Goosebumps Most Wanted #3: How I Met My Monster

Blurb
Noah Bienstock can't help being so shy and nervous; he's always been like that. His best friend, Lissa Gardener, lives in the same building, but aside from her, Noah isn't very popular. So when he learns that the new student in his class is also his neighbour, Noah's excited to have a new person to hang out with. But as the boys spend more tome together, Noah starts to worry all over again - is there something strange about his new friend?

Plot
We open with our protagonist, Noah 'Bean' Bienstock (Jesus, God, and the Holy Spirit) having a dream about swimming and also a monster that's catching him up. I'd point out this sequence's lack of a point, but there is actually a lack of a lack of a point. And not, as his Mum believes, because it shows Noah is scared of the swim team tryouts.

After leaving his apartment block, Sternom House (SUBTLE), Noah gets jumpscared by his best mate, Lissa Gardener. And then he gets confronted by the resident jerk, Harlan Egman, who is somehow popular and not the subject of many a Sonic the Hedgehog joke. Hey, we've already got 2 of the obligatory characters introduced! Now we just need the sceptical parent and the exposition device! Also, Noah takes it as a big deal that Not-A-Doctor Eggman drinks coffee before he gets mugged. Sorry, 12-year-old Robotnik, but

Later, in Form Period/Homeroom, a new kid called Monroe Morton joins the class, and sits next to Noah. And, of course, he lives in Sternom House as well. Should I be concerned that this mirrors the story of how George and Harold from Captain Underpants met? They hit it off because of really lame similarities, such as the fact that they have the same backpack and are left-handed, and not because of interesting ones such as liking similar bands or agreeing that 'Kick a Ginger Day' is rather discriminatory.

After a ton of pointless stuff about The Death Eg, Noah's dad drops him off at the mall to meet up with Monroe. After a quick chat with Lissa, who's there getting a dress for her cousin's wedding, and the utterance of the phrase:

"Okay. You saw a monster. Deal with it."

Noah finally meets Monroe at the donut shop. They go to grab lunch at "The Burger Balloon," when suddenly a woman cries out that there's a monster, grabbing Noah's attention. When he looks back, Monroe has some raw hamburger meat on his chin. Oh boy. Here we go again. However, Monroe is somehow able to pass this off as bubblegum. Again, somehow.

Monroe and Noah pop into Dad's pet store to get something for the school pet fair. Because that's a thing that schools have. When moving some bags of seeds, however, Noah notices a monster in the front of the shop rip 2 gerbils out of a cage and eat them. However, the monster melts into the shadows before Dad can see it. Noah quickly realises that he hasn't noticed Monroe whenever the monster showed up, so comes to the conclusion that Monroe is the monster. Congratulations, Noah! You read the back of the book!

That night, Noah finds a dead gerbil with "MONSTERS RULE" carved into it on his desk. His parents are concerned about it for a shockingly short amount of time, before laughing it off as a harmless prank. Congratulations, you win the "worst parents of the month award!"

The next day, Harlan shows up, not after the chaos emeralds, but rather Monroe's lunch. Monroe tries to keep it from him, so Egmanland drop kicks Monroe into a tree. Suddenly, Noah can't see Harlan, but he can see a pile of bones on the floor. Except it's just a pile of chicken bones somebody dumped on the floor, and Harlan is, well,

After school, Noah pops round to Lissa's (oh yeah, she's in this story). Suddenly, as they're discussing the monster, said monster appears in the doorway for a short while. Lissa also reads the back of the book and comes the conclusion that Monroe is the monster. In case you're not keeping track, we've just reached the halfway point. And barely anything's happened that's noteworthy.

After 5 chapters of nothingness, Noah and Monroe go and watch Lissa's swim meet. After Lissa's race, a monster suddenly drags Noah into the pool. And somehow nobody notices. The swim coach simply asks Noah what the hell he's doing. Because he's blind or something.

Remember how I said that Noah's parents are borderline the worst? Well, they're going on holiday for a week, and just abandoning him. I mean, he's gonna be staying with Monroe, but what was their plan before that? Noah tries to convince them that Monroe's a monster, but of course, they don't believe him. Big shock.

That night, at half 2 in the morning, Noah wakes to find Monroe's gone. Instead of going back to bed and hiding, he decides to investigate because of course he does. Outside, he finds the monster eating a rabbit. Immediately, the monster pounces onto Noah, because Noah has the same amount of stealth as a runaway train that's on fire. When Noah calls the monster "Monroe," it simply laughs and transforms... into Lissa. That's... not a bad twist, honestly. Lissa warns Noah not to tell anyone that she's a monster... so he immediately pops back to Monroe's and tells him that Lissa's the monster. Dammit Noah, you had one job!

Because Noah grassed, the next day at school, Lissa says she's gonna give Noah a 5 minute head start, and then she's gonna get him. So, he legs it back to Monroe's. Except Monroe is a monster as well. There was almost no buildup to this, technically, but OK. Lissa shows up and explains that everyone in Sternom House is a monster, and they're not allowed to tell anyone. Monroe is also a monster, but his monster form hasn't been unlocked yet. As such, they make him down something called Monster Helper, which is apparently, according to Monroe, "water with a little bit of monster added." I'm not exactly clamouring to know what bit of monster they used, but, whatever, Noah's a werewolf and now going to go kill Egman in order to prevent him from releasing Chaos from the master emerald. And nothing is lovely ever again. Terrible.

Any Questions?
Why aren't the Sternom House inhabitants allowed to tell their own kids that they're monsters? That kind of seems counterproductive.
Where did all the other monsters come from? Like, were the Mortons not monsters before they started living there?

Conclusion
How I Met My Monster is... OK, I guess. The relationship between Monroe and Noah is done well (until the whole monster stuff starts), and the twist with Lissa is pretty good, but the story feels boring and pointless, Not-Robotnik is utterly superfluous, and the whole "everyone's a monster twist" comes out of nowhere. Overall, passable enough.