Goosebumps Horrorland #14: Little Shop of Hamsters

Why are all their eyes off-centre?

Blurb
Sam desperately wants a pet. Too bad his parents don't think he's responsible enough and will barely let him keep the weird Insta-Gro animal from the HorrorLand gift shop. To prove he's responsible, Sam takes an after-school job in a pet store that sells nothing but hamsters. To his horror, Sam soon finds that cute little hamsters can become very UNCUTE monsters. Suddenly Sam isn't fighting for a pet---he's fighting to survive! Could the HorrorLand souvenir have anything to do with this?

Plot
Feeeeeed me, Chiller! Right, there's my obligatory Little Shop of Horrors joke. Let's get going.

PART 1-Shrimp Swamping
We open in Horrorland, and honestly, it's not that bad to begin with. Then again, that's to be expected, since the Horrorland segments have typically been fun (well, since the reboot in 2008, anyway). Sam Waters is obsessed with getting a pet. Lexi, his best friend, is always energetic and never contributing much to the story. After visiting the Werewolf Petting Zoo, one of the many genuinely creative ideas created by this series, Lexi and Sam rip their map in half and go to the Spear-It Cafe for lunch. Even Horrorland isn't safe from the invading kebab houses, it would appear.

The Spear-It Cafe also seems to be violating a few health codes, with bogies on the forks and stuff. Sadly, this doesn't lead into a massive, reader-interactive game of bogies. The Chef/Waiter/Jack-of-all-Restaurant-themed-and-culinary-trades, Chef Belcher, enters, telling them not to make fun of his name. I like him already. Sam eventually orders the Shrimp Basket, despite the fact that shrimps are not traditionally good pets. After discussing what rides to go on next, both of which previously featured in this series and were incredibly dangerous, Chef Belcher emerges from the kitchen carrying Sam's shrimp basket. And the shrimp's still alive. Apparently, since this is the Spear-It Cafe, you're supposed to spear your food to death. And then the shrimps jump on Sam and start eating him or something. Is this book just themed around killer versions of utterly non-threatening animals? Luckily, Chef Belcher comes back out and pours hot sauce on the shrimps, causing them to fall off. Wait, what did I just write? Sam and Lexi run out of the Spear-It Cafe, despite the fact that Chef Belcher says that they've won a free dessert. Killer shrimps or not, you don't pass up on free dessert.

Sam and Lexi come across Chiller House, and the atmosphere is of course excellent, with all sorts of creepy items on the shelves. As Sam starts wondering if anyone works here, Jonathon Chiller, the store's delightfully chilling owner, emerges from the shadows. He says that he hopes that they didn't order Chef Belcher's shrimp (this is a clever little hint to something that's revealed later on in the finale). Lexi comes across something called an Insta-Gro Pet, and offers to buy it for Sam. Sam also gets a fake phone, creatively named the Phoney Phone, which dispenses candy. He claims that it's great for sneaking into school, since you can eat candy all day and no-one will notice. I'm pretty sure schools hate phones more than people eating candy in lessons, but if anyone stopped to question it, this week's obvious fake-out wouldn't happen. Sam and Lexi buy the 2 plot points, and Chiller gives Sam another free Horror doll, saying that Sam can pay him next time he sees him. again, Jonathon Chiller has a terrible head for business.  

PART 2-Ham-Stirring Up Trouble
As Sam and Lexi are walking home from tennis practise a few days later, Sam's eating some of the candy out of his phone (out-of-context alert). Suddenly, the 2 spy a new pet store called the Little Shop of Hamsters (At least we're getting to the point quickly this time). Sam proceeds to presumably have his brain explode from too much dopamine, and he and Lexi enter. There's a cage of hamsters larger than Lexi's bedroom, because of course there is. How are you supposed to purchase one of the hamsters without them all escaping then? Suddenly, as Sam and Lexi are just looking at the hamsters (and like idiots, probably), they see a giant hamster. These cliffhangers are getting worse and worse. It's just a bloke in a hamster costume. Don't know why he was wearing it; can't be for advertising, he's already in the shop. There are no giant hamsters in this story... yet. The man in the hamster suit (don't remember that James Bond film) introduces himself as Mr Fitz. He offers Sam a hamster, but Sam reveals that his parents won't let him have a pet until he proves his responsibility. Thus, Mr Fritz offers Sam a job instead. Don't accept it Sam! You're under 25; that's young enough for Fritz to pay you almost nothing! Sam says that he'll consider it, regardless of the inevitably bad wages, and Mr Fitz gives the pair of them a bottle of his own brand of vitamin water called Vito-Vigour. So, Poundland started selling obvious fake outs now?

Sam and Lexi start walking home. Except Lexi stole one of the hamsters for Sam. I didn't want to play this card too early on, but

I'm going to regret doing it this early.

