Goosebumps Horrorland #9: Welcome to Camp Slither

Blurb
Boone and Heather are psyched for summer camp. The legends of man-eating snakes and disappearing campers are hisss-terical! Sure, it's strange that the camp lotion makes their skin peel, but there's a good explanation, right? Right?!
Things get even worse when Boone joins the other eleven Very Special - AND Very Stupid Terrified! - Guests at Horrorland. There's something Very Wrong about a bumper-car ride called the R.I.P.P.E.R...

Plot
Well, it's about 17 weeks into the blog, and only now are we talking about Summer Camp, that awful American invention that I'm glad we don't have in England. The protagonist, Boone Dixon, and his sister, Heather, seem to hold a different opinion to me, however, as they're going utterly nuts over the prospect of being shipped off to the middle of the woods away from their friends and family due to their parents' decision. However, they're excited because the camp they're off to, Camp Hither (subtle), is all about animals. Boone and Heather really like animals, so... yeah. A boy holding a manga book sits net to Boone on the bus to camp. If this was set in the present day, he'd be murdered on the spot for the manga book. The boy's name? Roddy McDonald. (Boone at first mishears this as Ronald McDonald.) Remember when stuff happened in these books? I know it's only chapter 2, but quite a lot of people will just get bored, close the book, and wish that they bought something else from Waterstones. Anyway, Roddy warns Boone about all the snakes at the camp, and how it's developed the nickname, "Camp Slither." Thinking about it, what kind of name is Camp Hither, anyway? The word hither doesn't even mean anything; at least, not on it's own. Boone tries to ask some kids who went to Camp Snakey McSnakeFace last year about the snakes. I like that name, I'm gonna stick with it. However, everyone here's new. This means one of 2 things: 1: The camp sucks so much that nobody ever wanted to come back, or 2: No-one ever came back. (Dun-dun-duuuun!) Suddenly, there's a rattling sound, and Roddy flips out, making the logical assumption. However, it was just Heather, rattling her bracelets. Reader beware, you're in for a scare.

They get to Camp Snakey McSnakeFace, where they are greeted by the guy in charge, the most un-subtle snake person in the history of the universe. He's wearing a t-shirt with a snake on it, and his name is Dr Crawler. Dr Crawler. Actually, thinking about it, snakes don't crawl, do they? They slither, or, at the very least, slide. Roddy keeps flipping out. By this point, I think his parents should just come and collect him before he has a heart attack. The guy in charge of Boone and Roddy's cabin, Nathan, proceeds to attempt to presumably mentally scar/traumatize Roddy for the rest of his life and beyond have some light-hearted fun by scaring Roddy with snakes. Boone, Roddy, and their other 2 bunkmates, Sid and Kelly, are taken to the nurse, who immediately without warning sprays them with some kind of weird aerosol. I'm pretty sure that
The stuff is actually apparently sun lotion, which they call Sun-Glo. That sounds like a glow-stick from Lidl. They head to their cabin, all of which are named after, you guessed it, Aldi products. No, not really. They are of course named after snakes, though, disappointingly, none of them are called Black Adder. Boone, Roddy, Sid, and Kelly head off to their cabin, Cottonmouth.After a while, thy have a fight with the Sun-Glo (even Roddy gets in on it), Boone's hand feels itchy. They haven't even left the cabin, and already they've got poison ivy. Then he scratches it, and a strip of his skin peels off in his hand. I guess this is why they tell you not to scratch it when it's itchy.

Everyone heads off down to the campfire. On the way, Roddy tells Boone about this awesome terrifying myth he'd heard about the camp. In the lake, there's apparently a gigantic diamond-back snake called Serpo. Apparently, if it's not fed, then it crawls out of the lake and attacks the camp. So, the counselors feed it by making all the campers swim across the lake, where it devours them. OK, this seems pretty good. Awesome monster, completely chilling, so how could they possibly mess this up? Anyway, at the campfire, Dr Crawler starts talking about some rock, when, luckily, it's drowned out by a strange hissing noise. Roddy of course flips out, meaning that he'll probably die of a heart attack by the end of the week at this rate. Dr Crawler just brushes it off as crickets, despite the fact that crickets clearly don't sound like that. Of course, no-one believes him. Then, Dr Crawler announces the cabin wars, which could've made for an interesting B-plot (maybe learning about some of the campers other than Boone, Heather, Roddy, Sid, and Kelly) but doesn't really go anywhere, since this is only a 21 chapter story. However, Dr C tells them that the main event is the camp swimming race across the lake. Well, why couldn't it just be that, then?

