Lu-Ann Franklin usually loves Halloween. Not this year. Her best friend, Devin O'Bannon, is going away for the week. And she has to go to a boring party where nothing exciting could ever happen. But when Lu-Ann comes face-to-face with The Haunted™ Mask, major trouble lies ahead.
Devin O'Bannon didn't want to leave his best friend Lu-Ann Franklin behind on Halloween. He didn't ask to go on this trip. And that was before he heard the strange scratching on his windows and saw the shadows moving around in the fields. Something is out there and it doesn't seem to want Devin around!
Plot
PART 1 - Quality Children's Entertainment
We open our Halloween adventure in a costume store in the mid-20th century run by a kindly man named William. He's currently serving some customers, in a nice moment in which he sells a little girl a princess mask. (Why do princesses need masks?) Later, it's time to close up, when his dog, Hansel, begins to growl at the fog outside. However, there's nobody around to be seen. He then begins work on the gorilla masks. You know, the ones that Carly Beth should've bought in the first book but didn't for whatever reason?
William hears someone pounding on the door, and opens it to let them in. It's his younger brother, Randolph. It's implied well that they last saw each other was on bad terms, and Hansel can tell something's up, growling at Randolph. William figures that Randolph's come for money.
"Randolph, what brings you here?"Actually, Randolph's come to offer his assistance to William's business. He carries with him a case, from which he produces a hideous mask that sends Hansel fleeing from the room (No, it's not a Brexit mask). Then another. Then a few more. Randolph explains that he's short on cash, so has come to sell these masks to William. William's all "Err... no. I sell princess masks and fantastic gorilla masks for the kiddies, you buffoon." Except Randolph reveals that these aren't masks at all - they're faces. William picks one up... and feels skin. If William had any chance of buying these masks, then he just bet all his chips on the magenta section of the roulette wheel.
"Cold out there."
"Yes. Did you come to bring me a weather report?"
William yells at Randolph to get out, but when he tries to cram the ugliest face... mask... whatever... back into the case, he finds that he can't remove it from his hand. Should've closed that superglue tube when Randolph nipped over. Randolph explains that this particular mask is Haunted™ with powerful magic. And then the other masks rise up and surround William. Randolph, who's probably mad, rants about how he's always been second fiddle to William... and jams the mask down over William's head. You thought you could escape having Halloween being shoved down your throat with no internet? Think again!
Quickly, William feels the mask contracting around him, and goes to take it off... but the line between the mask and his neck has gone. He feels a mysterious rage, and his voice is raspy and distorted. He cries out for Randolph to get the mask off, but he seems to have bolted. In a rage, William begins to trash the place, until Hansel returns. Regaining some humanity and wishing for Hansel to recognise him, William musters an inhuman amount of strength. He grabs the mask, and rips it off... along with his face.
Wes Craven, eat your heart out!
PART 2 - Would You Like a Jelly Baby?
We jump ahead to the present day, with our protagonist, Lu-Ann Franklin, complaining about going to the school's resident Jessie from Saved by the Bell, Polly Martin's, Halloween party. Her best mate, Devin O'Bannon, personally wishes he could go -instead, he's being kicked off to a pumpkin farm to work with his parents. Yeah, his parents opened a pumpkin farm the week before Halloween, by which point everyone will have already bought their pumpkins. Even Devin points out how dumb this is.
Lu-Ann has to nip and tell her younger brother, Mitch, a bedtime story. She regales him with the story of Evil Boris - can I have a quick "nope" break? OK. Thanks.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope. Nope. Nope to the 17th power.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Evil Boris is a giant who delights in eating people. For whatever reason, he enjoys eating the heads last, despite the fact that anyone who's ever eaten a jelly baby will tell you that you eat the head first. Also, he somehow lives in Mitch's closet. Yeah. The giant who can't eat jelly babies properly lives in Mitch's itty-bitty closet. Anyway, to prove how silly this is, Mitch opens his closet... to find a hideous, screaming old man in there. Which is actually just Lu-Ann's friend Brad in a mask. Yep, the spitting image of Evil Boris right there.
