Goosebumps #59: The Haunted School

Blurb

Tommy Frazer's dad just got married. Now Tommy's got a new mom. And he's going to a new school-- Bell Valley Middle School.

Tommy doesn't hate school. But it's hard making friends. And his new school is so big, it's easy to get lost. Which is exactly what happens.
Tommy gets lost-- lost in a maze of empty classrooms. And that's when he hears the voices. Kids' voices crying for help. Voices coming from behind the classroom walls...

Plot

Our protagonist, Tommy Frazer, moves into a new neighbourhood after his father re-married. At his new school, the dance is coming up (people older than year 7s get dances in America?), so he joins the decorations committee… because students can’t even give consent for anything, so of course they can run the dance… to make friends. Luckily, he fulfils the “3 friends or less quota” set by all Goosebumps stories, meeting Ben Jackson, and Thalia Harpert-Roberts. Thalia wears more make-up than 20 seasons worth of Love Island contestants. You may will think “Why the hell do we care about that?”, but the reasons for it are actually sort of brilliant later down the line.

At one point, Tommy sets off to get some paint. On the way, he meets a girl called Greta, who has eerie grey eyes, and is mainly here for a fake-out. However, because he has the sense of direction of a smashed compass in a room full of magnets, Tommy gets lost on the way back to the gym and ends up in an abandoned wing of the school. Opening one door, he discovers a room full of fellow-12 year olds. Mercifully, they’re not vaping, wearing their coats in non-coat-appropriate weather, harassing me for my Instagram username, and re-using the same 5 jokes over and over; rather, they’re just sat in place. Actually, they’re not real 12 year olds at all; just statues. Tommy strokes the hair of one of the statues… as you do… and it comes off. Suddenly, the head (who I guess was taking an afternoon stroll through the abandoned school wing) bursts in before Tommy can (*this joke was omitted by theoretical strict orders of my parents*) and starts expositing. In 1947, a class disappeared during school picture, so, for no particular reason, they closed off the old school and built a new one around it. Wow, that must’ve been one hell of a music budget. An artist did sculptures of the students… for some reason… and put them in an abandoned school. Like always in the art world, pretentiousness before common sense.

Back in the gym, Ben and Thalia are pretending to sleep. They performed this unrealistically creative prank on Tommy because he was taking a long time to get back. Too lame to be funny to me; not dumb enough to be funny to my fellow students. Tommy then informs her about his encounter with Greta, and she warns her to stay away from her. Well, that’s charming. Tommy also tells her about some voices he heard in the art room that I couldn’t find a good time to mention, and Thalia responds the natural way, by running out of the room. They’ll come up with any excuse to get out of work, won’t they?

After a scene in which Greta almost steals Thalia’s lipstick (bang goes her character), the dance arrives. Despite being the band’s drummer, Greta grabs a guitar and starts having a lightsaber duel of sorts with one of the band’s guitarists. Eventually, one of the 2 banners gets ripped by Darth Greta’s re-enactment of the order 66 younglings scene. Tommy and Ben run off to the art department to get some tape, but, because they have the sense of direction of a torn-up map designed by Daredevil, they wind up in the abandoned wing. Should we just put a sign over the entrances to the abandoned wing saying “NOT THE ART DEPARTMENT”?

Worrying that they’ll be late back to the dance (I mean, we can’t miss them running out of the room screaming when Mamma Mia comes on), Tommy and Ben duck into a lift, which I guess they had in 1947 (just how big was that music budget?), only to find that none of the buttons work, except the big red button which Tommy presses after 4 pages. Suddenly, the lift starts moving… sideways. About time we got a big-screen adaptation of Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator!

Eventually, the lift stops, and Tommy and Ben come out in a pitch black room. Ah, they have entered the brains of every character in Infinity War. They follow the wall, hoping to find a door, when someone turns on the lights, revealing a black and white girl dressed in old clothes. So, an Amish goth of sorts. 4 more black and white children pop out, and start swarming Ben and Tommy for a bit, having lost the experience of colour for so long. After they pull themselves together, they reveal that they are some of the missing kids from the class of 1947. On picture day, nobody would stop goofing around. I can see not much has changed in the past 81 years. The photographer, Mr Chameleon (dear lord) hated kids with a burning passion. He must’ve taught my English class for a few weeks. When it was finally time to take the picture, Mr C used a special flash bulb that catapulted the 25 students into another dimension, known as Greyworld. (Yeah, that’s what I was referencing in Panic Park) Overreaction, much?

The black and white kids reason that the lift took Tommy and Ben to Greyworld (REALLY?), but they have no idea how to get out. And the lift’s jammed, too, so that won’t work. Suddenly, Tommy and Ben look down at their hands and realise that their colour is slowly fading. “It’s OK,” say the 5 year olds. “The people in the olden days coped with that!”

