Goosebumps #53: Chicken Chicken (Valentine's Day Special)

Blurb

Everyone in Goshen Falls knows about weird Vanessa. She dresses in all black. [What's weird about that?] Wears black lipstick. [So, she shops at Hot Topic. So what?] And puts spells on people. At least, that's what they say.

So when Cole and Crystal accidentally spill Vanessa's shopping [gripping], they're too scared to say sorry. They just run.

Big mistake. Because now Vanessa's going to make them sorry [overreaction, much?]. And she's got a really fowl way to do it... [*rimshot*]

Plot

Since, in my opinion, there is no fowler day than Valentines day (and no, not for the reasons you're thinking), it only makes sense that I should review what many consider to be the worst Goosebumps book ever on what I consider the worst day ever. And it also happens to be my 50th review, so we might as well celebrate the milestone.  

Sometimes, one of the most memorable parts of a book can be something as simple as the opening line. For example:

• Call me Ishmael.
• When the doorbell rings at 3 in the morning, it's never good news.
• Mr and Mrs Dursley of number 4, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.

And with this book, it seems, we must add another to that list:

• I hate chickens.

Trust me, you lot will too by the end of this garbage. Including the front cover and the title page, the word 'chicken' is used 9 times by the end of the first page of chapter 1. We might as well get into the plot now. Our protagonist, Crystal Lastnameunrevealed, and her brother, Cole, live on a farm with their parents. They're not actually farmers, they just live on a farm. Also, they keep chickens. It's never really explained, though I imagine it's because chickens. If I were to (god forbid) write an English essay on this book discussing the key themes, the longest paragraph would be on the theme of chickens. Crystal's set her hopes high: her dream is for Cole to have to feed the chickens for the rest of his life instead of her. Inspirational. Crystal sets off looking for Cole and his friend Anthony, since it's her responsibility to look after them. Mrs Wagner, a character who I have no knowledge or clue about except for the fact that she works at a bakery, tells her that they've gone up to a nearby pond. Presumably to go throw an evil camera into it.

Crystal arrives at the house of our obvious villain for today, Vanessa. Vanessa also lives in a farmhouse because farms, and farms have chickens in them, and no-one can tell if she's young or old. Everyone assumes that she's a sorceress, but the only facts that they have backing them up are that she has a black cat, she's pale, has black hair, wears black lipstick and nail polish, and dresses in all black. Hey, she's a goth, not a sorceress! And, wouldn't you know, Cole and Anthony are there, with 2 of their other friends, Franny and Jeremy. These 2 characters have last names, and disappear after page 10. Prioritization. Some other guys dared them to fill Vanessa's weird American mailbox with water. Since it's a dare, they've apparently got to through with it, since that's how dares work. In that case, I dare everyone reading this to do well in their exams. Or something like that. Anthony tells a story all about how this kid's life got flip-turned upside down when he played a prank on Vanessa- she gave him a weird spongy head when he played a prank on her. As one does.Regardless, Franny and Jeremy go through with the prank, which goes about as well as pouring water into someone's weird American mailbox can go. Which, surprisingly, is not as bad as you'd think. Then Vanessa comes out (I guess pouring water into a mailbox is louder than one would expect), accompanied with her cat and this stellar bit of dialogue:

Her black-lipsticked lips were open in an angry cry.

What even is an angry cry? Franny and Jeremy scarper, and are never seen again.

Crystal, Cole, and Anthony leg it and run back to the Lastnameunrevealed not-farm. Crystal goes to get some iced tea from the fridge, and screams in pain. But she actually just slammed the fridge door on her hand.

Some more chicken-keeping related stuff happens, yada yada yada, nobody cares. Next scene.

That night, Crystal awakes to see Vanessa in her bedroom. Except it's not Vanessa at all, it's Shari Sheena Chuck and Steve Lindy Heather Doug Ethan Luke Cole playing one of his jokes. OK, that was pointless. Next scene again, I guess.

The next morning, Cole comes downstairs covered in red blotches. He claims that Vanessa did it to him. But it's just another one of his tricks; he just drew all over his face with red marker. I think we should all be concerned that Crystal and her Mum managed to confused red marker for red blotches. And of course, this scene is pointless too. For the third time in a row. Moving on.