So, Lu-Ann's mate Marcus (did she accidentally invite everyone round on the same night and didn't notice until Devin showed up?) comes round, dressed in a gorilla costume. YES! WE GOT SOMEONE IN A GORILLA OUTFIT! PRAISE THE HALLOWEEN DEITIES!
Halloween arrives... is what I was about to write until I realised that this scene was a pointless dream sequence. So I'm skipping it.
Halloween actually arrives this time. Lu-Ann goes to Polly's house dressed as a vampire, and pays the admission fee. (*pause*) I think I need another nope break.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. Nopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenopenope. NOPE.
Alright, I'm done. We haven't been able to complain about American Halloween costumes up until now, but luckily Polly is dressed as a princess. Of course. In the book where we finally get the use of the gorilla costume, we also resurrect the princess costume from Attack of the Jack O' Lanterns.
Anyway, as Polly introduces everyone to the first game of the night (rubbing a balloon on your hair and sticking it to a wall), Lu-Ann, Brad, and Marcus, still in his glorious gorilla garb, sneak up to the attic. There, they find a chest full of old, moth-eaten costumes. Wait, Polly lives in the mask shop? Was the 1972 high street converted into suburbs or something? Anyway, they start digging around in the chest, finding various costumes to try on, Lu-Ann comes across the Haunted™ mask. Dammit, William, you had one job!
Speaking of whom, after a fake-out with Polly's dog, William's faceless corpse bursts out of the closet. He has somehow decayed a lot in 40 years. Also, had nobody found him? Anyhoozle, he weakly begs them not to put on the mask, but they stuff him back in the closet, and Lu-Ann puts on the Haunted™ mask. After an inexplicable, disgusting spectre told her specifically not to. What could go wrong?
Lu-Ann, Brad and Marcus come downstairs in their costumes, and act as if they're ghosts who've been in the attic for 100 years, though Polly at first believes that their some people who've pulled the ol' Goosebumps standby and broken into their house. However, when Lu-Ann goes to remove the Haunted™ mask, there's no neckline. This was a lot more shocking the last 2 times they did this. Then she starts smashing stuff. Isn't the point of a sequel to explore new avenues and places you can go with a concept?
Lu-Ann runs across the street to Marcus' dad's shop, which is conveniently over the road or something, and figures that Marcus' dad (who shall henceforth be known as Robin-Keeper, after Bat-Shopkeeper from the original) will know something about it. Going out on a limb a bit there, aren't you? Luckily, he does, and this time, instead of being removed by a symbol of love, it can only be removed with an act of kindness. Time for Nope Break III: Rise of the Machines!
Nope. Nope. Noepenopenopenopenopenopenope. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope. Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
So, Lu-Ann tries and fails to help a little girl and someone with a broken SUV. She fails miserably due to the machinations of the Haunted™ mask. Is this a reboot of the Haunted Mask or Son of Slappy? So, Lu-Ann returns to Polly's house to help clean up, which is less an at of kindness and more just common courtesy. Then she starts smashing things, and runs to the attic, with Polly in pursuit. Suddenly, Lu-Ann gets a cunning plan, but only in the sense that Baldrick would come up with it: scare away the ghost. Or, y'know, just give something nice to Mitch for once. Nevermind, too late to consider that now: William comes out of the closet (oh, good for him) and grabs Polly, for some reason. Lu-Ann tackles him, knocking his leg off, which is enough to knock him out. William should've gone to the gym more while he wasn't dead.
As the police start driving down the street, because they're after Lu-Ann suddenly, Lu-Ann finds out that the mask hasn't come off. How stubborn is this mask? Do you have to stop an asteroid to qualify for removing it? Anyway, Lu-Ann tears off down the street, running aimlessly.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Yeah, seriously. It grinds to a halt right there. I'm annoyed too; how am I supposed to have anyone clamouring for more after that?
Next Time: Will Lu-Ann remove the Haunted™ mask? Will Devin's dad manage to sell any pumpkins? Will Devin do anything related to Lu-Ann? Will there be any more gorilla suits? Speaking of which, do you actually care about gorillas?
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