Sherpia's a cold, cold place. It's a tiny village on the edge of the arctic circle. Where it snows. A lot. (Can we perhaps use some longer sentences?) Jaclyn has no idea why her aunt decided they should move there.
But it's not just the snow that freezes the blood in Sherpia. There's the hideous howling noises at night. The scar-faced snowmen in front of every house. (Why would an entire town make snow sculptures of Pacino?) And something on top of the mountain. Something that seems very interested in Jaclyn...(oo-er)
Plot
This story opens with a poem.
Well, at least I can say it's better than Carol Anne-Duffy's ever done. Our protagonist, Jaclyn (no, that's not a typo), is thinking about the poem, though she doesn't seem to know why. Page 1, and already they don't care. She and her Aunt are making the logical move from Chicago to Sherpia, a town in the Arctic Circle. Jaclyn can't argue against it, since she's 12 and therefore can barely have a say in what she's having for tea, let alone whether or not she's moving. That and her Aunt is her only living relative, since her mum's dead and her dad disappeared when Jaclyn was 4. When arriving at the village, Jaclyn notices scary looking snhowmen in front of every house. I'm going to ignore the description and say that they all look like Mike Myers as the Cat in the Hat.
- "When the snows blow wild and the day grows old.
- Beware, the snowman, my child.
- Beware, the snowman.
- He brings the cold."
Jaclyn and her Aunt Greta, set up shop in their new house, which has a flat roof, despite the fact that houses in the Arctic Circle usually have sloped rooves in order to let the snow slide off. Jaclyn goes up to her new bedroom, which is in the attic. Great. When the house caves in from the poorly-designed roof and all the snow covering it, she'll the first one to die. But at least she's got a nice window she can look out of, which she proceeds to do. She starts wondering what her friends are doing. She reckons they're probably at a Bulls game, whatever that is.
Jaclyn decides to go for a walk, getting jumpscared by a boy, Eli. His sister, Rolonda, scolds him, and introduces the 2 of them. They start to natter, and Jaclyn tells them that she's off up the mountain I'd neglected to mention until now. They say she shouldn't but don't really explain why. "Well, OK," says Jaclyn. "I won't go up the mountain then." She then sets off and starts going up the mountain. Wow, looks like her trousers just spontaneously combusted. (*starts taking scientific notes*)
After walking up the mountain for a while, she comes across a cabin. She does the Goosebumps-ical thing to do and breaks in. Suddenly, she gets attacked by a wolf. I guess wolves are rather defensiv of their property. That or this one thought she was a door-to-door salesman, or a person delivering Tory propaganda. The wolf's owner comes, calls it off, and then makes the incredibly valid accusation that she broke into his house. Jaclyn runs away, the man calling for her to "Beware the snowman!" Why would you ask someone to beware a beloved Christmas classic? If she meets the snowman, she'll never return, allegedly. Can you give us a bit more explanation, mate? Jaclyn continues up the mountain, the despite the fact that everyone's she's met in this town has told her not not to go up the mountain. In retaliation, the man sics the wolf on her.
Jaclyn heads back to the village, and runs to her house. Later, Rolonda asks Jaclyn why she ran past her house without saying hello. Jaclyn details her experience with the old man who lived in the cabin, and Rolonda tells her that his name is Conrad. Do any of these characters have normal names? What's wrong with, say, Frank? Rolonda tells Jaclyn that it's possible that Conrad works for the Snowman. Why would anyone work for a snowman? Does this one have good pension plans and flexible working hours? When Jaclyn asks Rolonda to elaborate, she refuses to do it right then, presumably because otherwise the book wouldn' be long enough. They arrange to meet up at the church the next day so that Rolonda can explain without frightening Eli. Why the church, of all places? Why can't Rolonda just come over to Jaclyn's?
Jaclyn goes back home, and asks Aunt Greta if she knows anything about The Snowman. Aunt Greta acts nervous, but says no. Come on, you must know something. Here, I'll give you one: it's based on a book by Ray Bradbury.
That night, Jaclyn is having trouble sleeping, so she does what everyone does when they have trouble sleeping: go for a walk in a snowy town in the arctic circle in the middle of the night. She freezes to death in the cold, the end. OK, not really. She spots one of the creepy snowmen nodding it's head, until it slowly falls off. It was just the wind. Reader beware, you're in for a scare. She gets a bit scared by a wolf howl, so she decides to go back out. Unfortunately, she's locked herself out.
The next day, Jaclyn mistakes one of the snowmen for a horrible monster for, like, the 936th time in this story. She goes to the church to see Rolonda, who explains the alleged origins of the snowman: long ago, there were 2 sorcerers. Really? Sorcerers? You do want Jaclyn to take you seriously, right Rolonda? The sorcerers were playing in the snow, as sorcerers do, and they decided to bring a snowman to life. As you do when you're bored. However, this snowman was not a jolly happy soul; in fact, he was pure evil. And the sorcerers couldn't control him either. Instead of, say reversing the spell or killing the snowman (seriously, that could be accomplished with a battery-powered hairdryer), Conrad, who was one of the sorcerers, stayed in Sherpia. Whether he stays to protect everyone or to work for the snowman is unknown. What about the scary snowmen? Well, they're there to stop the snowman from attacking everyone should he come to the town from his abode, the ice cave, since he'd be honoured by them. I don't think evil snowmen's brains work like that. Jaclyn starts laughing at the story, which I believe is totally justified.