That day, Crystal is off getting a CD for her friend's birthday. Cole and Anthony, who's there now, get into an egg fight, as 10 year olds do, and eventually Cole splats an egg onto Anthony's head. Sorry about the pacing, but they really shouldn't have crammed all the exposition into the first two chapters. Cole and Anthony get into an unsurprisingly boring fight, and when Crystal tries to break it up, the 3 of them crash into Vanessa, who's just stepped out of the grocers, spilling her shopping everywhere. Gripping. Anthony cries "Sorry," (that's actually important, unlike the last 3 scenes. The mark of quality) and runs off. Crystal and Cole, however just stand there. Is the twist ending that they are actually mutated lemons? Wow, I tried way too hard with that one. Vanessa is incredibly angry (I'll let her off just this once, given what day it is), and does what anyone would do in her situation: she points at Crystal and Cole and whispers, "Chicken chicken." Is that a new profanity that I haven't discovered yet?

Crystal and Cole run home for the second time in the past 20 pages (Ricky Beamer is starting to envy these 2) and discuss the events that just unfolded. Cole then proceeds to eradicate any possibility of things not going wrong by saying "What could happen?" Later, at tea, nothing interesting happens. I'm very confused as to why I even decided to mention it. Well, then again, I usually end up mentioning half of the details in the book.

The next day, after school... I think? It just cuts to Cole's choir practise. It doesn't say when it is.  Anyway, practise starts, but is interrupted when a spider falls from the rafters onto Lucy-Anne's (Crystal's friend whom she was buying a CD for) hair. Well, it's something. That's incredibly rare from what I've seen so far. When Cole comes to do his solo, he lets out these heart-wrenching lyrics, which I shall quote for your "enjoyment."

"BLUCK BUCK BUCK BLUUUCK BLUCK."

(*wipes tear away*) Beautiful. Cole continues to cluck. It's actually pretty funny, though I don't think that was the intention.

More pointless stuff involving Cole clucking occurs over the next 1.2 chapters that nobody cares about. Next scene.

It's now Lucy-Anne's birthday party, and of course she also lives on a farm. (*sigh*) Blah blah blah, nothing of value happens. Well, at least until the cakes come out. Yes, there are multiple cakes. Tell me that this doesn't make this the best birthday party ever. However, Crystal finds that she's having difficulty chewing. Lucy-Anne tells her that there's some chapstick in the medicine cabinet, which is where most people keep chapstick, so off she goes. Crystal gets a look at herself in the mirror, and sees that her lips are firm and are sticking out from her face. Similar to, you guessed it, a cow. As Crystal peers out of the door to check if the coast is clear for sneaking out, she has a terrifying thought:

Will I ever enjoy cake again?

Brrr. Crystal sneaks out of Lucy-Anne's house (*Mission: Impossible theme starts playing*) and runs home. I'm getting the weirdest sense of deja vu here. Cole is in the bathroom, with a towel around his neck. He says that he needs to tell Crystal something, before he proceeds to take the towel off of his neck, revealing... feathers. (Dun dun duuuun!) This is supposed to be scary, right? Crystal assumes that it's just another one of his tricks, and tries to pull the feathers off. But the feathers are, surprisingly enough (I'm not even being sarcastic here), real. Crystal pulls the feathers off, instead of disguising them and therefore not causing Cole any pain. Crystal doesn't Cole about her beak-lips, for some reason.

The next morning, Crystal also starts growing feathers, and plucks them all off. Cole's hands look a bit like claws. Chickens don't have those. Or hands. They do, however, have claws on their legs and you really don't care, do you. Crystal, finally, at chapter 14, realises that Vanessa's done this to them.

They decide to tell their parents about their transformation, because telling the parents always go so well in these books. So, they do it, and Mum calmly responds that their transformation into chickens is great, because they need 2 more chickens for the barbecue they're . Yeah, she's joking. This is becoming eerily similar to Calling All Creeps. They keep trying to show her, but to no avail. Mum also tells Crystal that she should put something on her lips, instead of going to the doctor, since I'm pretty sure that this is a more serious affliction than usual.

