Goosebumps Series 2000 #13: Return to Horrorland (OR Horrorland: Fallen Kingdom)

Previously, in the ambiguously dated One Day at Horrorland

The Morris family - Mum, Dad, Lizzy, and Luke - and Luke's friend Clay were supposed to be going to the lame-sounding theme park, Zoo Gardens, but got lost because Dad was an idiot and left the map on the kitchen table and didn't remember until they were in the desert. Luckily, they discovered an ad for the theme park Horrorland. Then their car blew up and they encountered many, many near-death experiences that are fixed by them doing nothing and being really lucky. Eventually, it turned out that the whole thing was for a reality TV show. Then it turned out that, to the shock of no-one reading the book, the Horrors (the people who ran the park) turned out to be actual monsters. Then it turned out that they deflated when being pinched, which Lizzie and the gang used to escape. Then it turned out that the Horrors leave the keys in the random buses that were in the car park for no reason. Then, when they got home, they found a Horror clinging to the back offering them free passes. Then they forgot all about that and it was never mentioned again. Then it didn't get a sequel for, like, 5 years.

Plot

Right, this being Horrorland and all, roll call time!

• Lizzy "Useless" Morris, the narrator of the first Horrorland adventure. Finally has a chance to do something again, after being utterly superfluous in the first Horrorland arc.
• Luke "Prankster" Morris, the obligatory annoying younger sibling. Once unironically dubbed himself "The Mad Pincher."
• Clay "Reason" Lastnameunrevealed, Luke's best friend, who, as we'll soon see, has no reason to be in this story other than he was in the last one.
• Derek "Doctor" Strange, one of the hosts of the TV show Lizzy and Luke are watching as the book opens, The Strange Report. Looks at strange places and adventures, and yet has never been mentioned by anyone in any of the Goosebumps universes.
• Margo "Scully" Strange, Derek's wife and co-host. Like I just said, Lizzy actually compares her to Agent Scully from The X-Files.
• Evan "Carrot-Top" Ross, from Monster Blood and Monster Blood II - The Dark World. Is currently appearing on The Strange report, describing the events of Monster Blood II - The Winter Soldier, and being ridiculed by Luke and Lizzy.

Because after green furry monsters that deflate after being pinched, evil silly putty that turns hamsters giant and rampaging sounds - yeah, OK, Lizzy and Luke have every right to be laughing at Evan's story.

Stephen and Scully Strange come to Mrs Morris, and offer her $10,000 so that they can take Lizzy and Luke to Horrorland for the TV show and get it shut down or something. In fairness, the gift shop owners wouldn't be making any less money if that happened. How does this involve Luke and Lizzy, you ask? Well, Stephen and Scully are going to pose as Lizzy and Luke's parents to avoid suspicion, following the logic of Turner and Troy from Skeleton Key. Because that worked out so well for those 2. Also, Horrorland apparently keeps moving location, because entire theme parks are easy to move without arousing suspicion. It's currently in Florida, and is apparently no longer the backdrop for The Horrorland Hidden Camera Show (thank God), but something else. This 'something else' is not a tangible plot, in case you're wondering. Despite the fact that she's experienced several near death experiences at Horrorland, Mum is OK with sending her kids (and Clay, for some reason) back there. I guess people'll do anything for $10,000.

So, The Stranges, Lizzy, Luke, and Clay go off down to Horrorland, Florida, with their car intact this time. However, when they get in, a Horror smashes Derek's camera, lacking the satisfaction and awesomeness of the Horror who chucked Julie Martin's SD card into the distance like an Olympic discuss player in Say Cheese and Die Screaming! Luckily, in the Julie Martin fashion (that's fitting), Stephen and Scully Strange have extra hidden cameras, so they can still film the Horrors. My, my, how the tables have turned!

Hey, you know how at theme parks the first (and typically only) thing you do is go on the rides? Well, guess what? If going on rides was the Goosebumps equivalent of doing anything, then for Lizzie and Luke, this would be Escape from Horrorland/The Streets of Panic Park. First, they go to an Egyptian pyramid. Wow, they're so boring that their first attraction is the queue for Laser Raiders at Legoland. At least, I think so, because that's the only explanation I've got for it. Then Luke gets trapped in a sarcophagus somehow. Man, it's changed a bit since the last time I was there. Luckily, Luke falls to safety through that convenient trap door that Uncle Ben mentioned in Curse of the Mummy's Tomb.

The next attraction they visit is (drum roll please)... a Monster Dentist Office! I never thought I'd miss the Bottomless Canoe Ride, or the R.I.P.P.E.R Dipper, or even the chip on my shoulder that is Coffin Cruise, but here we are. It seems that lawsuits aren't good enough for Horrorland, because now they want to get thrown in jail, too! Why? Well, 'side effects' from visiting this chamber of dental horrors (in fairness, that's basically the dictionary definition of dentist for a 6 year old) include having all your teeth being broken, having a hole drilled in your tongue (*takes short break to cope with uncomfortable-ness*), or coughing up blood. Do the people who run Horrorland just really like standing in courtroom docks? Before she knows it, Lizzie gets strapped into a dentist's chair, with the dentist about to drill away all her teeth. As we start wondering how this dentist ever got his medical degree, we learn that he didn't at all: he's a robot. I wish I was old enough to drink alcohol. Luckily, Lizzie escapes by twisting his nose. If you'll excuse me, I'm off to go regrow my sanity.

