Goosebumps #24: My Hariest Adventure

Blurb
Larry Boyd just found the coolest thing in the trash. It's an old bottle of INSTA-TAN. "Rub on a dark suntan in minutes"-- that's what the label says. So Larry and his friends do. But nothing much happens.
Until Larry notices the hair. Dark, spiky hair growing on his hands and face. Really gross shiny hair.
Hair that jeeps growing back even after he shaves it off....

Plot
We open with our protagonist, Larry Boyd, being chased by dogs, despite the fact that the best option when confronted with dogs is to stand still and not move. He acts like despite the fact that everyone at school thinks he's nice, the dogs keep chasing Larry around. Come on, Larry, it's not as if the kids at school are dogs or anything! That'd be stupid! (*nervous laughter*) Luckily, Larry's best mate, Lily, shows up to save the day with a snow shovel, which somehow works.

So, Larry and Lily go up to meet up with the rest of their rock band, The Geeks. Since they're entering the battle of the bands contest, and their opponents are called "Howie and the Shouters," I want to give them a fighting chance. However, since they're as metal as all of the noble gases put together, we need to give them a makeover if we want them to win. Yep, PowerWolf are back!

• LarryMatthew Greywolf (Yes, that's his name)- Lead guitar. Has long hair. Nicknamed "Hairy Larry," which is - you can probably guess the rest.
• LilyFalk Maria Schlegel - Lead singer of The GeeksPowerWolf. Has a gold coin on her neck that's most likely fake.
• MannyCharles Greywolf. Rhythm guitar 1. Unlike his real name suggests, he is not the mammoth from Ice Age. That's it, really.
• KristinaAttila Dorn - Rhythm Guitar 2. Fat. Eats a lot. Presumably posts on Tumblr telling people how perfectly natural obesity is.
• JaredRoel Van Helden - Keyboard. Uses keyboard to play sax solos. That's it, really.

I mean, who needs a rhythm section, right guys? Anyway, after PowerWolf butcher an un-named Rolling Stones song, and play a bunch more unnamed rock songs (however, modern mainstream rock is just grunge, so that's not much to look forward to anyway), they call the rehearsal over, and go outside to play in the snow. Matthew Greywolf finds a bottle of instant tan creatively called INSTA-TAN, and, despite the fact it's more expired than a Sainsbury's fruit pot and would totally screw up their make-up, PowerWolf decide to try it on. Long story short, it doesn't work, and Charles Greywolf pretends to peel off the skin of his face, but it's actually wet loo roll. Given PowerWolf, I wouldn't be surprised if it actually was his skin.

The tanning lotion doesn't work. Shock of all shocks. In response, the gang go and play in the snow. However, Matthew Greywolf quickly overheats and collapses. Yeah, he has dreadful sweat glands. So, he gets dropped off at the clinic of Dr Murkin. Anyone who knows what merkin is will realise very quickly that that's a dumb name, so, keeping the Rock 'n' Roll Train by AC/DC going, he shall henceforth be known as "Dr Feelgood." Dr Feelgood gives Matthew Greywolf his bi-monthly shot that he has to have for incredibly stupid reasons which you will never guess in a million years.

Later, as Matthew Greywolf is brushing his teeth, he notices a patch of thick black hair on his hand, so he quickly shaves it off. Welcome to the main action, ladies and gentlemen.

The next day, Matthew Greywolf asks Falk Maria Shegel if there was any hair growing on her. She calmly responds by telling him that she's a werewolf. Which Matthew Greywolf actually buys. You know, I think everyone who's against metal may be onto something here.

Later, HowieJames Hetfield, lead singer of Howie and the ShoutersMetallica, does a book report on a book about baseball. When Matthew Greywolf goes up to do his report, he notices hair growing on the backs of his hands. So, he runs off, not bothering to explain, but not before getting an idea of how lame everyone's sense of humour is:

"Look! [Matthew Greywolf] is blushing!" someone Ronnie James Dio yelled from the back row. The room Doors exploded with more laughter.

