Goosebumps Horrorland #19: The Horror at Chiller House

Blurb
Jonathon Chiller has had a plan all along. Nothing is free in Horrorland, especially his rare souvenirs [shouldn't that say 'except,' not 'especially'?]. Now it's time for the 6 kids who visited his shop to pay up. [Business is certainly booming] And Chiller knows exactly what he wants - players for his deadly game. [How this guy affords to pay he rent on his shop I'll never know]
Andy, Sam, Jessica, Meg, Marco, and Ray are trapped by Chiller's evil plot. [Not Chiller himself, just the non-tangible plot] Who is this madman? [The Queen of England. Who do you think? We've been talking about him for half the blurb!] He's made sure that there is only one way to escape from Horrorland. But are they willing to pay for it... with their lives? [No, because you can't escape from Horrorland if you're dead]

Plot
Well, here we are. After almost a year, we've made it to the end of the Horrorland series. Let's at least try and go out with a bang.


PART 1 - The Homework at Some Kid's House
We open in 1960, in 3rd person narration, with a boy without a name... or the gift of love. He, does however, have homework, though he dreams of chucking it on the fireplace. That, sir, is a short, painless death, for a creature of such malevolence. Only problem with this plan - he has no fireplace in his bedroom. His walls are full of bookshelves which house everything but the stuff they're meant to hold: toys, board games, puppets, costumes, foreshadowing - you name it. He spends a lot of time staring out the window, at the outside world, his barren back garden, and the wild, mysterious forest behind it. His parents don't let him play outside, but he does anyway. He often sneaks out to the forest, pretending to be a bold adventurer. He battles the forest people. He defeats them. He destroys them, and moves on to the next place. Ah, he's British! He wishes he could be a normal kid, with friends to play with. Or merely to play at all. His mother won't let him go to school; she says he has a special brain; one that needs to be "nurtured."

The boy is suddenly interrupted by his mother entering the room, telling him to crack on with his studies. Must be exam season. (That was a cry for help, I've been stuck in this classroom for 2 days! [*screaming*]) Eventually, Mum leaves, and the boy walks over to his puppet collection. He grabs one of his puppets, Droopy, and takes it over to his desk. If he absolutely has to study, he won't do it alone. I'll grab my Iron Man figure. (It's a revision session). The boy hears his parents bickering over mother's treatment of him. Things come to a head when his father claims that mother is turning him into a freak. And the kid doesn't take this well, grabbing Droopy and tearing him into tiny little pieces. We're not even out of the first chapter, and this is so well written, it deserves to be any other book series in the world.

A few days later, the boy is playing with some of his toys, holding a large interplanetary war, and feeling remorse for Droopy's death. I know how you feel. He was my favourite Tom and Jerry charac- nope, can't finish. This is so well written and serious that I can hardly bring myself to joke about it. He hears his parents bickering again, and father eventually says that he's going to make a man out of the boy. Now, I know what everyone reading this and the mother is thinking, but don't worry, it's nothing like that. Father's taking the boy hunting for turkeys in the woods. Father doesn't believe in using a hunting rifle; rather, he's going to use crossbows. Apparently the hunting rifle makes it too easy. "Too easy," is a phrase that should only be used in comedy. It sounds like "sacrificing all practicality for-" Nope, still can't make a joke fully.

Despite the grim weather, the boy is nevertheless excited. It's the first time him and father are hanging out together. His every word makes the boy excited, as he fantasizes about the crossbow firing. They come to the turkeys for the hunt, when father suddenly thrusts the crossbow into the boy's hands. Father helps him adjust the crossbow. The boy protests that he can't aim, but father says that today, they'll just do some practice shots. The boy sort of takes aim at a tree, fires... and quite literally shoots himself in the foot. Father shakes his head in disbelief... and laughs. Laughs until he can't breathe.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "Well, this is some pretty good storytelling, but what's it got to do with anything?" Well, the first clue comes back home. After mother tends to the boy's wound and sends him back to his room, still in pain, we learn the boy's name: Jonny. If you look out of your window, you can see where this is going now.  He hears father tell mother that he'll never take the boy hunting again. That does it for poor Jonny. He puts on a cloak he owns, and lines up all his toys. He proclaims himself their all-powerful king. No, he proclaims himself.... "Jonathon Chiller."

