We open with our protagonist, Alison Moore, watching a spooky scary movie with her little brother. For some reason. I'm sure this'll end well. It does not. The little brother, who shall remain nameless because he doesn't do anything, runs out, terrified, as you'd expect.
Alison and her best friend, Ryan, hop on their bikes, and rush to the school for the rehearsal of a play called 'The Princess and the Jewel Thief.' I don't know what that is, but it sounds like a lame panto. It doesn't matter anyway, because Alison is in such a rush that she hits a cat with her bike. And the bike decapitates the moggy. You know, because she was Boudicca's reincarnation and had spikes on her wheels. When Alison goes to examine the wet-paper-necked cat, she sees that its head has reattatched itself to the cat's body (with a clear expression of “What the hell just happened on its face), though the cat is still dead. What was in that cereal I had for breakfast? thinks Alison, probably.
Realising that the dead, regenerative cat (I’m gonna call it Wade) probably came from the giant cat house across the street (can’t imagine what gave it away), and so decides to return the corpse. Instead of just asking, say, “Sorry, I just ran over one of your cats, somehow decapitating it with my bike. Then its head regrew or something along those lines. Is this place a government testing lab or something?” In the Crazy Cat Chateau, Alison meets a young girl called Crystal. She’s understandably furious when she finds out that Wade is dead. Then Wade gets up and runs off, about as dead as Drax will be at the end of Avengers 4. Crystal is now annoyed that Wade is alive. How the hell are we supposed to make you happy, Crystal? Crystal tells Alison that she shouldn’t have killed Rip. Yeah, the cat’s real name is Rip. Dear Lord, we’re not even a 5th of the way through. She also says that R.I.P isn’t an ordinary cat. She doesn’t go into more detail, because in horror, you have to be as ominous as possible for at least the entire 1st act.
At practice, Alison bumps into Ryan, who I guess just kept going after Alison decapitated a cat as if it was an average Tuesday. Alison tells him about the cat regrowing its head and coming back to life, but for reasons the world’s top boffins couldn’t decipher, Ryan doesn’t believe her. Mr Keanes, the bloke in charge of the not-panto, asks Alison to get a scepter out of the closet. However, within is not a scepter, but rather, Rest in Peace. He leaps into her hair, so, as if she were playing Batting Cage, she rips him off, and flings him across the room with the grace and skill of that Horror who chucked Julie Martin’s SD card into orbit. Rip Van Winkle lands under the throne that the stagehands are carrying… and they end up dropping it on him.
As everyone gathers round the magic-cat fritter, Rip the Paper My Son gets up and runs off. Mr K dismisses everyone and the whole “magic cat coming back to life” thing.
That night, RIP in Peace sneaks into Alison’s house, and starts to suffocate her. So, she once more rips him off her, and chucks him out the 2nd window. Somehow not figuring that RIP in Pingas will probably come back to life after this, despite the fact that he survived decapitation by bike and a throne dropping on him, Alison goes to the back garden to investigate. There, RIP in Pepperoni gets up and scratches her leg, before running off. What a jerk! (Don’t worry parents, there’s no blood)
The following morning, Alison starts acting like a cat. Because cats. You know the kind of thing; craving tuna, licking the backs of her palms, jumping off the roof of the hall onto the stage during rehearsals for the not-panto, the usual stuff. The whole “jumping from a really high place” goes better than expected, luckily. Oh yeah, and she also hacks up a furball. Reader Beware, you’re in for a very good reason to barf everywhere. (Hey, it still rhymes!)
That night, Alison pops over to the Mad Moggy Mansion to confront Crystal about Rip-Off. Crystal is naturally mad that Alison has somehow killed the same cat 3 times, so it only has one life left. Apparently, 5 more bikes had decapitated before Alison did. Also, if Rip-Snorting Giggles only has one life left, why don’t you just try and kill him?
A bit later, the plot a mysterious force calls Alison to the local pet cemetery. Ryan (oh yeah, he’s in this story) follows her, for some reason. Alison comes across a grave that reads Rip R.I.P, and digs it up. As you do. She retrieves the coffin, and raspberry Ripple leaps out. Oh, great, there’s jumpscares in books now, too. Suddenly, the ground starts to rumble, and smoke begins to pour from the various graves. Oh no, it’s the Frackers! Actually, it’s just a Ripple in Time, summoning an army of cats from beyond the grave. As he stands on his hind legs. No, seriously, how did they take these concepts so seriously?
Then the cats, under Riptide’s control, the ghost cats form a gigantic cat tornado. I… what? The gigantic tornado of cats (did I just write that?) pursue Alison and Ryan back to the Frenzied Feline Flophouse, where Crystal only lets them in as the cat tornado makes it to the front door.
Saying that only her Mum, who exists now, can help them, Crystal makes Alison and Ryan pop down to the basement. Except, boom, big reveal - Crystal’s mum is half-cat. Well, I’m guessing she’s not much of a dog person. It turns out that RIP this joke, I’m out of ideas stays alive by scratching people. This way, he steals some of their life and replaces it with something called Cat-Life (patent pending). Also, the cats in the grave obey Rip because Catwoman did experiments on the cats in the graveyard... as scientists do. That's it, I guess. Crystal's Mum volunteered to be Rip's only source of regular life in order to protect Crystal. However, since she's only half-cat, she's run out of human life, and volunteered Alison, the girl who she may not have even known existed until now, to be Rip's new source of regular life. Yeah, get the girl who killed Rip 3 times in the span of 2 days to be his new source of life; that'll end well!
Suddenly, the door crashes open, as the tornado of cats enters, like the Kool-Aid man, but stupider. Rip is leading the charge, walking down the stairs on his hind legs. Reader Beware, You're in for reasons to laugh until you wet your pants! Ryan walks back into the story, but only to get scratched by Rip. In fairness, he is the better choice. Suddenly, as it looks like Rip is about to kill his sources of immortality, Alison remembers the toy mouse... which she has with her. What? She chucks it onto the ground in front of Rip, causing the entire tornado of cats to dive on Rip, finally killing him. And, because the cats are also the Chitauri, they all just keel over and die as well. Also, Alison and Ryan fight over a mouse as the credits roll. I was expecting more from a book with such an insane climax.
Extra Toppings
In England, at the end of each book in the classic series, there's a teaser for the next book in the series. The teaser for this was... a scene in which Alison discovers she's eaten a lot of tuna. Gripping.
Any Questions?
So, what exactly is, well, was, Rip? Is he a ghost? A zombie? In fact, for that matter, why was he in that coffin? How did he get there? How can he make cats rise from the grave? Geez, it's a back-to-back
Cry of the Cat is by no means well-written, but it's loads of fun. The scenes with Alison acting like a cat are boring, but it's balanced out by Rip's insane deaths, and the utterly mad climax. The characters are boring as hell, yes, but that's to be expected. Overall, worth reading if only for the complete nonsense it provides.
Next time: Ray Gordon and Murder the Clown are back! But, how will they ever take down the mysterious master of menace... the Frightener? (Seriously, Dave? The Frightener? Why the hell did I hire you to choose books for me?)
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