Goosebumps #18: Monster Blood II - Age of Ultron

Nice brushwork, but the cover is ruined by the simple fact that HAMSTERS AREN'T SCARY!

Blurb
Evan Ross can't stop thinking about Monster Blood and what happened last summer. It was so horrible. So terrifying. Too bad Evan's science teacher doesn't believe him. Now he's stuck cleaning out the hamster's cage as punishment for making up stories. Then Evan's friend Andy comes to town, and things go from bad to worse. Because Andy's got a present for Evan. It's green and slimy and it's starting to grow...

Plot
Why are there at least 2 Goosebumps books about killer hamsters? 

We open with Evan Ross, who lives in Atlanta now, if you'll recall the ending of the 1st book, playing with his dog, Trigger. Suddenly, he realises that Trigger is growing, as evidenced by the fact that Trigger is about to eat him. Except he wakes up in science class; that was a dream. Get used to Evan dreaming about growth and Monster Blood, folks, 'cause there's a lot of it in the sequels. On a side note, have you ever known anyone that genuinely fell asleep in a lesson? Mr Murphy, the teacher, starts to mock Evan for falling asleep in class. Well, luckily, by that logic, he knows everything about science, since that's what my chemistry teacher who constantly insults the class once went off on a rant about. Evan, demonstrating all his comedic genius, calls his teacher dumb. Even my generation wouldn't find that funny. As punishment, Mr M makes Evan clean out the cage of the class hamster, Cuddles. Cower in fear at our main antagonist, everyone! In response, Evan grabs Cuddles out of his cage and chucks him out the window. Great job, the book's over, home time everyone. See you next Wednesday! Actually, that was also a dream. What is it with these books and double-dream sequences?

In the hallway, after class, we meet the new resident jerk, Conan Barber. Conan the Barbarian (no, seriously, that's what they actually call him) pales in comparison to the other jerks from the Monster Blood books, such as the Beymer Twins and Matt Daniels. Conan trips up Evan, because he's the bully. The book recounts that, on his first day in Atlanta, he tried to tell Bully McObvious here about his encounter with the Monster Blood. In response, Conan beat up Evan. I guess he thought that the Beymer Twins were too much competition, and wished that he'd never heard of them. Back in the present, Conan offers Evan a free punch in retaliation. Since that's reasonable enough (hey, Jonathon Chiller, there are year 8 bullies with better heads for business than you), Evan gives the weakest punch in the history of the multiverse to Conan... right as Mr Murphy comes round the corner and sees it. For violence against his classmates, Mr M sentences Evan to cleaning out the hamster cage. Woah, tone it down a notch, there!

Cleaning out the hamster cage doesn't go well for Evan, and Cuddles escapes. Why didn't he take him out before cleaning it? Did Mr Murphy get his guidelines on hamster adoption from the Little Shop of Hamsters? So, Evan chases after Cuddles, mentally proclaiming that he'll catch the hamster, even if he has to sit on it. Then he imagines a tiny rug made of Cuddles. Monty Burns would like to make you an offer, Evan. So, then we have an average chase scene. Robbie Greene, a joker, suggests making a sound like a sunflower seed. An oldie, but a goodie. Eventually, Evan catches Cuddles and stuffs him back in the cage. And everything's lovely once again, except for the fact that this is a Monster Blood sequel.

On his way home, Evan bumps into Andy, of all people. She's also staying in Atlanta, because her parents have gone out of the country for a year. Oh boy, does this mean that the Beymer twins are coming back too? (No it doesn't) And, she's got the old can of Monster Blood. Lord knows why. Evan and Andy find that the can of Monster Blood has refilled, because literal magic, I guess. So, they bury it in the forest and I'm sure that's the last we'll see of that!

The next day, Evan tries out for the basketball team, where Conan chucks a ball at his face in the first 10 seconds. It's like the 5th Middle School book, except lame. Conan the Barbarian's best friend, Biggie Mallick (why why why) just tells Mr Murphy, who is of course in charge of the basketball team (I dread to think what their music program's like), that Conan was merely tossing the basketball in Evan's face in a friendly manner. Mr M believes this because he's got the intellectual capacity of a lobotomised almond. Long story short, Evan completely messes up, and Conan crushes his hand. Reader beware, you're in for a scare.

After the tryout, Evan meets up with Andy and shows her his hand, which she comapres to a "wilted petunia." Then she comes up with a genius, foolproof plan: they'll dig up the Monster blood (that was quick) and feed some to Cuddles. How will that impact Mr Murphy? However, the Monster Blood's gone from where they buried it. Evan confronts Conan about it, who responds by shoving the former into the locker. Because bullies.

