Well, the Christmas decorations are in the shops again, so that can only mean one thing: it's Halloween! Time for an extra review in celebration. Our hero, Brandon Plush, could probably give someone from the short stories a run for their money (or, in the case of Ashley from Suckers, lack thereof, because she spent it all on gummy worms). Brandon could easily be mistaken for Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, as he's clearly not meant to be liked. We open with him telling a scary story to the 2 kids he babysits. Yeah, from what we see of this guy throughout the book, it's pretty clear that he was the only guy that volunteered to do this job, or they wouldn't have hired him. Brandon is telling them about a ghost that lives in the kids' basement. Said ghost has, according to Brandon, has a "bad habit" of murdering people. Is their something like an AA group for that? "Hi, my names Jim, and I'm a murderous ghost." He also tells the kids that one of the ghost's victims still haunts the house, but, because these kids who haven't hit double digits are somehow more logical than a year 8, they don't believe him. So, Brandon puts on a mask, and pretends to be a headless ghost-wait, what.
Brandon also (somehow) has a friend called Cal, who is about 6 feet tall, like most 12 year olds. Brandon likes Cal because they both enjoy tormenting kids and also because Cal is able to pull things off of high shelves. The 2 should-be villains start reminiscing about all the times they have trapped kids in an old abandoned house that is in the neighbourhood. These guys should probably be characters in a Friday the 13th movie, not goosebumps. I'm already starting to feel bad for criticising Billy Deep all the time.
Cal proceeds to overreact to a kid scuffing his Air Jordans. Space Jam would've been better if this guy was in it. Brandon is somehow concerned that this means that Cal will one-up him, meaning that Brandon's pranks probably aren't that good. Proof is presented (I feel like I'm writing an english essay all of a sudden) immediately afterwards, when Brandon chucks acid at his cousin Vinnie. Except it's not acid at all, it's just water. Well, having seen Brandon's actions beforehand, I wouldn't blame you if you actually fell for it. Brandon's least favourite teacher, Mr Benson, catches him throwing water at Vinnie, and sentences him to detention, despite the fact that no other prankster in goosebumps has actually been punished. First time for everything, I guess. For some reason, giving Brandon detention is enough to warrant a desire for revenge. For what, exactly? Doing his job? Grrr, the postman put my parcel behind the bin instead of through the letterbox. This means war! I don't care if he left a note about it! By tomorrow night, I shall have his head!
At home, Brandon jumps out at his little sister, Maya, and screaming. I know he's a jerkish prankster, but can he at least come up with something a little more creative, like, say, anything else. Brandon then reveals to the reader his brilliant plan for revenge on Freddy from iCarly (get it? Because his surname's Benson?): he and Cal are going to sneak into his house and trash the place. That is called breaking and entering, trespassing, and vandalism, and it's illegal. Then, to make up for not being able to trick-or-treat, they're going to pinch some kid's (presumably lame) haul. That's called theft, and it's illegal. Please tell me this is going to be like Psycho, where *CENSORED FOR SPOILER ALERT REASONS*
We cut forward to Halloween night. Brandon's mum forces him to take Vinnie, Maya, and her 2 friends trick-or-treating. Well, at least then you're sure to get candy if you're with little kids. Brandon proceeds to do more things that probably do not fall into the 'legal' category of things to do on Halloween night. He (and Cal) dump Maya and her friends on a dark street corner. They also trap Vinnie in the abandoned house I mentioned earlier. I would like this so much better if Michael Myers suddenly kills Brandon and Cal, who are then replaced as the protagonists by Jamie-Lea Curtis and Dr Loomis.
Brandon and Cal proceed to have a Headless Halloween (cinemasins counter goes ding, because title drops are a problem) by pretending to be headless ghosts. This is done by holding up a mask above their head and then removing it. This is somehow one of the least jerkish things that Brandon does in the first act of the book. Eventually, the 2 rejected Texas Chainsaw remake characters tire of scaring kids and decide to head to the house of Barry from Bee Movie (don't worry, that's the last Benson joke in this review). Mr Benson's house is for some reason located overlooking a ravine, because that's perfectly safe. Spoiler alert: it isn't. Remember that in 2 or 3 paragraphs time.
Within the house, Brandon and Cal find beer within Mr Benson's fridge. I'd say "that encourages underage drinking, which is illegal," but does anyone really care about that law? Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention, Brandon and Cal had been stealing the disappointing hauls of the kids they had scared with their "headless halloween." Why am I only mentioning this now? Because Brandon realises he's been eating too much candy and barfs all over Mr Benson's kitchen table. Cal thinks that's enough (it's really not, but anything restraining Brandon's actions is welcome), but Brandon thinks that they should flip Mr B's couch over for good measure. Move over, Vincent Price in House of Wax, we've got a new ultimate revenge.
