The food isn't great. The counselors are a little strange. And the camp director, Uncle Al, seems sort of demented. Okay, so Billy can handle all that. But then his fellow campers start to disappear. What's going on? Why won't his parents answer his letters? What's lurking out there after dark? Camp Nightmoon is turning into Camp Nightmare. For real. And Billy might be next...
Plot
Billy Harlam (not Deep, unfortunately for me and my joke arsenal) is off to
People start singing an unrealistically long amount of time into a bus trip, when suddenly the bus stops and the driver turns round, and there's green slime on his face and stuff. Basically, he looks like the physical incarnation of the concept of summer camp. Suddenly, he takes off the mask, proclaiming that this joke fools 'em every year. Somehow. Does every camper in existence to go to this camp have the collective intelligence of Ajit Pai and a walnut. Maybe that's a bit too harsh on the campers. Anyway, the bus has stopped in the middle of the desert, so it's presumably a drop-off point. Mike starts bugging the driver, who ignores him. Good thing, too; Mike's dialogue in this scene is incredibly annoying. Dawn and Dori strike up a conversation with Billy. dawn reveals that her bird's name is Billy, and for some reason all the girls (all 4 of them) laugh. They reveal that they're all off to the girls' camp at Camp Redundantmoon. Billy goes to ask the bus driver about their current predicament, but he just drives off. Well, that was rude. The campers stand around for a few seconds, when suddenly, they hear animal cries coming towards them. They turn to see some weird animals, so, confusing them with the bullies from IT, they chuck rocks at them. However, since they are not the bullies from IT, the rocks do nothing. As the creatures are about to go in for the kill, there's a few gunshots, and the beasts run away. Boy, this is some very elaborate anti-gun control propaganda. And, no, it's never explained what those are. Suddenly, a man with a rifle appears, presumably having scared away the beasts. He proclaims him self to be Uncle Al, the "friendly" camp director. Yeah, holding a rifle is not the way I'd appear if I wanted to seem friendly.
A big green bus pulls up next to Uncle Al, and everyone gets on. After about 5 minutes of driving, the girls (all 4 of them) get dropped off. Billy ponders as to why the bus driver didn't just take them all the way. It was probably just so Uncle Al could do his dramatic entrance. A few minutes later, they get to the boy's camp, and of course Billy, Mike, Jay, and Colin are all assigned to the same cabin. For some reason, the cabins all have really boring names, like Bunk 4, or Chemistry Lessons. Their ginger councilor (who is of course not referred to as ginger), Larry, appears. As everyone goes to make their beds, Mike discovers snakes under his sheets.
As everyone heads back to their bunks, they hear screams coming from the Forbidden Bunk. Later that night, when the hear the screams once more, they assume it's just a prarie cat. Jay comes up with the absolutely foolproof plan of going to the forbidden cabin where screams can be heard at night. Billy and Mike, being rational for once, say that it's probably not a good idea. Colin, ignoring them, says that he's off to the Forbidden Bunk tomorrow night. "That's a bad idea," says Larry, who's been crouching outside the window. That's not creepy at all. Larry comes in, revealing the (alleged) reason for the denied access to the Forbidden Bunk is... Sabre (©Larry Lastnameunrevealed 1993). What is Sabre? It is Sabre. Who sews Sue's socks? Sabre sews Sue's socks.
The next morning, Larry, his bunkmates, and a couple of other campers go out onto the field to play scratchball. Mike tells Larry he needs to sit out, because of his hand. The lack of the nurse seems like a sensible decision now, right? So, Larry takes his place. Scratchball, for those who don't know what it is (like myself), sounds amazing. The "batter" throws the ball as hard and far as they can, and then runs round the bases while the fielders try to run them out, catch the ball, or tag the "batter." Why don't we play this in England? Colin is acting like an a-hole all the time throughout the game, so Larry does what's necessary and chucks the ball at him. Colin gets knocked out, and Larry tells the obvious lie that his hand slipped. If you played a drinking game where you take a shot every time Billy says that Larry was lying from the moment Colin gets hit to the end of the chapter, you'd probably end up in hospital. Or lack thereof if you are somehow reading this from Camp Nightmoon.