Sam heads back to the shop, which is closed. And unlocked, for some reason. Why not just write "ROB US," on the window while you're at it, Fitz? So, Sam goes back in to return the stolen hamster (oddly enough, that's not the dumbest thing I've written so far), where the cage is also unlocked. The Command Centre from Power Rangers had better security than this place! Then the hamster starts eating the candy out of the phone in his pocket. Let's all marvel at what I just had to write. And then all the hamsters escape. I can tell that Sam's going to be a valuable asset to this establishment. After Sam finally gets the first hamster out of his pocket, Mr Fitz shows up and asks what the hell's going on. Sam claims that Lexi accidentally got a hamster caught on her jacket, so he came to return it. This is eerily similar to Sherlock episode 1, except with hamster theft (*snort*) instead of shooting an old man with an aneurysm who the sidekick probably didn't even know was guilty. Mr Fitz lets Sam off, so he gets to keep his job. And nothing much happens, and the sun goes down over the mountains.

OK, not really. Lexi comes over for tea, and we're introduced to Sam's obligatorily annoying little brother, Noah. He's going to regret it when that mask gets attached to his face at the end! Noah laughs at anything that happens. You name it: shoving string beans up his nose, spilling his apple juice, The Cat in the Hat movie. Sam, of course, asks his Mum about getting a pet for the theoretical 12,034,759,438,003rd time, and she says that they could run some tests to see if he's responsible. Noah recommends that he could pretend to be Sam's pet, so Mum, Dad, and Lexi all laugh. Then he gets down on all fours and bites Sam's arm. "Thank you, Thank you, I'll be here all week!" he says. Lexi gets an idea to distract Noah, and pulls out one of the Insta-Gro pets and drops it into Noah's apple juice. That'll probably have him rolling in the aisles. The Insta-Gro pet grows... and grows... and grows, until it's the size of a t-Rex. Then it falls over. Luckily, it's not very heavy, I guess. Then it shrinks again. Sam gets blamed, despite the fact that he didn't do anything. Sam wisely chucks the Insta-Gro Pet into the bin, and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that!

Not long after, a few days later, Mum and Dad go out, and leave Sam in charge of watching Noah as the first of his aforementioned tests to prove his responsibility. Lexi pops round, because of course she does, and apologizes for the fiasco with the Insta-Gro Pet. Speaking of which, Sam then walks in on Noah about to eat an Insta-Gro Pet in an attempt to grow big. This would be a character's origin story if they ever made a sequel to Superhero Movie. Noah puts it into his mouth, and it doesn't start immediately, despite the fact that his saliva should've activated it, causing it to expand and presumably kill him. Sam yanks it out of Sam's mouth and chucks it to Lexi, who puts it in her pocket. To take Noah's mind off the whole thing, Sam gives him some candy from his phone (why couldn't it have just been a normal candy dispenser, like a Yoda-shaped one?), when his Mum walks in and tells him off. She has been gone for an unnaturally short time.

The next day, Sam hurries from school to the Little Shop of Hamsters, and asks for an after-school job. Mr Fitz says, "Yeah, OK," and tells him of his job: to feed the hamsters and various other chores. And of course his wages are minuscule. Called it! Suddenly, Lexi comes in, for some reason, and Sam tells her of his news. Lexi asks for a job, so Mr Fitz gives her the job of dressing up in the hamster suit and attracting customers. And she'll get paid a measly $2 for every customer that she brings in. Lexi is waaaay too enthusiastic about this, thinks Sam and everyone reading this. Then Lexi, who'd been browsing the hamsters in the cage a few seconds ago, accidentally leaves the door open and the hamsters start escaping. Putting them all in the same cage really paid off, didn't it, Mr Fitz? Lexi and Sam start shoving the escaping hamsters back into their one giant cage (it's like if we put all the really bad school children in one - oh wait), when Sam steps on one and squashes it.  Except, wait, it's not a hamster at all-it's a sponge. (Top 10 anime plot twists) They get all the hamsters back in the cage just before Mr Fitz comes back in, and they start work. Apparently, when cleaning out the hamsters and whatnot, the hamsters are not removed, because that's perfectly safe. As Lexi goes out in the hamster suit, Sam gets to work changing the wood shavings in the cage. Then, the hamster that Lexi stole earlier comes up to Sam, and it looks mad. Probably because he's getting footprints all over his nice clean wood shavings. Sam gives him some more candy out of his phone (why), but another hamster snatches it first. Hey, wait your turn! Then they start fighting, and the government regrets not being more universal with the outlawing of cock-baiting and bear-baiting. (*sneakily slides bloke in charge a tenner*) I'll put that on Freckle-Face, please, mate. Sam rips the 2 hamsters apart and quickly exits, realising that the candy from the phone (make it stop) is causing them to go feral. And then on the way home he realises that he left the phone in the cage. Well, at least hamsters can't actually use the thing because-they're not going to acknowledge that fact, are they.

The next day, after school, Sam sets off to the Little shop of Hamsters, only to be interrupted by Lexi before he even makes it across the street. And she's in her bloody hamster suit. She brought it with her to show to her drama class, which they all genuinely thought was cool. I'd complain, but I have to put up with modern day people their age every day, so I'm not that surprised. At the store, as Lexi distracts Mr Fritz, Sam sneaks into the hamster cage to grab the phone.Then we get this imperishable bit of dialogue:

Was that a growl? A hamster growl?

Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Mr Fitz notices Sam in the cage, so Sam tells him that he's merely working. Mr Fitz buys it, and Sam continues in his quest. He finds the phone, only to discover that it's empty. and then the hamsters encircle him "threateningly." Sam would love to meet Cooper Holmes sometime, because he's rather afraid. Luckily, Mr Fitz shows up and asks what he was doing. Again. Sam merely says that he was playing with the hamsters, despite the fact that he clearly wasn't. Mr Fitz believes this, because he's an imbecile, and Sam runs home under the pretense that he feels a bit ill. Was there any point to that scene whatsoever?

At home later, Sam's on the phone (the actual phone, not the one that dispenses obvious fake-outs) to Lexi, and she suggests calling customer service on the phone which dispenses candy. This shouldn't be as confusing as it is. So, Sam calls customer service (*shudders*) and gets put through to a Mr Dover. Sam tells him the whole story, and Mr D. responds by telling him that the orange candies weren't supposed to be sold, because someone accidentally put a flesh-decaying chemical into them. 

Turns out it was a joke, told solely because Mr D. thought that Sam was joking. In fairness, orange candy that turns the hamsters in an shop that sells nothing but hamsters into feral killing machines is a pretty stupid story. I mean, it'd flop if it was publi - oh wait.

After school, Sam walks to the Little Shop of Hamsters, and engages in some pathetic fallacy that's so unsubtle that he good as points it out. At the shop, Sam tells Mr Fitz the whole story about the candy turning the hamsters into feral killing machines that we're all sick of by this point. Mr Fitz calmly responds by telling Sam to get into the cage. Because that's his job, you see. Turns out Mr Fitz had an iPod in the whole time, and couldn't hear anything that Sam was saying. Rude. Sam goes into the cage to change the wood shavings, when the hamsters once more encircle him "threateningly." Then they attack... each other. Oh dear, here come all the hamster schoolchildren, attempting to get a glimpse of the battle. I'll be honest, though, I want to see this in all its violent, silly glory. Sam attempts to break up the fight (spoilsport), but the hamsters attack him instead. With no other options, Sam tries to make a tactical withdrawal, but the door's stuck. Oh, now Mr Fitz decide to lock it!

As Lexi somehow doesn't notice Sam, despite his numerous attempts to get her attention, Sam remembers the Insta-Gro Pets that he kept in his pocket in order to hide them from Noah, because they just fell out. A hamster grabs one, eats it, and, instead of being ripped apart physically by the creature, starts to grow. It squeezes out of the cage... somehow... and grabs Sam, slamming him around the place. And Lexi still doesn't notice. As he starts to black out, Sam grabs the remaining Insta-Gro Pet, and gobbles it up like a chocolate eclair. He grows too. It doesn't go well , and Sam is only spared from certain death when the Insta-Gro Pets wear off. After an entire chapter is spent talking about how it wore off, Mr Fitz shows up.

Sam explains about how the candy turned the hamsters into feral killing machines (please stop), and Mr Fitz gladly explains that he got the whole thing on video. Make sure to put a red circle in the thumbnail, it'll garner more attention. Turns out it wasn't the candy that turned the hamsters into ruthless killing machines (*comedically exaggerated gasp*): it was the Vito-Vigour. It's not Poundland vitamin water at all: it's an anger stimulant. His whole plan might just be the stupidest one I've ever come across: he plans to found the WHWL. Or, we could call it by its full name: The Worldwide Hamster Wrestling League. Not gonna lie - I would totally watch that. And then, Mr Fitz will be rich. He even plans on selling them to the military and consequently losing my interest in the whole project. Mr Fitz begins to grill Sam about how he got the hamster to grow, saying that with that technology, he could rule the world and convince everyone that he's gone completely off his rocker round the bend and the twist. Then Lexi comes in, still unaware of anything that's just happened, distracting Mr Fitz long enough for Sam to break free. He opens the cage (dammit, not again) and the hamsters escape, swarming over Mr Fitz. And then, to make room for the twist and the exact same ending as the last book, the story suddenly grinds to a halt. Lexi remarks about how she's thirsty, and reveals that she drank, like, 12 bottles of Vito-Vigour. Then she bites Sam. You're really not setting a good example for Noah, here!

After a day or so, when the Vito-Vigour wears off, Sam reveals that he does't want a pet. Wait, character development? In a Goosebumps book? What madness is this? It doesn't really matter, though, as the Horror doll which Chiller gave him starts glowing. Suddenly, he's teleported back to Chiller House. Yada yada yada, Chiller reveals that they need to wait for the others, and the book ends. It's part 2 and it's already repetitive.

Any Questions?
If Mr Fitz was experimenting with the hamsters and the Vito-Vigour, why would he set up a shop? And employ people? What was his plan if a person (ie Lexi) drank the Vito-Vigour?

Conclusion
Little Shop of Hamsters is... OK. (*dives into bomb shelter*) The Horrorland bit is wonderful, as usual, the whole story is mostly just par for the course. The main problem, of course, is the damn hamsters. Luckily, they're not in the limelight much. Overall, it's decent enough, I suppose.
Next Time: The triumphant return of Evan and Andy! And the Million-dollar debut of... Cuddles the Hamster!