Jillian and Jackson freak out when they suddenly can read people's thoughts. But the trick turns to terror when the twins are stalked by a strange scientist who wants to know exactly what's on their minds. Will the twins ever lead normal lives again?
Not in HorrorLand they won't. There are free meals, free games, and free falls down the Doom Slide. Someone's watching their every step. But is she friend or foe?
Plot
We open with our protagonists, twin siblings Jillian and Jackson Gerard. Oh dear. Last time I covered twins, it involved fraud and murdering ghosts. And it was incredibly boring and had awful characters. Thankfully, we don't have that problem here. After expositing for a few pages about them being, y'know, twins, Jillian makes the genuinely excellent point that having a twin means that you always have someone to go to the movies with. Which is what they're presently doing, off to see a movie called Butt-Kicker II, about the titular superhero. Justice League? Who're those bed-wetters? As they sit down in their seats to watch the movie, trouble arrives in the shape of the Lerner twins, Artie and Nina. They start complaining. Then why did you come and see the movie in the first place? Jillian proceeds to display the raw power of Butt-Kicker.
"Butt-Kicker could eat Batman for breakfast." I told him.Even with the writers Batman usually has? Crikey. We should send Butt-Kicker into Dark Nights Metal, he'd fix everything before you could say "Dammit, can't all the evil Batmen come back at some point and get more time in the limelight?" So, anyway, Jillian (is Jackson even necessary in this story so far?) explains that the Lerners are complete jerks, and Artie has an incredibly runny nose. And? I mean, they seemingly go to movies just to complain about them, but so does the Nostalgia Critic when you think about it. After Artie starts messing up Jackson's new jumper, they get into a fight. "You're under arrest!" says a nearby security guard, and he kicks the 4 out of the cinema. He of course doesn't actually, arrest them, because that'd be stupid. But he's still kicking them out, and he just said "you're under arrest" to get their attention. Instead of, say, anything else that's not too over-the top.
After strolling around the mall to kill some time while their parents come and pick them up, the chapter ends on one of the most terrifying cliffhangers in Goosebumps history: a car drives over a puddle and splashes Jillian and Jackson! (screaming) Suddenly, they notice a fortune teller booth, kind of like Zoltar, except it's a woman called Madame Doom. They decide to give it a go, only to be swiftly electrocuted. Hey, mall owner: this letter just arrived in the post for you:
At breakfast the next morning, Jillian
At school, during lunch, Jillian hears Nina Lerner talking, but she acts like she's not talking. Jillian quickly realises that she's reading her mind, but doesn't say anything about it, because that would make her look dumb. Suddenly, a chair starts floating through the lunchroom. Again, why am I describing this so nonchalantly? I recently went on a short rant about how Santa wasn't represented properly in a 10 page story, someone with telekinesis should be something I'd go into a lot of detail about! As they head to class, Jillian finds out some guy likes her. Oh, that's nice. Sadly, it goes absolutely nowhere. The teacher says that she's going to collect the homework they'd done at 2:30, instead of right then and there or at the end of the lesson because that would be rational, even for a teacher. Jackson hasn't done the homework, so, despite the fact that missing homework doesn't mean s*** in the grand scheme of things, he uses his telekinetic powers to make the clock stay at 2:05 until the end of the day. Either their school day ends really early, or they have really long lessons. On the way home, Jillian and Jackson discuss their new powers. Despite the fact that they were electrocuted by the same bootleg Zoltar at the same time, they have different powers: Jillian can read minds (which isn't really that useful in combat), and Jackson can move stuff with his mind.
The following day, everyone has to play football during PE. Archie claims his neck hurts, but the PE coach makes him play football anyway. (To clear things up for my American readers, I'm talking about the kind of football where you actually use your feet, not the American kind.) They're tied 2-2, and Jillian gets the ball. She uses her telepathic powers to her advantage, and puzzles over whether or not that's cheating. Why do you need to consider that? It is quite obviously cheating, however supernatural? She ends up passing the ball over to Artie. Big mistake. He immediately trips over it. And the Ballon D'Or goes to... There's not long left, and Jillian's team are 2-3 down. Why am I talking about this with less nonchalance than the whole mental powers thing? So, who does the final shot go to? Archie, of course! Wow, watch out opposition! This time, Archie shows signs of improvement as he manages to kick the ball... but in the wrong direction. Ah well, it's a start. The ball, instead of rocketing into the goal, rockets into Jackson. Jillian reads his mind and realises that he's really angry at Artie. I think I could tell that without reading his mind, but whatever. Before Jillian can stop him, Jackson uses his telekinetic powers to chuck the ball at Artie. Luckliy, he bends over to tie his shoelace, so the ball just flies over his head. Jillian tells Jackson off, because they need to keep these powers a secret. Probably because everyone will want to exploit them or they'll be considered freaks. Perhaps you guys could go to S.H.I.E.L.D with these powers? Did I just consider going to S.H.I.E.L.D a plausible option? Oh no, these books are starting to infect me.