Later, Billy and Jay are writing their letters home to their parents. "Hello muddah, hello faddah, here I am at, camp Nightmoon..." Nah, that doesn't have the same ring to the original. Colin comes in, revealing that he's a bit dazed, but is going to be fine. Also, Mike's not come back. At dinner later, the rumour starts to spread about the incredibly traumatizing activity of camp singing. If I were to write an essay detailing both sides of whether or not it would be OK for aliens to destroy Earth and wipe out humanity, the entire paragraph detailing reasons for would be solely about camp songs, and it would be about 84 pages long. Jay and a guy called Roger start wrestling over a bloody breadstick. After this, the winner will probably go through to the next round, where they battle Larry for a single strawberry. Jay wins, and ends up spilling grape juice all over Billy's pants. And everyone laughs, because grape juice on someone's pants has some sort of comedic value.
Billy goes back to the cabin, only to find that his drawer's empty. Except it isn't - it's Mike's drawer that Billy opened by accident. Yep, Mike's gone, and it doesn't look like he's coming back. Billy, without changing his trousers, runs back to the dinner place and asks Larry about Mike. Larry of course denies knowing anything (about Mike, though I could see anyone getting confused by that). Later, back at the cabin, Jay tells Billy that he and Roger are off to the Forbidden Bunk. Yeah, go into the cabin of death™ at a camp where a camper's already vanished, and it's only day 3! That seems safe! Jay asks Colin if he's coming along, but is of course shot down, because Colin has some semblance of common sense.
So, off head Jay and Roger to the Forbidden Bunk (*thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening*) Everyone is camping, so Colin and Billy are having a tough time sleeping. They decide to sneak back to the bunk, and luckily don't get caught, because Larry is nowhere near them like a good councilor. They start to settle down, when they hear screaming. They hear Jay crying out for help, and somehow nobody comes to help them, whilst they're presumably being murdered. Wait, scratch that - Roger's dead. Yeah. Sabre got him, tore him to pieces, and gobbled him up like a tasty Celebrations twix. Yikes. Jay gets inside and, in a tense scene, everybody braces themselves for Sabre bursting in. Luckily, nothing eventually comes in. The next morning, they find Larry, and start bombarding him with questions which he of course acts like he doesn't know the answer to. When they tell him about Roger, he says he'll speak to Uncle Al about it. Come to think of it, has Uncle Al really done anything up to this point? Later, Larry gets back to them, saying that there's no Roger at the camp. And nobody noticed this guy hanging around? And the Forbidden Bunk and Sabre are never mentioned again. That was a necessary scene (well, in the grand scheme of things, it was, but not at the moment).
At the lake later, someone grabs Billy from behind and pulls him into the bushes. Well, am I surprised by this point? It turns out the person who grabbed him was Dawn, who'd already sneaked over to the boys camp with Dori. Well, in fairness, I didn't hear Uncle Al say anything about sneaking over to the boys camp. When your rules have this many loopholes in them, it might be time to consider updating them. They reveal that, at their camp, 3 girls are missing, and (big shock) nobody cares other than the campers. They reveal that they've got to come up with an escape plan, and that they've not received any letters from their parents. Billy realises that he's not heard from his parents either, and decides that he'll talk to them on visiting day. That seems very similar to getting visitors at prison. It's helpful to know how similar Summer Camp and jail are. Billy sneaks back and decides to try to call his parents on the phones that they have at camp. Billy, clearly new to this whole "protagonist" jig, thinks that his parents will believe the non-existent camper getting devoured. Unfortunately, the phones are all plastic. Well what's the point of having them, then? Uncle Al finally provides something other than exposition in chapter 15 of this 22 chapter book. He says that someone must've put it up there as a joke (obvious lie) and that calls home are forbidden. He tells Billy to write to his parents if he's homesick, and then reveals that Billy's going on a canoe trip, much to the latter's surprise. Eh, at school you barely get any early notifications on what you're doing, so why would summer camp be any different?
Later, Jay, Colin, and Billy are hanging out in their cabin. "Dear mum and Dad, HELP!"writes Billy. I wish I was joking, that's his exact wording. The 3 of them decide to ask their parents on visiting day to take them home, and Billy proceeds to write a page-and-a-half long letter to his parents detailing every single thing that's happened. ("Here, Mum, Billy says that one of the campers was torn to pieces and devoured!" "Oh, I'm sure the counselors know what they're doing!") At lunch, Larry reveals that Billy's representing bunk 4 in some sort of tennis tournament. Billy reveals that he sucks at tennis, but has to do it anyway. Oh, cheer up - with luck you'll get pitted against someone who sucks. After he gets thoroughly trounced, Billy heads to the lodge to mail his daily letter, only to come across the mailbag. (*Audience gasps*) The mailbag seems to be full - and then Billy notices some letters that look all too familiar; they're his letters. The letters weren't being sent out. Then what's the point of making them write them every day? Just do it every week or something!