The next morning, Roddy wakes up screaming about (what else?) a snake. They see something wriggling around in his ear, but it's just a caterpillar. That was a great scene. Later, they all go on a hike, and come up with what could've been the camp meme: "Keep downwind." Basically, they end up passing a bunch of skunks, so Nathan tells them to keep downwind. So they just keep saying that for the rest of the day. After the hike, Nathan tells Boone, Roddy, Sid, and Kelly to get their trunks, since they're off to the lake for a swim. Roddy is of course not too happy about this, because, y'know, Serpo. Nathan, in order to prove how safe the lake is, jumps in, only to start thrashing around, sink and not come back up. (*Slow clapping*)So, in a scene lifted straight from Welcome to Camp Nightmare (next time), Boone dives in after Nathan. Really? Dude, he's been tormenting Roddy all day, and besides, there's a gigantic snake in there! But, regardless, Boone goes after Nathan. Suddenly, something grabs Boone's leg. Unfortunately, it's not the awesome giant snake, but instead Nathan, who's sadly not dead. They hang out in the water for a bit, but Roddy of course stays out, because Nathan has incinerated any chances he's had of enjoying himself at Camp Snakey McSnakeFace.

Later, Boone, Sid, and Kelly are hanging out in the cabin. Suddenly, a bunch of counselors come in and collect Roddy's stuff, saying that he's left. For some reason, Kelly is surprised by the fact that he's left so early, despite the fact that they've all seen Nathan brutally murdering Roddy's sanity since day 1. Boone is suspicious, since Roddy left his manga book. Maybe he didn't like because he didn't know that you're supposed to read it backwards, and wanted to get rid of it. Boone asks Sid and Kelly to come and investigate with him. They of course deny, because, y'know, the evil counselors that feed people to gigantic snakes. He even dares them, but for some reason, they still deny. What? But you surely can't refuse a dare!

Boone has a quick sleep in his clothes, and wakes up a few minutes before midnight. (*Iron Maiden intensifies*) As he strolls around the camp searching for clues, because Boone is apparently Ace Ventura (it fits with the animals, OK?), Heather shows up and scares him, because he had asked her to come with him. Why did she agree? The hissing begins again (in real life, I think that would be more annoying than scary), and they come across a tall black building. Because the camp is run by Lord Business. They come across a large room, full of mice, in a cage of chicken wire. So this is what the behind the scenes on Stuart Little looked like! Boone realises that this must prove the Serpo theory, since these mice must be food for him. So, then, what's the point of feeding him the campers? They accidentally release the mice, but manage to get away with the aid of Sid and Kelly. Well, they need to do something in this story. Hey, erm, aren't there supposed to be snakes somewhere in this camp? It's chapter 14 and I haven't seen a single one yet, except on Dr Crawler's t-shirt. They go to the counselors cabin to get some answers. However, the door's locked. Time for the classic Goosebumps solution: Breaking and entering! And here's me, thinking that they'd forgotten it. So, they trespass, only to come across snakes in the counselors' beds. I don't like the implications of this. Boone, heather, Sid, and Kelly run away, but the snakes follow them. They're snakes, not cheetahs! They should be easy to outrun! Luckily, they escape, because snakes are not fast.

At breakfast the next morning, Boone confronts Nathan about the snakes in their beds. Nathan just says that all the counselors had been down by the lake having a camp-out, and the snakes must've just crawled into their beds under the covers. As snakes do. Nathan, after wrapping up his completely obvious lie, tells Boone, Sid, and Kelly that they're going to practice for the swimming race. (*Out of context alert*) Boone goes over to Heather, telling her that they have to escape. And go where, exactly? Heather checks the brochure she conveniently brought with her for a map, only to find that Dr Crawler, who hasn't shown up for ages in this book, is not the head counselor, but rather someone called Uncle Jerry is. They head off in search of Uncle Jerry, and go to Dr Crawler's office on the edge of the woods. They come to a door with Uncle Jerry's name on it, and enter, only to come across Dr Crawler.  Maybe his real name is Uncle Jerry. Anyway, Dr Crawler now has snake teeth. He says that they've found Uncle Jerry, and spins the chair next to him around, revealing an enormous cottonmouth snake. That, apparently, is Uncle Jerry. Build up? What's that? Boone grabs Dr Crawler by the arms, screaming at him for the truth like a regular, sane person, when suddenly he pulls his skin off. Good job, Boone, you've murdered him! You're off to juvie, you sick individual. Actually, Dr Crawler is a snake as well. Yep, turns out Dr Crawler, Uncle Jerry, and the other counselors were scientists the whole time! They had accidentally transformed themselves into snakes, because it's science, and that can pretty much do anything in this universe. So, anyway, while the counselors are snakes, Serpo isn't real. Curses. The mice are just there to feed the counselors. 
So, what's the snakes' evil plan? Turn kids into snakes so that they can figure out how to turn them back into humans! That seems awfully redundant; can't they just experiment on each other? Uncle Jerry informs them that they need to work faster, because the cops are starting to close in. They're snakes! What can the cops do to them? Chuck them in the zoo?