However, the ULTIMATE REVENGE will never happen, to be told about in song decades after it happened, to become a tale more widely known than Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, to put Vincent Price in House of Wax to-wait a minute, I just made that comparison. Why? Because Mr Benson returns and sets 2 vicious dogs on Brandon and Cal. That is also illegal, Mr Benson. I'm calling the police. Staying in character, Brandon leaves his best friend to die, and besides, Brandon's got some bigger problems. Remember how I said earlier that the ravine which Mr B's house overlooks was dangerous? Well, Brandon steps off the cliff and falls right to the bottom of the ravine. However, Brandon wakes up seemingly unharmed at the bottom of the ravine. And this makes the book a bit of a tragedy, because there are elements in it that could be used for a much better story. This is one of them; Brandon (who, in a perfect world, or on planet Kate as my physics teacher puts it, would actually be likeable) would wake up in the ravine at the start, and then things would subtly get weirder as the story progresses, leading to the big reveal at the end which I'll get to later. And, it certainly seems like it's going in that direction at first, as Brandon wanders over to a street he's never seen before-
At the party, Brandon starts eating a doughnut (in fairness, the logical first option at a party is to eat), but finds it full of worms. Typical depiction of school food from Jamie Oliver. He is then pinned to the ground and forced to eat it. I'm pretty sure that's also illegal. He is then forced to go bobbing for cockroaches. Too much, too early. And then he's forced to play Twister. Eh, that's not that bad. But then the other players turn into snakes and wrap themselves around Brandon. I think that's cheating, but then again, there's nothing in the rules about it.
Eventually, Brandon escapes, but gets chased by zombies. Boy, this Murder Party remake isn't very good. Brandon runs towards the rocks and finds his body laying there, dead. This should really have been the ending of the book, as well as the big reveal at the end of the alternative story I suggested earlier. However, because we know that Brandon has already fallen into the ravine, it's not shocking at all. Brandon meets Norband again, who tells him that he's in the Other Side. Isn't that the place where the "friends" of the villain from The Princess and the Frog hang out? Since Brandon was already scaring people, his soul is now trapped on the other side of being scared. However, there is one way for Brandon to redeem himself. No there isn't, but I'll just go along with it if it gets the book over more quickly. Pretty much, Brandon has to save just 3 people from being scared in the span of an hour. Still a better task than anything in the Saw movies.
Norband shoves Brandon back into his body, and he sets out to destroy everything he stands for. Unfortunately, when Brandon gets back to the mortal realm, he's confronted by Mr Benson's illegal murder dogs. He manages to save Cal, but in the process gets caught by the dogs. Good job. Brandon somehow distracts the dogs with candy. Yeah, great job-when they snaffle one of your bite-size cadbury's bars, they'll just die. I'm pretty sure that's called murder, and (say it with me, folks) it's illegal.
Brandon looks around for someone to un-scare, and finds Vinnie in the abandoned house. He calls for Vinnie, who begs for Brandon not to come in (I'm not making that joke, do it yourselves in the comments), probably because he, like all of us, doesn't want Brandon to succeed. Brandon comes in anyway, and finds Vinnie crying on the floor, presumably having read ahead and finding out what the actual climax of the book is. And then, the book actually becomes good for a bit, as a ghost appears. This really deserves to be in a better book. However, Brandon tries doing his Headless ghost routine... and it actually works. No, really. The ghost quickly runs away. Brandon thinks that the danger has passed, but then Vinnie informs him that the man was only, as he puts it, "the ghost's pet." Turns out that the actual ghost is the house itself. How does Vinnie know this? Also, wasn't this an episode of What's New Scooby Doo? The walls start closing in on them, but Brandon fights them off... with a torch.
Brandon goes off to find his final non-scare, and finds Maya and her friends (yeah, I forgot about them too) being harassed by a group of bullies. Well, they're not exactly scaring Maya and co, are they? Brandon tries to scare the bullies away, but somehow they don't fall for his "holding up a mask and then not" routine. What? But it was so perfect! Just then, Brandon's hour is up and he keels over and dies. This does scare the bullies away, so Brandon somehow gets it into his head that this'll be good enough for his final un-scaring. Also, of course this is the book's climax, and not the giant evil ghost house.
Back on the Other Side, Brandon asks Norband if he can go back to the real world now, but it turns out that Norband wasn't actually going to let Brandon go back to the mortal world. Eh, to be fair, I wouldn't either. Norband then takes off his mask to reveal Brandon's face. Then he takes off that mask to reveal nothing. So, how were the masks staying on, then? Brandon is somehow not freaked out by this, and it seems that old habits die hard, because he suggests that they go back to the normal world and start scaring people. And nothing developed in a character in this story.
Extra toppings
Brandon has 2 mottos: "Make 'em scream," and "Oops - just joking!"
- Why does he have 2?
- How is just the 2nd one even a motto?
Conclusion
Headless Halloween is sort of like Alien vs Predator: it's both parts good and bad. However, unlike Alien vs Predator, the bad far overshadows the good. There are, like I said, some good ideas that could work in the better story that I presented, and the scene with the ghost house was pretty good. But, overall, it's a pretty bad story with an unlikable protagonist (though I admit, he is fun to hate) that isn't really worth checking out.
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