Goosebumps #4: The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb

Blurb
Gabe and his know-it-all cousin Sari can't wait to explore the pyramids of Egypt with his favourite uncle - an archaeologist - as their personal guide. It'll be really cool!
But Gabe never realised how big pyramids are, or how many hundreds of tunnels they have. It's too easy to get lost, and end up face to face with an ancient mummy!
But Gabe isn't that scared. After all, there isn't really any such thing as the curse of the mummy's tomb (cinemasins counter: "Ding. Roll credits")... is there?

Plot
We open with our hero, Gabe Sabry, on his Christmas vacation in Egypt. Really, mate? Egypt? Why not Germany; their Christmas celebrations are nice. Actually, they're there because buisness reasons. Like most things in this book, I don't care about it, so I won't bother to elaborate further. Also, Gabe's uncle, Ben Hassad, is at work here in Egypt, seeing as he's an archaeologist. I think archaeologists do more than just running around pyramids, y'know. Currently, Gabe and his parents are admiring the pyramids, and calling Giza "Al-Jizah," despite the fact that Gabe is not Arabic, but who cares, next scene. Wow, I'm not even out of chapter 1 and I'm already bored.They drive back to Cairo, though Gabe's mother tries to get him to check out the River Nile. Gabe instead just plays on his game boy, because, according to the actually good point Gabe makes:

...when you get down to it, a river is a river.

Upon arriving back at the hotel, Gabe tries watching TV, despite the fact he has a game boy. Doesn't really matter, because all the channels are in Arabic. Honestly, this whole segment is the definition of "who cares?" There's an entire paragraph where Gabe's just rattling on about what type of coke you get in Egypt. Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Just then, Gabe's parents get a call saying they have to go to Alexandria on business, so Gabe has to get looked after by Uncle Ben. Maybe he's excited about all the free rice he'll get. Gabe is mildly disappointed when he learns that his annoying, know-it-all cousin, Sari, will be coming along. From that description, it's clear this isn't a short story, since if it was, Sari would be the protagonist.

So, Gabe's parents depart, leaving Gabe alone in the hotel for an hour, and he spends a paragraph talking about Tetris. Not that I don't like Tetris, but this book is really boring. For example, so far, mummies haven't even been mentioned in this book called The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb!" Actually, that was perfect timing for me to say that, as, after watching an Arabic game show and playing on his Game Boy, and expositing about today's Deus Ex Machina, a small hand known as "the summoner," the door opens and in bursts a mummy. Sadly, because we're only in chapter 3 and this book needs to be as boring as possible, it's just Uncle Ben covered in bandages. That prank had way too much effort put into it, and it was a terrible way of introducing Uncle Ben and Sari. Yeah, she shows up to mock Gabe a bit. Actually, Uncle Ben even admits he put way too much effort into the prank. (*Slams head on desk repeatedly*) Immediately, Gabe starts grilling Uncle Ben about mummies, though Uncle Ben quite rightly tells him that they're not gonna talk about it right now.

Later, at dinner, Uncle Ben starts giving us some exposition - I mean, informing him about the pyramid. It was built in 2500BC by the made-up pharoh, Prince Khufu, and that they think that they're close to discovering his actual burial chamber. Why couldn't we have seen that? It seems more interesting than paragraphs about coke and Tetris.

The next morning, they all go to the pyramid. Gabe marvels at how awesome this expedition is going to be... before Shari shatters the mood by telling him his shoelace is untied. Wow, thanks for that, Sari. You know, I hope we're not expected to root for these 2, because Gabe's boring and Sari's an utter jerk. Uncle Ben hands Gabe a torch, and asks him a ridiculous question.

"You don't believe in curses, do you? You know - the ancient Egyptian kind."

As opposed to, say, the modern Macedonian kind, or the own-brand kind you buy at Aldi. Uncle Ben, Sari, and Gabe enter the pyramid, and come to the end of the tunnel, where they find a hole with a rope ladder. Uncle Ben goes down first, followed by Sari, and then Gabe. Gabe, like an idiot, decides to slide his hands down the ladder instead of just moving them like a normal person, cuts himself, recoils in shock, and starts to fall. When I first read this and Return of the Mummy, I thought they reminded me of the Deep Trouble books, and, judging by Gabe's moronic behaviour, I'm starting to see why. He crashes to the ground and dies. The end. No, unfortunately not. Sari grabs Gabe's wrists... I think? It's not really clear. I reread this bit about 5 times and I still have no idea what happens. Anyway, it somehow slows Gabe's fall enough for him to grab the ladder.Yay.