On Saturay, Jillian and Jackson head over to the Lerners to get Jillian's science notebook. Notebook? Is that what they do in American schools? They pass some kids, and Jackson uses his powers to lift one of their bikes into the air. Jillian immediately scolds Jackson for doing this, because, like I just said, they've got to keep their powers secret. There is no mention of what happened to the bike.
They get to Casa de Ironicname (despite their names being Lerner, they clearly are not good learners in the subject of being a decent human being), which is full of boxes and party decorations. This is because they only moved in last month, and also they're throwing a birthday party. No-one likes them, so they of course have invited the entire class. Nina displays the fact that she's a hypochondriac for no reason except for us to make us hate her. I don't like hating these people, because they're just presented as annoying, not as jerks like the Beymer Twins. Anyway, Nina hands Jillian back the notepad, which is wet because Nina dropped in a puddle. Jillian is furious because she now has no notes whatsoever. Isn't Bitesize still a thing? Nina suggests drying it in a microwave. OK, no-one's that stupid except maybe in cartoons. Is the twist that Nina is Patrick Star? Jillian signals for her and Jackson to leave, but Jackson and Artie have started playing Wii Sports boxing. Well, in fairness, Wii Sports usually trumps most priorities - unless those other priorities entail, say, Mariokart Wii. Artie accidentaly punches Jackson in the face, and Jillian realises that Jackson is mad. Didn't we do this already? They proceed to use their powers to freeze the Lerners in place, and blanking ther minds. But then they can't unfreeze them.
The next evening, Jillian and Jackson's parents go out for a dinner party, giving the twins an oppurtunity to test their powers. If this shouldn't be the set up for a Home Alone movie, then I don't know what is. They head down to a nearby tennis court, where Jackson removes the lock with his mind. He comes up with a superhero name for himself - Wonder Warrior. Wonder Warrior. After growing up, Jackson would go on to form Skullboy. Jackson comes up with the idea that maybe they can fly, since they could have powers that they don't know about. One problem: do any of you guys know any superheroes have telepathy and the ability to fly? If that was the case, Professor X wouldn't need his wheelchair or the medication from Days of Future Past. They start running, and leap into the air. "I'm flying!" cries Jillian, right before she crashes into the fence. She cannot actually fly. Jackson then comes up with the idea that they have super strength. You know, like in X-Men: First Class, when Charles Xavier chucked that car at Azazel (I should probably come up with more telepaths other than Professor X).
Suddenly, a boy shows up. Except he's not a kid, he just has a kid's body but an old man's face. When did this turn ino the dream sequence from Junior? The bloke says that his name's Finney, and that something called The Institute sent him. Is this how S.H.I.E.L.D finds new Avengers without attracting attention? Because, if so, you really need a new guy to send. The Institute picked up their vibrations. (Good, good, good, good vibrations.) "You have to see The Inspector," says Finney. Oh no! The moment I dread when The Health Inspector is coming in! Finney pulls out a red gem and reads the inscription, causing him to transform into The Juggernaut. Not really, but that'd be awesome. Actually, he holds it up in front of the twins, and they're transported to The Institute. Didn't we already do this in book 5?
The Institute is a small room full of computers and stuff, and whatever's through the nearby wooden door with a sign on it that says, "The Institute." Well, whatever the Institute is, it certainly needs a bigger budget. The Inspector comes in, and
Inspector Cranium makes Jillian do another, less painful, more sensible test: read Finney's mind. Jillian, actually reading Finney's mind, gets the answer wrong on purpose, and Inspector Cranium gives them his card, despite the fact he is not a businessman, window cleaner, or a-hole who drops buisness cards through your door that end up straight in the recycling. Finney drops the pair of them off at their home, and everything's lovely once again. They decide to google the Institute. Nothing. They google Inspector Cranium. Nothing. They google this blog. Nothing. (Seriously, try it. It doesn't come up.) Then Jackson checks the business card, only to see that it just says "You didn't fool me." Well, your business isn't going to get many returning clients with cards like that.
The next morning, the twins decide to tell their parents the truth about their powers, because that seems safe. However, when they try to, they stutter and can't say anything. For Pete's sake, you're telling your parents that you're X-Men, not telling your crushes that you like them! In fact, it seems that they've forgotten what they were going to say.
The following Saturday, it's the Lerners' birthday party. The twins are being forced to go. Well, at the very least, if it sucks, you can entertain yourselves by complaining to one another. Works all the time for me. Jackson tries to bust all of the balloons at once. Oh no, he's become pure evil! (Chronicle [2012]) The party is incredibly babyish, because it was organised by scout leaders or something. So, yeah, the party goes about as well as you'd expect. Their presents are rejected, Nina spills punch all over Jillian, etc, etc. So, a while later, or, as Jillian puts it -
About two hundred hours later...