Crystal and Cole decide to go to see Anthony (oh yeah, he's in this) to gain more evidence, since they figure that, due to the fact that he too knocked Vanessa's shopping everywhere, he'll be undergoing a similar transformation. That's actually not that stupid. On their way, they spy Vanessa. They try and get her attention, but she first ignores and then mocks them. Our intimidating villain, folks.

Crystal and Cole make it to Anthony's place, where he's hanging out in the front garden. They ask him if anything weird has happens. He says that yes, something weird has been happening to him: he's gotten really good at mini golf over the past weekend. I want to read about that, it sounds infinitely more interesting. They inquire if the feather-sprouting, not-scary-in-the-slightest clucking or beak-growing has happened to him. Anthony understandably looks at Crystal and Cole as if they're crazy, and is never seen again.

Back at home, Crystal plucks out some more feathers, which have grown on her, in way too much detail. Crystal also notices that she is growing claws on her hands. Again, chickens don't have claws on their hands! The family barbecue is going on, and Crystal is called down. The main course is chicken because chickens haven't been rammed down our throat enough yet. (*begins choking on chicken that was just rammed down my throat*) More boring stuff happens until Mum looks out of the window, prompting Crystal to look too. There, in the chicken coop, is Cole. And he's eating the chicken feed. Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Crystal goes out to stop Cole, until she thinks that the chicken feed looks tasty and begins eating it. I see we've found the predecessor to the awful tide pod meme.

Blah blah blah, more boring stuff happens, so let's skip forward. Some unspecified time later, Crystal has a basketball game coming up, and she's the starting forward. Since I have no idea what that means, I'm going to make the inference from Crystal's reaction is normally good unless you're turning into a chicken person. Well, it's about time we captured the farming basketball players demographic. So, team Crystal wins the opening jump or whatever, so Crystal gets the ball and begins dribbling it, but she can't stop bobbing her head. Terrifying. The Fly just called, it wants tips from you. Crystal can't even play basketball anymore (neither can I nor can half of my friends, you think you're special?) because she's got her arms tucked into her shoulders. So? I do that all the time in Games when it's too cold. Crystal runs away crying, because that's the only sensible option whenever anything bad happens in these books.

Back home, after tea, Mum and Dad go out for some random boring reason. As Crystal and Cole start pecking crumbs off of the kitchen floor (typical Friday evening), they decide to go to Vanessa's house so they can get her to reverse the spell. (Memo to self: report Vanessa to the Thought Police) So, off they go. Crystal has a truly terrifying and nerve-wracking thought:

Would I ever be able to taste a doughnut again? Or would I spend the rest of my life pecking crumbs off of the floor?

I mean, sure, you're probably going to become a social outcast and will have nowhere to live, but that's even more terrifying! Crystal explains to Cole what they're going to do on the way. Couldn't she have told him back at the house?

So, they get to the house of (*deep breath*) the Japanese bootleg of the Chinese bootleg of the Plug and Play version of the 99p stores version of the Poundland version of the Poundworld version of the Lidl version of the Aldi version of the Sainsbury's own version of the Great Value version of Morticia Addams, but she's not home. (*gasps for air*) So, time for the ol' Goosebumps standby: breaking and entering! I was beginning to think they'd forgotten it. Vanessa apparently has loads of books in her house, so Crystal and Cole make the natural assumption that they're about magic. But then they spy a figure; Vanessa! Except, wait, it's not Vanessa, it's her cat. So, they continue looking around. Crystal grabs a book, when Cole turns the lights on and they see Vanessa, 2 pages after the last fake-out, standing by the wall. Except that's not Vanessa either, but rather a life sized portrait of Vanessa.

 

The book Crystal grabs is called Chicken Chicken Chicken, so they assume it's the book they need to reverse the spell. I guess there are more chicken-related spells than I thought.