In the proper response to losing one’s skin colour, Tommy and Ben dive out of the window like an Olympic diver. Luckily, they’re on the ground floor, so they’re fine. The kids inside warn them to stay away from the other kids and ‘the pit.’ After all, we all know that the pit BURRRNS!! They stroll round the Greyworld version of the time. Eventually, they decide that they should head back to the school, but, they’re once again lost because they have the sense of direction of Apple Maps.

Suddenly, 19 kids emerge from a fog that starts surrounding Tommy and Ben. Wait a minute; 5+19 is only 24. This raises the question; where’s kid #25? They quickly discover that the kids have gone disturbingly insane from the absence of colour and constant immortality these past 50 years (It’s set in ‘97). They begin to take Tommy and Ben to the pit. Dammit, guys. You had 2 jobs, and you failed both of them. The grey kids command them to jump into the pit to become like them when they get there, nnfbut Tommy’s not too hot on the idea of losing all colour, jumping into a pit of tar, and becoming some sort of psychopath.  

At the bottom of the hill, they stop for a rest. Some kids bring over some buckets of black liquid, and pass around cups of the stuff. In a genuinely disturbing sequence, the kids pour the black liquid over themselves, spit it at each other, etc, in a… well… I’m not entirely sure how to describe this in a clean, good-natured fashion that won’t annoy my parents. (Lots of key themes today)

Finally, the gang arrive at the pit, which is filled with tar that smells of dead animals. I can see why people would want to jump into it. Because, inexplicably, Tommy and Ben don’t want to dive into the pit, Tommy is pushed in. Luckily, he’s saved by the kids from the classroom, who somehow knew where they were. Did they just stalk them the whole time? The mad kids surround the gang, until Tommy produces his lighter, making bright orange flames leap about 2cm into the air. Wait, Tommy has a lighter? Well, at least we know nobody here’s using e-cigarettes. The sudden rush of colour distracts the kids, allowing Tommy, Ben, and the kids from the classroom to escape. Is colour really this important to everyone? In real life, it’s only really important to SJWs.

As Tommy and Ben discover that the last remnants of their colour are fading, Tommy, remembering the absent 25th kid, asks if any kids have escaped. Apparently, one of them did actually escape a few weeks back. Tommy then comes to the conclusion that it must be Darth Greta the Wise! Because the only colour she’s missing is her eyes. Yeah, I don’t get how that works. Tommy concludes that if he gets some colour into the room with his lighter, they might be able to wash away the grey and escape back to our dimension. However, his lighter’s out of juice after the one time he used it today.

Suddenly, the lift door opens; the 25th kid is back! Except it’s not Greta at all; it’s Thalia, which explains the 20 seasons of The Only Way is Essex’s worth of make-up she’s been wearing. Honestly, this is a pretty good twist. Thalia explains that, a few weeks ago, she discovered that her lipstick still had colour. After 50 years. Seems legit. She rubbed some on the wall, opening a hole back to Tommy’s dimension. Thalia finally accepts that she doesn’t really belong in the real world, and should stay in Greyworld with her 5 mates. But that breaks everyone’s maximum quota! However, she can still help out Tommy and Ben, and rubs on the wall with her lipstick. This creates a hole out of Greyworld, allowing Tommy and Ben to escape. They call out to Thalia that they’ll never forget her. After all, how could they? I mean, remember the time that she…. did that thing?

Tommy and Ben pop off down to the dance, where the head is waiting. He’s happy that the boys are OK, because the dance photo (dance photo?) is about to be taken. Screw Thalia, I guess. What’s that? She’s vanished into thin air? Oh, who cares about that; Mr Chameleon is about to take the photo! No, really. It’s Mr Chameleon. Shouldn’t he be off fighting Spider-Man? Mr Chameleon takes the photo as Tommy cries out in horror. Congratulations, twist; you’ve made Thalia saving the gang absolutely pointless!

Extra Toppings

Tommy got his plastic lighter from his Granddad. On his deathbed. Sentimental, yes, but why would anyone have a lighter on their deathbed?

Any Questions?

If Thalia didn't regain her colour when she escaped Greyworld, how come Ben and Tommy did? 

Conclusion

The Haunted School is pretty good. It starts off weak, but, upon entering Greyworld, it gets beautifully creepy and disturbing. The insane kids are terrifying, the twist with Thalia is rather clever, and the concept of Greyworld. However, the whole 'Mr Chameleon' thing is pretty weak for such a pivotal character, since he's only mentioned in passing. However, a great read (though maybe not to your 5 year old)

Next Time: Slappy's back! And we finally learn what being his slave actually entails, as demonstrated by Goosebumps' first unofficial Mary Sue!