Goosebumps Hall of Horrors #1: Claws!

Blurb
Mickey is put in charge of his vacationing neighbors' cat, Bella. His best friend, Amanda, comes along to help out. All they have to do is make sure Bella has enough to eat and doesn't destroy the furniture. Seems simple enough. But Bella escapes from the house and is hit by a truck. Mickey feels awful.  Amanda has an idea to replace the cat with a look-alike from the local pet store, Cat Heaven. They find a cat that looks exactly like Bella, but the clerk won't sell it to them, so they decide to steal it. Big mistake! These cats are more than they seem to be....

Plot
We open with another forced framing device. We are welcomed to the Hall of Horrors by the Horror who runs the place, who is creatively named 'The Story Keeper.' SK introduces us to our protagonist, Mickey Coe, who is here for padding, and to tell us his story (though, in fairness, at least there's finally a reason for the first person perspective).

Once, Mickey and his best friend Amanda agreed to look after the cat of a dear old woman called Mrs Caplan while she went off on her hols or something. Bella (that's the cat) seemed to be fond of Amanda. Wow, I didn't expect a 3rd party to win the Edward/Jacob debate. (Thinking about it, that's a bit outdated now.) However, one day, Amanda somehow accidentally got gum on Bella's tail! (Dun-dun-duuuun!) So, their first plan was to cut the fur with the gum on it off. However, doing so caused Bella to run through the front door, which they had stupidly left open. Then Bella ran out into the road... and was hit by a truck. Wow, you're doing a great job, Mickey and Amanda!

Instead of ringing up Mrs Caplan and telling her, "I'm really sorry, but Bella's been hit by a truck and killed," Amanda comes up with a plan to cover this whole thing up: they'll by a replacement cat that looks exactly like Bella. Good thing that Bella didn't have anything that Mrs C could identify her by! I mean, even if she did, her body just vanished into the shadows anyway.

Mickey and Amanda journeyed to a pet store called Cat Heaven, that sells exclusively, you guessed it, gerbils. They discovered a room in the back with a KEEP OUT sign on the door. Being Goosebumps kids, they just waltzed in there like it was their bedroom. It's full of cats that are really quiet. One of the cats looked to be Bella's doppelgänger. Oh, good, now Marshall and Lilly can finally have kids! Suddenly, the store owner entered and asked what the hell they were doing in the room with a KEEP OUT sign on the door. He told them firmly that none of the cats in the room were for sale. Hey, wait a minute. This seems very familiar. In an effort to prove that statement, it would seem, Mickey stole Bella's clone as Amanda distracted him, though they also released a bunch of other cats in the process. I don't think I need to say this, but

Back at Casa de Caplan, Bella II - the Wrath of Khan was adjusting nicely to the new house. But not  to Mickey, it would appear, because she leapt onto him and ripped his t-shirt into tiny, bite-size pieces. It continued into the night, as Mickey heard cat noises in his room. Despite this, there were as many cats present as Crufts. The next morning, Mickey's 3 fish, Nick, Kevin, and Joe, were gone. But not completely, as there was bits of them floating in the fish bowl. That's plain revolting.

The next day, Mickey and Amanda went back to Chez Caplan to check up on Bella II - Simba's Pride. Bella didn't seem to be adjusting to the house as much as she was adjusting the house, having destroyed the couch. Cats destroying furniture? What new spore of madness is this?Mickey and Amanda then set off for school, though, on the way, they bumped into 3 workers from Cat Heaven. Luckily, they avoided themLuckily, they avoided them. What exactly would they have done to Mickey and Amanda? Harass kids in the middle of the street?

Later, at lunch, Mickey came across a cat in his backpack. These bloody teleporting cats! When he tried to show it to Amanda, however, the cat had disappeared into the shadows. This is giving a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘BatCat.’ (That’s the ship name for Batman and Catwoman)

Later, in the locker room, Mickey heard a bunch of cats howling. Because he didn’t have any boots on him, he went to investigate, and discovered a large group of cats. Run, Mickey! They’re after the Cravendale! All the cats looked like they’d never paid their money back to the Cat Mafia, as they had patchy, torn up fur. They began to attack Mickey, but they disappeared into the shadows. Ah, there’s the rest of the BatCat family!

