Is Matt's summer camp being taken over by an evil patch of poison ivy? Will Eric escape from his tank, now that he's been turned into a fish? Can Tara help the terrified voice she hears inside a seashell?
Find out in these ten creepy Goosebumps stories that are packed with scares...
Well, I'm back. After failing to make The Ghost Next Door funny and Revenge R Us touching on too many uncomfortable topics, followed by a busy Summer, an Autumn of change, and a Winter full of questioning the nature of the universe (for whatever reason), being locked in the house for at least the next month has given me some extra time.
Those who have been following the blog for a while will remember my Sunday Shorts section, which eventually fizzled out. So, while this review will contain some new material, a lot of it mght just end up being remastered reviews.
The Werewolf's First Night (Or, How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Moaning About Werewolf Mythology)
We open with our protagonist, Brian, en route to a holiday camp, Thunder Lake (that name is wasted on this place, it sounds way too awesome), which of course has a camp for the kids. Because we can't have anyone going anywhere during the summer that isn't a camp in Goosebumps. It's Brian's first year at the teen camp, and he's terrified because apparently there's werewolves. Because that's a logical conclusion to jump to just because one or 2 people told him.
At the camp, they're playing softball, when the batter, Don, smiles upon catching Brian out. And he has wolf fangs. Alright, that's not what werewolves in human form look like. They have pointy ears, a monobrow, and a lot of hair, sure, but they don't have visible fangs. And then when Don looks round again, his fangs are gone. These are the most illogical "werewolves" in the history of the universe.
That night, Brian sees someone running and howling through the woods wearing a red bulls t-shirt, just like another camper, Phil. Please bear in mind that werewolves in human form don't perform werewolf-ish actions, and it's not a full moon for another 4 days. The next morning, Brian spies wolf tracks where Phil was seen running through the woods. Again, it wasn't the full moon last night. This is the most obvious yet elaborate practical joke ever conceived.
A few nights later, the gang have a cookout by the lake. And nothing noteworthy happens during the cookout, but as they're off back to the cabin, Brian realises that he forgot his jacket, so he runs back to get it. At the lake, he sees yet another camper, Jake, howling at the not-full moon. I'm guessing that all Brian knows about werewolves is that they are people who turn into wolves on the full moon. Presumably just leaving his jacket at the lake, Brian dashes back up the path and tells his friend, Kevin about Jake as he catches up to him. But then Brian notices Kevin stuffing a piece of raw hamburger meat into his mouth. Again, werewolves in human form don't do that! Also, where the hell would Kevin have even gotten raw hamburger meat from in the first place? (I'm saying would because this is a very obvious fake-out.)
The following night, it's a full moon, and they're having an overnight camp. So, first, Brian tries to make himself sick (he tried telling his mum that something's up with his tonsils, but Mum points out that he had his tonsils out 2 years ago.), but that fails. So he tries telling his parents that he doesn't want to go on the campout because all the guys are mean. They force him to go. What's stopping him from just hiding in his cabin? So, that night, Brian skips dinner and hides in the safest and sturdiest structure around - his tent. That's when the howling starts, and it looks like we're in for a good spooky, subtle scene. But then Brian runs out of his tent, and spies Phil, who's become a werewolf. Then Jake, Kevin, Don, and the other campers emerge from their tents, and they've also become werewolves. Subtlety? What's that? The werewolves begin closing in, with Phil coming face to face with Brian. And then he takes his mask off. The whole thing was an elaborate, ludicrous practical joke. Apparently, they pull this prank every year, but Brian fell for it the best. Probably because he's a typical short story protagonist, and therefore a complete imbecile, who is composed entirely of the element I just made up, Stupidium (element number: a squillion, atomic weight: a gazillion). They then explain how they did it (read the story if you want to know, I really don't care anymore), and say that the joke's over. But then Brian turns into a werewolf and just nonchalantly accepts it before chasing after the other campers to presumably murder and eat them. Then, if he was a werewolf the whole time, then why was he so scared of them?
The Werewolf's First Night deserves to be The Werewolf's Last Night, as well. The protagonist is imbecilic, the whole "werewolf" prank is blindingly obvious to anyone with common sense about werewolves (werewolves do not typically display werewolf-ish traits in human form unless they're Fenrir Greyback), and the big reveal is just lacking in subtlety or any means of enjoyability. We're not off to a good start here, guys.
