work either. In the end, they decide to call Reena's mum to come and get Reena, and take her to an eye doctor. Wow, that was pretty good. It was intense (well, as intense as sorting out someone's red eyes can be) and mysterious.
After tea, Julie realises she has to go to the school basketball to shoot some snaps, so she grabs a camera, thinking it's her regular digital one, and sets off. Shock of all shocks, the Sneer Sisters are there, and they uncreatively trip her up and mock her. Julie runs into that old struggle of thinking up a perfect comeback after the argument's over, and takes her seat. More shocks appear as David is also there, trying to get photos. Wow, these characters are so unpredictable. However, to Julie's dismay, she's picked up the weird, self-developing camera instead. Why is that bad? It's really easy to give the pictures in now! Anyway, before I can continue going off topic about self-developing cameras, Julie decides to just take 1 or 2 pictures, despite the fact that that'll probably jeopardise the bet with David. The school team is 36 - 45 down, so the star player, Karla, has to step up her game. (*Starts wrapping up I-don't-care-o-meter with duct-tape*) Karla gets a shot, so, for incredibly boring yearbook reasons, Julie takes a picture and messes it up so badly that only Karla's arm is in the shot. Suddenly, there's a scream, and Karla's arm is hanging from the basketball hoop, in terrible pain. The gym teachers lower her down, and the bone's sticking out of her arm, and it's disgusting. I'm out of here, next scene.
Later, paramedics show up and take Karla to hospital, while Julie realises that the camera must be making all of this happen. Very good, Julie; and we're only on chapter 6 as well. Suddenly, David shows up, swipes the camera, and takes Julie's picture. However, the picture gets stuck, and, in another good scene that's actually pretty creative, Julie feels pain all throughout her middle . Her muscles tense up, so much so that she can hardly talk or breathe. She's about to pass out, when she grabs the photo and yanks it out of the camera. The pain disappears, and Julie realises that she needs to take the camera back. If you were actually relatable, Julie, I'd like you, since you are making some pretty smart decisions.
Back at home, Sammy bugs Julie to take his picture (as you do?), but she declines. She calls Reena, who is pretty mad at her. Julie tries to explain that's it not her fault, but because Reena's an idiot, she still blames Julie because the woman at the yard sale had warned her not to take it. Well, if we're going by chain reaction blaming, then this is technically your fault, Reena, since you were the one who decided to go to the yard sale in the first place. Reena says that her life is ruined, hangs up and she never appears in the story again. What a worthwhile character. It's almost as if she was just there to be the first victim or something. Like I've said on this blog multiple times, this is supposed to be Goosebumps, not a slasher movie.
The next day, Julie decides to get rid of the camera, and sets off for the neighbourhood where she got it in order to return it. Yeah, that's foolproof: I mean, it's not as if they'd refuse to take the camera back. Nevertheless, she arrives at the house she brought it from, only to notice someone watching her. We don't know who it is yet, but just know that the answer will be really disappointing. Julie calls out, because that will in no way make her look stupid, but there's no reply. Her luck seems to be getting worse, as the people who gave the camera have moved out. So, what's plan B? Well, if you were logical and had a gram of common sense, like me, you'd chuck it in a bin or something. But nope, she sneaks into the house. That's called trespassing, and it's illegal. She places it on top of a random stuffed monkey, which is there, for some reason, and goes home, feeling fine. And of course, we have more bloody photography. Stop with this stuff. You're ruining taking pictures as a whole for me, and possibly anyone else reading this.
Back home, Julie finds the camera on top of her dresser. And, for some reason, it's on top of the stuffed monkey. Did the camera just think it was comfy? Julie realises that her parents won't believe her, giving this stellar reasoning:
They're both accountants for an insurance company. Know what that means? It means that they're the kind of people who don't believe in evil cameras.Yeah, makes sense. If they were, say, builders, evil cameras would be a perfectly sound and logical concept. So, Julie comes up with a new plan, and that night, she sneaks out and chucks the camera in a pond. Wow, that's actually pretty foolproof. I must say, I'm impressed. Actually, it's not even a pond, it's just a hole full of muddy water in an alleyway. Well, at least no-one in their right mind would ever look there, so I'm still impressed. She goes home and gets faked out by Sammy. (*cracking noise*) Hmm, I need to put more duct tape on the I-don't-care-o-metre.
Julie goes to sleep and has, for the most part, a pretty creepy dream sequence, where she's on top of the high diving board, taking the bloody school yearbook photo.Well, were you expecting her to dream about, say, making a cake? Anyway, the camera is dripping blood, and seems to be breathing, but she takes the picture. I'd say why, but it's a dream, so she can get away with it (this time, mind you). The picture develops, and, in a nice little homage to the American releases of the 1st 2 books in this series, everyone in it is a skeleton. Wow, this is actually pretty good. We need something stupid to make up for it.
