Blurb
Greg and his friends think it's pretty cool when they find an old camera in a derelict house, and it works. But the camera takes weird photos - like the one of Greg's dad's new car - totally wrecked? Then his dad is in a bad car accident - what's going on?
And, when Greg takes a picture of his friend Shari, she's not in the photo when it develops - then Shari disappears altogether. Now Greg knows for sure that the camera is creepy - more than that, it's evil.
Plot
We open with our protagonist, Greg Banks, hanging out with his 3 friends Doug, Michael, and Shari on a boring autumn afternoon (as opposed to the really exciting kind). Doug is always called "Bird," because he has a really long nose and long, skinny legs. However, that's stupid, so I'll stick with Doug (even if the book doesn't). They're all discussing what to do, and it gets pretty uninteresting, but maybe that's how we're supposed to feel, and connect with the characters. It's good, I like this story. Or maybe I'm just eager to read something better than Say Cheese and Die Screaming. Could be either.
Anyway, Shari suggests that they go for a walk, and, since no-one has any better ideas, that's what they do for a bit, until they get to an old abandoned house called the Coffman House, due to the name on the letterbox. Michael comes up with the idea to go in, since it'd be exciting. That's called trespassing, Michael, and it's illegal. Regardless, since that sort of thing in Goosebumps is about as frowned on as an all-pasta diet on Tumblr, they all go in and look round. Greg, being the sensible one, inquires about a man named Spidey, who apparently lives (or at least frequently hangs out) in the Coffman house. Yeesh, I didn't think Peter Parker's salary was so bad that he had to live in an abandoned house! Actually, he's called Spidey because his long, skinny limbs make him look like a big spider, but who really cares. Greg points out how boring it is in the house, but Shari says, "But we're not supposed to be here, so it's actually awesome." Yeah, if I went into a staff-room at my school, it'd still be boring, regardless of whether or not I was supposed to be there.
Suddenly, Greg, Michael and Shari hear Doug crying out in pain from the basement and rush to help him. Except it was just a terrible, lame, awful, stupid, unfunny, I-can't-think-of-any-more-adjectives-y prank. Greg once more insists that they should get out of the place, which I agree with, since it's really not giving me much to work with in the comedy department. Shari finds a wardrobe and starts goofing around with some of the clothing inside, like a boa and fur coat. Funny, I don't think a 50 year old homeless man would spend that much money on those sorts of expensive clothes. Maybe he did, and that's why he's homeless. As Michael and Doug join in with goofing around with the clothes in the wardrobe (as you do), Greg comes across a workbench and starts messing around with a vice. In fairness, everyone messes around with the vice, so I can at least say that it's realistic. Suddenly, a secret compartment opens. Wow, Spidey must be quite the inventor to set that up! (Whoops, spoiler alert) Within the compartment... is a camera. Greg, since his camera at home sucks, figures that, "ehh, this weird old camera that I found in this house that's been abandoned and left to rot for 25 years will probably be better." Wow, that must be one awful camera. Thus, he grabs the camera, only for the compartment to slam shut immediately. Maybe the camera put a timer on the door in order to keep drafts out.
Greg goes back over to the others, where Michael is prancing around in 2 boas and a cowboy hat, because that's what people do for fun. Greg asks Michael if he can take his picture, and Michael agrees, going to the top of the stairs and striking a pose. Greg takes the picture, and the picture pops out, meaning that it's a self-developing camera. Suddenly, Michael leans over to get a closer look at the picture, when suddenly, the banister breaks and he falls and sprains his ankle. Shari's about to go for help, when suddenly they hear footsteps and leg it. Well, other than Michael, of course, for all the Billy Deeps in the audience. Shari and Doug carry him over to a nearby door, which thankfully has no lock, but it's stuck. Greg and Doug charge at it, and the 2 12/13 year old (Greg's age is never mentioned) boys (one of them is as skinny as all of the jokes I've made so far laid on the floor next to each other, by the way) somehow slam open a stuck door. What.