P.S. Don't Write Back (Oh Yeah, We're Meant to Be Scary)
We open with our protagonist, "Home Run" Dave Stevenson, at his summer camp, Timber Lake Hills. Dave appears to have been brainwashed, as he seems to believe that summer camp is the best thing since sliced bread, when there are better ways to spend your summer, like sitting indoors moaning about childrens' books. However, Dave has one complaint- his parents aren't sending him any letters!
The next day, Dave finally gets a letter from his parents, which the lady at the post office had found in the bottom of a drawer. It's... less than what Dave was hoping for.
Dear David,Dave is confused and upset by the letter, so he's glad when another one arrives, hoping it will explain everything. It doesn't.
We're not coming up for Visiting Day.
Your sister misses you. See you in August.
Mum and Dad.
P.S. The Girl Who Cried Monster
Dear David,In what is surely a first, the books have made things confusing in an attempt to actually be scary, which somehow works. Dave attempts to call his parents once more, but they're out and he realises he has to go on a scavenger hunt. As he's getting ready to go, however, he spots that the letters are adressed to a David Stevenson at Camp Timber Lane Hills. Figuring it was all a simple misunderstanding, Dave immediately comes to the logical conclusion that Camp Timber Lane Hills is on the other side of the lake, and decides to ditch the scavenger hunt to row across the lake to the mysterious camp that may or may or not exist in the dead of night.
We're sending you to live with your Great-uncle John. He's coming to pick you up on the 27th. We think it's for the best.
Mum and Dad.
P.S. One Day at Horrorland
Dave rows over the lake and, wouldn't you know it, Camp Timber Lane Hills is indeed stationed there. But there's something... off about the camp, with all the bunks being empty and the lights being out. And, like Dave, they're not off at a scavenger hunt. As the set is described very nicely, Dave comes across another Dave Stevenson, who politely starts screaming at Dave to leave before "they" see him. The other campers emerge from the shadows, moaning and groaning, and attempting to push Dave into an enourmous campfire. He flees back to camp, where he bumps into Sam (Oh yeah, he's in this story), and tries to tell him what just happened. Unsurprisingly, Sam doesn't believe him, but for one reason. Turns out that there hasn't been a camp Timber Lane Hills for decades after it burned down. Because suddenly these books can be subtle and actually unnerving.
P.S. Don't Write Back is actually really good. A lot is left up to the imagination, and the pacing is done well, allowing an atmosphere to creep in, and the payoff is actually decent. Maybe this won't be so -
Something Fishy (Or, the Apathy of Errors)
We open with our protagonist, Eric, moaning about how he's stuck in his town all Summer. Oh, my heart bleeds. After 3 pages of moaning about how warm it is (Oh, my heart bleeds further), Eric goes and buys a bunch of stuff for his fish tank whilst moaning about how his friends can't call him because they're away on holiday. Ah, 1995.
Eric spends another page talking about fish. While it's a change from the moaning, I'm starting to remember why I didn't originally cover this one. Finally, just before the halfway point, something happens - Eric gets up, and, for reasons even he doesn't know (oh God, they're becoming sentient), starts making circles in his fish tank. Suddenly, he describes himself feeling cold and wet, as if the author knew damn well what sort of jokes people were going to make in a story about a teenage boy confined to his house. Eric quickly realises that now he is a) tiny, b) can breathe underwater, and c) is now in his fish tank. Well, this story went from zero to "wat" at a record breaking speed.
Swimming around in the tank, Eric first tries to get his annoying little sister's attention, but fails dramatically as he is now a tiny fish man. After this, Eric gets into a really boring fight with a goldfish, although, in fairness, I don't know what an exciting fight with a goldfish would look like. Luckily, Eric had a plastic diver in his tank, so he grabs the spear and slays the fish with it. Why are pet shops going around selling decorations that can harm or kill your fish? Did they design them for Jigsaw to use on his fish?
