Nothing beats Halloween. It's Drew Brockman's favourite holiday of the year. And this year will be awesome. [Can we have a sentence with a conjunction, please?] Much better than last year. Or the year Lee and Tabby played that joke. A nasty practical joke on Drew and her best friend, Walker. [Full stops!!!!]
Yes, this year, Drew and Walker have a plan. A plan for revenge. It involves 2 scary pumpkin heads. [Well, I didn't expect it to involve commas.] But something's gone wrong. Way wrong. Because the pumpkin heads are a little too scary. [Oh, boo hoo!] A little too real. [HOW?] With strange hissing voices. And flames shooting out of their faces... [That's not scary; quite contrarily, it's awesome!]
Pre-review comments
Sorry, JonTron.
Wow, here's me, writing 3 Halloween-themed reviews... in April.
The preceding new section was sponsored by absolutely no-one.
Plot
Drew Walker is nicknamed 'Elf' by her father, not because she likes overrated Christmas films starring Will Ferrel, but rather because she is short and thin and... other elfish things. I guess we know what happened to Chris' Spock ears in Weirdo Halloween. Drew is borderline obsessed with Halloween; she makes the Whovians look like casual fans. Drew hangs out with her best friend Walker Parkes (it'll be disappointing if he grows up to be anything other than a groundskeeper), and the improbably named twins, Shane and Shana Martin. Pay extremely close attention to those 2, and not because they make Fat Amy look like your average model. (Don't worry, that's the only fat joke in this review) Halloween is always being ruined by 2 jerks, Tabby Weiss and Lee Walker. I feel that we all need to see this small extract in this book for 9-year olds.
2 years ago, Lee invited Drew and Walker to his Halloween party. Drew and Walker make sure it's a real Halloween party, as opposed to the lame kind you find in the back of the Poundland, by inquiring if there will be bobbing for apples and cider-wait what? A) What kind of party for 10-year-olds has alcohol of any kind? B) Even if they were allowed alcohol, or a bit older than 10 (14, let's say), they would be using vodka, not cider!
Anyway, at the party, Drew went as a Klingon (wooooooo) Tabby, who was dressed as a princess (I think we just reached the bottom of the American Halloween barrel), mockingly asked if Drew came as a mouse. Tabby, I think you should've been at Specsavers rather than Lee's house. (For reference, here is a picture of a Klingon from the time period this was written in):
I think this is the first time I've ever used context of a book in my daily life. Lee appeared dressed as Batman (still better than George Clooney, I guess), and greeted his guests. Suddenly, there was a loud thumping from the basement (in fairness, I suppose the pipes are more spooky than Tabby's costume), and Lee asked if anyone else heard the noise. With Tabby's eyesight, I'd be surprised if they did. Walker suggested calling the cops, but Lee said that he'd tried that, and the line was dead. Because that's how 911 works. Suddenly, 2 figures in motorcycle jackets, one in a ski mask and the other in a gorilla mask, appeared from the basement (Lee's not the only Batman around here, it would seem) hollering 'PARTY TIME!" Oh no, it's a pair of rapping dogs! They then performed terrifying deeds, like... making everyone do press-ups. Is this actually a party for the bottom PE set? Suddenly, Drew noticed Tabby and Lee standing next to the masked men. Turns out they were just high school kids who'd pretended to break into someone's house (probably not that bad, given this series), and hold a bunch of 10 year olds hostage.
The next year, Drew, Walker, Shane, and Shanna (oh yeah, they're in this story) hatched various plots to get vengeance on Tabby and Lee. Suffice to say, none of them were that good. Most of them involved slime and/or fake blood on the unrealistically creative pranksters (though, in fairness, the drawing pin on the seat gag is unrealistically creative for my generation). They planned to get revenge at the Halloween party that they're throwing. Alright, this one had better have vodka! However, at the party, Tabby called Drew up to say that she and Lee weren't coming. Then the big blob of slime above the couch that was supposed to drop on Tabby and Lee (in fairness, that was always a given) fell on the couch and burnt a hole in it. Because science. Also, I don't think Tabby and Lee did anything. Technically, Drew ruined Halloween herself.
So, we're finally back to the present. Drew, Walker, Tabby, and Lee go out trick-or-treating. I have no idea where Shane and Shana are. They head to a neighbourhood called the Willows, where they receive a traditionally dreadful trick-or-treating haul. At the last house, they come across an old woman who invites them inside. Because these are intelligent people (wow, oxymorons!), they enter, to find a bunch of crying kids. Isn't this a Monty Python sketch? And then Drew stops daydreaming because Walker, Shane, and Shana arrive at her house.