At dinner, Billy realises that Jay and Colin haven't come back from the hike they went on which I'd neglected to mention, because I'm lazy. (*Laugh track*) Maybe they went on a DofE expedition by mistake. Larry then tells Billy that he'll need to partake in one of the most difficult and terrifying activity of all: getting up early! (*thunder and lightning*)(*screams*)(*dramatic music*) Billy goes back to Bunk 4, only to find 2 new guys there-Chris and Tommy. Billy tells them that he's going to leave on visiting day, but Tommy says it's been cancelled. Why? Nobody knew Billy's plan except Colin, Jay, Dawn and Dori!
The next morning, Larry and Billy go canoeing with Chris and Tommy. Eventually, after Billy details the river for 2 pages (reader beware, you're in for a scare), they come to the rapids. Suddenly, Larry plunges into the water. Didn't we already do this sort of thing last time? Without thinking, Billy dives in after Larry, who (unlike last week) is actually in danger. The fact that I had to point that out shows how many fake-outs there are in these books. Billy pulls Larry out of the water, but who's going to save them from the rapids. "Look! Up in the sky!" "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" "It's an egg-salad sandwich!" "It's convenient driftwood!" Billy, carrying Larry, makes it back to shore. They're safe. (Really?) After about 3 hours of walking back to camp, they bump into Uncle Al. They tell him what happened, and he gets mad that he lost a canoe, since Colin and Tommy drifted off down the river while Billy went to save Billy. We should rename this place "Camp Don'tSueUsPlease."
The next morning, Larry wakes Billy up early again (have they no mercy?) and says that Uncle Al's called a special hike. Everything has a quiet atmosphere, with a sense of dread hanging over everyone in the camp. It's pretty good. They start hiking, and walk for ages. Billy decides to run away, but suddenly, Uncle Al stops. And he's holding a rifle. Good lord - Uncle Al's a republican! I should've guessed. He tells everyone to line up and get a rifle. Giving minors guns? Yeah, he's definitely a republican. He informs them that 2 girls (Dawn and Dori) have run away from the girls camp, so they need to catch them. By shooting them. I take it back, let's rename this place "Camp PlaseDon'tArrestUs." Billy, having guts and a moral compass, says "Look, I'm not doing this." "Right then, Billy, put own the rifle, I'm gonna break the law some more," replies Uncle Al. Billy proceeds to point the gun at Uncle Al and pull the trigger. Since this is a family blog, I'm not going to say how this could've gone, but I will say that "Pumped Up Kicks" would be playing in the background. But, it turns out the whole thing was just a test, and Billy's passed. I don't think that's an excuse for giving 12 year olds rifles.
All the disappeared campers emerge from the bushes, including Dawn and Dori. Mike shows up, though I'm pretty sure his hand's still swollen, since he, y'know, got bitten by a snake. And after the campers have all appeared, Billy's parents show up. They reveal that "Camp Illegalmoon" is actually a government testing facility, and everyone there was an actor. Billy's parents reveal that they're taking him on his next expedition, since he reacted the way he should've done. Blah blah blah, explanation, and the first instance of what would become everyone's least favourite twist. You see, Billy' parents are taking him to another planet on their expedition. Do scientists normally go on interplanetary expeditions unless they are Reed Richards? What dangerous, unpredictable planet are they taking Billy to? Earth. Goddammit. Also, I'm pretty evil death camp of doom doesn't prepare you for a bunch of ravenous Year 7s on chip day.
Any Questions?
So, if they're all aliens on a distant planet, how come they have Earth animals, like prairie cats? And how come they have Earth food, like pizza? And why is everything so similar to Earth culture and humanity? Did humanity just move offworld centuries ago, take a bunch of Earth animals like Noah's Ark, start over, and forget Earth even existed while another dominant species developed there? Actually, I like that explanation, let's go with that.
Conclusion
Welcome to Camp Nightmare is pretty good. It's very different to most standard books, since it doesn't follow the 2 traditional stories of kid fights evil and kid undergoes transformation that Goosebumps is full of. It's also not really supernatural, and the atmosphere around the camp is great; it just keeps building and building to the point where Billy rebels against Uncle Al. The twist is a bit of a cop-out, but the whole "it was a test part" makes the book a lot better, since it manages to explain away a lot of the illogical parts. However, another problem that the book has is Sabre. Or, rather, the lack of Sabre. He seemed like such an interestingly ambiguous monster, and that could've worked to the book's advantage by making him the main focus, but not telling us much about him, and leaving it all down to the readers imagination. Overall, though, a really good book; definitely one of the best camp stories that this franchise has produced (though that's not saying much compared to the others).
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