Mum comes in, noticing the dead fish, and uses a net to scoop it out. Spying his chance, Eric swims into the net, and escapes. And is immediately stuck under the dead fish. How can a story this absurd be so dull at the same time? Like the premise of Tall Girl, but with less sexy Swedish exchange students. Mum attempts to flush the goldfish and (accidentally) Eric down the loo, leading to this gem:
"Please don't flush me! Please don't flush your only son!"Mark Twain, meet your new rival. Eric's protest fails, but he dries out relatively quickly and materialises in the middle of the bathroom. Mum does not see anything odd with this, because even the story doesn't care about its own absurdity.
2 days later, the temperature skyrockets to 102 degrees Fahrenheit (39 degrees, an average summer in Majorca), so Eric comes up with a cunning plan - he seals up a bit of the tank for himself, and makes a bunch of circles in the tank once more, going for a swim. As you normally do when in possession of an eldritch fish tank of unknown origin. However, at that point, Mum comes in with a bunch of Siamese fighting fish ("the meanest fish on Earth," apparently) and, thinking that Eric had magically predicted she was purchasing them (given the incident in the bathroom, I'm not surprised), dumps them in Eric's bit as he's swimming. Again, who just casually sells fish like that?
Well, we're 2 for 3 so far. How can a story be so absurd and yet so boring? Clearly this book's existence is scarier and more mysterious than the stories it's been telling so far.
You Gotta Believe Me! (Shock of All Shocks, We Don't)
We open with our protagonist, Stanley, telling us about how he saved the world from aliens. Shock of all shocks, despite him telling everyone (including his pet tortoise and the President), nobody believes him. In an attempt to convince us, Stanley tells us his tale. It begins with him moaning about how his parents won't let him watch TV. He still watches it at his friends' houses, however, because their parents are relatively sane and don't believe technology is the source of all evil. I'd go into why I disagree with that, but I don't want to bore you any more than theses stories already have.
One awfully specific 12th of July (especially for a story wherein the protagonist has no surname), Stanley conveniently awakens in the dead of night, goes downstairs for a drink, and sees a flying saucer hovering over his neighbour's back garden. He attempts to tell the neighbour, but, shock of all shocks, he doesn't gotta believe him, and kicks Stanley off of his property. Nobody else gotta believes Stanley, either - at least, if they acknowledge him at all. Get used to it, kid. Sixth form's gonna be rough for you.
The following night, Stanley stays up to see the flying saucer. If this was a full length book, this scene would probably be a repeat of the last one (along with the next 12 chapters), but luckily the story keeps things rolling, as the saucer lands and Stanley describes it in the traditional American units of "football" fields. 2 aliens the size of cows emerge and start speaking perfect English, surprising even the book. Yep, even outer space has better language education than the UK. The aliens detail their cunning plans to weaken Earth's resolve by broadcasting signals through their TVs to vaguely make them not believe in aliens. Stanley quickly notices the flaw in this plan - not everyone, including him, owns a TV. However, Stanley loses his poor cover when somebody sneezed. The aliens, presumably in a misguided attempt to limit the spread of Coronavirus, knock him out and quarantine him in their ship.
When Stanley wakes up, the aliens make him watch a bunch of not-Star Trek reruns for 3 hours. The plan appears to be to mind control him, but nothing happens. Nobody, including the book, is sure why. Stanley manages to act his way off the ship, and tries to tell his parents, but, shock of all shocks, they don't believe him. He also tries to tell his nondescript friends about the aliens, but, shock of all shocks, you can probably guess the rest.
Stanley comes up with a cunning plan to defeat the aliens, and buys a nonsensical amount ($134.59 worth, or about £117.52 if you live in the UK) of tinfoil. However, 117 quid isn't enough to defeat an alien invasion on its own - no, he needs more tinfoil, so he steals his nondescript brother's science fair project - a large ball of tinfoil. Because his brother is Doctor Doofenshmirtz. He sees the aliens' ship with a comedically large satellite on it, and stealthily sets up an enormous screen of tinfoil in front of it. To everyone's surprise, this actually works, and the aliens' magic television beam that would've, I don't know, turned everyone into Scotsmen or something, is reflected back at them, and they fly off back into space. And everything is lovely once again. Wonderful.
This story seems to be what The Girl Who Cried Monster should've been. Short, to the point, with decent pacing. It's not a flawless story - the TV angle is utterly ridiculous, and nearly every character just exists to not believe Stanley - but it's still the second best story in this compilation so far.
