Goosebumps Horrorland #7: My Friends Call Me Monster

Blurb
Michael Munroe is learning a few new lessons in school this week: never trust a teacher who believes in monsters. Don't even think about entering her house. And stay away from the giant egg in her attic - especially if it's about to hatch. (those are good lessons, why aren't they part of the curriculum?)
What could be worse than a monster egg? An entire theme park filled with monsters! But that's not the only surprise. Soon, Michael and his friends will discover shocking new secrets about Horrorland theme park.

Plot
We open with our hero, Michael "Monster" Munroe, and his friends, Daisy Edwards and DeWayne (no, that's not a typo, that's his real name) Walker, breaking into their teacher's house. One of these days, I'm going to become numb to all this breaking and entering and start doing it myself. It seems that they're there to hide a black cat in the attic in order to frighten the incredibly superstitious teacher, Mrs Hardesty, as an act of revenge. Wow, breaking into a teacher's house to exact an incredibly lame revenge... did I pick up Headless Halloween by mistake?  However, before this terrible revenge can be exacted, they hear a bump and Michael drops something. Given that this is Goosebumps, I'm going to assume that it's just the pipes or something.

The story suddenly cuts back to 2 weeks earlier to explain why this is happen. Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne are in class, and Mrs Hardesty is teaching them about the Loch Ness Monster, for some reason. I don't go to an American Middle School, but I'm pretty sure that the Loch Ness Monster is part of the incredibly flawed American curriculum. Apparently, Mrs H likes to keep it dark in her classroom, because that's safe. Everyone keeps tripping over their bags, and someone probably should've complained about it by now. (Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") Suddenly, the window blind snaps up, and I guess this lesson must be the most boring thing on the planet, since that gets everyone's attention. Mrs Hardesty squeezes the lucky rabbit's foot, which she does whenever she's scared, and pulls the blinds back up. They immediately snap back up, and Mrs H fixes it and goes back. They snap back again, but before the cycle can once again restart, Michael reveals why this is happening. Michael put an audio sensor on the blind, and blows a dog whistle, in order to make a noise that people won't here, thus making the blinds snap up. DeWayne jokes about how it must be an evil spirit, and Mrs Hardesty, even more terrified, chucks some kind of black powder over her shoulder. That's no way to treat your grandfather's ashes! Unfortunately, Michael drops the dog whistle, and Mrs Hardesty notices, and that somehow gives her the idea that Michael's behind all this.

Despite the fact that there's no evidence that Michael did anything, Mrs Hardesty calls him back after school. I'm not surprised. I mean, I'd say that the lack of evidence connecting this to Michael violates article 11 of the charter of human rights, but teachers violate article 11 all the time. After Mrs H tosses some more of her grandfather's ashes over her shoulder, Michael gives a pretty good roast, causing Daisy and DeWayne, who are outside, to laugh. Mrs Hardesty calls them in as well, despite the fact that they haven't done anything wrong. (Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") Mrs Hardesty gives the 3 of them a choice: they can either do double detention every day for a week, or community service on a Saturday. I'm pretty sure that community service is not a valid punishment in school, American or otherwise. Someone comes to help my point, in the shape of Michael's cool headmaster, Mr Wong. He's always in the corridor, slapping high fives and greeting everyone and stuff. Mr Wong pulls Mrs Hardesty aside and tells her that she's being a bit too harsh. Wow, a headmaster being reasonable? Next thing, Michael will tell us that he handles the budget responsibly and comes up with practical solutions! Unfortunately, the Wongster (as Michael puts it), and they are sentenced to community service. Oh well, how illegal can Mrs Hardesty's actions - I probably shouldn't finish that sentence.

So, on Saturday, Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne head over to Chez Notamonster, where Mrs Hardesty directs them to a skip that smells worse than Matt Daniels' personality. Their job? Go through the rubbish looking for recyclables (Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!"). Mrs H departs (I mean, I don't blame her. I'd want to get away from the smell too), and the 3 friends get into the skip (out of context alert). Michael takes 2 steps before treading on a dead racoon. I'm pretty sure that this is illegal, in some form. I'll figure out how. Michael immediately freaks out and starts throwing trash everywhere, but Daisy and DeWayne calm him down... right before he falls over into the trash. They continue with the job, and, of course, there's barely any recyclables in the dumpster. At some point, Daisy notices that there's something alive in the skip, so they all get out. I'm pretty sure now would be a great time to call the cops on Mrs Hardesty for... child cruelty or something. Though, in fairness, Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne probably don't have their phones. Mr Wong comes over the road, still wearing a suit, despite the fact it's Saturday and he's not really doing or going to anything that would require wearing a suit. Even the book calls him out on it. You know you're acting strangely when a Goosebumps book is saying, "that's weird." No offence, Wongster. Mr Wong hands them some chocolate bars and wipes. Can I trade headmasters with you, Michael?  Michael swears revenge on Mrs Hardesty. Daisy and DeWayne also decide to tag along, since DeWayne had to throw out the clothes he was wearing, and Daisy couldn't get the bugs out of her hair. Since Daisy's ginger, this whole thing has now become personal. Where do I sign up, Michael?