Outside, they notice Spidey watching them through the living room window. (*Insert joke about a wide range of celebrities here*) They set off back to Michael's house, (I don't think he's taken off the boas and hats yet, because the book hasn't said so) and his ankle feels a little better. Then, after, like, 2 chapters, Michael remembers the photo Greg took of him, and Greg shows it to the gang. The picture shows Michael falling, but that doesn't make any sense, since Greg took the photo before Michael fell. Greg realises he has to go do the vacuuming, and returns home. At home, he sees a new car in the driveway, so he immediately goes and smells the inside. You know, like normal people! Greg, actually like a normal person this time, takes a photo of the car. Since this is 1993, I have no idea what he'd actually do with the picture, since social media hasn't been invented yet and I doubt his family have any albums that would warrant a picture of a car in them. However, when the photo develops, the car in it is completely wrecked. Oh no, what's gonna-oh wait, the blurb already spoiled it for me and anyone else who bothered to read it (all 3 of you). Nice job, scholastic.
During tea, Greg's dad announces that he's taking the family (Greg, his mum, and his brother, Terry) on a trip in the new car, which of course sets Greg on edge, since, you know, the picture. Quick bit of greater focus than usual. You know how almost every chapter in these books ends on a cliffhanger,a build up to a fake-out or a variation on, "I had some kind of plan"? Well, here's the final line of chapter 10:
"Are there any more potatoes?" Terry asked.
Marvellous. So, they all get in the car, and off they go. Unfortunately, Greg's dad seems to suck at driving, since here he is going 75 miles per hour in a 50 miles per hour zone! Move over, Scumbag Driver, here comes Greg's dad, and he's packing heat!
The next day, Greg and Shari head off to Doug's first baseball game of the season. Greg's brought the camera with him, because why not. Doug shows up, and because his team was budgeted by a headmaster, none of his uniform fits (aside from the cap). Doug gets called over by his coach, but, before he leaves, Shari takes his picture using the camera. The photo develops, and it shows Doug on the floor in horrible pain. Doug assumes it's just out of focus, because that's a reasonable explanation, and runs off to his coach. Greg and Shari start messing around with the camera, trying to get it open in order to see if that works. I honestly have no idea if that's sensible or not. On one hand, they could probably end up breaking the camera, but on the other hand, I'm pretty sure anyone would be curious about a camera that does this sort of thing. They eventually give up, but then turn around to see Doug sprawled on the ground, looking exactly like he did in the photo. However, it was another one of his terrible, terrible jokes. If he keeps up with making jokes this awful, Curly Howard's going to rise from the grave and come beat him up.
The game starts, and it's lame. Doug's team are already 12-3 down, and the ball keeps flying over his head. Greg, Shari, and the audience start booing, presumably to wake the reader up; this part sucks. Shari suggests going home, but Greg says that Doug's coming up to bat next inning, so he wants to stay and boo him. Man, they're such good friends! Because Doug's team sucks, it takes a while before they get up to bat. Doug steps up, and hits a single, making me realise how much I'd rather be playing Wii Sports baseball than reading this scene. Greg and Shari boo him a bit, and, when they're about to leave, the next batter up hits the ball and it slams into Doug's head, knocking him over. He sprawls on the ground like he did in the photo, and - wait, does this mean that the photo came true twice? I mean, he was in the same position twice, and you really don't care, do you?
Anyway, Shari leaps out of the stand and runs over to Doug, but as Greg's about to do the same, his brother, Terry, arrives, despite the fact he's supposed to be at work at
At the hospital, we experience some pretty good descriptive writing as Greg is very scared and confused as he goes to see his dad. It seems that Greg's dad isn't the worst driver in this story, as, apparently, some a-hole had run a red light and ploughed straight into the car. Maybe the camera was driving it, and that's why it didn't stop. Greg's dad's going to be fine, though he did break a few bones. For whatever reason, Terry asks his dad what bones he broke. As you do.Finally, at the end of chapter 15 of this 31 chapter book, Greg figures out that the camera's making all of this happened. I must admit, Greg, while I prefer you to Julie from the Horrorland installment, it did only take her up to chapter 6 to figure this out.
The following weekend, it's Shari's birthday, and Doug seems to be doing just fine after being hit in the head with that baseball. Shari, over the phone, tells Greg to bring the camera, despite the fact he points out that bad stuff has happened to anyone who's had their picture taken with it. Greg also reveals that he had a dream, in which he was at a barbecue with his family, and he took their picture with the camera. When the photo developed, everyone was a skeleton in it, despite the fact that there's no reasonable way that could happen, unlike every other photo that's been taken. Also, what is it with these books and dream sequences where everyone turns into spooky skeletons in a picture? Did Tumblr work on this sometime in August? Regardless, because Shari is a horror protagonist, and that type of person usually makes ridiculous decisions, she insists that he brings it, so Greg eventually just says, "screw it," and agrees.