"What have I done?" I screamed. "Have I killed everyone in my entire school?"Ah, ridiculous dialogue; just what I needed. Thanks, Julie. She wakes up the next morning, goes downstairs for breakfast, only to find the evil camera in her spot on the breakfast table. Oh, that's just rude; sit in your own place, evil camera! Julie comes up with the idea of smashing it with a hammer, but somehow thinks that it'll still find a way to return to her. It's a camera, Julie, not a bloody slasher villain. At lunch, the Sneer Sisters trip her over, because they need to do something other than inevitably falling victim to the camera.
That same day, Julie heads off to David's dad's camera shop. Nah, I'm not calling him "David's dad." I'm actually calling him... Dr Destro! Yeah, he's back, as I teased in my Strained Peas review. I don't know why, I just like mocking him, since his power is that he has a birthmark, and, er... that's it. Anyway, she shows Dr Destro the camera, and he says that he's never seen a camera like this before. Luckily, he has camera files. Camera files. This is Wild Man Molloy's ventriloquism files in Revenge of the Living Dummy all over again. It turns out that the camera was made for a movie in the 50s called "Say Cheese - and Die Screaming!" (Cinemasins counter: ding) Just from the name alone, The Giant Claw would probably be better, and here's a shot from the Giant Claw:
And thus, we come to the inevitable scene where the Sneer Sisters get their picture taken. I'd say that sounds really boring taken out of context, but even in context the scene is lame and boring. Julie goes to take some pictures of the school play rehearsals, because that's what this story needs, right? More bloody photography! Suddenly, David shows up, and he's got the evil camera. He explains that Dr Destro lent it to him, since Julie wasn't using it anymore. What was she thinking? "Hm, I'll just give this camera to the father of my amazing-haired rival! I'm sure my rival will never get his hands on it and use it to mess with me!" Turns out that David was the one following her earlier. That's called stalking, David, and it's illegal. He had returned the camera to her both times. Why did he take the stuffed monkey? Also, the pond Julie threw it in was only half a metre deep (he'd been following her to the alley as well). *Slow clapping.* And why had David been doing all of this, you ask? To mess with Julie. Yeah, that's it. His whole goal was to freak her out so that he'd win the bloody photo contest. (*punches pillow*) Just then, the Sneer Sisters, who are in the play, ask David to take their picture, and he obliges. The photo comes out, showing the Sneer Sisters with green, cracked skin. They immediately blame Julie, because it's her camera, and they're the Sneer Sisters. Julie grabs the camera, thinks, "I'm outta here in case they blame me for their skin going green," and makes for the exit. Suddenly, the Sneer Sisters scream, and, surprise surprise, they have alligator skin. The problem with the camera working the way it does in this book is that everything's really predictable. The Sneer Sisters blame Julie, because of course they do, and say that they'll sue her family and have arrested for being a witch or something. Julie calls her mum, and tells her what's happened, but, shock of all shocks, she doesn't believe her. Julie then monologues about what may happen to her.
Everyone would soon believe I was a witch.
No they wouldn't. Because they all think witches aren't real. You and Billy Deep will definitely get along well later down the line.
Back home, Sammy's being chased by a bee. Julie gets rid of it, but spies Sammy trying to grab the evil camera. A struggle ensues, and Sammy's picture is taken. Well, now maybe he'll finally stop bugging you, Julie. However, the photo sucks, because somehow the bee got in front of Sammy's face. I'd say it's an improvement (if I actually cared enough to imagine what the characters look like). Sammy proceeds to take a picture of Julie, which shows her falling. She tears up the photo, which, for some reason, doesn't do anything, despite the fact that it fixed everything in the original. Julie turns to Sammy, who's face is now covered in bee hair. We interrupt this book to bring you Return of the Fly (I don't want to compare it to an actually good movie, you see.).
The next morning, Mr Webb calls Julie to tell her that she won the contest. Yaay. That night, at 3 in the morning, Julie comes up with a plan, but because plot contrivance, we have no idea what it is. So, later that day, Julie goes to the swimming pool. All the kids are chatting and having fun, which makes me feel quite good for a sentence. Also, there is some good descriptive bits when Julie describes the swimming pool building. Julie heads over to the ladder, where David is waiting to go up. Yep, her plan was to let her amazingly-haired rival take the picture instead. Apparently, by doing this, the camera's spell will be broken. I've given this some thought, and who's to say that the camera showed her falling off of the diving board? She could fall down the stairs or something for all anyone knows. Mr Webb hurries over, and asks her what's going on. She just tells him it's a long story, despite the fact that Mr Webb isn't an accountant, so he'll probably buy the story. However, after David takes the picture, and bathes in glory for a bit, he starts stumbling and almost falls. Julie climbs the ladder, despite the camera showed her falling, not David, so this kind of endangers the whole plan, if you think about it. Julie yanks David up in a pretty innuendo-filled page which I'm not going to describe; this is a family blog, after all. However, Julie loses her balance and starts falling. Good job, Julie. By going to save your rival, you doomed Reena to a life of burnt eyes, etc. However, David saves the day and pulls her up, and everything's lovely once again. OR IS IT?
