Wilson Schlame loves to make Jack Johnson feel like a total loser. And Jack's had it. That's how he ended up down at the beach. In a creepy, old abandoned house. In the dark. Trying to hide from Wilson. But everything is about to change. Because Jack just dug up the coolest book. It's called Flying Lessons. It tells how humans can learn to fly. Poor jack. He wanted to get back at Wilson. But now that Jack's learned how to fly, things down on earth are getting really scary...
Plot
Our protagonist, Jack Johnson, is constantly being one-upped by Wilson Schlame. Wilson is one of those sorts of people that is loved by everyone except 2 or 3 people, who think he is the worst thing on the planet. Sadly, I know about 6 of these people, so I can indeed classify him as such. So, anyway, Wilson beats Jack at everything, including wooing their joint crush (an individual whom 2 or more people have a crush on), Mia Montez. One good thing I can say about Wilson is that he does not have an alliterative name, unlike the other main characters. At one point, Jack draws Mia a superhero. Woah, there, Casanova! Wilson of course proceeds to one-up Jack's superhero by drawing 5 superheroes. Woah there, Johnny Bravo! Later, Jack gets a new 12-speed bike to impress Mia, because what kind of bike you have is an accurate measure of how cool you are. Is this where Bradley Wormser from Monster Blood for Breakfast got his idea that t-shirts make you awesome? Because, if so, and the logic that presents stands, I'm going to lend Jack an Airbourne t-shirt for him to impress Mia with, only for the purpose of stopping this infernal contest! However, Wilson has of course received a new mountain bike. If this was written today, the 2 would just be trying to buy the more expensive coat. They race home and (shock of all shocks) Wilson wins. Is it possible to have a sarcastic heart attack out of shock? Their rivalry (pretty one-sided rivalry, but still) gets to the point where, later on in the book, Jack's just eating a hot dog, not really engaging in anything interesting, and Wilson proceeds to say "You call that a hot dog?" and produces a gigantic hot dog. In the context of the story, that's just stupid, and if you connect the easy-to-connect dots, it's just childish.
At one point, Jack shimmies up a tree to rescue an old lady's cat, because baby boys' cats never get stuck up trees, but then falls off... into Wilson's arms. *sigh* Wilson. Let's talk. Can you just stay out of 1 scene in this book? You're like Matt Daniels, only less annoying. Well, whatever, Wilson rescues the cat and then, oh I don't know, travels to hell and beats up Satan, or gets 100% on Through the Fire and Flames in Guitar Hero.
Mia makes the ridiculous decision to invite both Wilson and Jack to her birthday party. I like to call this scene, "OK, OK, we get it!-the movie." Or, if you prefer, "I can't see anything going wrong here!" Jack can already see where this is going and has doubts about showing up, but does anyway. When he gets there, Mia's mum says that he's "not the Wilson they've been expecting." Owch. Wilson shows up and jumps in the air, grabs 2 balloons, and crafts a balloon man. Woah there, Schwarznegger! Actually, speaking of which, Wilson says that he's taught his dog, Terminator, to turn the colour wheel in Twister. OK, they're playing Twister when this happens, but it's still not that impressive. Also, who names their dog Terminator? That'd be like if I named my goldfish John McClane. During the game of Twister, big shock, Wilson -you know what, you've probably figured it out, I'm not even going to write it. After Wilson wins at Twister, Jack gives Mia her present: a Purple Rose album (that's Mia's favourite band. Instead of, say, anyone else.). Oh yay, one of them CDs from poundland. Then Wilson gives Mia his gift: tickets to see Purple Rose. Yay, tickets to the band from a poundland CD. Jack rushes out of the party, though Mia calls for him to stay. Thinking about it, what does Mia actually see in Wilson, anyway? He's just some jerk who likes one upp-ing Jack for no reason.
Jack hides out in an abandoned beach house. Why? But, anyway, the floorboards collapse and Wilson falls through them. He comes across a book called Flying Lessons. Suddenly, Jack is swamped by rats, when Wilson shows up and attempts to one-up Jack by getting swamped by angry rhinos. Jack manages to fight off the rats because he's now Pickle Rick or something. He escapes and takes the book with him. Because why not. (In fairness, it'll be a more enjoyable read than anything in the teen/YA section at Waterstones.)
