Goosebumps Most Wanted #9: Here Comes the Shaggedy

Blurb

Kelli and Shawn Anderson are not excited about having to move to another state - especially because their new home is directly next to a giant swamp. But their dad is a scientist and he's going down there to study the local flora and fauna. Unfortunately for Kelli and Shawn, there seem to be some very strange creatures that live around their house. They keep hearing about the legend of the Shaggedy, an ancient beast that lives far below the surface of the swamp and can cause a whole lot of damage. Can Kelli and Shawn convince their dad to move back home before it is too late?

Plot
We continue PowerWolf's tour of the Florida swamps (see last week) with more characters moving to a swamp - Kelli and Shawn Anderson, along with their father. Luckily, they aren't moving there to look at swamp deer; no, Dad's just going there to study the plant life of the region. Because he couldn't just leave his kids with someone for a bit while he went off with his team and brought the results back to where-ever he works.

On the first day of school in Florida, Kelli and Shawn see a gaggle of students and cops in the field. Man, even the police want to check out playground fights. Actually, they're surrounding an enourmous footprint. One boy, Zeke, tells the 2 that it belongs to the Shaggedy. Zoinks! Apparently, the Shaggedy lives underwater in the swamp, and does evil stuff, I guess. One of the teachers, Miss Rawls, shows up and calls out Zeke on his BS, though later he tells Shawn and Kelli that he and his bro, Decker, had seen the Shaggedy once.

At school, all the year groups are taught in one room, because this is Victorian Britain or something. Then again, the workhouse sounds more appealing than reading this. At lunch, Zeke is astonished by the invention of a phone, because Florida is actually in a clearing in the Amazon rainforest where people have been cut off from civilisation and have never encountered anyone from the outside world. Then Decker eats a worm. Ah, a clever inversion on Chuck and Steve's worm-in-the-sandwich prank from the Haunted Mask.

Later, back at home, Kelli and Shawn talk to Dad about how terrible Florida is, despite the fact that they've only been there a day. Dad just brushes it off, and says that living in the swamp is an unique opportunity, though he doesn't say what for. He decides to take the kids fishing, but when Kelli goes to get changed, she discovers that someone has written "HERE COMES THE SHAGGEDY" on her backpack, and she just didn't notice until this point.

The next day, Miss Rawls is teaching some of the year 9s and all 8 year 7s art, because there are 3 teachers in the entire school. (No, really) Zeke and Decker tell the story of how the Shaggedy once casually strolled up their road, pounded on their neighbour's door (at least he didn't just barge in, unlike half the protagonists in Goosebumps), chucked a bin into the tress, and then just left. Maybe he came to buy eggs and completely forgot all about it. At the end of the lesson, Shawn discovers that his bag is covered in water, and there's a note in his locker saying "The Shaggedy wants you next, Shawn." This is in spite of the fact that the Shaggedy would've knocked and asked Shawn if he could enter.

Later, on the way home, Kelli and Shawn are caught in a storm and lost, which is a bit of a disaster cocktail and the reactants for the process of danger. They shelter in a cabin, but it's full of snake skulls. Suddenly, the cabin's owner emerges. His name is Ranger Saul, but I prefer to call him Death-Metal Tramp, since aesthetic-wise, he's very similar to Rockstar Hobo from The Werewolf of Fever Swamp. Anyway, Death-Metal Tramp explains that he used to be a hunter, which is why there's a bunch of snake skulls on his wall. I mean, who needs posters when you've got snake skulls, right guys?

Naturally, Kelli and Shawn are getting freaked out by Death-Metal Tramp, so they race off. DMT follows, in a scene totally not lifted from the Rockstar Hobo chase in the Werewolf of Fever Swamp (I'm referencing that a lot today)... so that he can give them directions home.

At tea time, Kelli and Shawn tell Dad about their experiences with the note in Shawn's locker and Death-Metal Tramp, so Dad suggests that, like a good role model, they play a trick on Zeke and Decker to get back at them.

"I'm sure we could think of something that's actually funny."

What kind of 12 year olds are these? (Yes, this scene was included solely so I could make that joke. I regret nothing.)

That night, Shawn is awoken by someone whispering his name. He finds Kelli in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water, but it wasn't her. So, she goes out to investigate, and outside is Death-Metal Tramp. Why's he there? Nobody knows! Probably off to the secret PowerWolf concert in the swamp. Anyway, for whatever reason, Kelli asks Death-Metal Tramp about the Shaggedy, which he claims is real. Yeah, no it isn't. There's apparently a ritual to summon the Shaggedy, which involves getting 50 drops of an animal's blood onto a piece of paper, and yelling "Here comes the Shaggedy" 10 times. Then the Shaggedy will just show up and do whatever you say. That's dumb.

