Evan can't stand babysittng for his cousin Kermit. (OK, guys, what's his real name?) All Kermit (No, seriously, guys. What's his name?) likes to do is play mean tricks on Evan and his friend Andy.
But Evan and Andy know just the thing to teach Kermit (I really hope that's just a nickname) a lesson. OK, they swore they'd never open another can of Monster Blood. Not after what happened last time. But it can't get out of control if they only use a tiny bit (of the stuff that is constantly expanding? Sure, why not?)... can it?
Previously on Monster Blood...
Evan Ross had to stay with his Aunt Kathryn while his parents went house-hunting in Atlanta. There, he met a friend, Andy, and 2 jerks, the Beymer Twins.
In Monster Blood II - Far From Home, Evan was in Atlanta, settling in, getting picked on by Conan Barber, that sort of thing. Except Andy was dumped in Atlanta for a year because of course she was. They found the can of Monster Blood and Andy fed some to the class hamster, Cuddles, as a prank on the science teacher. As one would guess, it didn't end well, but thankfully everything was resolved when the Monster Blood expired so that your parenst could buy it from Sainsbury's to save money. Then Andy's parents sent over another can of Monster Blood. Which Cuddles started to eat. And Cuddles was never heard from anyone ever again.
Plot
We open with Evan being attacked by Monster Blood. And, of course, he wakes up after it swallows him. Yep, that's basically chapter 1 of every Monster Blood sequel.
Anyway, after Evan complain about green fruit roll-ups because he doesn't know that they are perfect for making into tiny Yoda finger puppets, he sets off for Aunt Dee's house to babysit his cousin, Kermit. No, really. That's his name. Was Jim Henson the best man at Aunt Dee's wedding or something? Anyway, Conan Barber, who, coincidentally, is Kermit's neighbour, suddenly threatens to start beating up Evan because he was apparently looking at his yard. Suddenly, Kermit shows up, proclaiming that America is a free country (free not to include tax in the price tag, maybe), so Evan can look at anyone's yard, which does not exactly pacify Conan. Kermit's plan B to stop Evan getting beaten up is to pull out his "invisibility mixture" (catchy title) and threaten to use it on Conan. Why would becoming invisible be a bad thing? Who knows; who cares? Kermit, being Atlanta's champion moron, pours the mixture onto Conan's shirt. Great, now we'll be able to see his 6-pack. Truly the world's most dangerous punishment. Well, we do get to see his 6-pack - his shirt shrinks and therefore tears off. And then Conan beats up Evan so bad his nose gets broken and he can hardly eat properly. That's assault, and, all together now -
Kermit then mixes up a cure for Dogface's hiccups which I forgot to mention. Really? A cure for hiccups? You've invented the Pym Particle, and all you care about finding out is how to cure a dog's hiccups, not what you put in the Pym Particle formula? Anyway, the mixture does cure Dogface's hiccups... but it also gives him the mind of a puppy. Did RL Stine create a metaphor for Tumblr 12 years before the latter's release? When Aunt Dee (do any of Evan's aunts ever actually do anything?) shows up, Kermit pins the whole thing on Evan. And, despite the lack of any evidence (and thereby violating article 11 of the charter of human rights), Aunt D believes Kermit, and makes Evan and Andy, the latter of whom didn't do anything in Kermit's version of events, clean up the mess.
As they walk home, Evan and Andy decide that they should use some of Andy's tin of Monster Blood to prank Kermit. Because, you know, the last Monster Blood related prank went so well! In fact, the very next line is Evan calling Andy saying "Let's not use the Monster Blood. It's a bad idea, especially considering what happened last time. So keep it in the tin, OK?" Andy says "OK! Don't worry about it!" and I'm sure we'll never hear from the Monster Blood again!
