Goosebumps Horrorland #17: The Wizard of Ooze

Blurb
Marco is a diehard fan of The Ooze, a comic book villain with the power to sludge his enemies. So when he finds a super-rare edition at the Chiller House gift shop, Marco is sure he has found something special for his collection.
Outside of HorrorLand there are a few other people interested in the comic book. The kinds of people you don't want to mess around with. Like a muscular monster of a man dressed as The Ooze. But if he's only wearing a costume, why does he leave an oily mess everywhere he goes? And why is he following Marco?

Plot
PART 1 - Tug-o-Snore
We open at a place that has caused many a moan from me: the Play Pen, the arcade where we were first introduced to Matt Daniels, my ink-and-paper nemesis. Marco Gonzalez and his best friend, Gabriella Grant (do best friends usually go on holiday with each other?) are at Horrorland. Marco explains that he and Gabriella are both comic fans, though Gabriella's more into horror comics, whilst Marco's more interested in superheroes.

Doctor Shark Tooth, Coyote Boy-X and The Ooze are my favourites.

Oh boy. Even Arm-Fall-Off Boy is laughing at these guys (probably). Marco has to get something for his little brother, Zeke, who couldn't come because he's sick. They come to a genuinely imaginative version of that (basically rigged) carnival game where you throw balls into buckets, in which the balls are painted to look like eyes, and you have to get them to stick into eye sockets to win a mediocre prize. Gabriella goes first and fails, but Marco defies all logic and manages to win the game. Uh oh. Any minute now the universe will be destroyed. Marco wins... a small piece of green fur. That's bad. Even for carnival game standards.

As Marco and Gabriella head towards Zombie Darts (which is just darts but with zombies insead of targets. Awesome.), they're met by a man called Winner Taikall ,the games master. He says he's here to take them to the good games, and Marco and Gabriella just accept. Again with this? They're taken to a small room in the back, where Winner unveils a game called 'Mystery Tug-of-War.' What's the mystery, you don't ask? Well, it wouldn't be a mystery if he told you, would it? The game starts, and Marco and Gabriella start losing almost immediately. To amplify how much they suck at this, there's nobody on the other end. No, really. They're that bad. As Marco and Gabriella pull harder and harder, the rope turns into a snake. Not again! Then it bites Marco. Luckily, the bites disappear. Marco and Gabriella immediately bombard Winner with questions which  he doesn't answer. He gives them a consolation prize: a 10% voucher for Chiller House. Given that Jonathon Chiller gives everything away for free, this raises the question that could explain this: what's 10% of nothing?

As Marco and Gabriella go back to the Play Pen, they sudenly notice that the door to Winner's game room has vanished. They ask a Monster Police officer where Winner Taikall is, but the officer calmy tells them that there's no Winner Taikall or games master at Horrorland. The good news is that we're getting an explanation for that in book 19. The bad news is that it's silly.

Marco and Gabriella browse Chiller House, with the usual assortment of awesome trinkets, like a fake nose that you can stick on your forehead, and a set of stickers one can put one's teeth (because shut up) that make them look holey and decayed. Suddenly, Marco spots a graphic novel about the Ooze (that guy he mentioned earlier), the supervillain with a heart of oil. The book is creatively titled The Wizard of Ooze. What a coincidence! I bought a copy of that earlier today! It doesn't actually say that, I just made it up. He's probably on the run from the US military because of it. The graphic novel details the Ooze's origin story, according to the shop's owner, Jonathon Chiller, and also has instructions in the back that tell you how to get superpowers. More deja vu, and we're not out of Horrorland yet! Eventually, Marco buys the graphic novel and the fake nose for Zeke. Well, I say 'buys': Chiller just gives him the book, the nose, and the horror statuette that he gives out with everything to him for free. I can see why this guy gives out gift cards.

PART 2-Oil Sick
Marco and Gabriella are in the car on the way home, reading the Wizard of Ooze. Partially because, well, I'll sum it up with this quote from The Car Trip by Michael Rosen:

Mum tries to be exciting. "Look out the window! There's a lamppost!"

Gabriella says that the superpowers bit at the back is probably a bunch of garbage that's about as true as the contents of an English lit essay, because, according to her, all the stuff in the back of graphic novels is just trash the writers put in to take up space. Somebody's never read the comic from the back of The Killing Joke. Also, a bookmark with something written on it in a foreign language, possibly middle eastern or asian, falls out. The only reason I even mentioned it is because it's relevant later. Alright, the only thing left in this scene is a herd of black sheep, let's move on.