Thus, Greg, Doug, and Michael arrive at the party, where they find that they're the only male guests; there are also 9 girls at the party. Thinking about it, going off of the slang I usually listen to, isn't it ironic that one of the few guests who isn't a girl is nicknamed, "Bird?" Anywa, Greg takes Shari's picture with the camera, at her urging, and when it develops, Shari's not in the picture. So, technically, Greg hasn't taken her picture yet. I was going to say, "but," earlier, but then realised that no-one would be surprised when something weird happpened.Shari tells Greg to take Michael's picture, but Michael declines, saying that the last time he had his picture taken, he fell down the stairs. Out of context, that just makes him sound a bit silly. Shari suggests that they start playing a game. Someone suggests truth or dare, to Greg's dismay, since, in a pretty relatable scene for any 12 year old, he realises just how embarassing this whole ordeal's going to be. Greg tries taking Shari's photo again, but, again, she's not in it. Thus, they go into the woods for some more privacy, to mixed reaction from the guests and awkward collar tugging from me in an attempt to convey how "errrr...." this is going to be. After about half an hour, when Greg and Michael are presumably considering faking their deaths and moving to Siberia, Shari's mum calls everyone in for cake. However, they quickly realise that Shari is missing. Doug goes to the woods to look for her, but to no avail. Maybe she'd thought of moving to Siberia first.
Soon afterwards, the police arrive to look for Shari, but they can't find her either. Well, at least they're better than the cops from Dr Maniac vs Robby Schwartz, who somehow dragged a kid to someone's house, thinking that it was someone completely different. Want more proof? Well, when Greg tells them about the camera, they don't say, "you did it, didn't you?" No, they say, "Poor kid, he must be really upset." In fairness, despite the fact that they aren't accountants, they probably would't believe the story of an evil camera that makes bad stuff happen.
The cops take Greg home, but he finds that someone's been in his room and has turned the place upside down. Look, Captain Ben, I highly doubt that your leg is in Greg's room. Realising that Spidey's after him and the camera, he knows what to do, so he calls Doug and Michael and asks them to help him return the camera. They meet at Doug's baseball field, and are about to head off to the Coffman House, when Doug thinks that they should just leave the camera for Spidey to find, and tries to grab it off of Greg, inadvertently pressing the shutter. Doesn't this camera have a power button? Suddenly, 2 a-holes called Joey and Mickey show up, requesting that they hand over the camera. Joey and Mickey are terrible. They're not fun to hate like the Beymer twins, or fun to hate to hate like the Sneer Sisters. They're fun to hate to hate to hate, if you will. Apparently, Mickey once beat up a guy so bad that he was crippled for life, though Greg's pretty sure that Mickey made that up himself. Apparently, Joey and Mickey like nicking people's bikes and then dumping them when they get bored, kind of like the Beymer twins. Are you trying to torment me? They snatch the camera, and Joey's about to get his picture taken, when Doug stops him.
"I know this kid," Mickey told Joey, pointing at Bird. "Thinks he's hot stuff."(*Big Shaq looks into the camera like he's on the office*) Mickey is about to snap Joey, but, despite the fact that they totally deserve it, Greg grabs the camera, and he, Michael, and Doug leg it. Michael and Doug chicken out, because apparently now they are at the end of the second act of any movie made in the past 2 years. Oh no, is the climax going to involve some kind of sky-beam? Greg remembers the photo that was accidentally taken of him, and has a look at it. It shows him and Shari, cowering in terror as a shadow looms over them. Presumably, the shadow is what this franchise will become, and they are both terrified because it sucks. It can't possibly be anything else! (*coughSpideycough*)
2 days later, Greg's at home alone, feeling remorseful for Shari's disappearance and the fact that no-one will believe what actually happens. In a fit of rage, Greg tears up the photos, and throws himself on his bed in guilt and rage. This is a really good scene, but anyway, 2 hours later, he gets a call... from Shari. Apparently, she claims that she can't remember anything from the past 2 days, and only found herself in front of her house 2 hours ago. Gee, I wonder how that happened? Greg quickly does the maths that we already did, and realises that his suspicions about the camera have been confirmed. Really? I'd never have guessed that the camera was making all of this happen!