Matthew Greywolf grabs some gloves from his locker, and casually comes back in as if nothing just happens and it's perfectly normal to wear gloves in doors in the middle of English Lit.

The next day, Matthew Greywolf gets chased by a pack of dogs again, but he's saved by Falk Maria Schegel again. Oh, and Roel Van Schelden. Then we get a pointless basketball scene, when we discover that Christopher Greywolf's missing. Attila Dorn says that no-one's seen him that day, and his house is empty. Boy, if he's growing hair too, then he's gone to some serious lengths to avoid telling anyone about it.

After 4 pointless chapters in which nothing happens, Falk Maria Schegel doesn't turn up to school. After school, Matthew Greywolf comes across a dog with a gold collar around its neck. Except it's not a collar at all - it's Falk Maria Schegel's gold pirate coin. Matthew Greywolf comes to the logical conclusion that the dog is Falk Maria Schegel. I'm gonna leave you to figure out if it actually is her.

Matthew Greywolf dashes to FMS's house, where her mum Nikki McBurrain, drummer from the Iron Maidens, simply and melodramatically tells Matthew Greywolf that Falk Maria Schegel doesn't exist. Then who's been singing this whole time? Was it a ghoooooost? (Yes, I'm kidding)

Matthew Greywolf goes to tell Attila Dorn and Roel Van Schelden that Falk Maria Schegel's gone. They can't do the battle of the bands. However, in an admittedly inspiring moment, Attila Dorn gets up and says that she'll do the vocals, and they'll knock Metallica out of existence. Roel Van Schelden questions how they'll do it with 2 guitars and a keyboard, despite the fact that they were pretty confident that they'd do it with 3 guitars and a keyboard. Nevertheless, they proclaim that they'll do it for Falk Maria Schegel.

The battle of the bands. Oddly, Metallica perform a rendition of Johnny B. Goode. This is like that grunge rendition of "Summer Lovin'" I once heard a band at a festival perform. In response, PowerWolf do a rendition of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." Oh my God, I've made this book even stupider. What have I done? However, Matthew Greywolf suddenly sprouts hair all over his face. So did the Beatles, you're not special! (Huh, that's fitting) And this is classified as special effects, despite the fact that they wouldn't really add anything to "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." Regardless, this makes them win the day. People'll listen to any old rubbish if the video's nice nowadays.

Matthew Greywolf dashes home at the Speed of Light by Iron Maiden, where he shows his parents what's happened to him. And now, it's time for the big twist! I can't really do it justice myself, so, take it away DadOzzy Osbourne!

"[Matthew Greywolf], you have to know the truth now. You're growing all that hair because you're not human."

Drum roll, please.

"You're a dog."

Basically, every adult in town works for Dr Feelgood. Apparently, he was turning dogs into humans. For some reason. I really hope I'm correct when I say that

So now, Matthew Greywolf and Falk Maria Schegel run around the town, eating flowers and chasing someone else who's been turned into a human around town. (I don't know, Joakim Brodken from Sabaton?) Also, it's implied that Dr Feelgood is now turning cats into people instead. Oh my God, Tumblr are taking using cats as a substitute for human company to the next level!


Any Questions?
So, if Dr Feelgood was doing all these tests on animals, what was he trying to accomplish? What would we learn, or gain? With overpopulation being a huge problem in today's world, would we really want more people running around?

Conclusion
My Hariest Adventure is mainly lame, but the ending is fantasticly stupid. There's a surprising lack of adventure, but an unsurprising abundance of hair. The Battle of the Bands is lame, PowerWolf are boring characters, and the hair growth scenes are just outright lame. That being said, the ending just needs to be checked out. So, give it a read.

Next Time: To celebrate the release of Haunted Halloween, we're taking a look at the first movie, from 2015!