That afternoon, at Mrs C’s house, Bella II - The Crimes of Grindelwald suddenly leapt at Mickey when he came in. Or, rather, through him. This is the point where you should probably call Mrs Caplan, Mickey. Suddenly, he noticed a patch of missing fur, exactly where Amanda removed the gum from the tail of Bella - The Motion Picture. The only logical conclusion Mickey drew was that this must be the original Bella! Oh, of course!

So, Mickey decided to take Bella II - Lost in New York/Bella I (I don’t even know at this point) back to Cat Heaven. However, there, the guy at the till said that Bella was dead. Yeah,  leaping around, destroying furniture, etc. Dead cats can totally do that! 

For whatever reason, Mickey went back to the Caplans’ place, where Amanda was waiting for him. Why wasn’t she with him when he first went there? Anyway, the house, it turned out, was then full of cats. It’s every dog person’s worst nightmare. Suddenly, Mrs Caplan and her husband (who exists now, I guess) arrived suddenly and politely inquired as to what the hell was going on. Only then, at the book’s climax, did Mickey and Amanda tell them about Bella I getting hit by a truck, and them getting Bella II - Secret of the Ooze from Cat Heaven. Except, here’s the plot twist: Bella I had been dead for the past 4 years. She was hit by a truck, but they got Bella back by going to Cat Heaven. Yep, Cat Heaven is literally Heaven for cats. This is what I decided to do with my life. Apparently, if the cat were to get outside, it would re-enact its own death; hence Bella I/Bella II(Please Help) got hit by a truck on purpose. TL;DR, Cat Heaven is like Pet Semetary, except, instead of becoming homicidal once resurrected, they become suicidal, but only if they go outside. However, there’s a catch; if someone other than the owner collected one of the cats, it would haunt them/attack them/trash their couch for eternity. And Mickey  just released an army of ghost cats. I’m pretty sure this would’ve been nice to mention before asking Mickey to look after their ghost cat.

However, the whole “if they go outside, they’ll kill themselves” thing gave Mickey an idea. He ran to his house, which was next door, and grabbed his pet mouse. He then waved it in front of the ghost cats, coaxing them outside, making them all kill themselves. Wouldn’t they still haunt him, regardless? But, it worked. The Caplans applauded Mickey, though he was sad that his mouse gave its life so that his furniture could live. Morale of the story: if you’re an animal, and Mickey’s looking after you, you’re gonna die.

Later, on his way to tennis practice, Mickey spied a sign for a shop called Mouse Heaven. He went in, and there was his mouse, as dead as Millenial Not-Teen Spider Man will be by the end of Avengers 4.

We then jump back to the Hall of Horrors. The Story Keeper says that he’s giving Mickey a gift for telling a story. Eh. Still gonna get more income than Chiller House (at least he can make the stories into books and sell them). The gift, within a carrying case, is apparently named “Ripper.” I’m giving that guy 2 weeks, tops. Unless there’s a Deadly 60 Heaven somewhere in the vicinity.

Extra Toppings
There’s a scene I didn’t mention wherein some of the workers from Cat Heaven showed up again and started chasing Mickey. He only escaped when he hid in his locker. How did those guys not get fired?



Any Questions?
So, as a business, how does Cat Heaven actually work? Do you give them money? Or do you just say “My cat’s dead,” they say, “m’kay,” and then just nip in the back and grab it? In fact, how do they know which owner each cat belongs to?

Conclusion
Claws is average. There’s nothing special about it, or anything worth coming for, except one thing: Cat Heaven. It’s such a stupid idea that you’ll only belive that it’s the actual story if you read the book. That, and Mickey’s tendency to kill every non-human he touches.


Next Time: More cats! Well, OK, most of them are in a gigantic cat tornado, but - wait, what?