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| I don't want a hug, go away! |
Jessica and Ryan can't wait to use the two-headed joke coin [Ow, my sides!] they found in Horrorland. [So THAT'S where mine went!] But the joke is on them...
After an unlucky flip of the coin, the two friends are whisked away to a strange land, where angry guards are chasing after them! Can they escape from this world of terror?
Plot
Finally, I gain the sweet release of reading a book that has no hamsters in it!
PART 1-Tragic Tricks
As always, we open in Horrorland. (There, there, we're almost at the halfway point) Jessica Bowen and her best friend, Ryan Chang, are strolling through Horrorland. You know, the first scene would feel more at home in the obligatory Slappy book of the series, since it focuses heavily on magic and ventriloquism. But no, this book is about a magic coin that lets one travel through time and the Slappmeister never shows up to do his fantastic stand-up. Speaking of magic, Ryan and Jessica notice an ad for a show about someone called Mondo the Magical, and an accompanying magic shop.
They pop inside the shop (double the gift shops, double the monotony), where Ryan pulls our first obvious fake-out: he pretends that his hand's stuck in some kind of handcuff. Even Jessica doesn't fall for it, nor does the handcuff make any actual sense as a magic trick. After swiping Jessica's phone, Ryan is pushed by the latter... straight into Mondo the Magical, who was just entering the shop. And, like Chef Belcher from the previous installment, he's an utter riot. Mondo shows them some products (including one that doesn't work), and eventually comes to a large coffin-shaped casket called, "The Forever Box." Apparently, if someone climbs into it, they disappear... forever. Alright, [*insert name of today's UKIP leader here*], get in. Well, [*name of today's UKIP leader*] doesn't get in, but Ryan does. And, wouldn't you know, he vanishes. Mondo claims that there's a secret compartment in the box, but Ryan doesn't come out. I'm glad I haven't been to any of Mondo's shows.
Because logic, Jessica climbs into the Forever Box, and goes down an incredibly steep slide. She comes out in a dark corridor, with a light at the end of the tunnel. I guess she's about to make her cameo in The Sixth Sense. She comes to a ladder, which she climbs, and gets to the top, where Ryan is. They've found themselves in a gift shop, because Mondo apparently shares Jonathon Chiller's head for business and sent them away from his own shop. Jessica comes across a skull candle, as the aforementioned Mr Chiller enters. After the candle's wax covers her hands, Jessica gets the candle off by blowing on it. They also come across this awesome bat-shaped kite (ⒸWayne Enterprises), but then Jessica's attention is drawn to a double-headed coin, which she says would be great for magic tricks. How? Ryan, on the other hand, is excited about its true purpose: winning bets. So, Jessica buys the coin, instead of the totally awesome kite, and Johnny boy gives it to her for free, along with a free horror statuette. OK, I'm starting to understand the horror, but why on Earth does he need to give away the items for free?
PART 2-Heads or Heads?
A week later, Dad is showing Jessica some tricks with a coin. He's a magician, you see. And of course, all these tricks make Jessica almost late for school. As usual. Jessica gets to school, to see Ryan pinned against a wall by the resident stereotypical bully, Boomer. He's so cliched that he steals people's lunch money, and sounds like a Duke Nukem supporting character. Have you ever known anyone who took your lunch money, other than the lady at the till? And yet he only shows uip twice in the whole book, so there's no reason for him to be there. Boomer punches Ryan, for no reason, and apparently he acts like he's the hulk the whole time, which is why, I guess, he runs round beating everyone up. Jessica comes up with an idea, and gets the two-headed coin out. If Jessica wins the coin flip, Boomer lets her and Ryan go. If she loses, Boomer gets their lunch money for a week. Wasn't he going to do that anyway? But, because Boomer has the intelligence of lobotomized Ikea furniture, he agrees, and Jessica bets on heads. Wouldn't you know it, she wins. Boomer demands a second go, and it once more lands on head. Boomer admits "defeat," and walks off, probably to go rob someone else, which reminds me:
They discover themselves in a medieval-esque land that we'll never get to explore. They ask a blacksmith about their location, and of course he gives incredibly odd answers, like believing that the town they're from, Tampa, is another kingdom. Given the name, I don't blame him. Also, I had higher expectations for Elder Scrolls VI. So, since nobody's getting a straight answer, the blacksmith calls for guards, instead of calling for someone who's actually intelligent and could assist in the conversation. So, Jessica and Ryan run, because that won't make them look guilty. Then Jessica trips over a battleaxe and points out to Ryan that it's a battleaxe. Suddenly, because Jessica and Ryan were busy discussing the fact that Jessica just tripped over Horrid Henry's teacher (*rimshot*), the guards catch them, proclaiming that they've killed the prince. I thought that fentanyl did it.