The next day, Evan and Andy finally convince Kermit to get out of his lab and play frisbee, though first Kermit gets them some orange pop. However, it quickly becomes apparent that it's not orange soda at all; it's some sort of concoction that causes Evan and Andy to start laughing hysterically. When asked how long this is going to last, Kermit ominously responds with "forever." And then lightning crashes, a thunderstorm commences, and Kermit starts laughing maniacally like Skeletor. Well, OK, no he doesn't. But, suddenly, Conan shows up, and Kermit says that they're laughing at him. So he beats the life essence out of Evan, and simply chucks Andy up a tree. Am I gonna have to punctuate every scene Conan's in with
"It wasn't supposed to explode. Just get big."Is he trying to use the Pym particles to make stuff grow now? Anyway, Evan starts to feel the effects of the Monster Blood, and starts swelling like [*This inappropriate joke was redacted by Dadmin*]. He escapes the garage, his clothes growing because the Monster Blood splashed on them. I'll save how that makes no sense for later.
Evan, who's still growing (I'm assuming it's happening this quickly due to the added ingredients in Kermit's mixture), notices Conan, threatening to hit kids with a baseball bat.
Evan then decides, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't be acting like the Punisher up in here!" and rescues a kite from a nearby tree. And thus, the kite-eating tree from Peanuts suffers its first defeat. It takes about 10 seconds for the kite's owners to get used to the 50-foot tall 12 year old. As does a baseball team of kids from Evan's school, who then ask Evan to play. Evan misses the first 2, which should really count as balls, yet somehow count as strikes. Then he hits the ball, snapping the bat in 2 and sending the ball flying to New Zealand. As Evan reaches 3rd bases in the span of about 10 seconds, a ton of cops and firefighters appear, with Conan telling them that Evan's really dangerous. Someone asks Evan if he's an alien or something, which doesn't really make sense, since the only abnormal thing about him is his height. He could be a mutant, for all we know!
Evan runs off, after his personal space bubble starts getting punctured by half the population of America, it would appear. Eventually, Kermit and Andy (oh yeah, they're in this story) catch up to Evan, when suddenly he gets an idea - Kermit could cook up a new batch of Pym Particles and use them to shrink Evan back to normal size. Kermit's first batch simply causes Evan to turn blue, dabadee dabadie, and start hiccuping. Pym Particle batch number 2 causes Evan to grow feathers. Oh, no, we're back to Chicken Chicken again! The third and final batch of Pym Particles finally causes Evan to shrink back to normal, just as the cops show up. They act suspiciously casual when questioned about the 60-foot 12 year old, but the cops in Atlanta are morons, so they're OK. And everything's lovely once again. Well, aside from the fact that Conan's still on the rampage.
That night, Evan wakes up to discover that he should've been wearing his regulator, because he's still shrinking. We don't see him enter the quantum realm, but Trigger walks into his room and picks him up. The end. There's one more book left, so I can assume that Evan just magically grew back to normal.
Extra Toppings
On the incredibly off chance that you cared, Kermit completely screwed up Andy's homework. He just wrote down a bunch of random answers.
Any Questions?
So, how did the Monster Blood just touching Evan's clothes make them bigger? It takes being ingested to cause growth, doesn't it? Shouldn't everything the Monster Blood touches - the tin, Kermit's garage, that bathtub they once dumped it in- have grown too, if that's the case?
Wait, didn't the original Monster Blood grow and start eating stuff only because Sarabeth put a spell on it? How does the new tin of the stuff have the same properties as the old one?
Conclusion
Monster Blood III is by no means the worst Monster Blood book (Monster Blood for Breakfast, and all), but it's putting up a fight, I'll give it that. The plot is boring, the characters are bland, Conan is a jerk, but lacks the ability to be lovingly hated that the Beymer twins possessed, and Kermit deserves to be set on fire. And then thrown into an erupting volcano. Overall, if you're looking for a decent Monster Blood book, just read the 1st one.
Next Time: Werewolves, swamp deer, and a very odd dog. And, wouldn't you know it, there's a new house too! Only took me over a year to get to that pairing!
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