Yeesh, it's bad enough that the party sucks; it doesn't have to go on for this long! The cake comes out, and, after the kids have had some cake, and start to file out of the house. Mrs Lerner goes out to collect the Lerners' dad, and, as Jillian and Jackson are about to leave, the twins stop them. They say that they need to tell them something. Before they can, Inspector Cranium busts in. He reveals (in passing) that he's after the Lerners, since they also have powers. He then reveals his backstory (of sorts) for no particular reason. He's an inspector for the Thought Police, a secret society that drains the brains (whatever that means) of any superpowered individuals. Lots of people have powers, but only a few know how to use them properly, and he has to get rid of the rest. Yes, clearly you, Inspector Cranium, know how to use you powers, going around wiping the minds of innocent people. I'm surprised the Avengers haven't recruited you yet! As the Inspector starts draining the Lerners' brains, Jackson creates a diversion by force-strangling him long enough for the twins to get away. Inspector Cranium overcomes Darth Jackson, and turns back to the Lerners, only for Nina to lift him high into the air. Nina reveals that she, like Jackson, is telekinetic, but how powers are a lot stronger. She tells the twins that she and Artie were born with powers and are constantly on the run from the Thought Police. So, does that mean that they're technically mutants? Shouldn't Professor X have found them using Cerebro by now? Nina and Artie act like nerdy klutzes in order to divert attention away from them. Yeah, I think there's a different member of The Breakfast Club you should be if you want that to happen. Y'know, THE LONER? Inspector Cranium grabs Jillian's hair (what's that supposed to accomplish?), so Jackson tries to force choke the Inspector again. It doesn't work, and Inspector Cranium sends Jackson flying across the room. In order to stop him, Nina uses her telekinetic powers to break the Inspector's hand. Bloody hell, Nina! Artie chooses this moment to unvil his powers: he can control time (sort of). OK, as someone who is really into deciphering time travel and its impacts, I can safely say that none of the things Artie can do make sense. He reverses the timestream of the eaten cake so that it reforms, despite the fact that it's in everyone's digestive system. He shoves the cake into the Inspector's face, because this is now The 3 Stooges. This seems a bit tame; how's Artie going to mutilate the Inspector? Well, as if to answer my question, he uses his time manipulation powers to turn the Inspector into a baby. Time manipulation! Then Nina takes him off of the ceiling, and sends him flying out the window, far, far away. Err... you just dumped a baby in the middle of nowhere, you sick individuals!
A few days later, the Lerners are nowhere to be found at school. Jillian and Jackson depart to their house, but it's empty, figuring that the twins have fled to hide from the Thought Police. They're going to be really annoyed when they do show up at the house only to find it abandoned. On their way to the shops, where they're meant to go, they think about Cranium, and the possiblity that they might have to keep moving. They probably won't; I mean, it's not like their parents would ever believe the whole "superpowers" thing. Suddenly, they spy a familiar bootleg Zoltar - it's Madame Doom again. They decide to try it out, despite the fact that the last time they used this thing, they were electrocuted. They put the coin, and they get given their fortune: "Take good care of your teeth, and they will take good care of you." Huh? What in the multiverse does that mean? They flip the card over, revealing some more text on the other side: "Welcome to Horrorland." I've gotta say, this doesn't seem like a good marketing campaign.
Enter Horrorland
Jillian and Jackson recieve an invitation to Horrorland, because of course they do. They decide to go so that they can find some answers about their new abilities, due to their original fortune and all. I've got to admit, that is not that bad of an idea. As they make their way to The Doom Slide, they come across (what else?) a Madame Doom booth. What a coincidence! They decide to get their fortune, which thankfully this time does not say "Welcome to Horrorland." Rather, it says, "Escape Horrorland." Dammit, Madame Doom, make up your mind! Suddenly, who should appear but Inspector Cranium? And, yeah, he gives no clear explanation whatsoever for how he stopped being a baby. He says that someone promised him revenge, but not who. Eh, does anyone really expect him to give a clear explanation? He starts to drain the twins' brains, but Jackson lifts the Madame Doom mannequin out of its booth and hurls at the Inspector, who just falls over, knocked out.
The Inspector gets back up, and starts chasing the twins. They run to the Doom Slide, where they pick one of the slides and shoot down it. As they slide down, Inspector Cranium calls out that they can't escape "The Menace," whoever that is. Wait a sec... Guys, I've just figured out the mastermind behind this whole operation:
So they get to the Keeper's Andy Warhol-designed living quarters. And there's Dr Maniac, The Purple Rage (*fanboying intensifies*), and The Very
- Britney "Missing" Crosby, and her stupidly named friend, Molly Molloy, from Revenge of the Living Dummy. (Still missing. Seriously, they've been absent since book 2 [aside from a brief cameo in book 5], and no-one seems hell bent on looking for them.)