PART 2 - The final roll call
Ray Gordon wakes up in Chiller House. He's been having, well... not exactly what you'd call "one of those days." First there's the evil sentient ventriloquist dummy who thinks that everyone his slave that trashed his New Year's party, then disappeared into thin air like Batman, or a ninja, or Ninja Batman. Then a horror statuette that he got with the dummy teleported into a gift shop at a haunted theme park. He's not the only one, though (the part with the horror statuette, not the dummy). There are 5 other kids with him. Let's meet them - roll call time!

• Andy "Wish-Waster" Meadows, from When the Ghost Dog Howls. Bought a wish granting tooth, and used it to grant incredibly mediocre wishes. There was very few ghost dog sightings.
• Sam "Boone Dixon II" Waters, from Little Shop of Hamsters. Brought magic growing sponges and a candy dispensing phone, and battled killer, sometimes 10-foot tall hamsters. Yes, really.
• Jessica "Assassin" Bowen, from Heads, You Lose! Bought a 2-headed coin that transported her and her best friend, Ryan, to a magic realm of wasted potential. Also lost all her money to the school bully after losing the world's easiest coin toss. (2-headed, remember?)
• Meg "Supergirl" Oliver, from Weirdo Halloween (Parts 1 and 2). Bought a strange doll called a Floig that attracted a tangerine with Jar Jar's brain to Earth. Has been taken to Horrorland already, using her "superpowers" that I made up to escape, so I'm not really sure why she's here.
• Marco "10-second" Gonzalez, from The Wizard of Ooze. Bought a graphic novel and fake nose. The graphic novel was extremely rare and had instructions within on how to gain superpowers. The nose did nothing. The book also attracted the attention of 2 mediocre supervillains.
• Ray "Diet Brandon Plush" Gordon, from Slappy New Year! Bought Slappy, the sentient ventriloquist dummy to annoy his younger, stronger, yet more cowardly brother, Brandon. Has the most convincable parents in history.

It goes without saying at this point that if I used the word "bought" any more loosely, it would fall off the page. Everybody starts discussing their experiences with their items from Chiller House (how anyone takes Sam's story seriously is a mystery), and eventually realises that this must be time for them to pay Jonathon Chiller back. Sam produces his phone, but it's dead, despite the fact that he charged it just now. I guess I'm going to have to make 2 jokes here:

1. That's what you get for choosing an iPhone.
2. "Oh, wait, I left my phone at home. This is the candy dispenser."

They wander around the shop a bit, and come across some photos that Chiller apparently took of them. Hey, you can't take pictures of people without their consent! Unless it's for a school website, I mean. They discover that somebody has drawn arrows through all of their heads. Man, Green Arrow's childhood doodles were weird. Suddenly, Jonathon Chiller coughs, alerting everyone to his gloriously atmospheric presence. Seriously, why wasn't this guy in the movie? He says that it's time for the game to begin. Everyone starts bombarding him with questions. Oh come on, why do we keep doing this in finales? He doesn't answer any of them, or at least until Jessica asks what'll happen if they don't play. He simply just responds by asking if they actually want to get home. Fair point, I guess. Either play the game, or hang out in Death-Trap-Topia for the rest of your days. Chiller explains that, what with them being sent to Horrorland by Horror statuettes, they'll need Horror statuettes to get home. Makes sense, I suppose. Sam immediately asks why Chiller keeps talking in riddles. What are you on about? That seemed perfectly reasonable. Chiller responds with a riddle of his own. Question: What did the spider say to the fly? Answer: Nowt. Spiders can't talk The spider simply bit the fly's head off. Then he laughs for ages. Dammit, Jonny. Rule 1 of comedy: Never laugh at your own jokes! That's what killed Ernest Scribbler!

Chiller collects himself and explains the game to them: there are 6 small chests with Horror statuettes inside. Someone asks how they'll find the chest, with Horrorland being so large, and the chests being so small. "It's OK," says Chiller, "they're bright red!" That doesn't help much, Jonny. He also gives them "Helper Cards," with Horrorland characters that they've all previously encountered, whom they can ask for help. None of them appear in the same scene together (don't worry, it's explained later), so it's time for their roll call:

• Murder the Clown. Set zombie clown on Andy and his cousin, Marnie. Is one of the least interesting characters on this list, and yet made it into the movie. This isn't even the only book with characters called Ray Gordon and Murder the Clown, but we'll get to that soon enough.
• Chef Belcher. Runs the "Spear-It cafe." Serves weird shrimp that tries to suck your blood out, which almost happened to Sam and his friend, Lexi. Don't worry, he gets the shrimp off by pouring hot sauce on them.
• Mondo the Magical. Performs magic shows and runs a magic shop. Has a box that drops you into tunnels that lead to Chiller House. Sometimes can't get his tricks right. Cover design contradicts entire description in book.
• Madame Doom, everyone's favourite bootleg Zoltar. Tells fortunes. Is supposed to be a wooden fortune teller's booth, but now is also a person. What's up with that? Dispenses ads for Chiller House. Once gave Meg a voodoo doll of herself for no reason. Was much better when she was apparently giving people superpowers at a mall.
• Winner Taikall. Runs games at the Play Pen sometimes. Gave Marco and his best friend a game of tug-o-war against nobody... and they lost. Gives out coupons for 10% off free stuff at Chiller House. Apparently doesn't even exist. 
• Seymour Winn-doe. Covered in bits of mirror. Has tried out inventing Horrorland's 3rd (and 2nd private/secret) Hall of Mirrors. Ray and his brother, Brandon, tried it out. It was actually pretty creepy.
• Jonathon Chiller. Runs Chiller House, the Horrorland gift shop. Unlike most gift shops, he doesn't overcharge; rather, he gives really awesome stuff away for free that usually leads to an adventure (except in Sam's case). Is possibly insane. Would make a good Hannibal Lecter actor. 

In fairness, I don't expect you all to have read the previous 12 reviews, so I may have had to explain who Chiller is to those who haven't. Also, it's more foreshadowing, technically. Jonathon also mentions that there's something else going on while this happens... and fires a crossbow at the wall. Somehow, his foot is untouched by the (sucker-tipped) arrow. He explains that, whilst the gang are partaking in their scavenger hunt, he and his friends are going to be hunting them. Somebody's been watching The Most Dangerous Game too much. Also, while we're on the subject of hunting human beings:

"Well, get going," says Chiller. As they depart, Ray hears Chiller talking to his father under his breath, asking if he's finally a good hunter. Why hasn't this guy ever been brought back?

PART 3-The Least Dangerous Game
The gang make their way onto zombie plaza, and stroll around for a bit. They eventually stop off where our Horrorland journey kicked off: The Stagger Inn. Meg tells them about her adventure on Halloween, which probably begs the question: When did the other adventures hapen? It's probably, like January right now, during the holidays. Yet Sam and Jessica's adventures had a school setting at some point.What's up with that? Everyone starts describing their adventures for some reason, when someone gets an idea: why not just walk out the exit? Because, you know, that went so well the last time. So, they go up to the turnstile... and Ray gets electrocuted. Jessica theorises that it's because of Ray's helper card, so they dump all of them on an ice cream cart (the flavour is chocolate chip sushi, by the way), and go back to the exit. Ray goes to push the turnstile again... and a large gate comes crashing down in front of him. Which they have in case a rancor gets loose, I suppose. They're stuck inside. They go back to get their helper cards, but the ice cream cart's gone. And good riddance. (Then again, it sounds better than Bubblegum flavour.)

Turns out it's just being pushed away by a Horror. They run over to the cart and Ray just grabs the cards without talking to the Horror. He politely asks if they' like to try the Lima-Bean sherbet flavour, but Jessica rudely refuses the offer of free ice cream. I mean, it still sounds better than Bubblegum. The gang decides to split up and go after the helpers. Sam and Ray set off after Chef Belcher. Maybe this time just order a salad. Ray follows Sam to the Spear-It Cafe, where Chef Belcher is preparing his Everything Stew, presumably inspired by the Adventure Time Everything Burrito. And by "Everything," Chef B really means, "Everything." The flies give it the flavour, according to him. Jamie Oliver's gonna have a field day. They hand Belcher the card, and he says that, while he can't help them find the chests, he can send them in the right direction. By the way, they never eat the soup.

Chef Belcher takes Sam and Ray to Wolfsbane Forest, where we first met Robby Schwartz. Or, at least, his shadow, all Apocalypse-style. Belcher guides them through the forest, making some funy jokes that Ray doesn't laugh at, for whatever reason. Suddenly, Chef B vanishes into the night. (Chef Batman?) "He just left us in a forest full of werewolves," says Sam. "What a jerk!" As they start considering leaving, because, y'know, werewolves, when suddenly they spy the chest. Huh, I guess the redness of the chest does make it more noticeable. The chest is also atop a small hill. Which is made of wasps. So, how was that supporting the chest? Sam decides to cut his losses, and come back later, but Ray prioritises a small chest that, if we follow Schrodinger's cat, only has a 50:50 relative chance of having the tiny Horror inside it. He grabs it anyway, somehow not getting stung once. He opens it... and it only contains a piece of paper that reads "YOU LOSE." Oh. Well, screw you 2, Chiller.