The next day, Marco's reading the superpowers section in The Wizard of Ooze. I don't think that's in my copy. And of course, we're treated to extracts from this, but not the actual story. Marco turns to the first chapter, about the power of flight. Oh come on! Marco, actually believing this stuff, goes after 2 fresh bird feathers, since that's what you need to gain the power of flight. To acquire them, Marco takes the old Goosebumps standby: breaking into his neighbours pigeon loft and stealing some of their feathers. Then we're treated to a long, drawn out, Mission: Impossible style sequence of Marco getting the feathers. He then grabs some yeast (REALLY? REALLY?) and pours it onto his head. He climbs atop a chair and jumps off, floating up about 4 feet... and then he falls to the floor, crying that he's broken every bone in his body. And of course he just has a bloody nose. If that doesn't sum up half the chapter cliffhangers in Goosebumps, I don't know what will.

Marco next tries the power of super strength. The book claims that the strongest material in the world is.... kitchen wrap. And Marco must wrap himself in it. I can't see that going wrong. Marco then must break out of the kitchen wrap, which he does... and that somehow causes his muscles to swell to the size of this book's lack of the Ooze himself so far. We're a third of the way through, where is he? After the kitchen wrap and his clothes are destroyed, Marco loses his strength. Then he changes into pyjamas, because I guess he can't just put on some more clothes.

Marco starts to consider the power of water, when he suddenly gets a call from Gabriella about the comic con downtown which he'd somehow forgotten to mention until now. Marco gets changed, and he and Gabriella head down to the convention centre. They meet Cucumber and his sidekick, Carrot-Stick, the 2 most popular members of the Salad League of Mutants. Ok, Arm-Fall-Off Boy should now be eligible for the Justice League, given some of these characters. Suddenly, they spy a huge section dedicated to The Ooze, and his upcoming movie. Yeah. The Ooze, a B-list supervillain who's eligible for The Rogues at best, is getting his own movie. How do villains function in this universe? Marco and Gabriella browse various bits of Ooze merch, like an iPod holder made of Ooze, and check out the graphic novels. Mysteriously, though, The Wizard of Ooze isn't listed, and when Marco mentions it to Gabriella, a worker drags him off to a corner where they can't be heard. Why does this keep happening? The worker just asks if Marco wants to sell him his copy, since it seems that, like most comic book collectors, he cares more about the value of his comics than whether or not they're worth reading. Marco turns him down, so the guy just signs him up for the Ooze mailing list, which gets a bunch of lame merch delivered to his house. Suddenly, the Ooze (finally) shows up. OK, it's actually just a guy in a costume. (OR IS IT?[*thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening*]) He asks for the book, but Marco still turns him down. For some reason.

As Marco and Gabriella leave the con so that Gabriella can go walk her dog, The Ooze guy shows up, asking for the book once more. This is bordering on harassment by this point. He even threatens Marco with violence and stuff. Call the police! He also shows up on the bus. He doesn't actually do anything, but Marco is quick to accuse him of following him home. He doesn't even get off at their stop, he just glares at them a bit.

Back home, Marco discovers that The Wizard of Ooze has gone. I'd lend you my copy, but I'm kinda reading it at the moment. Luckily, it hasn't gone far: Zeke just nicked it. Gripping. After Mum makes Marco do the laundry, he starts reading the book AGAIN. He checks out the water powers section, which tells him to climb into a bathtub full of ice and cold water. And the imbecile actually tries it. And somehow turns into a puddle of water, yet retains sentience despite his lack of any organs whatsoever, yet alone a brain. Then again, there are many perfectly sentient people without brains on this Earth. Then he goes back to being a guy again. He starts getting confused about why the powers don't seem to click for him, because the book told him that every person has their own power that suits them. So, he does what anyone in his situation would do: give up.

He goes to take the book back to the comic con, but can't make it out the door. He's grounded because Zeke acted like Marco beat him up. Mum sends him to keep Zeke occupied. Why is the reader being punished? Luckily, Marco has a plan: take Zeke to the comic con. Without telling Mum. That's a terrible plan, but Marco never considers that, and off they go. As the 2 of them go round the con, with Marco looking for the guy who wanted to buy the book, they run into the guy in the Ooze costume. He asks for the book, and then starts dipping burning oil onto Marco's head before he can answer. Marco says that he'll give it to the Ooze, but he'd passed it to Zeke on the bus. And Zeke just ran off. I love how foolproof this plan was! The Ooze doesn't believe Marco's excuse, because he just never saw Zeke, I guess. Then we get this delightfully unawkward line:

"Too bad I have to ooze you!" he boomed.