Gabe, Sari, and Uncle Ben set off through tunnels, where they meet no-one of note aside from Ahmed, some bloke from the university who's job is never explained. He's apparently there to observe Uncle Ben, but I have no idea what that entails. He shows up later, where he's central to the plot, but for niw he's just a random, seemingly obsolete character. Sari and Gabe set off exploring the pyramid, despite the fact Uncle Ben specifically told them not to in case they get lost.Quickly, they get seperated (there's a shocker) and Gabe stumbles around looking for her. Eventually, Gabe comes across a mummy case, and the lid opens, so Gabe is extremely terrified. Unfortunately, within the sarcophagus is Imhotep or Karris, but Sari. Well, I'm not surprised; it's not like I was expecting a Goosebumps book about mummies to have actual mummies attacking the protagonist. Gabe tells Sari her prank was utterly awful, which is true, but Sari is somehow too busy laughing to care. They find Uncle Ben who quite rightly tells them off (I didn't expect to write "quite rightly" so much in one of these reviews) and kicks them out of the pyramid. The end.

OK, no, not really. 2 days later, Gabe yammers on about Scrabble and stuff, because this is the high level of entertainment I buy these books for. At breakfast, Gabe laments taking an Arabic frosties packet home, and Uncle Ben drinks 3 cups of black coffee in one sitting. Holy Buzzfeed cartoon, Batman! Uncle Ben says he's off to the Cairo museum, and Gabe and Sari are coming with him. However, with perfect timing, he gets a call saying that 2 of his workers have mysteriously fallen ill, so he has to leave Gabe and Sari in the hotel for an hour. Yeah, yeah, try and cover it up; we all know it's scholastic telling you to stay away from the museum's huge mummy collection.

Sari gets immediately bored, because cousin sidekicks in these books are usually unlikeable unless they're in extremely grave danger. She says they should go to the museum anyway, which Gabe thinks is a terrible idea... for less than a page before he caves in. I'm sure nothing bad will happen. And just to seal the deal...

"What could possibly go wrong?" I replied.

 Well, now that you've just said that, everything. Everything can and will go wrong. You fool. There's a couple boring bits where Gabe and Sari just go in the museum and xcdcccccccccccccccccc Sorry, I just fell asleep on the keyboard. They bump into Ahmed, so they immediately run away from him. As you do. He manages to catch them and tells them that Uncle Ben sent him to get them. Nothing suspicious here! (See quote above) Gabe points out that they're only 2 blocks away, but Ahmed still insists. Gee, I'm just imagining a halo over Ahmed's head right now. They get in his car and Ahmed proceeds to immediately drive them out of town. What are the odds, eh? Ahmed's not even a very good kidnapper either; Gabe and Sari escape after less than a page when the traffic stops and they just jump out. Ahmed - master kidnapper. This guy'd easily put the Albanians from Taken to shame. Gabe and Sari lose Ahmed, but realise "oh wait- they're lost!" This is the 2nd time they've gotten lost and the chapter numbers haven't even hit double digits yet. They get in a cab and ask the driver to take them to their hotel, but he immediately bursts out laughing and Gabe and Sari assume he's working for Ahmed. Actually, he's laughing because the hotel's literally across the road from them. *Slow clapping.*

They get back to the hotel, and realise that Uncle Ben never sent Ahmed to get them. Really? I'd never've guessed! Just then, Uncle Ben comes back and says that the workers are in a state of shock. Gabe and Sari explain that Ahmed tried to kidnap them. No, the word "tried" would imply that there was a chance of him succeeding. Uncle Ben seems remarkably fine with them disobeying his strict instructions, and he says he's leaving them again to head off to the pyramid, but Sari of all people says that Ahmed might come back, so he says that Gabe and Sari can come with him, though they mustn't get lost. Yeah, good luck with that.

When they arrive, Uncle Ben gives them a bleeper (no, that's seriously what they're called), and Gabe brings up his mummy hand again for the first time in 8 chapters. Sari thinks it's lame, which it is, but I don't care, let's go. Within the pyramid, surprise, surprise, Gabe gets lost. Again. He stumbles around for a bit, falls down a hole, and dies. The end. OK, he doesn't die; instead he comes across a mummy. Then he realises that there's hundreds of them and a ton of mummy making equipment. There's also a tar pit, which suspiciously still seems fresh. I wonder who could be still using it (coughAhmedcough). Gabe gets scared and confused, so he calls for help. Before you ask, yes, he does try using his bleeper, but it was broken when he fell down the hole. Suddenly, a ton of scorpions show up and start crawling all over him. Good lord, the Purple Rage was behind this the whole time! Luckily, Sari reaches down the hole and pulls him to safety. She scolds him for losing them, though Gabe thinks that Uncle Ben won't be mad about the whole thing when he finds what Gabe has discovered. Sari uses her bleeper to summon Uncle Ben, but Ahmed shows up instead. Don't worry, he'll probably tie you up using clove hitches or something, you'll be fine. He tells them that they've violated the sacred chamber of the Priestess Khala, who we've never heard of until this point. He tells them that he scared the workers, and we get some explanation about what the curse of the mummy's tomb actually is. The priestess Khala (whoever that is) decreed that this chamber should never be violated; thus, her descendants have made sure that any who do die or suffer greatly or whatever. OK then. Where do I begin?