Right, I'm back. They quickly exit the Monster Dentist Office, which they probably should've left before "Robot Dentist who is defeated by having his nose twisted." They realise that they can't find the Stranges, despite the fact that they should really be with the kids, filming their perils. Actually, maybe it's for the best that they didn't film the robot dentist; that would've caused the largest ratings drop in mankind's history. When they do meet up, Stephen and Scully Strange insist that the kids aren't in any real danger. Being the responsible adults that they are, the Stranges are disappointed by this, and ask to see some real danger. How about the rides, you morons?

A bit later, Lizzie, Luke, and Clay (oh yeah, he's in this story) get caught in a comedically large butterfly net by a Horror, who takes them to a torture chamber. I thought The Dungeons was a UK-exclusive attraction chain. There, they meet the dungeon master, probably a bit miffed that they're 3 hours late to the D&D game. Apparently, he's so miffed, that he unleashes a horde of creatures to eat the 3 kids. Child murder. Great. Now The Dungeons are gonna get sued as well. What are these creatures, you don't ask? Ferrets. Yes, really. I've never heard of man-eating ferrets, and I'm sure that they're not real or an attraction at The Dungeons. OK, Dungeons joke over.

The kids escape the ferrets, neglecting to return Albus Severus' to its owner. Their next stop is The Haunted Theatre, where we get to experience an act worse than Murder the Clown, but still better than Big Weekend: Amaz-O, the magician from Bad Hare Day. (I'll get round to that one eventually). He sinks to magic's low point, pulling animals out of his hat. Instead of the next logical step, the 'pick a card' trick, he instead plucks Lizzie out of the audience, and chucks her into a cage. Which has a live tiger in it. Luckily, the tiger is summoned to become Earth's new Green Lantern, and vanishes.

Lizzie returns to her seat, only to find that Luke and Clay just left her to get eaten because the show was a bit lame. So, she goes to look for them, and finds them... chained to poles in a random desert, being circled by hungry vultures. Which is a thing they have at theme parks. (What?)

After Lizzie rescues the boys, they find out that the Stranges have been kicked out of Horrorland. So that's what happens if they catch you bringing in a packed lunch! And then the horrors try to kidnap the gang, but they come up with a plan: they'll dress up as Horrors and just walk out. Sounds clever (it doesn't, actually) until Gary asks them to cover his shift this evening. So, they 'purchase' (From experience, [*cough cough* Chiller*] I doubt that any currency was involved) some Horror costumes... which they sell at Horrorland gift shops now(seriously, rare graphic novels, alien dolls, wish granting teeth... Horror costumes?)... get into them, and they just stroll out of Horrorland without clocking out.
Next time on Wacky Racers!
No, not really. They nip into Stephen and Scully's van, and the latters apologise for leaving the kids in Near-Death-World. Then they drive back into Horrorland... which has vehicle access now? What? Most vehicles never even last 30 seconds in the car park, so there's no reason any should get in! Where the buses to ship the disabled to the various death-traps? A horror hands Derek a bunch of money and thanks him. "These kids never finished their dental appointments; thanks for getting them back!" Actually, it turns out that the Stranges were hired by the park to be walking framing devices find out if the gang were willing to expose the secrets of Horrorland. This is in spite of the fact that I'm pretty sure that Mum made the final decision based on the $10,000 I'm pretty sure she's not getting. Since they were willing to, they have to die. Right, Child-Murder-Land's now on the Horrorland nickname list.

The Horrors take Lizzie, Luke, and Clay to an attraction called the Final Leap, which I'm pretty sure is just a renamed version of the Freefall Bungee Jump. It's like Galactica at Alton Towers, but they didn't put in lame VR to make it seem different from Air. Luckily, we are spared from asking the question of how Lizzie's telling us this by 3 Horrors, who escort the children down safely, and out of the park gates. Then they take off their Horror costumes (they actually fell for that one?) and reveal themselves as humans. I don't think much of this new season of This is Your Life. Actually, they're reporters from a show called Weird Copy. I'm not entirely sure what it's about, but the reporters have enough footage to get Horrorland shut down """"""""""""""for good"""""""""""""" (is that enough quotation marks) and to get the Stranges arrested. However, since they haven't got enough footage for the show, they drive the kids to a new place called Terrorville. Terrorville nickname list: Aldi-Bootleg-Horrorland. And they did it without offering Mum 10 grand, too.

Extra Toppings
The Sarcophagus sequence lasted for 30 pages. Yeah, that's right. A quarter of the book was taken up by an 11 year old who once unironically proclaimed himself 'The Mad Pincher' being stuck in a coffin. Gripping.

Any Questions?
No, seriously, how does anyone fall for the Horror costumes? I'm sorry, it's just annoying!
Also, who's idea was the Monster Dentist Office? Madison Storm (the park's founder) may have been mad, but he can't have been that dumb!

Conclusion
Return to Horrorland is the kind of "averagely bad" story that is the sort of stuff you'd come to expect from the series. I suppose it's slightly less mediocre than the original, but, honestly, it's pretty much the same. Nobody actually does anything, the "atttractions" (if you can call them that, since nobody in their right or wrong minds would be attracted to any of these) are stupid, dull, or both, and the entire story feels forced and unnecessary. At least I've got some decent bog roll after purchasing this.

Next time: We dive into unexplored territory for a fortnight, diving into 2 of the video games about Horrorland! First, a minigame collection that's slightly more entertaining than this! (But not by much. Thanks, Fright Restrictions!)