Goosebumps #16: One Day at Horrorland

Blurb
The Morris family got lost trying to find Zoo Gardens Theme Park. But that's okay. They found another amusement park instead. It's called HorrorLand. In HorrorLand there are no crowds. No lines. And the admission is free. It seems like a pretty cool place. But that was before that heart-stopping ride on the deadly Doom Slide. And that terrifying experience in the House of Mirrors. Because there's something weird about the rides in HorrorLand. Something a little too creepy. A little too real...

Plot
The Morris Family are on their way to Zoo Gardens, a theme park with a name that makes it sound like a botanical garden. And, seeing as this is a book set at Horrorland, it only seems logical to do a roll call of sorts.

• Lizzie "The Calm one" Morris, our narrator who hopefully does a lot more in this book than last week's.
• Luke "Mad Pincher" Morris, Lizzie's obligatorily annoying younger brother.
• Clay "Slightly nervous" Lastnameunrevealed, Luke's best friend who wasn't asked to come help them when they went to  Horrorland, for no reason.
• Lizzie's Mum and Dad. What? You wanted more? All I know about them other than the fact that they're Lizzie's parents is that Dad supports the Chicago Cubs, because he's wearing a Cubs cap.

The car ride is incredibly boring because they're lost in the middle of nowhere since they left the map at home. Luke proclaims himself the Mad Pincher (Reader beware, you're in for a scare) and starts pinching Clay. Gripping. Lizzie, inadvertently being empathetic for once, thinks that the whole 'Mad Pincher' routine is the worst thing since the combined spelling and pronunciation of 'Arkansas.' Why am I mentioning this seemingly obsolete, incredibly annoying scene, you ask? Because it's actually relevant in the plot later. Dear lord, I wish I was joking. After an entire chapter of being lost in the desert, doing absolutely nothing of value (other than the 'Mad Pincher' routine [sigh]), they pull over. Lizzie looks through the sunroof to see a gigantic monster about to crush the car. If I wasn't such a stickler for continuity, I'd say that the monster crushed the car and everyone died. But, on it's not a monster, it's a sign for a theme park called Horrorland. This is the debut of the place they decided to theme a 19-book long series with 2 arcs around. They decide to go there, since they've nothing better to do. "Some of these place aren't safe," says Mum. Oh, if only you knew. "Nah, it'll be completely safe," says Luke. (*everyone in the universe looks into an imaginary camera as if they're on The Office.*)

So, off to Horrorland they go. They arrive in the trying-to-be-spooky car park, which barely has any cars in it. So, they park the car and make their way to the entrance. Then, suddenly, their car explodes out of nowhere. But, regardless, they head to the entrance booth, run by one of the Horrors (please keep in mind that the Morrises believe that they're just people in costumes). "Welcome to Horrorland," he says, as organ music plays because this is now Young Frankenstein. Dad frantically asks if they have any phones for him to call the police or something, but the Horror at the booth replies that they have no phones in the park. Probably so that nobody can call their lawyers. The Horror says that the Horrors will take care of everything, and allows them free admission. Nothing suspicious here! 

Mum and Dad go to look for a phone, leaving Lizzie, Luke, and Clay to wander around the park themselves. The first thing they see is a seemingly-robot werewolf. Because the whole, "Oh, it's just a robot" excuse is just so plausible. They then walk past a sign that reads, 'NO PINCHING.' 

After about a page or 2 of just strolling around, taking in some creative imagery, the gang find a ride called "The Doom Slide." 

"I'll bet you climb to the top, then slide all the way down," I said, pointing to the top of the mountain-shaped building.

Congratulations, Sherlock. So, they get to the top and the 2 Horrors running the place warn them not to pick the Doom Slide, because if they do, they'll slide forever. So, can't they call the attraction something else if there's only one doom slide? But, Lizzie, Luke, and Clay all pick a slide, and off they go. At the other end, Clay doesn't come out. Realising that he probably picked the doom slide, Lizzie and Luke run back to the top and both hop down the slide Clay went on. This is in spite of the fact that at most theme parks, you usually aren't allowed to go down a slide 2 at a time. And besides, they'll be some kid trying to climb up at least one of them. So, they speed off down the doom slide. After a while, they realise that they haven't come out of the slide, when they really should've by now. Wouldn't sliding forever get a bit boring after a while? Then, they go through what seems to be cobwebs. Oh, I'm terrified. After brushing them off, they realise that they're heading straight for a fire. Shouldn't they're be slight damage to the slide then if it's been they're for ages? And where's the fuel for the fire? "Help!" cries Luke, despite the fact there's not a chance that anyone would hear him. Luckily, it's not real fire; just an effect. The only reason that I'm not going to play my "Anticlimax!" card here is because I'm saving it for later. Now that's a scary thought. They pop out the other end of the slide, where Clay is waiting. He says that they must be in a different part of the park, and when Luke and Lizzie didn't show, he just decided to stand there and wait for them. Instead of, say, going to a nearby snack vendor whilst he was waiting.