They decide to go find Mondo the Magical, because meeting up with Belcher went so well. Then the werewolves show up. They're about to pounce, when there's a THWOCKK (yeah, that's what it says in the book), and an arrow thuds into a tree. Chef Belcher calls out, warning them about the hunter firing at them.

Ray and Sam quickly realise that they need to tell the others about this, which is strangely logical, and take off for Mondo's place. They stop by the Haunted Theatre, however. I anticipate the Haunted Mask's performance in Wicked tonight (it's cheaper than makeup, really). They deduce that Murder the Clown is hanging out there, and that Jessica and Marco probably went in there together. They nip in round the back, where there are no zombie raccoons, which is what I'd expect from Horrorland, but there is an extremely cynical clown. And he's sad, because clowns can't act normally in Horrorland. He tells them that Murder in the basement. OUT OF CONTEXT ALERT. They head downstairs, where somebody grabs their neck for no reason, and Murder the Clown eventually shows up. As do Marco and Jessica. Who have just been hanging out there, I guess. They apparently can't get anything out of him, because he never shuts up. He's like Matt Daniels if he was trying to be funny, but didn't fit into the actually good bracket or the 2018 15 year old terrible bracket, so no-one actually found him funny anyway.

Murder takes the gang down to the Bottomless Canoe Ride, where the chest is apparently buried in the middle of the surrounding beach. More specifically, Quicksand Beach, where Britney and Molly Molloy first disappeared for 9 books. Of course, Murder doesn't tell them that it's quicksand; they find out about it for themselves. See, that's good teaching. As everyone starts to sink, Murder disappears, leaving them to die. As Sam would say, "What a jerk!" As the quicksand goes up to their necks, they stop sinking. Laaaame! This attraction was much better in Creep from the Deep! Suddenly, they notice the treasure chest. Well, 16.7% towards victory ain't that bad. They climb out, and retrieve the chest. Since Marco's helper card was Murder, the gang decides that he should go home first. Seems fair. All anyone did was sink into quicksand, so "Who's idea was it to visit Murder?" seems like the next logical qualification. Marco prepares to leave, pretty emotionally, might I add, and squeezes the Horror (that's not a figure of speech, don't worry). It completely crumbles in his grip. It's just a white chocolate model of a horror, containing, a card that reads, "YOU LOSE." Marco doesn't eat the chocolate. What a waste. There seems to be an emerging pattern of events. This theory is proven by the arrows flying at the gang, and Murder calling out for them to watch out. I wonder who the hunters are? (*strokes chin in a sarcastically emphasised manner*)

Murder comes back, and together he and the gang work out that Andy and SuperMeg went off to see Bootleg Zoltar, otherwise known as Madame Doom. Ray, Sam, Marco, and Jessica split and set off to find Madame Doom. They meet Andy and SuperMeg standing outside a Madame Doom fortune teller booth,which hasn't actually worked at this point. Ray tells them everything that's happened, and despite all the failure that they've experienced, SuperMeg thinks Madame Doom will still help them. Then she puts a token into the slot (why didn't she do that already? Is super intelligence one of her powers?), and Bootleg Zoltar slowly pushes out a card. SuperMeg goes to grab the card, when Madame Doom grabs her hand. Oh no. Seriously, that's the chapter cliffhanger. Ray wrenches her free, and she picks up the card. It says that MD can help the gang out, if they go to her house. So, is BZ real or not?

They go to Casa de Doom, where Andy decides to go in alone to test for a trap. But if you die, who will wish for those 12 extra fries. As everyone realises, "Wait, this was a terrible idea," they hear Andy screaming. They rush in, and Madame Doom strolls in through the curtain they have at a lot of butchers and crystal healers'. She apparently has not been helping much, as Andy is apparently dead, with an arrow through his chest. Except then he sits up, and reveals that BZ said that she'd said that she'd give him a Horror statuette if he pretended to be dead. Then MD drops a bombshell: the helpers are the hunters in reality. Wow, who would've guessed? In fact, Chiller gave them "Hunter Cards," not "Helper Cards." I don't fully understand the rules of this game, but I'm pretty sure that this is classified as cheating. As Ray suddenly realises that "Oh wait, we're complete idiots for not figuring that out," he grabs BZ's crystal ball and hurls it at her. She dives for it, and they run. Yeah, that's it. She lets them escape because they threw a ball at her. Madame Doom is apparently an 8 year old or something.