And thus, we get back to Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne in the present, about to hide a black cat in Mrs Hardesty's attic, when they hear what seems to be someone coming back in. (OK, it's not someone coming back in, but it's not the pipes either, so that's a start, I guess.) They dump the cat in the attic and are just about to leave when they spy Mrs Hardesty coming back. I'm so glad that they planned for this happening! They all quickly realise what will happen if they get caught, and hide behinda convenient sofa. Who keeps a sofa in their attic? In fact, how would a sofa get into an attic in the first place? Anyway, the cat starts meowing, attracting Mrs H. For a bit, I wondered, "how the hell would Mrs Hardesty finding the cat lead to her finding Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne?" But, then I remembered that Mrs Hardesty is Sherlock Holmes or something. She's (presumably) a monster, and this is still a more accurate representation of the character than in Sherlock. Mrs H enters the attic, and, ignoring the cat and intruders, pulls a sheet off of an egg the size of a wardrobe and sits on it.
(Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne, noticing that Mrs Hardesty is asleep, take this opportunity to sneak out. They escape, trespassing through several people's back garden's in the process, but get extremely far away. They toss the situation around between each other. DeWayne has a solution (please note that this is the 2nd time that I've referred to him individually and we're up to chapter 8 of the 21 chapter story): Mrs Hardesty knew that they were there, and sat on the egg to freak them out. Michael and Daisy (quite rightly) shoot this down, pointing out all sorts of flaws in it, like "why the hell would our teacher have a gigantic egg in her attic?" Daisy suggests talking to Mr Wong, but that idea is shot down as well when Michael points out that he wouldn't believe them. The fact that Daisy didn't consider that makes me question the intelligence of our protagonists.

At school the next day, Michael bumps into the Wongster (*cheers*), and considers telling him about what they saw. Then he realises the whole thing sounds ridiculous and decides against it. Mrs Hardesty corners Michael before class, and, after having what is essentially a staring contest (which Michael wins, might I add), she asks him about the cat. He denies it, and, despite the fact that Mrs H is Sherlock Holmes or at least Ace Ventura, she accepts it. Then, a bit scared and probably needing a change of pants, Michael decides to go back to Casa de Villain to investigate the whole egg business. He asks Daisy and DeWayne to assist him in his crusade, but they say that they don't want to come, since they are rational human beings. That, and DeWayne's stellar point of:
"If Mrs H wants to hatch giant chickens in her attic, that's her problem."
Michael calls Daisy and DeWayne the giant chickens, and goes back to Mrs Hardesty's place that afternoon to see what the whole business is about. Michael hides in Mrs H's attic once more, where she goes and sits on the egg. Then the egg hatches, and within is not a giant chicken (though I would like to read about that), but rather some kind of hideous monster. After talking to the monster like it's her baby or something, she goes and dumps it into the basement with a bunch of other monsters. As caring parents do. Mrs Hardesty reveals that soon, there will be more of them than the humans - or her name isn't Hyborg-Xrxuz! (that how she puts it) Yep, Mrs Hardesty is actually an alien bent on conquering earth, under orders from her boss, Commander Xannx. (Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") She orders the monsters in the basement to lay more eggs so that they can take over the world.
Michael sneaks out and races home. He tells his parents, who, shock of all shocks, don't believe him. In fairness, though, if they did, I'd be very concerned. Michael asks Daisy and DeWayne to help him, but they both turn him down, like sensible people. Michael eventually decides to do it himself; after all, they don't call him Monster for nothing. I'm sorry if I should've brought that up earlier.