So, all of the stuff I've covered so far, except chapter 1, isn't the actual plot of the book. God, I love literature! In fact, it's not even Halloween yet! Yeah, Drew, Walker, Shane, and Shana are busy planning their revenge on Tabby and Lee. I guess the high school kids disappeared off the face of the planet the day after the first flashback. The twins come up with a plan that isn't revealed to the audience (actually, I like that), and everyone, whilst considering it way too scary, agrees to go along with it. However, there's a spanner in the works: Drew's mum isn't letting her go trick-or-treating! (Dun-dun-duuun!) Is Drew really vital to the plan? Can't Walker just do it himself? (Spoiler alert: Yes, he totally could've.) Why? People throughout town have been disappearing. Well, OK, 4 people, but still. This is surprisingly good parenting. However, Drew points out that all the victims were fat, so she should be fine. If people weren't grabbing the pitchforks and torches before, they sure are now. Luckily, Drew's (probably incredibly insensitive) dad is totally OK with his tiny, vulnerable daughter going out on the scariest night of the year unsupervised. There were literal clowns running around with knives 2 years ago, and that same year my best friend and I almost encountered some sort of malicious entity! Halloween is about as safe as getting into How I Met Your Mother (I've never been the same since. It's been 2 days, at time of writing)!
They invite Tabby and Lee (they're so boring, I'd already forgotten they were in this. They're the villains!) to go trick-or-treating. We're less than 5 minutes in, and there's already a chance this could go wrong. Luckily, Tabby and Lee accept, for some reason. At least we won't need another couch.
Halloween night, Walker shows up in a genuinely creative costume: a dark and stormy night. He's dressed in black and shoots Drew with a water pistol. We're having the best and worst of American Halloween in the same book, yet 2 years apart. Woah. Drew is wearing a terrible superhero costume made of blue tights (who owns blue tights aside from dance students?) and a tablecloth. They head over to meet Tabby and Lee... where they are ambushed by 2 strange creatures. Oh, great, the clowns are back! Actually, it's another sort of clown - the high school kids from 2 years ago, playing a prank on them. Eh. It's as funny as anything else people that age do. The high school kids run off to go scare some more kids (oh great, it's Brandon and Cal. Again), as Tabby and Lee show up. Shane and Shana never show up, so they go off without them. Thinking about it, the plan itself doesn't require them meeting up with the gang anyway. (How very ominous and rather typical)
As everyone collects their traditionally lame hauls from the houses they visit (haven't we already done this?), they suddenly encounter 2 robed figures, wearing pumpkin heads. Drew tells us that these 2 are just Shane and Shana in disguises. OK, where are they going with this? (he says, knowing full well where they're going with this. No, it's still as obvious as them murdering Tabby and Lee with only margarine) However, Tabby and Lee have guessed this as well. Wow, I can see why we weren't told this plan beforehand! (OK, I'll shut up about it now) The twins shoot fire out of their mouths, but Tabby and Lee are about as scared as people watching a modern horror movie with all the jumpscares cut out. The twins then start to lead the gang to another neighbourhood. Drew and Walker start to doubt whether or not these are the twins, but keep going in case they're improvising. Boy, Drew is waaay too trusting.
The gang are taken to a neighbourhood behind the woods. And, in the greatest suspension of disbelief ever presented in this series (so far), they get loads of great candy. Witchcraft! More fitting than Tabby's Halloween costume from 2 years ago. No, I'm still not over that. Eventually, everyone gets tired of trick-or-treating, surprisingly, after more than an hour. However, the Jack O' Lanterns are all "Nah, man, you gotta keep this up forever." Suddenly looking at the album art for the X Factor by Iron Maiden doesn't seem like the worst way to spend forever.
Eventually, it's 11 at night, and the gang are all getting pretty sick of trick or treating. What are your parents thinking right now? The Jack O' Lanterns finally relent, because the gang's bags are full (what is this madness?)... and make them eat all the candy. That's a lot of fizzers and mini fudges to get through. So, the gang start gorging themselves on lame candy (I hope they've recorded this evening's Graham Norton), and become incredibly ill. Plus, I'm pretty sure they're dentists are going to stab them all with those things that they jab in your mouths (I have no idea what they're called). Tabby's got bits of puked up chocolate in her hair, and stuff. Pants officially darkened. Eventually, after everyone collapses from illness, the Jack O' Lanterns (Sod it, JOLs) allow them to stop eating... and start trick or treating. I empathise with these characters, I'm sick of this too.