The gang, now fully back together (not that it matters, they've hardly done anything unique. They could be a hivemind and it wouldn't make a difference), make their way back to the Zombie Plaza. As they start discussing what to do next, a bunch of Security Horrors show up. They try and sort of explain their situation, and the Horrors eventually just decide to let them out so they can go home. They get to the gate, when the head guard asks the very good question of where their parents are. They claim that they're in the very empty parking lot, which the Horrors obviously don't buy. They decide to bring the kids to the security office until they locate their parents. Wait, standard safety procedures? In Horrorland? On the route, they pass the back of Chiller House, where they see Madame Doom, sitting at a desk. She takes her turban and make up off, revealing her to be... Jonathon Chiller.

No, wait, stay with me here. This, like a euthanised dog, goes to a better place. They all quickly realise that Jonathon Chiller is not only Madame Doom, but everyone else. Yeah, that's the big twist: Chiller was actually Murder the Clown, Chef Belcher, Mondo the Magical, Madame Doom, Winner Taikall, and Seymour Winn-doe. Don't worry, it's actually going to get better. As the guards continue taking the gang to the security office, they hear someone calling out for help, and run off towards.  the voice. After they've gone, Jessica reveals that it was just her, throwing her voice and doing something useful for a change. They nip into Chiller House, where JC awaits them, dressed like he just got out of the shower. Then, as they're about to confront Chiller, the guards return, knowing that they've been tricked. Then JC sends them out, and Jonny boy finally reveals his whole deal. The isolation throughout his childhood must've driven him half insane; at least, that's what I think. He wasn't allowed any real friends, so he had to make his own up, and play them himself. This whole game was to prove that he truly was a hunter, possibly due to the trauma sustained with the crossbow incident. He blocks the door to the back room, where the red chests are kept, but then Meg gets an idea, and picks up a robot, asking to see how it works. Chiller demonstrates for her and Marco, who's also been enquiring about some of the toys. As JC is distracted, Ray rushes to the back, grabs the chests, and chucks them to the others. Except there's a spanner in the works: they're all empty. As Chiller starts discussing the new games they're going to play (Wahey! That sounds a bit rude, doesn't it?), Ray gets an idea. He and the others grab the costumes and make-up bottles for Chiller's friends, and put them on quickly. Then they dance round him in the costumes, chanting "Goodbye, Jonathon Chiller." Yes, the climax is both stupid and essentially six 12-year olds mentally tormenting a 62 year old man. Chiller breaks down and screams for them to give his friends back, and gives them all the Horrors. I still don't fully get the rules, but I'm pretty sure that strategy is also classified as cheating. The gang squeeze the Horrors and go home, and everything's lovely once again.

EPILOGUE-Or is it?
After that ordeal, Jonathon Chiller has to stay up all night (Year 11s: "I know the feeling.") fixing up his shop. Putting the action figures back on the shelves, fixing the lunchbox displays, fixing his costumes which house his multiple personalities, y'know, standard stuff. And, the next morning, it looks as if nothing ever happened out of the ordinary. At least, at this shop. As the sun beats down, his first 2 customers of the day stroll in, and Chiller asks them to browse. Makes a change from him just strolling into the room, all atmospherically like. Then he asks if they'd like to take a little Horror home with them. I feel like you should advertise the free cost of, well, everything, rather than the creepy horror statuettes that nobody ever dumps in a bin, for some reason.

Extra Toppings
The whole incident seems to be linked to time travel, since Ray was only gone from home for a few seconds. This could, I think, clear up when this happens to everyone.

Any Questions?
What happened to Bizzaro Meg from Weirdo Halloween part 2? I feel like that would've been mediocrely resolved at the start.

Conclusion
The Horror at Chiller House would be alright... if Chiller wasn't in it, because he cranks it up to a "Very Good." (That's, like, a 7) The plot is fairly by-the-numbers, the characters are bland and don't have any unique contributions to the story, but Chiller is so well written, conveying a lot of intimidation and emotion at the same time. Overall, worth it just for him.
Next time: The Morrises and Clay are back for our final trip to Horrorland, after a pair of X-files rejects offer Mrs M. loads of cash.