Ricky Beamer is furious when he gets kicked off the school paper. So he decides to play a joke on Natasha, the bossy editor in chief. Just a little joke. Harmless, really. After school one day he sticks a message in the paper. If you're a creep, call Tasha after midnight, it reads. But somehow Ricky's message gets messed up. And now he's getting calls. Strange calls from kids who say they are creeps. Creeps with scaly purple-coloured scales and long sharp fangs...
Pre-Plot Apology (For the 2 of you reading this who actually care)
So, yeah, I should've been doing the Horrorland finale, but when I reserved it from the library, they said it would come in the day after the review was due. So, I've procrastinated it and written this instead. Sorry for any inconvenience.
Plot
We open with our hero, Ricky Beamer, sneaking out of his house after falling down the stairs on the 3rd line. If he was part of the Horrorland roll call, his middle name would probably be "Klutz." He heads off down to his school, which somehow is actually clean. Ricky would like it, if it weren't for the fact that everybody makes fun of him. I don't know how to feel about this whole plot point; it swings between being believable and therefore making Ricky sympathetic, and the whole thing just making Ricky into a Sympathetic Sue (like a Mary Sue, except instead of saying how great they are, they're just holding a gun to your head and saying, "Feel sorry for me!"). Ricky breaks into the building because he's a Goosebumps protagonist, what did you expect? He sneaks over to the newspaper office (what school has it's own newspaper?), where the head of the paper, Tasha McClain, is still working at 8 o' clock at night! Shouldn't she be out stopping Alan Rickman? Tasha leaves after about a page of Ricky waiting for her to do so, and Ricky takes the opportunity to write a small notice on the bottom of the front page -
Calling All Creeps. Calling All Creeps. If you're a real creep, call Tasha after midnight. (*There's a phone number here, but I'm not writing it down in case someone tries to call it*)So, why is Ricky doing this? Well, to answer that, we need to go back in time (*Back to the Future theme starts playing*)! An unspecified amount of days earlier, a new girl called Iris Candler joined Ricky's school. And, somehow, she didn't start insulting Ricky, possibly because she is a decent human being. Well, that makes 1.5 of them (Ricky's only halfway decent). Ricky was tasked with showing Iris round the school, probably because he sits next to her in class. They seemed to hit it off, and then at lunch they headed to the dining room. There, they found Ricky's 4 enemies sitting down to eat. Ricky calls them his 4 enemies because, well, as he puts it, they're his 4 enemies. Really? I thought he called them that because they all did their DofE volunteering at an Age UK charity shop! After he informed Iris not to eat the macaroni (the macaroni is a key plot point later down the line. Well, sort of. Why are you looking at me like that?) and got his lunch, the bloke in charge of Ricky's 4 enemies, Wart, tripped up Ricky and everyone laughed at him because he's Ricky.
Later that day, Ricky joined the newspaper staff because at this school, you have to do at least one extra-curricular activity on pain of death. Tasha, who's in charge of the newspaper, never gives the year 7s (so that's why most of the characters are jerks) any good assignments. Her first assignment to Ricky was to write about the dirt patches on the playground and why grass didn't grow there. And he somehow wrote 5 pages on it. Maybe he just used a really big font. Regardless, Tasha never printed it because she's a jerk. "Nobody cares about dirt patches," she said to Ricky despite the fact she gave him the assignment on the first place.
A few days later, Ricky had been on the newspaper staff for a while. Wart, and another member of the 4 enemies, David are sports reporters, so one day, whilst Ricky was getting a Pepsi (Really? No Coke?), Wart knocked the can out of his hand, sending the sweet, not-as-good-as-its-competitor beverage all over Tasha's computer, destroying it. Ricky got kicked off the newspaper team, though later on Iris comforted him and told him it wasn't his fault. You know, what do the 4 enemies actually have against Ricky, anyway?
Iris and Ricky were walking home soon afterwards, when Ricky thought that they were being followed. Then they realised they weren't, right before the 4 enemies jumped out of a nearby bush. Another member, Jared, grabs Ricky, and Wart not so politely inquires as to why Ricky tried to tell Tasha that the whole Pepsi incident was his fault. Ricky replies, "Well, because it was." So, to try and embarrass Ricky in front of Iris, Wart and the other enemies made him... sing the American national anthem. Man, Jeremy Corbyn's going to have a field day. After finishing his performance (which was probably better than anything on the X-factor), Ricky ran all the way home.