- Billy "Punching Bag" Deep, and his sister that nobody really cares about, Sheena, from Creep from the Deep.
- Matt "Shouldn't Be in Charge" Daniels, the attention hog from Monster Blood for Breakfast.
- Carly Beth "Should Be in Charge" Caldwell, and her expendable best friend, Sabrina Mason, from The Scream of the Haunted Mask.
- Robby "Superhero" Schwartz, the protagonist from Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz, who took a backseat to literally all of the villains in the book.
- Abby "Black Sabbath Album" Martin, who's new nickname is just a terrible pun, from Who's Your Mummy?
- Michael "Monster" Munroe, who's missing and yet no-one really cares, from My Friends Call Me Monster.
- Julie "Photoholic" Martin who for some reason has the same surname as Abby, from Say Cheese and Die Screaming!
- Boone "Ace Ventura" Dixon, who's adventure was a complete letdown, from Welcome to Camp Slither.
- And finally, Jillian "X-man" Jackson, and her telekinetic brother, Jackson, from this book.
"That SPLITS my SPAGHETTI!"Oh my god. They just killed off the Purple Rage. I'm actually rather upset now. Excuse me, everyone. (*furiously blows nose in order to stop crying*) So, in wake of the tragic death of The Purple Rage, it's going to take comedy of brobdingnagian proportions to cheer me and a bunch of his fans up. Luckily, Dr Maniac's still here. Something seems off to me, though. He's not as funny as usual. He starts joking about the tragic and painful death of one of my favourite characters. Dude. Too soon. He then proceeds to flip a switch, and then room starts getting hot. Like, South of Portugal hot. Everyone starts screaming in agony, when Jillian reads the mind of Robby and realises that he's trying to figue out how to stop Dr Maniac. The villain flips another switch, and the room's temperature drops. There's cold air of Scottish proportions. "Don't catch your deaths!" cries Dr Maniac... right before Robby just falls over and dies. Yikes. 2 characters, dead in the past paragraph. Dr Maniac realises, "I've screwed up! The menace is going to kill me now!" Jillian is unsure as to who that is. Just read his mind, you fool! Dr Maniac runs away, panicking, and Robby gets back up. He's not actually dead. Oh, thank goodness. I'd hate to see Dr Maniac's reputation tarnished by murder. Jillian had known about this plan, since she's, y'know, a telepath, and had helped by pointing the finger at Dr Maniac. Jillian and Jackson reveal their powers to the gang, and Jackson starts to open the door. "I don't believe it!" he cries... because it's not locked.
And he let out another deafening animal roar. And he EXPLODED.
They decide to go looking for the cafe where Britney and Molly Molloy disappeared. However, when they get there, the cafe's gone. Matt decides to use his magic plot card. When asked what he's going to do, he replies that he doesn't know, because he really shouldn't even be in charge to begin with. He uses the card on a wall, and it splits open, revealing the cafe. I hope you plan on paying for that wall, Matt. Within is a mirror, which Billy, Sheena, Boone, Sabrina and Abby jump into, escaping into Panic Park. However, before Matt and Julie go in so that I can get a break from them, the Monster Police show up. Drat. In an attempt to get away, everyone left jumps into the mirror at once and of course it fails. They leg it away from the Monster Police. "We just want to talk!" say the Monster Police, but Carly Beth inquires why they're carrying clubs. Maybe it's because they're always carrying clubs. They're police officers, you imbecile! They hop on some canoes, and start rowin away. however, the canoes are part of another Horrorland
They swim back to shore, since the bottoms dropped off of the canoes and they fell out. Suddenly, a boy and girl run over. Dammit, I forgot: there's 2 more characters:
- Lizzy "Veteran" Morris and her brother, Luke, also known as The Mad Pincher, from One Day at Horrorland.
Any Questions?
So, what exactly are Inspector Cranium's powers? I mean, we've seen him usong telekinesis, but he also implies he has powers over time. Couldn't Jillian just read his mind?
Also, what's up with Finney? Does he have powers? Did he just drink from the wrong Holy Grail, but then drank from the right one just in time?
Conclusion
While the basic idea of this story is certainly nothing new to Goosebumps, it this time creates a snese of ambiguity around the source of the powers, meaning that they're much more interesting and makes Jillian and Jackson's predicament a little more complex. This will continue into the next 2 books. The mental powers also mean that there's rarely a dull moment in the story, and Inspector Cranium is a pretty good villain. Overall, definitely worth your time.
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