 Luckily, Marco is surprisingly innocent for a year 7/8 student, but he puts 2 and 2 together and comes to the sane and logical conclusion that this guy is the real deal. That was both genuine and sarcastic at once. I've discovered a new way of speaking. Where's my Nobel Prize? As The Ooze rises up and prepares to murder a child, he's stopped by 5 or 6 kids asking for his autograph simultaneously. Marco uses this opportunity to run. He runs and runs... and is tackled by a kid in a purple monster mask, causing him to break his elbow. It's Zeke. Marco grabs him and starts to run, when they're approached by a guy on fire. He grabs the book and legs it. What a jerk. Marco and Zeke beat Mum and Dad home by 10 minutes, and agree not to tell them about the day's events... because they wouldn't believe them. What madness is this?

That night, Marco has a pointless dream sequence that I'm not going to write about, and wakes up... with The Ooze standing over him, demanding the book. Don't you think you're getting a little obsessive, mate? As the Ooze once more prepares to murder a child, Marco screams for his parents, and the Ooze splits. After Marco's parents just tell him off a bit, he goes back to sleep... except he wakes up quickly when another guy appears, standing over him. It's the flaming dude from earlier who stole the book. The flaming guy asks for 'it,' but Marco has absolutely no idea what he's on about. So, he gets out a tiny fire extinguisher... which he has... and shoots the guy with it. He leaves, and nothing of value was lost. Except the time I've wasted with this scene!

The next day, Marco arranges to meet up with Gabriella after school behind The Dairy Freeze, Goosebumps' only chain business. She doesn't show, but The Ooze does. He asks where 'it' is, and prepares for the 3rd time in the past 24 hours to murder the same child. Then, in yet more cribbing from previous books, Marco pretends that he actually gained superpowers in the bathtub full of ice (top 10 superhero origin stories), and is now The Tidal Wave! Eh. It's a better name than anything else I've heard this time. "Show me what you got," says The Ooze, and The Tidal Wave somehow obliges. But, as The Tidal Wave is about to crush the Ooze, his powers stop working and he crashes to the floor. However, due to something called 'The Code of Superpowers,' The Ooze has to give Marco (NOT The Tidal Wave) a second chance. And it involves a guy called The Fabulous Flame; the guy who was on fire. In fact, The Fabulous Flame is the guy who tried to buy the book from Marco at the first day of comic con. The Ooze's task is simple: put out the Fabulous Flame. Yeah, I don't have high hopes for Marco, especially after the first time he tried to do so.

The Ooze takes Marco to The Fabulous Flame's house (he has a civilian identity), where he says that Marco will splash The Fabulous Flame with water, whilst The Ooze will grab the book. So, Marco goes to confront The Fabulous Flame, who goes to attack Marco. So, Marco uses his 10 second water powers to attack the villain. He escapes Marco's grasp, though, and comes in for the kill. Luckily, Marco grabs a nearby hose, and takes out the villain. The Ooze shows up with the book.. and turns on Marco. Turns out that whole 'Code of Superpowers' nonsense was made up. However, as The Ooze goes in for the kill, Gabriella shows up. Turns out that she'd memorised the pages detailing how to get superpowers (nerrrrrd), and mastered the (10 second) power of the wind, proclaiming herself to be The Human Tornado. She spins around on one leg, sending a light draft at The Ooze. Which does absolutely nothing. The Fabulous Flame reignites, and he and The Ooze advance on Marco and Gabriella. Suddenly, Zeke shows up, carrying the bookmark. I hope you remember that like I told you to. Here's the kicker: you have to read the incomprehensible text on the bookmark in order for the powers to last more than 10 seconds. Zeke's powers? The ability to rob people of gravity. And he proceeds to send The Ooze and The Fabulous Flame flying into space. So, he technically just murdered them.

Later, Marco goes into Zeke's room, looking for the bookmark. However, Zeke catches him and sticks him to the ceiling. The end. That's it. Well, aside from the Horror statuette teleporting Marco back to Chiller House. Again. Nobody cares anymore.

Extra Toppings
The Ooze's catchphrase is "Know what I mean?" How creative. He can't even come up with an oil-related pun?

Any Questions?
How did The Ooze and The Fabulous Flame come into the real world? It's never even addressed. In fact, better question: Why should I care?

Conclusion
The Wizard of Ooze is meh. There's nothing special about it. The other Goosebumps books about comic supervillains have been great (and half of those I've never shut up about), but this one just cribs a lot from other books, and has nothing special that could set it apart from the other books in the arc. Overall, skippable, and the £2.74 I spent on it were definitely wasted. I could've downloaded Addams Family Values again, for Pete's sake!

Next Time: Molly Maniac! Ballistic Beth! And the first grisly death of Matt Daniels!