Crystal and Cole take the book home, and start reading unfortunately, they've messed up: they've swiped a cookbook. Who gives their cookbook such a bland name? That's like if this blog was called "Goosebumps Goosebumps Goosebumps."Suddenly, Crystal catches sight of herself in the mirror and sees that her eyes are starting to move to the side of her head. (*vomits into a comedically large bucket*) 

So, Crystal and Cole go back to Vanessa's house to break in once more. It takes a lot longer because, you know, their eyes are on the sides of their heads so it's difficult to see where they're going. How long is this thing their parents are going to? When they enter, Crystal starts eating a bowl of sunflower seeds, which Vanessa has, for some reason. They find a book of spells, and find a page titled "Human into Chicken." Nice titles there, guys. There's no "Chicken into Human" spell, however, so they figure that they need to reverse the human into chicken spell, which consist of saying some gibberish, doing a dance, and then pointing at someone and saying "Chicken Chicken." Like most spells! They indeed reverse the spell and it does something. I'll let Crystal describe what happens.

We weren't chickens anymore. We were BIIIIIG chickens!

Well, it's a start. So, Crystal picks up the book with her, and I quote, "chicken fingers." I don't think chickens have fingers. They're birds. So, they perform the spell backwards again (because it went so well the first time) and this time they turn into baby chicks. This is one of the stupidest and yet also most boring books I've ever read. Then Vanessa's cat starts playing with Crystal (oo-er), until Vanessa comes in and picks up Crystal and Cole. And somehow she just guesses that they're Crystal and Cole, and not just some random chicks. Crystal has an idea, and jumps onto the typewriter. Well, I didn't say it was a good idea. Chick-Crystal types out an apology letter by jumping on the keys, but Vanessa rejects it, saying that it's too late. Vanessa reveals that she has loads of books on etiquette, because those are totally real things. She is apparently obsessed with proper manners, like most witches, and didn't turn Anthony into a chicken because he actually apologised for spillign her shopping everywhere. So, let me get this straight. Vanessa mentally abused 2 kids and potentially made them into social outcasts... because they didn't apologise for bumping into her. (*picks up phone*) Yeah, hi, is that Childline? Crystal has another idea, and types out a thank you note to Vanessa, for showing them the error of their ways. Vanessa grabs the note and literally dances around the room with joy, proclaiming this to be the politest thing she's ever seen. Really? She turns Crystal and Cole back into humans, and everybody laughs. Vanessa gets Crystal and Cole some Coke. Instead of, say, an apology, or compensation, or a reference to a support group. Cole downs his glass and lets out a large burp, prompting Crystal to laugh. How mature. Vanessa seems to be following my thought process (well, sort of), so she points at Crystal and Cole and whispers, "Pig pig." And that, your honour, is the plot of the book which convinced me to blow up that farm.

It's now time for the...

FIRST ANNUAL VALENTINE'S DAY OUT-OF-CONTEXT AWARDS!

Funniest Out of Context line

"Why are you doing that?"

"BLUCK BLUCK BUCK CLUCK BLUCK," he replied.

Rudest sounding Out of Context line

I couldn't resist. I poked my head into the bowl and began sucking the tasty seeds into my beak.

Darkest sounding Out of Context line

"Huh?"

"Barbecue us?"

Oddest sounding Out of Context line

"Don't forget to cluuuck bluuck," he called.

Most obvious sounding Out of Context line

Skin! Real skin-with no feathers!   

Most un-scary Out of Context chapter cliffhanger

I had fun - until birthday cake time.

And then the fun turned to horror.

Oh, of course!-est Out of Context line

If only Cole and I had apologised then! We wouldn't be peeping little chicks today.

Any Questions?

What was Vanessa's long-term plan with this? What was she going to do once Crystal and Cole had turned into chickens? In fact, why chickens in the first place?

Conclusion

Chicken Chicken is an abomination. Every scene is either pointless and boring, or ludicrous and painful. The entire idea is ridiculous, and the execution is even worse than the idea. Crystal and Cole are bland, Vanessa is a terrible villain, and everyone else doesn't do anything. Having said that, though, there were times when it made me laugh, though I don't think that was the intention. Regardless of the slight comedy factor, no-one, sane or otherwise, should ever have to read this.