The gang set off once more. Luke mentions that their parents won't be difficult to find; after all, the park isn't that crowded. But it is rather large, so it could still be difficult, you fool! Suddenly, a horror starts telling them to get out of the park as fast as they can. Even in the '90s, you can't escape Horrors telling you to get out! This is the sort of thing that normally gets you fired; why do you keep doing it? Luke just assumes it part of the park. "Help! This Horror just stabbed me!" "Oh, it's probably what they always do! It's just part of the fun!"

Deciding to have some fun before mum and dad make them leave, Luke and Clay head into the house of mirrors. The most thrilling sounding attraction of them all! Also, why does Horrorland suddenly have mirrors? When did they start acting as the gateway into another dimension? Lizzie can't seem to find Luke and Clay, given that it's more of a mirror maze than a house of mirrors. I was expecting more lawsuits by now. When Luke and Clay go quiet, Lizzie comes to the immediate conclusion that they've disappeared. But they haven't; it's just one of Luke's pranks. Oh, Shari Sheena Chuck and Steve Lindy Heather Doug Ethan Luke! She eventually catches up with the boys, but they're separated from each other by a large wall of glass. They try to look for an exit, but to no avail. Suddenly, the walls start closing in because that's the only death trap they have in this universe. As the mirrors start to literally crush Lizzie (typical day on the school bus), the floor drops and she's safe. Hey, I've got a letter for the bloke in charge here:

Clay and Lizzie are naturally shaken by almost being crushed to death, but Luke just thinks the whole thing was awesome for no other logical reason than he's actually a generic Jack Nicholson role. Lizzie points out that if the mechanism had been delayed by even a second, they would be dead. Also, what if you were really tall? You're neck would probably be snapped before you knew what was happening. I'm pretty sure that, at Horrorland, the safety inspector does about as much work as my chemistry teacher (though he probably doesn't just insult all of the Horrors).

Luke asks a nearby Horror if anyone's ever died here. "Once," replies the Horror. "Everybody who died here only died once." Ha ha ha. The Horror proceeds to just walk off. Well, that was rude. Lizzie, Luke, and Clay set off in search of Mum and Dad. They pass a tree with a sign that reads "BEWARE OF TREE SNAKES." Then they hear hissing and run away. Well, what were you expecting? They later pass some statues which play evil laughter, so they run away from those as well. You know, like when you pass the Easter Island heads at Legoland and you run away whilst simultaneously wetting your pants  when they start singing. After a bit of walking down the path, they come across a sign that says "FRONT EXIT. DON'T BOTHER. YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE." They just assume that this is a joke, because apparently everything is here. Ha ha ha! I almost got crushed to death! Oh, we were laughing for days! 

They continue down the path, and come across a new attraction. They notice that the path doesn't go around the attraction, called The Bat Barn. They can't go over it, they can't go under it, they can't go around it. Oh no! They've got to go through it! So, in they go, and, predictably, they have banana cream pies chucked at them. No. Of course they are swarmed by bats. Anyone who's been to the Fruit Bat Forest at Chester Zoo will know that bats don't act like that. And then suddenly the bats just vanish from existence. What? And... no, that's never explained. Unless they all did Batman-esque departures. 

They leave, and spy what looks like their parents by the "ALLIGATOR POND." However, it's just 2 random people. That was a great scene. Suddenly, they spy 2 Horrors and Lizzie decides to ask them where their parents are. Does Horrorland have no lost children tent? Or maybe they do and it's actually a pit full of bombs that deactivate at 1 second before they detonate. So, anyway, Lizzie describes her parents in incredibly vivid detail...

"My Mum has black hair. My Dad is fairly short and has blond hair."

Afer informing the Horrors that Mum's wearing a yellow sundress (whatever that is) and Dad's wearing a Chicago Cubs cap, they somehow figure out who they're talking about. The Horrors tell the gang that they have seen Mum and Dad... as they were leaving about half an hour ago. And the award for world's best parents that I just made up goes to... not Lizzie's parents, that's for sure. They left a message for Lizzie, Luke, and Clay - "Goodbye."Well, that's rude. So, the gang start pondering over what to do now. They can't go home - they have no money and they're about 500km away. Typical overseas Scout camp. They eventually decide that the Horrors lied and decide to keep looking for Mum and Dad. That was a great scene.

They start strolling around again and eventually stop near the Alligator Pond. Again. And we discover the entire purpose of the Alligator Pond - a jumpscare, everyone's favourite horror trope! "I have a bad feeling about this," says Lizzie because this is Star Wars now, when suddenly she feels someone push her into the pond. Except it's not somebody pushing her in the pond, it's just Dad grabbing her shoulders. Because that's what I'd do when I found my missing daughter. But, whatever, everyone's back together now. Dad couldn't find a phone, presumably because this place was designed by deputy headmasters, the sort of people who believe that phones are made of Satanium (Element number 666, atomic weight 1332).