Suckers! (You Actually Thought We'd Defeat the Villain in an Interesting Manner!)
We open with our protagonists, Ashley, her little brother Jack, and her cousin Greg, being harassed by the 2 people compensating for our protagonist's lack of jerkiness, Alex Pratt and Jimmy Stern, who I will be referring to as the Beymer twins - tropical flavour. They're pretty much the same, except slightly less hateable. Why are they tormenting our main characters, you don't ask? Because they only hang out at Black Island during the summer, and all the scurvy knaves who do are wimps. Apparently, Black Island, where this story is set, is where the tropical Beymer twins live all year round, Jim lad. And for whatever reason, me hearties, it be named like something out of a pirate story. Ok, I'll stop.
After pretending that they're going to drop a jellyfish on Ashley's head, beating up Jimmy and Greg, and stealing the latter's sweets, the tropical flavoured Beymer twins depart. On the bright side, however, they didn't get all of Greg's sweets, so there's a bright side, I guess. Greg offrs Ashley a gummy worm, who for whatever thinks they're disgusting, and thus declines. Jack spies a chest nearby, so they go to investigate. Greg tries to kick the lock off, but fails miserably, of course. Ashley spies a piece of driftwood, so grabs it and uses it to open the chest. However, they do not find pirate's treasure or something like that in there, but rather a blob monster. It latches onto Ashley's leg, and, I've got to say, this is a lot more fun than PS: Don't Write Back, which I was originally going to review. It starts crawling up Ashley's leg, using the suckers which it has, leaving a painful trail up her leg. Greg tries hitting it with a stick, but to no avail, and just hurts Ashley's leg. Wow, imagine if this guy was in IT; he'd probably be the first to die. Then the blob removes a sucker from Ashley's leg and starts sniffing around in Greg's pocket. It pulls out a jelly worm and eats it. Thinking quickly, Greg pulls out a handful of jelly worms and waves them in front of the creature. It eats them, jumping off Ashley... and on to Greg.
Worse still, Greg's out of sweets, so Ashley and Jack race off to their house on their bikes, go into Greg's bedroom and start digging around. Luckily, they don't find any of Greg's magazines, but they do find some packets of gummy worms... which are empty. So, they run down to the shop to buy some, in a move that no other short story protagonist would've come up with. I mean, Bonnie Sue Bowers would've just painted her nails and let Greg die, Willa would've gone to shout at Gina, and
Sarah would've just been all "Eh," and not told anyone. Ashley and Jack grab about 20 bags each, but I guess they're not THAT smart, because they forgot to bring any money with them. Ashley pleads to the shopkeeper, saying that they're for Greg, so the shopkeeper says he'll just put it on their parents' bill. As you do.
They set off to the beach, but Jack's gear chain slips. He tells Ashley to continue on her way, which she does, but she gets lost. And who should show up, but the tropical Beymer twins.
Suckers! is a fantastic story. The pacing is good, the monster is really good, the heroes are likeable and the bullies are fun to hate. This is arguably one of the better short stories (although the bar's been set pretty low at this stage.
Doctor Horror's House of Video (Fright Night Part III: Let's Get Meta)
We open with our protagonist, Ben Adams, watching a cheesy B-movie called The Plant That Squeezed St Louis. It was a bold move to cast Judy Garland in a Little Shop of Horrors sequel, but I personally think it payed off. Ben's on holiday, and has decided to make the most of it by staying inside watching horror movies for 2 weeks. I don't know where this guy would thrive more, 4chan or WatchMojo. Mum is treated as unreasonable as calling him out for this, and kicks him out of the house to explore town. I'm more concerned that it took her 2 weeks to accomplish this.
Whilst in town, Ben comes across a video store (ah, 1995) called, you guessed it, Welcome to Dead House. The proprietor, who is actually called Doctor Horror, is your typical creepy old man, and explains to Ben that he makes all the films in his shop in his garage, similar to Be Kind, Rewind but without the added charm of Jack Black's conspiracy theories. After Ben spends half a page staring at a movie playing on a TV in the building, Lizardman, he gets jumpscared by Mum wearing gardening gloves, who drags him out of the shop. Ben never considers just asking Doctor Horror if he can rent Lizardman, presumably because Ben has no idea how video stores work.