The JOLs take the gang to a new neighbourhood (make it stop), where they can trick or treat forever. Reader beware, you're in for a scare.And of course the neighbourhood is filled with more JOLs. Suddenly, Drew gets an idea: what if they refuse to trick or treat? The answer is simple: the JOLs make a noise like an X Factor contestant with laryngitis, summoning all the other JOLs, who surround them. They tell the kids that they're going to give them new heads, producing 4 pumpkin heads from, I don't know, their TARDISes. They proceed to shove the pumpkin heads onto Tabby and Lee, who run off into the night. Don't worry, I'm sure there's a nearby bus stop.
Drew and Walker scream as the JOLs raise the pumpkins over their heads... and then they begin to laugh, as Shane and Shana remove their disguises. Yep, this entire story was the prank that they set up for their revenge on Tabby and Lee. That seemed needlessly elaborate.
How did Shane and Shana pull this off, you don't ask? Well, they're actually shape shifting aliens. As were all the other JOLs. Yep. It's that sort of ending.gyt6,l Sorry, I was just bashing my head on the keyboard in frustration. But wait! There's even more! Please let me go. The best part, claims Drew, is that she and Walker get all the candy, since Shane and Shana don't eat candy. Drew then enquires as to what the twins eat. They reply by implying that they eat humans. But not the skinny ones (ie Drew). And here's me, thinking that the Slitheen were behind the disappearances!
Automatic Get Out of Jail Free Card
Technically, none of this had a point, but all the same, the whole situation could've been avoided if they'd just, I don't know, beat up Tabby and Lee at school. Or better still, just turn the other cheek after the first year.
Any Questions?
Again, why didn't they take revenge on the high school kids? They're the ones who did everything. Or are we saving that for the sequel?
Also, why didn't Drew tell us that the twins were aliens until after Tabby and Lee ran off? I feel like that would've been relevant. And yeah, I know, storytelling and all, but logically, it makes absolutely no sense!
Conclusion
This may just be the 2nd worst book I've ever had to cover for this blog (after Monster Blood for Breakfast, of course). There is no point to anything in the story, given that everything is a flashback, a dream sequence, or a needlessly elaborate prank. All the characters are forgettable, aside from Shane and Shana, so I guess they are the best part of the book, since the revelation that they eat humans is genuinely disturbing and isn't that pointless. Overall, if you want a good Goosebumps Halloween story, just go read The Haunted Mask again.
The girls at school all think [Lee's] terrific. But I can never understand a word he says.Bare in mind that Lee is African-American. (Don't worry, I won't make jokes about that either). How do Tabby and Lee set about ruining Drew's Halloween, you ask? To answer that, we must delve into the beautiful realm of flashback-topia, where we are going to spend the first 3rd of the book. Hoo boy.
2 years ago, Lee invited Drew and Walker to his Halloween party. Drew and Walker make sure it's a real Halloween party, as opposed to the lame kind you find in the back of the Poundland, by inquiring if there will be bobbing for apples and cider-wait what? A) What kind of party for 10-year-olds has alcohol of any kind? B) Even if they were allowed alcohol, or a bit older than 10 (14, let's say), they would be using vodka, not cider!
Anyway, at the party, Drew went as a Klingon (wooooooo) Tabby, who was dressed as a princess (I think we just reached the bottom of the American Halloween barrel), mockingly asked if Drew came as a mouse. Tabby, I think you should've been at Specsavers rather than Lee's house. (For reference, here is a picture of a Klingon from the time period this was written in):
So, we're finally back to the present. Drew, Walker, Tabby, and Lee go out trick-or-treating. I have no idea where Shane and Shana are. They head to a neighbourhood called the Willows, where they receive a traditionally dreadful trick-or-treating haul. At the last house, they come across an old woman who invites them inside. Because these are intelligent people (wow, oxymorons!), they enter, to find a bunch of crying kids. Isn't this a Monty Python sketch? And then Drew stops daydreaming because Walker, Shane, and Shana arrive at her house.
They invite Tabby and Lee (they're so boring, I'd already forgotten they were in this. They're the villains!) to go trick-or-treating. We're less than 5 minutes in, and there's already a chance this could go wrong. Luckily, Tabby and Lee accept, for some reason. At least we won't need another couch.