On Saturday morning, Tasha called up Ricky. Apparently, there was an assignment that needed covering, and no-one else will do it. "Help me, Ricky Beamer," she said, "you're my only hope." So, off Ricky went to the school car wash, which was the assignment he had to cover. And it cost $5 apiece. I'd go on a rant about it, but that'd just be copying Blogger Beware. Tasha gave Ricky her best camera, because this couldn't go wrong. Then the 4 enemies proceeded to shoot Ricky with hoses, because they're the 4 enemies. Then he fell on the camera, causing Tasha to sack him. She said that he had to pay for a replacement, or her dad would sue him. That's not how lawsuits work. Ricky ran home, presumably giving a rendition of 'I Dreamed a Dream' as he ran.
And thus, we're finally back to the present day, with Ricky breaking into the school and editing the paper. So, wait, shouldn't he be taking revenge on the 4 enemies? Also, has he just been standing there having a 8 chapter-long flashback this whole time? Ricky sneaks back out and runs home for the 3rd day in a row. Ricky calls Iris, because of course he should spill the beans about his incredibly un-foolproof plan. She rightfully tells him that it's probably going to go wrong. Though, in fairness, my school doesn't proofread their website, so why should a year 9 proofread her newspaper?
The next morning, Ricky spends 3 pages being smug. Nobody cares, next scene. At precisely 2 minutes to midnight, the hands that threaten doom, the phone rings. Ricky answers it, and it's Iris. She tells him that his plan's gone wrong. Couldn't she have told him this earlier? Turns out that Tasha actually did proofread the newspaper and now Ricky's in major trouble. Creepypasta writers, there are officially 8th grade newspaper writers better than you.Then Iris' dad kicks her off the phone before she can explain what the message said, because it's 2 minutes to midnight, to kill the unborn in the womb.
Later, the phone rings again (can nobody in this story call Ricky when he's awake?), and it's not Iris; rather, it's someone who calls themselves "a creep." Ricky smartly hangs up immediately, and then gets another call from a different "creep." He hangs up again and Dad comes in, scolding Ricky because apparently he's not allowed to get calls after 10. (*Phone rings at 11.* Dad: "You're grounded!") Dad leaves and Ricky gets another call. Bloody compensation people. "When will the creeps meet?" enquires the caller. Ricky hangs up again. Well, that's rude. Then he gets another call. (*Takes shot*)
The next morning, Ricky drags himself to school, where Iris shows him the paper. There, where Ricky had put his little message, it reads:
Calling All Creeps. Calling All Creeps. If you're a real Creep, call Ricky after midnight.Ricky bursts into Tasha's classroom and confronts her. She admits that she did indeed edit the message. Why couldn't she have just, say deleted it? She asks if Ricky got any calls, and he says, yes, he did. The entire class laughs mockingly. On a note that is totally unrelated to this book, does anyone know any means of inter-dimensional transport and where I can legally purchase a gigantic axe? Even the teacher laughs, instead of, say, punishing Tasha for pulling this stunt which she just confessed to.
At lunchtime, something feels off-nobody's making fun of Ricky. While he can't help but feel glad, he has a feeling that something's up. Suddenly, a piece of paper hits him in the back of the head. Looks like things are getting back to normal, until Ricky unfolds the paper. It reads, "When will the Creeps meet?" How the hell are these "creeps" supposed to get Ricky's reply though?
Ricky leaves and bumps into Iris, showing her the note. She once more rubs in Ricky's face how the prank went wrong, but honestly, compared to everyone else, it's like she just donated 20 grand to charity. Iris suggests to Ricky that he should take his phone off the hook to stop the calls, which Ricky admits is a pretty good idea. They head to Iris' locker, and she starts blushing. She asks Ricky if he wants to come help buy baking supplies with her, as she wants to partake in the bake sale that the school's having on Saturday. In fairness, from my experience, schools tend to spontaneously hold bake sales for no reason. Ricky agrees, whilst just wanting to punch the air in happiness. He then says that to some people, a girl in their school liking them is no big deal. Who are those people, and do they offer crash courses? Looks like things are looking up for Ricky at last, or at least until he gets to his locker. On the inside of the door, written in red paint, it reads, "When will the Creeps meet?" This is bordering on harassment.
That evening, the calls start much earlier. At about half 8, the living room phone rings, and it's for Ricky. It is, of course, the creeps. Ricky receives several calls, and then the scene's over. Gripping. "This is too strange to be funny," thinks Ricky. Well, that hasn't stopped Ugandan Knuckles.
The next day, after school, Ricky's feeling amazing. He's off to go buy baking supplies with Iris, but before he can meet up with her, the 4 enemies (man, I've missed these jerks) kidnap him and drag him into the woods. And somehow nobody notices the 4 kids kidnapping the year 7. Maybe they're all just ignoring it because, after all, it's Ricky. The 4 enemies that they are the "Creeps" who have been calling Ricky, and start referring to him as "Commander." Good lord, Ricky's actually the Wongster! Ricky's of course confused (though the strangest part is when the 4 enemies apologise to him for being such a-holes), and assumes that it's just a prank, bro. They talk about the planting of something called "identity seeds," and Wart tells Ricky that if the mission fails, well...