After a couple of days, Jack decides to read the book, and then realises what he should've realised immediately - if he can learn to fly (as in by himself, like Superman, not in a Sopwith Camel or something) then he can impress Mia. That is, at least, until Wilson joins the Green Lanterns in order to one-up Jack. So, Jack performs the ritual that involves a series of stretches and ingesting an odd dough that is made using a strange blue powder that comes with the book. Well, better than some terrible 3D glasses that don't work. Jack makes the dough, and then his dog, Morty, eats it and flies out of the window. Aw, jeez! That's just awesome, Rick! Jack gobbles up the rest of the dough (fatty) and flies off after Morty. He flies up to the sun, because that's how science works if you never explain anything. He catches Morty and they play around with flying for a bit. I know continuity's been messed up since the release of Monster Blood for Breakfast, so it might not work, but where the hell are the Thought Police during all this? Then again, maybe they can only detect people with mental powers.
After a few days, Jack manages to meet up with Mia. And Wilson, for whatever reason. Why? I mean, I know you can fly and all, but Wilson's still going to try and one-up you. That is kind of his entire character. As Jack flies up into the air, Mia is of course impressed, but then Wilson starts flying as well. That's not technically one-upping someone, is it? I mean, they're now equals, if anything. Wilson reveals that he'd been spying on jack, and had stolen the Flying Lessons book. Ah, it wouldn't be Goosebumps without something that would be illegal in real life. Wilson then leaves, because he has tennis practice. Because that's a bigger priority than, y'know, being able to fly.
Mia asks Jack to show her how to fly, and Jack agrees because why not. However, he discovers that the book's gone. That was a fantastic scene. Mia for some reason no longer wants to fly despite the fact that, hello, you have the opportunity to gain superpowers and form some kind of super-team with Jillian, Jackson, the Lerners and a forcibly reformed Dr Maniac and Purple Rage!
After a bunch of flying scenes, at school Wilson tells Jack that he's promised the PE teacher "a very special race." And for some reason, the entire school gets to watch, because races usually bring the entire school day to a halt. Unless it was optional and everyone just signed up to get out of lessons. I mean, everyone already does that in real life; it's not too far fetched. The 2 fly and race, but Wilson tricks Jack into losing. Why am I so underwhelmed by stuff like this? As they land, everyone is shocked. I feel like they should've just been shocked earlier, because now that they've landed, there's nothing shocking that's happened. Breaking news, guys: Wilson beat Jack! That's never happened before!
A bunch of scientists show up to do some tests on Jack, but he escapes. Why? It's not like they're going to kill and/or torture him! I mean, it could mean the next big step in human progress! But, because all scientists who want to do research in Goosebumps are the most evil people since UKIP, Jack runs away and gets home. His parents greet him excitedly, and then sell him off as a mascot to a local car dealer. (*Doorbell rings*) I'll get it. (*Comes back with a letter*) It's for Mr and Mrs Johnson. I'll read it out:
Later, a bunch of scientists take Jack to a testing facility against his will.
So, the day of the race comes and when Jack gets there, he's immediately swallowed up by the crowd, fearing suffocation and stuff. Typical day on the school bus. Luckily, 2 cops who are there save him. Well, there you have it: proof that English school buses toughen you up. Wilson is also there, and he too is wearing a superhero costume. He is showing clear signs of insanity, as he seems to be enjoying this whole ordeal. The race starts, but Jack's lost his power to fly and he falls to the ground. Well, then, Wilson only really won by default, which isn't really winning, is it?
Wilson is now being hounded by the press and the military. He ends up mdropping out of middle school, becaue I guess that's something you can do, and moves away. Jack, however, is totally cool with this. He now gets to hang out with Mia all the time (holy cow, that's actually really satisfying) and is now no longer being constantly hunted by the government and obsessive fans. It turns out that Jack just faked losing his ability to fly in order to lose all of the attention. Also, Jack gets the 2nd Purple Rose ticket, so that's a nice plus.
Any Questions?
How did Wilson manage to replicate the flying dough if it needed the blue powder for it to work? Was there just a second packet or something?
Conclusion
How I learned to Fly is a fun little adventure that's pretty creative. You sympathise with and root for Jack, and of course despise Wilson (though he's got a long way to go before he gets to the same plane Matt Daniels or Julie Martin).However, there are parts that are just silly, like the $1,000,000 prize for the flying race. Overall, an enjoyable read, though I can't say for the life of me why it's a Goosebumps book.
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