Goosebumps Horrorland #6: Who's Your Mummy?

Blurb
Abby and Peter are staying with Uncle Jonathon in an eerie old village. (They are particularly annoyed by the old guy in the local pub telling them not to go into the castle on the hill) Their uncle knows a lot about Egypt, and his living room even looks like an ancient tomb (convenient for stashing all of the bodies). Do other secrets lurk in the house? MUM's the word! (Mum? What are you doing at uncle Jonathon's?)
Next, Abby and Peter (this is a lie, Peter never goes to Horrorland) will get all WRAPPED up (ha ha ha.) in a terrifying mystery. Slappy the Dummy (of course, who else?) and other villains (yeah, why bother naming the good ones?) have been sighted in the Horrorland theme park. A monster named Byron might offer help... if they can find him.

Plot
We open with our heroine, Abby Martin, and her younger brother, Peter, having a water fight in their living room. That seems safe; Granny Vee'll kill you when she sees you ruining the couches. Who is Granny Vee? Well, Abby and Peter live with Granny Vee, because their parents are... actually, I don't know. They're like Penny Gadget, except in goosebumps. The way Abby describes herself, I'd swear I was reading a fanfiction if I didn't know better. She describes her long, jet-black hair as being her best feature (to the point where it's actually central to the plot, but we'll get to that later), and apparently has a "world-famous" long-distance water spit, which she demonstrates by spitting water down the back of Peter's t-shirt. I think I've figured out her full name: Abby Mary Sue Martin (she's probably been through confirmation. For those who don't know, it's a catholic thing.). Granny Vee says she has to have a chat with Abby. She tells her that she's not feeling very well, and has to go off to hospital for some tests. Thus, Abby and Peter are being sent to stay with their Uncle Jonathon for 2 weeks. She says it'll all be fine, and they can talk to each other, since Abby's phone'll work in the small village with Uncle J lives in. Well, they just said "phone," so now all the deputy headmasters are trying to figure out a way to turn it into proof that phones are bad.

Once arriving in the tiny village, called Cranford, by the way, Abby and Peter spot a large, creepy house with bats flying around it. They ask a random old lady they meet for directions, who advises them not to go to the house, which they assume is uncle Jonathon's. She tells them that a lot of groaning is heard from within the house. Wow, that's a lot of people reading the ending of Lizard of Oz. Abby also notices bats flying near the house, for some reason. Is the twist that Uncle Jonathon is secretly Batman? A coach arrives, because this story is set in 1912, and the lady runs off. Well, that was rude. The driver of the coach is Uncle Jonathon, who has long, straight, black hair parted in the middle. My mistake, he's actually Severus Snape (with a mustache. That rejection from Lilly can't have done him much good.)

Uncle Jonathon apologises for being late and takes Abby and Peter up to ominous manor. Once there, they discover that the entire interior of the house looks like ancient Egypt. Make up your mind, story: is Uncle Jonathon Batman, Snape, or King Tut from the Adam West Batman TV show? King Bat-Snape laments about how the ancient Egyptians were ahead of us in so many ways. In fairness, they probably didn't have X-factor, but on the other hand, he could be talking about how they didn't have phones. Peter starts bugging Uncle Jonathon about mummies, when in comes Jonathon's annoying maid, Sonja. She just keeps saying "by my soul" and talks in a sing-song voice the whole time. Not only is she annoying, she's also a creep, as she runs her fingers through Abby's hair. I'm calling the police. Sonja leads Abby and Peter to their rooms, and tells them not to open one particular door, for it's Uncle Jonathon's private office. Yeah, right, Sonja; we all know that's were you keep Leatherface and you just leave food out for him every day.

Whilst unpacking, Peter comes into Abby's room and shoots her. With a water gun. Ha, I just goosebumps chapter ending'd you all! They decide to call Granny Vee, and when they tell her that Uncle Jonathon seems to be really into ancient Egypt, she sounds confused. She tells them that she doesn't want them to worry, and I honestly like these scenes when they're talking to Granny Vee, because it is pretty emotional and allows us to build a connection with her. It makes you really hope that she'll pull through, and therefore makes her probably the best written character in the book. Abby is tired and decides to go to bed. However, she is soon awoken by some dark object jumping onto her face and almost suffocating her. It turns out to be a black cat called Cleopatra and-wait a sec. Didn't they already do this bit way back in Monster Blood? Sonja gets Cleopatra out of Abby's room, and is a creep a bit more, though this time she mutters that Abby's hair won't go to waste. Forget the police, I'm calling the FBI.

The next day, at dinner, Uncle Jonathon tells Abby and Peter about the first time he sailed up the river Nile. For some reason, Peter asks him if he was scared. That'd be like me, getting on a boat to France over the English channel and wetting myself when the boat left the dock. Actually, Peter asks him if he was scared of the mummies, because he is unable to shut up about them. I hope he never tries to read any goosebumps books with "Mummy" in the title, because most of them aren't actually focused on mummies. Say what you will about Tom Cruise's remake of The Mummy, but it actually focused on the mummy (and setting up the Dark Universe, but that's not the point). Anyway, Uncle J rightfully points out that all the mummies are in museums or their tombs, not having a leisurely swim down the Nile. He tells them that there were some cool looking fish in the river, and he leaned over the side of the boat to get a closer look, but fell in. Well done. Then he felt something-probably killer eels-swim up his trousers, and they chewed off his legs and he died. Shocked silence from Abby and Peter, though it was of course an odd joke, because he's obviously still alive. Tough crowd.

