Sunday Shorts: Poison Ivy

Our protagonist, Matt (not Daniels, sadly), is off to camp. The name of this camp, you don't ask? Camp Wilbur. The literal first 2 lines of the story are talking about how dumb the name is. Then Matt's attention turns to how dumb the idea of summer camp actually is. I like this kid. 2 of Matt's bunkmates, Vinny and Mike, are alright, but the problem is Brad. Brad is described as looking like... well, imagine all of the main characters from Saved by the Bell (except Screech) were put in a blender, and made into a new male humanoid, which was then genetically altered so that he was 12. And then he was submerged in disgusting aftershave, which became his one character trait: he stinks because of the aftershave he uses. He doesn't shave or anything, he just apparently likes it. Matt runs outside, leaving Vinny and Mike to perish from Brad's stench. He joins a game of baseball, (since the rules at Camp Wilbur are, to quote, "Do whatever you want. just don't get in trouble.") and discovers the titular plant growing nearby him. He then messes up at baseball; don't care, next scene.

That night, Matt is awoken by a scratching sound. His first theory is snakes, because snakes typically make scratching noises when slithering through the grass. Matt sneaks out, because Goosebumps protagonists are slaves to their own curiosity, but then suddenly thinks, "What the hell am I doing here?" So, he's about to go back inside, when suddenly, a large beast rears up in front of him. Except, wait, it's not a hideous beast at all: it's poison ivy. And it's grown incredibly quickly. Matt charges back into his cabin at the speed of a light wave trying to catch the bus, and starts telling his bunkmates (whom he woke up) about the poison ivy. They, shock of all shocks, don't believe him. Matt quickly realises how ridiculous he sounds. Can this guy come back in another book?

The next morning, because humans are dumb, loads of the campers have fights with the poison ivy. Kind of like a stickyweed fight, except stupid. They think that it can't be poison ivy; it grows too fast for that to be true. And then they proceed to discuss the coats they're wearing, I presume. By lunchtime, half the kids are covered in rashes. I need to change my mental definition of 'Well what did you think was going to happen?' to.. well, a summary of the events that just transpired. 2 of the Councillors go out that evening to try and get rid of the poison ivy. They're never seen again. That's supposed to be dramatic, not a comment. Why do I need to point that out?

The next morning, it seems to be rather dark outside. Matt opens the curtain to see that the window is covered by (what else?) poison ivy.
The gang try the door, but that's stuck too; covered by poison ivy. Vinny, Mike, and Matt call Brad over for assistance (oh, yeah, he's here. It's pretty easy to forget about him when you can't actually smell him.), and he reluctantly agrees. Suddenly, as he moves towards the poison ivy, it starts to retreat. It doesn't take Matt long to realise that Brad's aftershave is driving the poison ivy backwards. They grab the cans in Brad's bag (all 19 of them), and begin spraying the poison ivy with the Eau de Monster Blood For Breakfast. Eventually, after several hours (I've never done it, but I don't think that spraying evil sentient poison ivy with disgusting aftershave is that time consuming), they manage to drive the poison ivy into the lake, where it sinks and presumably drowns. The campers, who are there now (they should rename this place Camp Batman. It's a better name than Wilbur, anyway.), cheer in celebration. Suddenly, a large, buzzing tornado appears on the horizon, causing Brad to remember something: his aftershave attracts mosquitoes. Well, at least it doesn't attract sharks, I suppose. Please don't make that into the next Sharknado.

Poison Ivy is a lot more than I expect from these stories, in that it's not that bad. The plot is creative, and there are some really good moments. However, Brad is pretty one-dimensional, and we know zilch about everyone else. Well, except Matt. He's awesome. Also, the ending's pretty stupid, though I can't really think of anything else they could've done. Overall, it's pretty good; check it out.

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