Halloween night, Walker shows up in a genuinely creative costume: a dark and stormy night. He's dressed in black and shoots Drew with a water pistol. We're having the best and worst of American Halloween in the same book, yet 2 years apart. Woah. Drew is wearing a terrible superhero costume made of blue tights (who owns blue tights aside from dance students?) and a tablecloth. They head over to meet Tabby and Lee... where they are ambushed by 2 strange creatures. Oh, great, the clowns are back! Actually, it's another sort of clown - the high school kids from 2 years ago, playing a prank on them. Eh. It's as funny as anything else people that age do. The high school kids run off to go scare some more kids (oh great, it's Brandon and Cal. Again), as Tabby and Lee show up. Shane and Shana never show up, so they go off without them. Thinking about it, the plan itself doesn't require them meeting up with the gang anyway. (How very ominous and rather typical)
As everyone collects their traditionally lame hauls from the houses they visit (haven't we already done this?), they suddenly encounter 2 robed figures, wearing pumpkin heads. Drew tells us that these 2 are just Shane and Shana in disguises. OK, where are they going with this? (he says, knowing full well where they're going with this. No, it's still as obvious as them murdering Tabby and Lee with only margarine) However, Tabby and Lee have guessed this as well. Wow, I can see why we weren't told this plan beforehand! (OK, I'll shut up about it now) The twins shoot fire out of their mouths, but Tabby and Lee are about as scared as people watching a modern horror movie with all the jumpscares cut out. The twins then start to lead the gang to another neighbourhood. Drew and Walker start to doubt whether or not these are the twins, but keep going in case they're improvising. Boy, Drew is waaay too trusting.
The gang are taken to a neighbourhood behind the woods. And, in the greatest suspension of disbelief ever presented in this series (so far), they get loads of great candy. Witchcraft! More fitting than Tabby's Halloween costume from 2 years ago. No, I'm still not over that. Eventually, everyone gets tired of trick-or-treating, surprisingly, after more than an hour. However, the Jack O' Lanterns are all "Nah, man, you gotta keep this up forever." Suddenly looking at the album art for the X Factor by Iron Maiden doesn't seem like the worst way to spend forever.
Eventually, it's 11 at night, and the gang are all getting pretty sick of trick or treating. What are your parents thinking right now? The Jack O' Lanterns finally relent, because the gang's bags are full (what is this madness?)... and make them eat all the candy. That's a lot of fizzers and mini fudges to get through. So, the gang start gorging themselves on lame candy (I hope they've recorded this evening's Graham Norton), and become incredibly ill. Plus, I'm pretty sure they're dentists are going to stab them all with those things that they jab in your mouths (I have no idea what they're called). Tabby's got bits of puked up chocolate in her hair, and stuff. Pants officially darkened. Eventually, after everyone collapses from illness, the Jack O' Lanterns (Sod it, JOLs) allow them to stop eating... and start trick or treating. I empathise with these characters, I'm sick of this too.
The JOLs take the gang to a new neighbourhood (make it stop), where they can trick or treat forever. Reader beware, you're in for a scare.And of course the neighbourhood is filled with more JOLs. Suddenly, Drew gets an idea: what if they refuse to trick or treat? The answer is simple: the JOLs make a noise like an X Factor contestant with laryngitis, summoning all the other JOLs, who surround them. They tell the kids that they're going to give them new heads, producing 4 pumpkin heads from, I don't know, their TARDISes. They proceed to shove the pumpkin heads onto Tabby and Lee, who run off into the night. Don't worry, I'm sure there's a nearby bus stop.
Drew and Walker scream as the JOLs raise the pumpkins over their heads... and then they begin to laugh, as Shane and Shana remove their disguises. Yep, this entire story was the prank that they set up for their revenge on Tabby and Lee. That seemed needlessly elaborate.
Automatic Get Out of Jail Free Card
Technically, none of this had a point, but all the same, the whole situation could've been avoided if they'd just, I don't know, beat up Tabby and Lee at school. Or better still, just turn the other cheek after the first year.
Any Questions?
Again, why didn't they take revenge on the high school kids? They're the ones who did everything. Or are we saving that for the sequel?
Also, why didn't Drew tell us that the twins were aliens until after Tabby and Lee ran off? I feel like that would've been relevant. And yeah, I know, storytelling and all, but logically, it makes absolutely no sense!
Conclusion
This may just be the 2nd worst book I've ever had to cover for this blog (after Monster Blood for Breakfast, of course). There is no point to anything in the story, given that everything is a flashback, a dream sequence, or a needlessly elaborate prank. All the characters are forgettable, aside from Shane and Shana, so I guess they are the best part of the book, since the revelation that they eat humans is genuinely disturbing and isn't that pointless. Overall, if you want a good Goosebumps Halloween story, just go read The Haunted Mask again.
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