The next day, Greg and Shari meet up in the playground, and they have a quick chat. According to Shari, her parents blame her for her disappearance. "Help! I've been stabbed!" "Oh, well that's your own fault, then, isn't it." Greg tells Shari that the camera's causing all this, and asks her to help him return it to the Coffman House. Why doesn't he just do it himself? He's just taking a camera back to ye olde creepy abandoned house round the way, not busting a major drug ring! Suddenly, as they're about to set off, Spidey appears, looming over them, just like in the photo from earlier. They run away, with Spidey in pursuit. Again, I'm pretty sure this is the sort of thing that would get you arrested most days. Just as Spidey's about to catch them, a guy in a car honks his horn and says that he's calling the cops, causing Spidey to run off. And thus concludes this chase that didn't even last a whole page. Greg and Shari agree to meet up outside the Coffman house the next day to return the camera, despite the fact that there's some homeless psycho chasing after them, and that seems to be where he lives. I can't see anything going wrong!
The next day, Greg and Shari meet up at the Coffman house, and Greg returns the camera to its hiding spot in the basement, when, suddenly, Spidey shows up. Exposition time! Spidey corners them and starts to tell them the camera's backstory. First off, Spidey tells Greg that the latter knows about the camera, and that the camera is actually evil. Oh my god, the camera's actually Dr Destro! It turns out that Spidey was actually a scientist the whole time. Or, rather, an ex-scientist. Apparently, the camera was created by his partner in the lab, which would apparently make the partner rich. Somehow. Why is he telling them this?Anyway, Spidey was young and evil at the time; so evil, in fact, that he stole the camera. How diabolical! Unfortunately, his partner ruined his chances of getting it back with the whole "If I can't have it, no-one can" method. And thus, his partner put a curse on the camera, since he was a master of the black arts. Scientist, dark sorcerer, camera manufacturer... what else does this guy do? Play an instrument, cook, volunteer at the charity shop, etc? Apparently, the curse that was put on the camera caused it to capture souls. By making people get hit in the head with a baseball. Right. According to Spidey, people have died because of the camera, and that's how he found out about the curse. And so, he has dedicated the rest of his life to making sure that no-one ever finds the camera. It hasn't been easy though; it's cost him his job, his home and his family. Wow, I'm actually starting to feel sorry for this guy. However, now that Greg and Shari know everything about the camera, they can't leave. Yeah, but what are they going to do with that information? After all, no-one's going to believe them (other than Doug and Michael), and it's not like they'd tell anyone. OK, maybe Greg would use it to pick up women at bars in the future, but aside from that, the information is useless! Does Spidey work for an exam board or something? Spidey grabs the camera and Greg -
A few days later, Shari and Greg are chatting to Doug and Michael and wrapping everything up. Apparently, they called the police and told them that they found Spidey dead in the basement when they went into the Coffman House to get out of the rain. Because that's a reasonable thing to do. You mean you don't go into derelict houses to get out of the rain? They didn't tell the cops about the camera, since they wouldn't believe it, and besides, I don't think Shari wants to end up with a manslaughter charge. The gang ride off on their bikes into the sunset, and everything's lovely once again. Or is it? Joey and Mickey, the a-holes from the baseball pitch, poke their heads out of the bushes, and reveal that they've been watching the gang for a while, and have swiped the camera. For some reason. I mean, they're only talking to each other. Anyway, they also have the camera, and Joey gets his picture taken. The incredibly disappointing end.
Ridiculous name(s) of the week
This story takes place in a town called Pitts Landing. "Oh no, it's raining armpits!" "I suppose, Greg you could say that... Pitts are Landing?" "Why do I hang out with you, Bird?" "How many times have you asked me that now?"
Also, Doug's baseball team is the Pitts Landing Dolphins. Apparently, it was either dolphins or zephyrs, whatever those are.
Extra toppings
(*Insert Uncle Phil joke here*) I'm kicking myself for not putting one in.
Conclusion
Those who remember a few of the jokes from previous reviews will know that I seemingly held the Say Cheese and Die franchise in pretty low regard, but I was mainly remembering sequels when I said that. In actuality, this book is amazing. Unlike the Horrorland book, the protagonists are all likeable and relatable, since they're just normal people, and not obsessed with photography ("Hi, my name's Julie Martin, and I'm a photoholic."). It kind of feels like IT or Stranger Things in the way that it's about a bunch of kids going on a supernatural adventure. It's a creative concept, and near the end, Spidey's actually pretty sympathetic. However, Joey and Mickey are terrible and superfluous characters, and the ending is a bit lame. Also, the baseball scene's pretty boring, but, overall, this is definitely one of the higher tier books from the original series.
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