1. That's not a curse, that's just something a bunch of people throughout time have done.
2. It's not a mummy's tomb at all, it's a priestess' chamber.

 Ahmed reveals that all those who violated the tomb were mummified alive. OK, I'll admit it: that's awesome. Ahmed holds a torch and a dagger, so Gabe and Sari make a bolt for it. He catches them, and it turns out the room Gabe found was the one where they turned people into mummies; Khala's chamber is actually the place where Sari hid in the sarcophagus. That seems incredibly inconvenient, couldn't they have put those in the same room? Uncle Ben shows up and Sari tells him that Ahmed's trying to kill them. Uncle Ben tries to reason with Ahmed, but Ahmed, instead of killing him or setting him on fire or whatever, just knocks him out with the end of his torch. As villains do. Ahmed sets the tar pit to boil... by chucking his torch into it. Good job, you just lost half your weapons, you fool. Ahmed then starts dragging Uncle Ben across the floor. Sari somehow gets into her head that she can take Ahmed, a fully grown man wielding a knife, but Gabe holds her back. Ahmed tells them to get in the case, and, y'know, did the curse really have to be something that takes so long to do? Why not just "push them in the tar pit," or something? After a boring chapter where nothing happens, they find that Uncle Ben has already woken up and gotten into their sarcophagus. Apparently, the ancient Egyptians put doors in the back so that the souls of the dead, so Uncle Ben got out through the one in his sarcophagus, and entered through the one in Gabe and Sari's. Must be crowded. They get out of the coffin, and it turns out that Sari's been chewing her lip so hard that it's bleeding. Time to stop now, I think. Ahmed's not there, so they attempt to leave, but, lo and behold, Ahmed suddenly returns and tells them that they will all have to jump into the tar pit. Not exactly being mummified alive, is it? How will you get the bodies out? Anyway, for reasons even Gabe doesn't know, Gabe takes his mummy hand out of his pocket as some kind of diversion. Turns out that it's the hand of the Priestess, at least according to Ahmed.

Ahmed cries out in terror as, in a pretty cool scene,all of the mummies in the room come to life and move in on Ahmed, who has another torch. He throws it at one of the mummies, but the mummy just bursts into flames and acts as if nothing's happened, and if you don't think that's awesome, you're lying. Gabe closes his eyes, despite all the cool stuff that's happening, because he is an idiot. He's like the Billy Deep of the desert. We could call him "Gabe Sandy." OK, needs work, but you get the idea. When Gabe opens his eyes again, Ahmed is running away, terrified. The mummies return to the way they were before, and everything's fine once more. Wait, if Ahmed's getting away, shouldn't you call the police or something? He did try to kidnap and murder you, and all.

Later, back at the hotel, Gabe's messing around with the mummy hand. This is the 4th and final time it's mentioned in this book. He holds it up, jokingly pretending to summon the dead. Just then, there are footsteps and scrabbling at the door, and it's... Gabe's parents. And that's the end. Yeah, I never got it either.

Obvious plot twist is obvious
The mastermind behind everything that's going on is... Ahmed. Really? I'd never have guessed!


Extra toppings
Once, when Gabe and Sari were 8, they went to a deserted old house. It was Gabe's idea, seeing as he wanted revenge on her for an incident involving a skipping rope (it's a lot more boring than it sounds). Gabe told Sari the house was haunted, and they went in to explore. They got seperated (are you really surprised?) and Gabe was absolutely petrified. Later, he found Sari: she was sitting at home, eating chocolate cake. This flashback takes up 3 pages. Was it really worth it?

Conclusion
The Curse of the Mummy's Tomb can be summed up in 1 word: boring. Sure, the climax is good, but reading just for that is like watching Halloween 4 just for the ending. It's great, yeah, but the rest of it's just dull. However, since the climax is still enjoyable, I'll (begrudgingly) recommend it.