Amanda and Josh aren't too sure about the old house they've just moved into. It's spooky, and probably haunted, and their new neighbourhood, Dark Falls, is pretty creepy, too.
Their parents don't understand them - You'll get used to it, they say. Go out, make some new friends.
But the kids Amanda and Josh meet are twice as weird as the house. Not exactly what their parents had in mind. They're friendly, all right, maybe a little too friendly. In fact, they want to be friends... forever.
Plot
We open with our protagonist, Amanda, inspecting a new house with her family in the not at all ominous sounding town of Dark Falls. There's her prankster brother, Josh (I see they've been playing this card from the get go), their dog, Petey, and their generic nondescript parents. Also there is the realtor, Straight Outta Compton Dawes. Apparently, nondescript Dad had been left the house by his Great Uncle Charles whom he didn't know existed, and nobody thought this was suspicious. Anyway, Petey suddenly starts ominously barking at Compton, and the family apologise to him. Amanda goes into the house to choose her room, (why do so many of these sentences start with the letter A?) when she suddenly spies a mysterious boy on the landing. She casually asks Compton if the house is haunted, and the response is a resounding "no." And they're right, actually. There is nothing spooky about the house itself. Why didn't they just call the book "Welcome to Dark Falls"?
Suddenly, the gang discover that Josh and Petey have taken a powder, so Compton dons a black cowboy hat for no particular reason other than terrible foreshadowing, and they set off driving around the town to find Josh. They eventually find him in - where else? - the graveyard, where he's chasing after Petey. Nondescript Dad suggests getting a leash for Petey, despite Josh's protest. Which in turn is despite the fact that Petey ran halfway across town and got Josh lost.
After a couple scenes wherein Amanda sees the boy from earlier in the hall and her bedroom, and she never thinks to call the police, Amanda, Josh, and Petey go out for a walk and encounter a boy called Ray Thurston who is totally not dead, why do you ask? Ray takes them down to the playground to
Not long after, a few days later, Petey runs away from home because, again, they never bothered to get him a leash. Nondescript Mum and nondescript Dad go off to some potluck dinner organised by people they don't know who are clearly undead. And, predictably, they don't come back. So, like good Goosebumps protagonists (it's about time they played into the series' tropes), they decide to go get them themselves. And also find Petey, for whatever reason, despite the fact that he's proven himself to be utterly useless.
So, they go to the cemetery. And Petey's there. Hooray. Except there's one little snag... he's undead. Yeah, they murdered the dog. Tasteful. (But I guess it's still better than Matt Daniels) And then they see the kids' names on the tombstones. Yep, the kids we knew for a scene were undead. What a twist. Amanda tries to run, but Ray (oh yeah, he's there. I forgot to mention that) grabs her. However, Josh shines his torch on Ray, and he melts in unfortunately gruesome detail. You know, for kids.
Amanda and Josh run home, because they've sooo much evidence to believe that Mum and Dad will be there, only to find the other kids. They exposit that the house Amanda and co have moved into is "The Dead House," where they invite people once a year to murder them. Because once a year they need new blood or something. In case you hadn't guessed, there was no Great Uncle Charles. Suddenly, Straight Outta Compton appears and saves the day. Hooray! And he takes Amanda and Josh to their parents, they are reunited, and everything's lovely once again. Wonderful.
Conclusion
Oh my God, this book is so -
OK, I'm obviously kidding. They get back to the cemetery, and, shock of all shocks, Compton's dead too. This would be shocking if anyone cared about this guy. Compton exposits that the town used to be perfectly normal until it was bitten by a radioactive plastic factory accident that made everyone undead and stuff, and this somehow made them need new blood a grand total of once a year. Josh tries to gruesomely melt Compton, but the torch is broken. Because why wouldn't it be.
Amanda and Josh dash off after whacking Compton with the torch, which somehow makes a hole in his flesh, and stealth over to an ampitheatre of sorts, where nondescript Mum and nondescript Dad are tied up and haven't been eaten yet because tension or something. They notice a large tree that is blocking out the sun... because that's how solar radiation works... and concoct a cunning plan: they're gonna push the relatively huge tree over by themselves. AND IT WORKS. BECAUSE SCIENCE, I GUESS. Everyone in Dark Falls proceeds to melt in gruesome detail and their bodies fall all over the place and I'm still not phased. I can't tell if it's because I'm bored or just tired.
So, everything's lovely once again. Wonderful. Amanda, Josh, and their nondescript parents move out of Dark Falls, but of course there's still the twist. Compton is showing another family the Dead House. And Amanda doesn't stop to try and help and instead condemns an innocent family who've done nothing wrong to a gruesome fate. Our hero, everyone!
Any Questions?
Why is there only one undead adult in Dark Falls? Did everyone's parents die in a gruesomely detailed manner already?
What are the Dark Falls residents anyway? Are they zombies, vampires - what?
Conclusion
Oh my God, this book is so boring. Nothing is properly developed before any of the payoffs occur, none of the characters are memorable, nothing is a legitimate twist - there's just nothing. I suppose it made sense to start with this one - there was nowhere to go but up. Or at least, supposed to be.
Next time: Remember Stay Out of the Attic from Screams in the Night? No? I don't care. Imagine that, but not terrible.
Comments
Post a Comment
Please don't be offensive down there. That is all. Good day.