So, off Michael goes to Hyborg-Xrxuz's house. I'm going to keep calling her that; it sounds funnier. However, when he gets there, there's no sign of her, but there is a monster in the kitchen, as well as some eggs cooking. This is odd because monsters can't cook. New idea: Gordon Ramsay vs Hyborg-Xrxuz. Suddenly, the monster eats some eggs and turns into Hyborg-Xrxuz. For some reason, this is surprising to Michael, despite the fact that he knows that she's an alien. She eats more eggs, and turns back into a monster. Why on Earth is she doing this? Also, doesn't this count as cannibalism? She eats more eggs and turns back to human form once more. Are you done? Actually, yes she is, as she steps out of the back door and catches Michael. Instead of turning him over to the police or something, Hyborg-Xrxuz brings Michael inside. Within, she literally force feeds him a bunch of the eggs.
(Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") Michael turns into a monster, unable to speak, and Hyborg-Xrxuz dumps him in the basement with the other monsters. Is her end goal to get sent to the electric chair? As Hyborg-Xrxuz leaves, she reveals that she intends to feed everyone in the school the eggs. Well, in fairness, if they're all monsters, they won't have to do any exams.

For some reason, the monsters surround Michael in a threatening manner. Luckily, as he's about to fall victim to technical cannibalism, Daisy and DeWayne show up, looking for Michael. Unfortunately, they see the monsters, and freak out, like normal people. Michael tries to communicate with them, but to no avail. Suddenly, Michael notices his dog whistle, which he must have dropped. How did it get in the basement, then? He picks it up and waves it around to prove that he's Michael. Daisy and DeWayne quickly figure out what's going on, and Michael heads to the kitchen to get some eggs. He spies his clothes on the floor, but that's not important this sentence. Michael eats the eggs, and turns back into a naked human. But not quite, as his arms and chest are still those of a monster. Michael reveals Hyborg-Xrxuz's evil plan to turn everyone in town into monsters. Here's a thought: what are they going to do after that? There's just 2 fully grown monsters (Hyborg-Xrxuz and her boss, Commander Xannx), and about 12 baby monsters; that's hardly a gigantic army with which to conquer the world. I mean, even when they turn everyone into monsters, it's not like they're going to co-operate, since it's been proven that they still retain their minds when they've been turned into monsters.

Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne decide to go talk to Mr Wong -
- since he lives down the street, and he said that they could come to him if they ever needed help. Unfortunately, DeWayne forgets to shut the basement door, and the monsters chase after them, despite the fact that they've got no reason to. They run to Mr Wong's house, the monsters in pursuit. (Please note that this scene is actually pretty tense) Michael rings the doorbell, but there's no answer. So, with the monsters gaining, Michael uses his monster strength to smash down the door. Well, that's rude. They look for Mr Wong, only to find him sat on top of an enormous egg. (Out of context alert) Yep, Mr Wong's the leader of the aliens. Thinking about it, if the aliens do succeed, then at least the Wongster will be ruing the world, and that sounds pretty cool. Just then, Hyborg-Xrxuz comes in, carrying a platter of eggs, for some reason. She orders the monsters to attack and kill Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne (Parents: "Oh, she knows what she's doing!") However, Michael cracks the egg which Mr Wong is sitting on, and the Wongster plunges in. He can't swim, so he calls Hyborg-Xrxuz for help. However, Michael picks her up and  chucks her into the egg. The 2 drown, meaning that Michael technically murdered them. Truly this is a victory for good. The monsters encircle the heroes, but they instead charge at the egg and start eating it. Why is this unnamed alien race full of cannibals? The monsters proceed to turn back into egg yolk... because that's how that works.

Michael, Daisy, and DeWayne decide to leave. DeWayne reveals that he's taken pictures of the event as roof, but he somehow messed up something as simple as taking a bloody picture with his phone. Julie Martin's gonna murder DeWayne if she ever finds out. Back home, Michael eats dinner really quickly, yadder yadder yadder, dessert gets brought out, blah blah blah, I should stop doing that. The cake Michael is having for dessert was apparently made by Mrs Hardesty, using some special eggs. When that's the 3rd best twist ending in your series so far, then you know the rest must be awful.