The counselors take Boone and Heather to the big black building, into a room full of machinery, with which they experiment on the campers.Somehow, these were what produced the hissing noise, despite the fact that machinery traditionally doesn't make snake noises. They discover that Roddy is there, too, except now he has a black forked tongue. Who wants to bet that Nathan chose him to experiment on just so they could mess with him a bit? Dr Crawler reveals that the Sun-Glo isn't sun-lotion at all - it's snake DNA. This is what happens when you buy the own-brand stuff. 'Apparently, that's supposed to assist in their transformation into snakes, despite the fact that DNA can't just be sprayed onto someone in order for it to become part of their genes. The counselors put metal cones on Boone and Heather's heads, and them proceed to activate the machine which is connected to Roddy. Roddy turns into a red-striped snake. I'm pretty sure that this should be enough to shatter his mental stability and push him over the edge. Wonderful job, guys. They switch on the machine connected to Boone, and just before he can turn into a snake, Heather rattles her bracelet, distracting literally everyone, buying Boone enough time to escape the machine and grab Roddy. Boone informs Dr Crawler that Roddy's been turned into a King Snake, because Dr Crawler and Uncle Jerry are complete and utter morons. King Snakes apparently love eating other snakes. While that may be true, Roddy still has a human brain, so he's not going to try and eat any of the snakes. Dr Crawler lunges to attack Roddy, but Roddy dodges out of the way, so Dr Crawler bites himself and collapses, dead. (*Slow clapping*) The other snakes run away in terror, and Roddy turns back into a human. Somehow, he seems perfectly sane and not at all traumatised.

The next day, the camp's closed early, so mum and dad come to pick Boone and Heather up. Since it's Heather's birthday, Boone gives her a present: a garden snake he'd picked up from the camp. 
And before I could answer, the snake opened it's jaws and hissed, "Many happy returnsss!"
That sounds like the punchline to a really bad joke about snakes. Or just a really bad joke about snakes. Could be either, really.

Enter Horrorland
So, after the incident at Camp Snakey McSnakeFace, Boone's been stuck at home, having a boring summer. Luckily, he gets an invite to Horrorland, because he's the protagonist of the previous story, so it's kind of a given. When he gets there, he discovers the Very special Guests, trapped under some kind of net. Time for a roll call:
Boone tries to rescue the gang, but to no avail, as he's pulled in by the vines. Ned, the elderly horror who gave them some kind of meeting in Who's Your Mummy? shows up with a bunch of other horrors, who free them from the vines. The horrors instruct them all onto the bus, one of them inadvertently revealing that all horrors are terrified of snakes. Way to scare-down your "villains," guys! Boone sits down on the bus next to - you guessed it - Matt. (*Groan*) Ned reveals that Byron, the horror who'd been telling them that they're all in danger, no longer works for the park. Good riddance. Ned tells them that he's taking them to... The Keeper! In Say Cheese and Die Screaming, Byron had told Julie to beware of The Keeper, so naturally, the others are pretty frightened. Boone suddenly acts like there's a snake on the bus, causing all the horrors to stop it and rub away in panic. Aren't they just so intimidating?