As she leaves the church, Jaclyn bumps into Eli. Eli tells her a story all about how the snowman saw him. He and his friends (who are all unnamed) once snuck up to the ice cave. Why? They wanted to see the Ice Cave. Why? I have no idea. Why would anyone want to see such an uncreatively named place? So, anyway, they saw the snowman, who chased them. How could a snowman chase anyone? They don't have legs!
That night, Jaclyn dreams about a bunch of fluffy white kittens with blue eyes and red scarves. That's not a dream, it's a hallucination. Suddenly, the kittens turn evil and startclawing at each other. OK, now it's a hallucination in an animated Tim Burton movie. Jaclyn wakes up and decides to climbthe mountain, despite the fact that almost every single character (all 6 of them) have told her very clearly not to go up the mountain. However, for most of the next day, Aunt Greta keeps Jaclyn inside. When she finally gets out, she runs into Rolonda and Eli. Does anyone else live in Sherpia? They say it's time for Jaclyn to build her snowman. Jaclyn agrees, but only if they'll come up the mountain with her and distract Conrad. "Hey, can you get those biscuits off the top shelf?" "Yeah, sure, as long as you enter the Hunger Games in my place." However, despite the stupidity of this deal, Rolonda and Eli agree.
The plan works, and while Rolonda and Eli distract Conrad by yelling "Hello!" to him, Jaclyn goes up the mountain. She sees the snowman and starts falling over an icy ledge. And it really is the snowman this time. He's gigantic. As Jaclyn puts it-
Its round, black eyes were the size of doorknobs.I'm not sure that people usually compare things to doorknobs, whether talknig about size or otherwise. Jaclyn saves herself by grabbing onto the ledge, and the snowman starts yelling at her to identify herself. When he eventually shuts up for a minute, the snowman reveals that he's Jaclyn's father. So, the snowman looks like Darth Vader then? The snowman takes Jaclyn inside the ice cave and reveals his backstory. Jaclyn's mother and Aunt Greta were sorcerers. Again with the sorcerers? Mum turned Dad into a snowman long ago, but then she screwed up and couldn't turn him back.
Jaclyn runs to go find the poetry book, but runs into Aunt Greta. Aunt Greta is naturally mad at Jaclyn for coming up to the ice cave against her wishes. However, Jaclyn points out that Aunt Greta's the one who froze her dad inside a snowman, so she's really not in a position to tell Jaclyn off for doing wrong here. Aunt Greta, it turns out, has taken the poetry book. Jaclyn asks her for it, but Aunt Greta (unbelievably) the logical thing, and rips out the page with the poem on it. She chucks it off of the side of the mountain, but the winds of plot convenience just blow it back upwards again. Thrilling. Jaclyn grabs the poem and is about to read it aloud when Aunt Greta grabs it and tears it apart. I've got to say, or our alleged villain, Aunt Greta is at least making smarter choices than all the other characters (all 5 of them; 6, if you count Conrad's wolf). However, Jaclyn already memorised the poem, and says it aloud.
When the snows meltStill better than anything Carol Anne-Duffy's ever done. The snow melts off of the snowman, revealing not her father, but a hideous, red monster that really belongs in a much better story. It prepares to chuck Jaclyn off of the cliff. "Is this my reward for freeing you?" pleads Jaclyn. "Well, actually, yeah, it is," replies the monster. I hope this guy never tries to host a game show any time soon. Suddenly, however, all the snowmen from the village start charging up the mountain towards the monster. What. They all surround the monster, who can't fight off a bunch of regular snowmen, and push it into the ice cave. There, it (somehow) becomes trapped in the walls. And when the red scaly monster comes out of the walls, it's all over! Also, Aunt Greta is not a sorcerer. So who brought the snowmen to life? It's Darth Conrad, who, if you couldn't tell by what I just called him, is Jaclyn's real father. They're genuinely touching reunion, however, is interrupted by one of the snowmen asking if they can back down the mountain, since it's too cold up there. *sigh* This is what you had to read about for Christmas. Anyone who I have to buy a gift for from now on is probably going to be quivering in their Christmas jumpers.
And the warm sun is with thee,
Beware, the snowman--
For the snowman shall go free!
Ridiculous Name of the Week
Conrad's wolf has the incredibly creative name of Wolfbane. I'm sure if he had a cat, it'd be called Cat-of-Conrad or something.
Any Questions?
Why did Conrad wait 10 years to cast the spell to entrap the monster in the ice wall? In fact, why didn't he just try and blow it up so that he could go live with Jaclyn?
Conclusion
Beware, the Snowman is bad, but not that bad. It's not as bad as, say, Monster Blood for Breakfast (I'd link it, but you've probably read it already), but it does have a lot of flaws. There are so many illogicla decisions and stupid explanations for things, and quite a bit of the dialogue is just stupid. I have to give some credit to the Snowman/Monster, since it was a pretty good villain with a creative design. It totally deserved to be in a much better book. However, the other 6 characters are just utterly bland, and the final resolution is just dumb. Don't read it. Or do. I'm a blogger, not the Prime Minister.
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