Enter Horrorland
We open where we left off at the end Who's Your Mummy: the Very Special Guests in the Bat Barn, being attacked by the bats inside. Roll call time:
So, Michael uses his dog whistle to scare the bats away. He's apparently got it, since it's a good luck charm now. Why? You only used it to prove your identity to Daisy and DeWayne. Most of you are probably wondering why Michael isn't a monster, despite the fact that he ate the cake made with the monster eggs. Luckily, Michael had led him and his parents to Mr Wong's house, where there was still some eggs left, allowing them to turn back to normal. Well, at least we're getting closure on that twist ending (*glares at Say Cheese and Die Screaming*). As they leave, Matt and Michael get into an argument. Michael points out how Byron might be a bad guy, but since Matt's as blindly loving of Byron as parents are of headmasters, he defends him. Michael also points how he actually gets stuff done, and not just stand around waiting for help, like Matt always did. Preach it, Michael! Matt gets mad, and charges at Michael, but Michael counters him perfectly, causing him to fall into some mud. Michael starts beating up Matt, getting the upper hand all the way through.
However, all good things must come to an end, as the Monster Police show up, causing everyone to run away. Michael escapes and goes back to the hotel. I think that Michael won the fight, technically meaning that he should be the new leader. But, of course, Matt's still in charge, because a status quo change other than new members can't be a thing until book 11, when someone will finally dethrone Matt. I look forward to that day, and I invite you all to guess who it will be. Mattand the others instantly recap the last 6 books. I can't be bothered to do that, go do it yourselves. I've already put the links in the roll call. When Abby brings up the lack of mirrors in her bedroom, they all decide to go look for some. Michael's first stop is the hotel lobby, where he gets about as straight an answer as a cynic making a perfectly valid point to an adult. Matt goes from shop to shop, looking for a mirror. Obviously, he doesn't, because in the following book, the Very Special Guests haven't fallen into a very obvious trap escaped Horrorland (well, succesfully).Michael comes across a Do Not Enter sign, and heads through the door, coming across a series of tunnels under Horrorland. Suddenly, someone finds him, but he just says that he was looking for the Doom Slide (a non-lawsuit that we'll get to when we cover One Day at Horrorland), and gets away with his trespassing. Stop acting like trespassing is perfectly fine and ok! It's not!

Later, the gang meet up in Matt's room. They discuss the findings, and Abby comes up with the idea that a clean enough token would act as a mirror, like the one Robby showed her in the Vampire Cafe. Thrilling. They check their tokens, but they're all scuffed and dull, like the plot of Monster Blood for Breakfast. Michael comes up with the idea of going back to the tunnels to google Horrorland to get more info. I'm certain that nothing will go wrong! So, they go down to the tunnels, where there's wi-fi, and start to look up Horrorland. We get a new updated Horrorland backstory than the one presented in Escape from Horrorland. Instead of the founder being a madman who created the park based on his traumatic childhood, it was built by some randy who somehow didn't realise the employees were monsters. A much needed update, as you can see. Why does this series have to mess up the canon of every goosebumps franchise, aside from Living Dummy? (Actually, it's been changed so that now Mr Wood from the first book died centuries before the events of the first book, where he was the antagonist, and wasn't even alive. Also, Slappy now has this secret twin. It's stupid.) Matt sggests looking up Panic Park. Michael comes across some links which don't work, which explains why they came up when he googled Panic Park, and it reveals that it disappeared around the same time that Horrorland was founded. They also come across a blog written by a brother and sister who had apparently once escaped Horrorland, when suddenly, they're interrupted by some guards and leg it. They run away, coming across some cages containing some weird gorilla creatures, who were presumably created to cash in on the Harambe meme. I know it died ages ago, but most big companies use dead memes all the time anyway. Michael decides to let some of the creatures loose to cause a distraction, and asks Matt for his magic card. However, Matt drops it, since Matt isn't really that adept at anything; his scary experience was just growing for a bit and then going back to normal. The card slides under one of the cages with the gorilla in, so Matt reaches in to grab, before inevitably getting grabbed by the creature within. You had one job, Matt. Michael grabs the card, and saves the day by opening the cage door, releasing the monster and causing it to drop Matt. Again, why isn't he in charge?

The gang run away from the Horrors and the monsters, and get outside. They decide to start making their way to Goodbye Land, despite the fact that they should really be looking for Britney and Molly Molloy. Also, where are their parents? Michael is accosted by 2 horrors, Benson and Clem, who try telling Michael that everything's fine. Michael of course starts arguing with the. Yeesh, the parents won't believe it when everything's weird, and the kids won't believe it when everything's normal. Well, at least I can say that no-one's gullible in this universe. A 3rd horror shows up to take it from here. He pulls out a mirror, and Michael is sucked into it. Why am I getting the weirdest sense of deja vu right now? Michael ends up in Panic Park, and celebrates, but quickly realises he has no idea where exactly he is or how to get back to the others. Well, I'm pretty sure the others would've just started celebrating and completely forgotten about everyone else, so props to you, Michael.

Extra toppings
So, how did anyone explain the disappearance of Mrs Hardesty and Mr Wong? "Sorry, kids, but one of the teachers and the headmaster have left because one of the students, who was part monster, brutally murdered them, since they were aliens trying to conquer Earth." "Oh no, not again!"

Conclusion
My Friens Call Me Monster is a pretty solidentry in the series. Sure, there are some things that make no sense, and of course Matt's as annoying as ever, but it's got some good ideas, good execution, and Matt Daniels getting beaten up. That last point should've earned this book every award possible. Definitely give it a read.
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