The next day, Ben gets up early and heads back to the video store to try and watch the rest of Lizardman. Again, I can't fathom why he doesn't just rent it. Alas, the store is closed, so he resorts to the Ol' Goosebumps Standby, and watches the rest of the movie in the store. After the movie ends, he goes through what he thinks is the backdoor... and ends up in Doctor Horror's garage/studio. After some fakeouts, Ben bumps into Doctor Horror, who explains that he's filming a new movie right now, instead of calling the police. Doctor Horror immediately offers Ben the chance to star in his new production, Return of Lizardman. Because I guess there are no other monsters he wants to make a film about.
Doctor Horror ties Ben to a rock for his big scene with Lizardman, when Ben decides to ignore Lizardman's personal space and tries to take his mask off. Except there is no mask. It's a real monster. Goodness gracious me, I'm so shocked. As Lizardman and the crew (who are all monsters too) prepare to attack Ben, Doctor Horror calls them off. Well, for about 20 seconds, anyway.
I'm not sure what to think about this one. It's mildly inventive, and has that charm similar to those movies about indie film-making that makes you want to make films yourself. But the twist is predictable and barely anything happens. It's certainly not the worst in this compilation, though - not by a long shot.
Shell Shocker (The Horror Returns)
We open with our protagonist, Tara, at the beach with her brother. They are in a tough, serious argument... over who's getting possession of a bloody sea shell. It's a good job that I'm not really supposed to care about Tara, judging by the ending. Tara claims that this shell isn't just any shell; no, it's the most perfect shell in the world, and everyone is going to be jealous of it. No they're not. No 12 year old gives a damn, half a damn, or even a thousandth of a damn about sea shells. Even in 1995, when all the video games coming out were terrible and presumably when this book was released. And here's the cherry on top of the ridiculous cake: Tara claims that she's going to win the science fair with it. I repeat, she claims she is going to win the science fair with a bloody sea shell.
Tara enters the cave, and the story (but sadly not Tara's character) gets much better. Within the cave, the voice tells Tara not to touch the walls... before she stumbles and immediately touches the walls, which are covered with spiders. This is written in a way that lets us feel Tara's fear, and it also keeps building from here. The voice reminds Tara of the giant bloody sea shell, so she keeps going. She feels something under her feet, but the shell just says, "Eh, just ignore it." Then she slips and falls onto a pile of sharp white rocks. Except they're not rocks at all; they're bones. This moment is another really creepy moment, that would've worked even better if the protagonist wasn't a prized jerk. The voice says they're just fish bones, though Tara points out that they're a bit big to be fish bones. "Errr... they're really big fish," says the voice.
They eventually make it to the giant shell, which Tara believes will make her rich and famous. Famous? Well, it'll probably get you into the Guinness Book of Records, but rich? How? Tara is busy admiring the shell (does she know Harold from The Thumbprint of Doom?), when the voice pipes up again; it forgot to tell her something.
"This truly is the biggest shell in the world.And inside it lives - the biggest hermit crab in the world!"With that, a gigantic crab emerges from the enormous shell and grabs Tara. Is this entire story just the opening to a b-movie or something? She drops the talking shell, and from it pops a small hermit crab. It says to the giant hermit crab that it caught another human. He also implies that it's his mother. Wow, puberty must do wonders for these things. Also, I really like this ending. It's wonderfully dark, but it doesn't go too far. Also, the giant crab's claws snap shut around Tara, presumably slicing her in 2 and killing her. Yikes.
Shell Shocker is fantastic. It's a lot better than most of the other short stories, which is kind of a given, but it's a lot darker than most goosebumps stories, which seems to work to it's advantage.