At tea time that night, Ricky attempts to tell his parents all about the Creeps and such.Wow, Ricky's actually pretty noble. Everybody at his school is a massive jerk, and yet he's trying to save them all. Mum and Dad tell Ricky that they are, in fact, Creeps... as well as Martian werewolves. Yeah, they don't actually believe him. They're parents in a horror story, why would they?
The next day, Ricky executes plan B: tell the head. Look, Ricky, I'm not trying to say any of this is your fault, but if you can go up to your headmistress about purple lizard people who want to conquer Earth, I'm pretty sure you can up to them about being constantly bullied by almost every living thing in the school. But, she doesn't believe and thinks that he's ill. People in this universe know what the symptoms of illness are, right?
As Ricky exits the head's office, he bumps into the 4 enemies. They've got the identity seeds, and they're off to the kitchen. Brenda, the last of the 4 enemies who I had yet to mention, hands Ricky the seeds, saying that he can do the honours. Looks like it's all over for the world (or at least the school), but then Ricky has an idea. Of course, he doesn't tell us what it is, because they never do that right away in Goosebumps. So, the plan is to trip over and spilling the seeds everywhere. Ricky, you do know about the 5 second rule, right? However, the Creeps are smarter than their personalities make them appear, and have a backup bag of seeds. Ricky dumps the seeds into the macaroni, (here's the macaroni's time to shine which I mentioned earlier), and it looks like it's all over for the Homo Wankus that inhabit this school. The lunch lady catches Ricky, but he talks his way out. The Creeps are ecstatic, and are now waiting for lunch time. Shouldn't they put the seeds in all of the various lunch options?
That lunchtime, nobody turns into a Creep. When the Creeps start pondering over what went wrong, Ricky inadvertently blurts out that nobody eats the Macaroni. He tells them that he'd been told it by someone else, and had completely forgotten. And thus, the dynamic continues. It's alright though, because Brenda's got another bag of seeds and a new plan. They'll put the identity seeds in cookies and sell them at the bake sale on Saturday. I have to admit, that's a pretty good plan. Ricky tries to stop them by coming up with the idea of quite literally planting the seeds. This gets the Creeps suspicious, and they start asking Ricky to become a Creep to prove that he's truly one of them. It looks like all is lost for our hero, when suddenly Iris shows up, proclaiming herself to be Ricky's second-in-command and that they're going to go ahead with Brenda's plan. They all head to Iris' house to start making the evil cookies. Iris tells Ricky that shes not really a Creep, but she had seen the 4 enemies kidnap Ricky and instead of, say, telling someone that a guy's getting kidnapped on the playground, she followed them and overheard everything. And she never tried to meet up with him or try and back him up.
The following Saturday, it's the bake sale. Ricky and Iris set up their table, and the latter is never mentioned again. Wart grabs the biscuit tray and, as he goes off to hand out the biscuits, Ricky grabs a microphone and starts to shout at people not to eat the biscuits. I have always hated this part since the first time I read it. Tasha runs up and grabs the microphone, and leads the whole school in taunting Ricky.
Everyone starts chucking cake at Ricky. Well, I hope they've paid for it. Brenda lets slip that, once everyone is a Creep, they'll all be Ricky's slaves. He decides to finally go along with the plan, handing out the biscuits. He eats one, becoming a Creep for real, and finally taking his place as not the school's punching bag. Wow. That's a really good ending. I know that's really not a good thing to do, but given what everyone in the school's been like this whole time, I'll let them have it.
Extra Toppings
Once, when someone became Ricky's partner in science, they bunked off school for 2 weeks to get out of it.
Any Questions?
So, who actually was the Creep commander? And why were the Creeps making Ricky's life a living hell if they were just there to turn everyone in the school into Creeps?
Conclusion
Calling All Creeps is a very good book. The protagonist is sympathetic, though at times that can go a bit too far (IE: the teacher laughing at him). Iris, while not exactly central to the plot, does seem like a necessary character, so that we can actually see Ricky in a positive relationship. The best part is probably the dynamic between Ricky and the Creeps; it allows for a lot of tension. There are one or two dreadful bits (like the part when Ricky gets caught by the lunch lady), but overall, a very enjoyable read.
Having read all the Blogger Beware posts, it's only right that I now read yours. And you at least write in English, not Americanish, so that's there.
ReplyDeleteParticularly enjoyed the Iron Maiden references.