Jessica and Ryan are taken to the captain of the guards, who is adamant that they killed this prince bloke, mainly because they were caught with a battleaxe. I'm starting to get sick of that word. Ryan and Jessica start muttering about escaping, but the captain of the guards hears them because he's not a complete idiot. (A rarity in these parts)
The guards then take Jessica and Ryan to some fellow called the Duke of Earle (some fellow probably wasn't the correct term), and some random bloke called Henway. Who is a wizard, Harry. The Duke bets Henway 5 dumas (I suppose inflation hasn't happened yet in this place) that Jessica confesses first, indicating that he has a bit of a gambling problem. And Henway then tells him that he, like I just said, has a gambling problem. The Duke of Earle refers to Jessica and Ryan's modern day clothes as 'disguises,' further cementing his belief that they are the assassins. What qualifies as a disguise in this guy's eyes, a hat? Once more, Jessica and Ryan attempt to defend themselves (Teacher: "How rude!"), but the Duke believes that the fact that they were running away confirmed their guilt. Told you so.
The Duke of Earle and Henway take Jessica and Ryan to the Prince who they supposedly killed. Who has no head. And is still alive. Wait, so even if Jessica and Ryan actually were assassins, they are still innocent of the crime they're being accused of, since, regardless, they haven't killed anyone. How is the Prince, Warwick, still alive, you don't ask? Magic. No, really, that's basically the explanation given by Henway. The Duke reports to the Prince that they've caught the assassins, and the latter responds by writing WHERE IS MY HEAD? on a piece of paper. Don't blame him, I mean, he can't hear them; he's got no ears. So, Jessica and Ryan once more try to defend themselves against a guy who can't actually hear them. In response, Prince Warwick says (not literally, of course), "Sod it, off with their heads." Well, if they're dead, how will they be able to tell him where his head is? The Duke says it's only fair; a head for a head. No it isn't. It's 2 heads for one. Also, a head for a head makes the whole world dead (except for one bloke, of course).
So, Jessica and Ryan are taken to the executioner to have their heads chopped off. Suddenly, Jessica gets an idea, and makes a bet with the Duke of Earle: they'll flip a coin, and, if she wins, she and Ryan will be spared. The Duke agrees to the bet because he's an idiot, and Jessica calls for heads, flipping the 2-headed coin. She of course wins, but then Henway says to do it anyway, since he disapproves of the Duke's gambling addiction. But the Duke says that Jessica and Ryan will be spared, since he can't go back on his word. However, Henway figures out a loophole, and sends them to the dungeons. Harsh, but fair.
Jessica and Ryan are taken to the dungeons, and this is genuinely a creepy and disturbing scene. There's a man childishly calling out for his, to quote, "din-dins," a man named Innocent who likes to eat spiders, and someone who responds to someone else's awful singing by meowing. But, sadly, Jessica and Ryan are chucked into their cell and the creepy dungeon is never explored further. They come up with the idea of using the bloody coin to take them back home, but they drop it. Ryan proclaims that they've lost it forever, and less than half a page later, they find it. Then the food man comes around, and apparently in this world they don't have lunch. Or spoons. Because different, I guess. Luckily, Ryan swipes the food man's keys, and they get out of their cell. Suddenly, they see a guard approaching, and run back to their cell. Truly these 2 are master escape artists. Unfortunately, the cell doors locked.... somehow. As the guard is about to catch them, Jessica throws her voice behind him, causing him to drop his sword out shock. These guards are clearly nothing but the finest, bravest warriors in the land.
Jessica and Ryan head down a narrow passageway, which leads to a tunnel, which seems to be some sort of sewer. (*The following joke has been omitted for spoiler alert reasons*) At the end, however, there's a guard. So, Jessica surrenders, only for Ryan to realise that the guard is made of wood. Probably still braver than that other bloke. They continue down the corridor, pulling on some robes that they found to act as disguises. They come up with the idea of finding the Prince's head to prove their innocence for this murder which technically hasn't been committed. Suddenly, they hear Henway and the Duke of Earle coming their way, so they decide to run from them before they can be spotted... and bump into a squad of guards.