The next day, Kelli and Shawn go out to get milk, when they discover an enormous footprint outside Shawn's window. Somehow, this is enough to prove that the Shaggedy is real. This is inspite of the fact you could probably make that sort of thing with a couple of spades. Like a good parent, Dad's response is to tell his kids to bunk off school, and take them on a boat ride through the swamp that potentially houses the swamp monster which Shawn is convinced is real and terrifying. 

When they get back, Kelli goes up to her room, which is even messier than a teenager's bedroom normally is. Also, some idiot's written "I'm coming for you both!" on the wall, as swamp monsters normally do. Dad realises that this is breaking and entering and is a serious crime.

You've got to be ****ing me.

Someone calling breaking and entering a serious crime in Goosebumps? The universe is collapsing - we're doomed! Dad marches up to school to have a word with Zeke and Decker, instead of calling the cops, but Kelli stops him and reveals that she's been the one doing all this to make Dad take her and Shawn back home. So, basically, half the book so far has been:

Later, 67% of the teachers take the entire school down to the river... as you do... and Zeke and Decker take the opportunity to shout at Kelli and Shawn over something their Dad did. They calm down pretty quickly, however, and decide to show them "Monster Hole," where they saw the Shaggedy for the second time. Then they shove Kelli and Shawn into the hole. OK, they could've been seriously injured in that fall, meaning that, you guessed it:

Mrs Rawls shows up, and Decker and Zeke tell her that Kelli and Shawn were wrestling... as you do... and fell into the hole.

The next day, Kelli comes up with a cunning plan to teach Zeke and Decker a lesson, though it's only a cunning plan in the sense that Baldrick would come up with it. She's going to summon the Shaggedy and, I don't know, ask it to casually knock on Zeke and Decker's door or something. Even Kelli's not sure what to do with it.

So, Kelli, and Shawn, for some reason, trot off down to "Monster Hole, where they drip 50 drops of blood onto some black paper from a convenient dead bird in their garden. Then, miraculously, Kelli chants "Here comes the Shaggedy" 10 times without realising "This is stupid, I'm going home." An enormous blue monster emerges from the hole, and Kelli tries to command it, but to no avail. That being said, she sounds pretty annoying whilst doing it.

"I call for you, Shaggedy! And now you must do what I tell you!"

While chasing after the Shaggedy, Kelli and Shawn bump into Death-Metal Tramp (oh yeah, he's in this story). Death-Metal Tramp tells them domething that anyone who looked at the cover should've figured out: the blue monster isn't the Shaggedy.  How? Kelli only put 48 drops on the paper. Apparently, there loads of different monsters at the bottom of "Monster's Hole." Boy, the shower rota must be a nightmare down there.

So, Death-Metal Tramp, Kelli, and Shawn row out to "Monster's Hole" to drop snake powder in it, which will apparently kill the beast. Kelly drops it, however, and the blue monster grabs Shawn and casually strolls off with him. So, Kelli and Death-Metal Tramp decide to summon the Shaggedy, because that went so well the first time. As the ritual is completed, Zeke and Decker run over to them, and do that fusion thing from Dragonball Z. Yes, they're the Shaggedy.

Kelli sends the Shaggedy after the blue monster, and it gets in a fight with it. Which it loses after a page and a half. Bear in mind that this is the penultimate chapter. Then the Shaggedy gets back up and takes out the blue monster, saving Shawn. As Dad teleports behind Kelli and Shawn and hugs them, Death-Metal Tramp reveals that he's not a tramp at all - he's federal agent! Death-Metal Fed says that he needs to take Shawn and Decker to do research on them, they pick him up and casually fling him away. Dad says that maybe they'll move back now, but for whatever reason, Kelli is totally cool with living in the swamp now. And that's it.

Any Questions?
So, how does the Shaggedy's consciousness work? Does it duplicate itself? Does the Shaggedy have 2 brains? It's not like this was necessary; you could've cut Zeke or Decker out and nothing would've changed storywise.
 
Conclusion
Here Comes the Shaggedy is plain boring. The first 2 thirds are all but superfluous, and the Shaggedy is barely present. The blue monster is uninteresting, and there's no characters worth coming back for. (I mean, I barely even put much effort into "Death-Metal Tramp") Overall, not worth anyone's time.



Next Time: Lizards, Instagram folders, and a twist that manages to finally be stupid enough to just be face-palm worthy, not funny.