Well, Julie goes home to check the photos and, yes, everything is lovely once more. Renna's red eye has gone, and Karla (the basketball player) is now in full frame. That's not going to fix her broken arm, though, is it? Julie calls her mum, who says that Sammy's all fine now, and they're coming home. Julie now has one less plan: she's going to make the camera take a picture of itself. I have to say, that's actually pretty clever. She positions it in front of a mirror, and presses the shutter with a coat hanger. Unfortunately, this just duplicates the camera. Oh no, now there's double the ridiculous deformations!
Enter Horrorland
Right, so, since technical difficulties have (for the time being) rendered me unable to review book 7 (My Friends Call me Monster), I'm going to have to go off of the book's recap in order to tell you what's happened so far. I'm going to assume they all got out of the Bat Barn in one piece (though I hope Matt Daniels and Billy Deep didn't). In order to investigate what's happening, Michael Munroe went into some underground tunnels, and they all got chased by monsters. Eventually, Michael ended up in Panic Park, which brings us up to now.
Inexplicably, Julie shows up after the rest of the gang so far. Because she's Julie, she has brought her camera and snaps a picture of a fortune teller booth. In the photo, she sees a familiarly annoying dummy ( *Lets out a really long groan to the tune of the Jurassic Park theme*), though in real life, he's not there (thank goodness) Suddenly, she hears a horrible noise, and sees some horrors restraining some monsters, but figures it's all part of the theme park, and takes some pictures of it because of course she does. Might I point out that Julie's been invited to a theme park for a week, all expenses paid, and all she wants to do so far is take pictures. Luckily for my mental stability, a bunch of the horrors surround Julie, grab her camera off of her, take the memory card out and chuck it far, far away.
Suddenly, the other Very Special Guests arrive, asking about Michael. Julie reveals that she was looking for them, and they introduce themselves. Roll call time:
- Britney "Average" Crosby, and her ridiculously named friend, Molly Molloy, from Revenge of the Living Dummy. (both missing, link earlier on)
- Billy "the idiot" Deep, and his sister, Sheena, from Creep from the Deep.
- Matt "social moron" Daniels, from Monster Blood for Breakfast.
- Carly Beth "actually intelligent" Caldwell, and her best friend, Sabrina Mason, from The Scream of the Haunted Mask.
- Robby "nice guy" Schwartz, from Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz (duh).
- Abby "paranoid" Martin, from Who's Your Mummy?
- Michael "monster" Munroe, from My Friends Call Me Monster (also missing).
- And, of course, Julie "photography nerd" Martin, from this story.
Julie starts making her way back to the Stagger Inn, when suddenly, the others show up. Yay? Julie tells the others what happens, and they immediately start making a big deal about it. Here's a thought- what evidence is there that they're all in danger other than Byron repeatedly saying, "You're in danger," and his repeated instructions to find the other park? Matt asks Julie to tell the gang everything she knows, because apparently, they can't even take a break to go on the rides and stuff. Also, I'm pretty sure that was her plan the whole time. The mirror was wrapped in a piece of paper, which turned out to be an ad for the cafe where Britney and Molly Molloy were last seen. However, Julie of course has no idea what's going on. Well, I wouldn't expect this operation to be run efficiently; Matt is the one in charge, after all. Speaking of which, Matt reveals that mirrors are important to them escape, to which Julie responds by saying that Byron had given her a mirror. Everyone else immediately responds by going completely apes**t, until Julie reveals that she had dumped it in the bin. Luckily, Abby has an idea (well, were you expecting Billy Deep to come up with it?): go back to the bin and search for the mirror. Unfortunately, when they get there, the bin's being emptied. Like an idiot, Matt (can it be about someone else for once?) rushes towards the bin lorry, yelling at the top of his lungs for them to not dump the bin. Of course, he doesn't listen, because either the bin lorry was too loud, or he was just tired of Matt's s**t.
The gang start moaning, and start brainstorming ideas. Billy says that they can't just walk out, but Matt thinks, "Yeah, why don't we try that? I'm sure nothing will go wrong!" He also calls Billy Deep, "brilliant," displaying that he's gone mad. Probably happened at the magic show. So, off they head to the exit. Right when they get to the turnstiles, a horror in one of the booths stops them and is unnecessarily threatening, since all he really wanted to do was stamp their hands. Thus, the Very Special Guests just walk right out of the park.
Extra toppings
How come Billy's barely been doing anything? If he's not doing anything stupid, then how am I supposed to insult his intelligence? I miss when there were about 5 Very Special Guests, and people aside from Matt and whoever the narrator was actually did something.
Conclusion
I feel like there were 2 thought processes when coming up with this story:
- We need to make another Say Cheese and Die book.
- You know what Goosebumps needs? More photography.
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