Jessica and Ryan bump into the blacksmith from earlier, who takes them inside and calls for the guards. Ryan, however, realises that he's sitting on something. It's a human head. Dammit, put your rubbish in the bin! They deduce that it's the Prince's head, so they allow themselves to get captured by the guards so that they can take the head to the Prince. Luckily, things happen exactly like that, and they give the head to the Prince. But it's not actually his head. Apparently, it's the head of one of his enemies. All his enemies get beheaded in this kingdom, according to him. He sounds pretty tyrannical; maybe he's better off dead.
So, Jessica and Ryan run away. Again. This book should've been called "Running Away and an Occasional Bit of Gambling." Suddenly, Jessica has a revelation: there are no cats in the castle. (Out of Context Alert) Simon, the Rat Catcher, had told them that the Prince had 500 cats, but there are clearly none. Tumblr is very disappointed. This means that Simon must've lied, meaning that the rats are there for a different purpose: to guard the Prince's head. Get you, Sherlock. Next you're going to push someone out of a window or something.
So, Jessica and Ryan go back to the rat shack, where they find the Prince's head. Jessica has an appropriate reaction:
My stomach heaved.Suddenly, Simon walks in on them, but Ryan throws his voice behind him, and they escape. Any excuse to run away, I suppose. However, they bump into Henway (oh yeah, he's in this book) and the Duke of Earle. Jessica and Ryan say that they're going to return the Prince's head, but the Duke says that, if they do that, the Prince will discover that he and Henway are the ones who cut off the Prince's head. They then explain in some of the most forced dialogue that they were the ones who attacked the Prince in disguise in order to gain control. This is in spite of the fact that Henway was the one who taught the Prince how to sustain himself after death, but the book's got 3 chapters left, let's just get this over with. Suddenly, the head reveal that it's still sentient... because magic... and has heard the incredibly forced confession. Nice job, imbeciles. The Duke says that the Prince'll only be able to execute them if he gets his head back, which he won't... right before he and Ryan start fighting for the head, and Ryan win when Jessica distracts the Duke pretty easily. In fairness, he still has more intelligence than any of the British PM candidates (foreshadowing slightly for next week).
For the second time in one day, I was holding someone's head!
Jessica and Ryan run to the Prince, who takes his head back and says some magic words. Then the head reattaches itself to the Prince's body, and he sentences the Duke and Henway to death. Yaaay! The people of Namelesskingdom can live in fear once more! The Prince then looks over the 2-headed coin, and notices that it's his head on the coin. For some reason. Seriously, there's no real point to it.
And then he sends Jessica and Ryan back home... right in front of Boomer's fist. Or, as he calls it, The Mighty Fisto.
"You named your fist?" I cried. "Oh, never mind. Of course you did."Instead of questioning why Jessica and Ryan just teleported in front of him and the Mighty Fisto, he instead demands their lunch money. Stereotypes before logic. Jessica makes a coin toss for it, and Boomer accepts, for some reason. Probably because, if he wins, he'll get their lunch money for an entire month. Jessica bets on heads... and the coin lands on tails. Jessica and Ryan realise that the Prince must've switched the coin, as they reach for their wallets. What a twist?
Later that night, the little Horror Jessica got with the coin starts to glow and it teleports her back to Chiller House. And Ryan is never seen or mentioned again.
Ridiculous Name of the Week
The Duke of Earle. And his cousin, the Baron of Thane.
Any Questions?
How was the Prince able to write? He had no eyes, so he couldn't possibly know what he was doing.
Also, what was stopping him from executing the Duke and Henway without his head?
Conclusion
Heads, You Lose is just... eh. It's nothing noteworthy, and given the context of the finale, you could skip it. The Duke of Earle is a pretty good character... at first. When it's revealed that he's the villain, he just becomes cartoony. There are some good jokes every once in a while, and Jonathon Chiller's pretty good as usual, but I've already forgotten like half the book. So, yeah skip i-(*snore*) it. Sorry about that.
Next Time: Executioners, a made up bit of the Tower of London, and the world's dumbest Gandalf cosplayer!
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