The Cat's Tale (or, Cry of the Cat - Zero Year)
We open with our protagonist, Marla, and her family having moved out of New York city to the countryside, and she's extremely unhappy. Despite the fact that they moved here a year ago. Maybe she's secretly unhappy that the move from the big city to the countryside isn't at all like Hot Fuzz. One stormy night (what other kind is there?), Mum, Dad, and Marla's annoying
The following morning, Misty gets in the shower with Marla-wait what. This is supposed to be charming, I think. American Beauty was more charming than this. Mum reveals that she's joined a swimming club, and that somehow means that Marla and Scott (oh yeah, he's in this story) can go to the local pool whenever they fancy. And Marla's still annoyed by the whole 'moving away' thing. Misty looks a bit upset at the fact that Marla's leaving, presumably because she's now unable to live without anyone looking after her for more than 5 minutes now. She learns fast. So, Marla stays at home and cuddles Misty.
The next day, Marla leaves Misty at home (fair, I suppose) and goes to the pool. As she gets to the high-dive, she suddenly feels afraid of the water, and decides to come back down. I should point out that the development of obvious cat-like attributes is the only thing that's done well in this story, as it fits in well with the pacing. Suddenly, she realises that there's something up there with her (wait your turn!)... before she feels a pain in her leg and plummets into the water, before quickly losing consciousness. The lifeguard saves her, though the way it's written, it's like she was saved and given CPR in the span of 4 seconds.
Marla realises that Misty's attempting to steal her body. Oh no, not again! So, she takes Misty off to the animal shelter, which are common in the middle of the countryside. But the cat came back the very next half-hour, and when Marla gets back, Misty's there on the doorstep. So, Marla takes Misty to the bus station, in an attempt to send Misty halfway across the country, to be adopted by some other poor sod. However, Misty escapes from her cat carrier (why is anyone surprised?).... and gets hit by a bus. Mwa mwa mwawawaw.
That night, Misty thinks she's safe at last... until she hears Misty chanting in her room. Turns out she's still got 8 lives left. Of course she does. Run for your lives; no couch is safe!
The Cat's Tale is your typical short story: unscary, unintelligent, and with nothing of value for anyone. Unless, say, your first reaction at the sight of a cat is to wet yourself and move to another planet, screaming all the way from the estate agents.
Poison Ivy (Yet Another Camp Story)
We open with our protagonist, Matt, off to camp. The name of this camp, you don't ask? Camp Wilbur. The literal first 2 lines of the story are talking about how dumb the name is. Then Matt's attention turns to how dumb the idea of summer camp actually is. I like this kid. 2 of Matt's bunkmates, Vinny and Mike, are alright, but the problem is Brad. Brad is described as looking like... well, imagine all of the main characters from Saved by the Bell (except Screech) were put in a blender, and made into a new male humanoid, which was then genetically altered so that he was 12. And then he was submerged in disgusting aftershave, which became his one character trait: he stinks because of the aftershave he uses. He doesn't shave or anything, he just apparently likes it. Matt runs outside, leaving Vinny and Mike to perish from Brad's stench. He joins a game of baseball, (since the rules at Camp Wilbur are, to quote, "Do whatever you want. just don't get in trouble.") and discovers the titular plant growing nearby him. He then messes up at baseball; don't care, next scene.
That night, Matt is awoken by a scratching sound. His first theory is snakes, because snakes typically make scratching noises when slithering through the grass. Matt sneaks out, because Goosebumps protagonists are slaves to their own curiosity, but then suddenly thinks, "What the hell am I doing here?" So, he's about to go back inside, when suddenly, a large beast rears up in front of him. Except, wait, it's not a hideous beast at all: it's poison ivy. And it's grown incredibly quickly. Matt charges back into his cabin at the speed of a light wave trying to catch the bus, and starts telling his bunkmates (whom he woke up) about the poison ivy. They, shock of all shocks, don't believe him. Matt quickly realises how ridiculous he sounds. Can this guy come back in another book?
The next morning, because humans are dumb, loads of the campers have fights with the poison ivy. Kind of like a stickyweed fight, except stupid. They think that it can't be poison ivy; it grows too fast for that to be true. And then they proceed to discuss the coats they're wearing, I presume. By lunchtime, half the kids are covered in rashes. I need to change my mental definition of 'Well what did you think was going to happen?' to.. well, a summary of the events that just transpired. 2 of the Councillors go out that evening to try and get rid of the poison ivy. They're never seen again. That's supposed to be dramatic, not a comment. Why do I need to point that out?