Later that night, Evan and Andy go to Conan's house to steal back the Monster Blood can. Because it's Goosebumps, why is this surprising? Suddenly, Trigger shows up for no reason (seriously, he contributes nothing to this scene), and Evan and Andy sneak inside. There's the can of Monster Blood, in between Conan's tennis trophies. Why did he actually steal it in the first place? As Evan gets his hand stuck in the can, for some reason, Conan and his parents come home, because of course they do. Evan and Andy steal away (pun definitely intended) just before Conan enters his room, and of course Conan never brings up the Monster Blood again. Evan starts having doubts, and makes Andy promise to bury the Monster Blood. I'm sure that's the last we'll- I'm having the weirdest sense of deja vu right now.

2 days later, Evan discovers that Cuddles is now the size of a rabbit. Evan, using all of his deductive reasoning and mental ability, deduces that someone fed that someone fed Cuddles Monster blood. But who? Hmmm... maybe it was Robbie Greene from earlier. Mr Murphy, on the other hand, blames Evan for overfeeding Cuddles. Because he is a man of science and that is how overfeeding works.

The following day, Cuddles has swelled to the size of a dog. Does anyone think that this feels like the plot of an Adam Sandler comedy? Andy fesses up to Evan, saying that she did, in fact, feed Cuddles Monster Blood. I'd never've guessed. Evan gets a leash and ties Cuddles to  Mr M's desk. How is Mr Murphy not concerned or intrigued by this?

The next day, Evan and Andy get to school to find Cuddles, who is now 10 feet tall, break out of his leash and start to trash the place. Must be Thursday. Never could get used to Thursdays. Mr Murphy, in a further display of his ineptitude, attempts to stop the rampaging beast with a chair. It goes as well as one would expect.Evan comes up with an idea that I probably should've set up earlier: see, his Dad was entering the middle school art show, despite the fact that he's like 45, with a large metal sculpture that is of course shaped like a large hamster wheel. I'd say that everyone'd be screwed if Mr Ross had made a kennel shaped metal sculpture, but it doesn't really matter, because when Evan tries to get Cuddles to run on it (yeah, his plan makes no sense), the hamster destroys it. Conan randomly walks in, only to get snatched up by Cuddles. He starts pleading to be spared, probably because he wants to die with more dignity. Evan gets another idea (I dread to think how this one will go), and rushes to his locker, where the Monster Blood can is. A wave of Monster Blood rushes out of the locker. I hope you enjoyed that, because it's the last time we ever see the Monster Blood itself grow in real life, in spite of the fact that it's the best part of Monster Blood. Evan eats some of the Monster Blood, and grows instantly. What? How does that work? I thought it only worked progressively! But, regardless, Evan is now Cuddles' height, so he goes in to face the giant hamster. Cuddles to proceed to kick Evan round like a football, and Evan is only spared when, suddenly, he and Cuddles start to shrink. I'm getting the weirdest sense of deja vu right now. Andy reads the tin and discovers that it expires on this very day. (Translation: "I have no idea how to end this.") As a reward (for doing what?), Mr Murphy gives Evan Cuddles as a pet, for no reason other than to set up the ending.

That evening, Andy comes over for tea. She reveals to Evan that her parents have sent her a can of Monster Blood from Germany. Good thing that Aunt Kathryn only put a spell on one tin, so - they're going to ignore that are they. And indeed they do, as, after tea, Evan discovers Cuddles eating some of Andy's Monster Blood. I guess the German kind (could we call it Ersatz Blood?) erases one from existence, because Cuddles is never mentioned again.

Extra Toppings
In the '90s, Cuddles the Hamster was one of the main focuses of the Goosebumps merchandise. CUDDLES THE BLOODY HAMSTER.
In the Dutch version, Cuddles was a rat called Killer. That's great! Rats are scary. Giant rats are scarier. The name Killer... is scarier than Cuddles, I'll give them that. Just pretend Cuddles is a rat called Killer and see how much better the story is (probably not that good, but still).

Conclusion
Monster Blood II is... slightly bad. There are only a handful of things keeping it from the 'mediocre' point, such as the character of Conan and CUDDLES THE ****ING HAMSTER, and it's certainly the best of the Monster Blood sequels. However, the plot is dull, the whole concept behind Cuddles is awful, and a lot of the new characters, like Robby and Mr M, are downright uninteresting. In short, let's just pretend that the first Monster Blood was also the only one.