They wander around the park once more (because we can't do anything else in this story) and come across a ride called Coffin Cruise. Having played the Horrorland DS game, I have a massive chip on my shoulder about this ride. So, they decide to try it out because everything's being going fantastically so far. But of course, it's the hardest minigame in the history of the universe , so this will not end well. They get in the open coffins which are floating on the calm water (You know what, this sounds boring, let's go back to the death traps) and start to cruise down the river. Suddenly, the coffins close and they lose the minigame. Well, they don't lose the minigame, but the coffins do close. Oh... no? What's actually wrong here? Then bugs start crawling over them. This is a bit relaxed for Horrorland, isn't it? And then the lid suddenly pops open and the bugs magically disappear. And, again, that's never explained. "That's going too far! cries Dad as they all get out. I mean, sure, your kids were almost crushed to death, but bugs? That's too far! And it's not even lunch time yet.

They decide to leave and head to the ticket booths. However, all of the booths are empty presumably because everyone got fired for blowing up the family's car (I mean, it's pretty obvious).There is also a sign that reads, "NO EXIT. NO ONE LEAVES HORRORLAND ALIVE!" So, if you're undead then I guess you can just stroll out like nothing's up. But, regardless, Lizzie goes to open the exit gate, but she finds that it's locked. "Maybe it's another joke," says Luke, despite the fact that we've long since  disproven that. Mum and Dad, in a surprising display of humanity, competence, and likeability, start acting optimistic and promising that they'll get out of this and look back on this whole experience and laugh.

Suddenly, dozens of Horrors emerge from the shadows and surround the gang. Looks like this is the end for our heroes (and Luke), but then a Horror emerges from the pack of Horrors, saying that she's the Horrorland MC. She then drops the mixtape she's been making (hence the MC part) and burns Luke to death. "This is awesome!" he cries. OK, not really. The MC thanks the Morrises and Clay for being their guests. Yep, the whole thing was for a reality show called Horrorland Hidden Camera. This is the plot of the Even Stevens movie. It's apparently on The Monster Channel. Sounds like a shopping channel that only advertises energy drinks. But, yeah, this doesn't explain the disappearing bats and insects. Also, the fact that you blew up their car makes this show kind of shady. You could even say that

The MC tells the gang that they've got a new car waiting for them in the car park. I hope that the Morrises didn't have anything important in their old car. The MC points to a large green building, claiming that the building is the real exit. After the MC thanks the gang for appearing on the show, the 5 head through the door of that building. This seems legitimate and not at all suspicious!

Of course it's a trap, and it's actually an obstacle course, creatively titled "The Monster Assault Course." They've got about a minute to do that. Seems fair. After Lizzie passes through the forgettable assault course that's pretty much monsters getting chucked at them with no rhyme or reason. Read the book if you want to know what happens, let's just get to the end. The announcer says that 3 out of the 5 of them survived. Except, wait, it was just a mistake, everyone survived. 

So, the obstacle course is over, and now it's time to leave. So the Horrors are going to chuck the gang in a pit of some odd sludge that sucks stuff under it. This isn't going to get you many returning customers. Lizzie says "Let's see who you really are!" because this is now Scooby-Doo, and grabs the face of the MC to pull it off. But it's her real face: the Horrors are actually monsters.

But, yeah, the whole thing is still a TV show. It's watched by 2 million monsters every week. So, it's basically spooky love island - dreadful programming, yet it somehow draws in loads of viewers. Dad tries to display some human emotion, but Lizzie is like "Oh, this isn't your fault." As they're about to get pushed into the death gunge (Luke must be ecstatic by now) Lizzie gets an idea, and she pinches the MC. "The Mad Pincher returns!" she proclaims, much to the annoyance of the entire multiverse. Suddenly, the MC deflates, and the gang realise how to defeat them.

So, of course, the gang make their way through the Horrors, pinching them as they go. Has nobody tried this before? They run out of the park to a bus which, of course, has the keys in it. The bus driver was presumably promptly fired. They speed off home, probably getting several hundred speeding tickets and confused looks on the way. At home, they celebrate (presumably whilst singing 'Celebrations' by Kool and the Gang), when suddenly they notice a horror hanging onto the back of the bus. Turns out he brought them free passes for next year. So that's how Lizzie and Luke got back into Horrorland!

Continuity Corner
So, what happened to The Horrorland Hidden Camera Show? It's never mentioned again. And why have Lizzie and Luke never tried pinching the Horrors again?

Conclusion
One Day at Horrorland is definitely not as good as most people say it is. I can see why they made a series based around it (I mean, there's a lot you can do with the concept) but here, it's mainly just dull. None of the attractions are creative, aside from the Doom Slide, and the whole 'Reality Show' plot twist is incredibly stupid and makes no sense. And, of course, the whole climax is completely absurd. Overall, not really worth reading unless you're reading Escape From Horrorland and are confused as to who Lizzie and Luke Morris are.