The gang runs off to Goodbye Land, where they come across a ride called the R.I.P.P.E.R DIPPER, Horrorland's latest lawsuit machine. It's pretty much a bumper car ride in a straight line that leads into a dirty great hole in the ground. I can't see that ever going wrong! Matt concludes that they can ride the cars down the hole (that's the point of the ride, because that sounds safe) and make their way from where they land to the tunnels that they came across in My Friends Call Me Monster, and follow them to the exit. What about Britney, Michael, and Molly Molloy? Also, shouldn't you guys have a back-up plan? I mean, it seems like there are many ways that this plan could go wrong. Boone inquires to Matt as to why they're trying to escape. Matt responds with "There's no time to explain," presumably because he has no idea why or how they're in danger. So, anyway, they all get in the bumper cars and drive down the hole. They fall to the ground, 1km down, and die. The end. No, not really. They plummet down, and get ejected from the bumper cars. They fall to the ground, but luckily (or sadly, in Matt's case), they survive because they land on a gigantic air mattress at the bottom. I don't think a gigantic mattress would stop you landing on your head, snapping your neck, and going to the afterlife instantly. Ned and a bunch of horrors show up and accost them.
The fact that this is the 2nd time I've used that joke shows how bad the behaviour displayed by the adults is.

Ned takes the gang to Casa de Keeper, which looks like Andy Warhol's living room, and locks them in. Because there's not really much except furniture that looks like it's been in an explosion at the luminous paint factory, they head into the next room. Within, it seems to be a storage room. The contents are easy on the eyes enough, but the walls still seem to be attempting to extract blood samples from your eyes. Suddenly, Abby notices a mummy with it's wrappings torn out, and stares in horror. Carly Beth notices the Haunted Mask, and starts quivering in fear. Julie notices the evil camera and spells out the obvious in shock (no-one bothers to dispute with her, presumably because they aren't accountants, so an evil camera is not too far-fetched for them). Billy (first time he's actually done anything today) and Sheena notice a picture of Captain Ben One-Leg, and Sheena gets his name wrong in terror. As they start to realise that there may be a link with the adventures that they went on, and their invites to Horrorland, the Keeper enters. I was about to say that that means that there's no point in Robby being here, since his "adventure" was just a comic he drew, but then the Keeper disproves that theory by his mere identity. So, who is the Keeper, you ask? No, it's not Joe Hart, though I can see why you'd think that. The Keeper is... (*Drum roll*) Dr Maniac!
'Bout time. Where's he been for the past 4 books? He gets me the views! So, of course, the "good" doctor entertains us with his usual maniacal antics. Robby shows the Very Special Guests a drawing of Dr Maniac and explains how he created him and stuff. Dr Maniac proceeds to grab the drawing and eat it. I'd make a joke, but nothing would compare to Dr Maniac doing his thing.
"Keeping you here is EASY! That's why they call me the Keeper! They don't call me The Let-'Em-Goer - do they?"
Matt (urgh) tries to intimidate Dr Maniac (let's just have these 2 partake in an epic battle already. I'll write if I must.) Matt of course fails, because he's Matt "Attention Hog" Daniels, and Dr Maniac is the pinnacle of strength and comedic genius. Dr Maniac throws a switch, and floor becomes a treadmill of sorts. While Dr Maniac is, well, a maniac, he at least has the common sense to float up so as to not have to use the treadmill. Suddenly, in bursts the Purple Rage, Dr Maniac's almost-as-funny nemesis, and he's as furious as ever. However, it looks like Dr Maniac and the Purple Rage have teamed up, because they start hugging. Oh no! You fools, you're giving Tumblr material to make a Dr Maniac X Purple Rage fanfic! The reputation of humanity is doomed! When Boone tries to question the Purple Rage, the latter grabs Boone by the neck, and, in all seriousness, he starts pondering what balloon animal he should twist Boone into, and if that isn't the best cliffhanger this series has produced, you're clearly deluded.

Any Questions?
So, what happens to the bumper cars in the R.I.P.P.E.R. DIPPER once the riders have been ejected? And how come nobody else was riding it? And what does R.I.P.P.E.R even stand for, anyway?


Conclusion
Welcome to Camp Slither is... OK. It's better than Monster Blood for Breakfast, sure, but there isn't really much in it. Serpo seemed like a cool idea, but the idea of tossing him away as nothing more than a myth seemed like a bit of a letdown. Why not make Serpo the twist ending? Like, have Boone glance back at the camp as he leaves and see a giant snake poke its had out of the lake or something. The best part is, of course, the part with Dr Maniac, though that's kind of a given. Over all, because of Dr Maniac, I'll give it a pass.

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