The next morning, it seems to be rather dark outside. Matt opens the curtain to see that the window is covered by (what else?) poison ivy. The gang try the door, but that's stuck too; covered by poison ivy. Vinny, Mike, and Matt call Brad over for assistance (oh, yeah, he's here. It's pretty easy to forget about him when you can't actually smell him.), and he reluctantly agrees. Suddenly, as he moves towards the poison ivy, it starts to retreat. It doesn't take Matt long to realise that Brad's aftershave is driving the poison ivy backwards. They grab the cans in Brad's bag (all 19 of them), and begin spraying the poison ivy with the Eau de Monster Blood For Breakfast. Eventually, after several hours (I've never done it, but I don't think that spraying evil sentient poison ivy with disgusting aftershave is that time consuming), they manage to drive the poison ivy into the lake, where it sinks and presumably drowns. The campers, who are there now (they should rename this place Camp Batman. It's a better name than Wilbur, anyway.), cheer in celebration. Suddenly, a large, buzzing tornado appears on the horizon, causing Brad to remember something: his aftershave attracts mosquitoes. Well, at least it doesn't attract sharks, I suppose. Please don't make that into the next Sharknado.
Poison Ivy is a lot more than I expect from these stories, in that it's not that bad. The plot is creative, and there are some really good moments. However, Brad is pretty one-dimensional, and we know zilch about everyone else. Well, except Matt. He's awesome. Also, the ending's pretty stupid, though I can't really think of anything else they could've done.
The Spirit of the Harvest Moon (We couldn't get the rights to Stardew Valley, you see)
We open with our protagonist, Jenny, getting dragged off to the Pine Mountain Lodge by her parents. We're introduced to the mostly pointless supporting cast - Mr Bass, the Frankenstein's Monster-esque proprietor (whom Mum seems to take an interest in), Mrs Bass, a sack of laundry constantly sat in front of the telly, Tyler Bass, the goldfish-esque boy Jenny's age, and Bravo, the Basses' pet dog, who I'm sure will take no active part in the story and will just be here for set decoration. Jenny and her parents are shown to their rooms, and Mr Bass ominously locks all the doors and windows. And then the horror truly sets in - there's no telly in Jenny's bedroom!
After a sleepless night of somebody repeatedly calling Jenny's name, she's woken up at the buttcrack of dawn by her parents, who attempt to drag her up Devil's Peak. She declines, and gets a tour of the lodge by Tyler. Which lasts all of 2 minutes. Luckily, this isn't dragged out for 3 chapters (I could get used to this short story lark). Upon asking Tyler about the voices she heard last night, Tyler goes into exposition mode as though he were telling Harker to stay out of Castle Dracula. Apparently, once a hiker went up Devil's Peak and, because he was part of a Terry Gillam animation, turned into a wandering mist. The wandering mist decided it needed a hobby, so it tried out stealing people's bodies during the harvest moon. However, the wandering mist has one weakness - closing all the doors and windows, apparently. Hence Mr Bass's precautions. If the mist gets you, it leaps into your body, and you'll be forced to live as a boring, wandering mist for a year. Wouldn't be the worst year of my life, honestly.
After another night with something outside calling Jenny's name, Jenny quickly assumes Tyler is the spirit because he rarely eats and Bravo whimpered once when he moved in its general direction. Something Fishy is no longer the dumbest story in this collection. And it's the harvest moon that night. Jenny panics and regurgitates the totally believable tale of the wandering mist to her parents. Shock of all shocks, Mum and Dad don't believe her, and pop off to play bridge.
That night, Tyler bangs on the door, because he's shut outside. Jenny believes him to be the wandering mist, so tells him to go away. Then he gets attacked by Bravo and presumably runs off. I hope, at least. But there still needs to be a twist ending, and we haven't set anything up yet, so it turns out Bravo was possessed by the wandering mist all along. And presumably now Jenny is too. Ah well. I'm pretty sure being turned into a wandering mist is a pretty good quarantine method.
Well, a generic silly story seems like a fitting way to close this out. There's almost no setup for anything, the tension is passable at best, and things just kind of happen without any input from the protagonist. I probably should've stopped writing 10 pages ago.
Next time: Gabe and Shari return to presumably get lost some more! And there might be a mummy at one point. Probably not, but you never know.
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