After dinner, Uncle Jonathon takes Abby and Peter to the "temple", a perfect reconstruction of an ancient Egyptian temple, which took him 3 years to build. If you don't think that's awesome, you're dead wrong and need to be flogged. Within the temple is a sarcophagus, which houses the mummified body of the made-up boy king, Ka-Ran-Tut. Abby leans in to get a closer look, but when she does, she hears the not-fake mummy whisper to her.

"Who's your mummy?"

Cinemasins counter goes "ding, roll credits." But it turns out that this was just a really lame prank by Peter. I'm imagining a youtube prank channel that's run by all of the prankster sidekicks from goosebumps.

That night, Abby wakes up to the sound of groaning. Remembering the crazy old lady's warning, she goes to find Uncle Jonathon, but then gets attacked by a large bat. Ha! I knew Uncle J was Batman! The bat then flies back out the window. Abby spies an evil looking chap outside the window, who promptly gets attacked by the bats. I don't think getting vampire bats to attack trespassers is any less bad or illegal than getting dogs to attack trespassers. Abby runs around like a headless chicken, screaming for Uncle Jonathon. Unfortunately, she bumps into Sonja (urgh) instead. She puts her to bed and tells her that the guy she saw getting attacked by the bats will know not to return. Or he could, y'know, try coming in through the side of the house that isn't surrounded by killer bats. Once Sonja has left, Abby hears someone moaning about how they want to die. So, in this house there's either an emo or someone who works in retail.

The next morning, Uncle Jonathon apologises to Abby and informs her that he keeps a bat cave under the house. If your're trying to convince me that you're not Batman, Uncle J, you're not doing a very good job. Abby goes upstairs to get dressed, and finds that a lock of her hair has been cut off. Maybe, as well as Uncle Jonathon, Sonja, Abby, Peter, and the emo/retail worker, Edward Scissorhands lives in this house, and is as creepy as Sonja. With a house that size, I wouldn't be surprised. Just then, Cleopatra (the cat, not the last queen of Ancient Egypt) jumps on her back, and Abby shakes her off. She spies her water pistol, which she had brought with her, which is full, and she shoots the cat with it. But then the cat crumbles to dust.

Abby runs to get Peter and tells him what's happened. They logically decide to get out of there, and call Granny Vee on the way back. They look for Uncle Jonathon to tell him that they're needed back home, but can't seem to find him. Perhaps he's off battling the joker. They eventually come to Leatherface's closet - I mean, Uncle J's private quarters, but, instead of finding the entrance to the Batcave, they come across a load of mummies hooked up to oxygen tanks and such, and they're all groaning, as if they're alive. This is a really creepy and disturbing scene, partially because of the mystery of the whole thing and of course just how disturbing and unexpected to walk into a room full of mummies hooked up to life support. They spy Uncle Jonathon standing over a long metal table, but luckily, he doesn't spot them. No, he's too busy eating the organs of a mummy. This is also disturbing, and while it's a bit gorey, it is actually pretty creepy. Yeah, a book for 9 year olds does gore better than big budget horror films. Do you need any further proof that the Texas Chainsaw remakes are awful yet?

Abby and Peter think that they should instead call the cops. What are you going to tell them? "Help, my bat-uncle's eating the inside of a mummy and I accidentally disintegrated his cat!" However, Abby finds that Uncle Jonathon has taken the battery out of her phone. Admittedly, a better strategy of keeping people off their phones than just leaving it unguarded on the kitchen counter (coughmumcough). They come up with the pretty smart (I have very low standards for these characters) plan of going into town to talk to the police. I assume Abby'll just have to get a new phone or battery.

They leave, but when they've barely left, the Uncle Jonathon's batcave are in pursuit of them. And, to make matters worse, the evil bald guy who was attacked by bats earlier shows up. Luckily, the crazy old lady from when Abby and Peter arrived in the village shows up in her car, and they get in. I'm not sure that's a good idea, because, y'know, crazy old lady. However, I was right, but not for the right theory. It turns out that the crazy old lady is actually working with Uncle Jonathon. Whoops. I'm kicking myself, all the clues were there! Wait, no they weren't. Uncle Jonathon reveals that his motive is simple: he's after Abby and Peter's hair. Is everyone who lives in this house besides the emo/retail worker a creep? Actually, there's a bit more to it. Uncle J, Sonja, and the crazy old lady are actually 2000 years old. They've managed to keep themselves alive by eating mummy organs. What. How does that even work? Mummy organs are not magic! But anyway, Abby points out that this doesn't make sense, because the mummy organs should've have shrivelled up by this point. However, Uncle Jonathon reveals that he'd long ago found out the secret to keeping the mummies alive in order to keep the organs fresh: he uses a special ingredient. It's a protein, found in the hair of people with jet black hair, just like Abby and Peter's. The general tone of this scene is like... well... imagine if Freddy Krueger's powerglove from Freddy's Dead was used in the first Nightmare on Elm Street. It's total ridiculousness in a generally creepy story. Sonja and the crazy old lady pin Abby to the table and are about to cut her hair off, but then Peter charges into Uncle Jonathon, knocking the wind out of him. I feel like Batman's normally tougher than that. This buys Abby enough time to get off the table, and the 2 of them make a break for the door. However, the evil bald dude shows up and blocks their path. However, I guess I should take back the "evil" part, because the bloke reveals that he's actually their Uncle Jonathon. To save confusion, the the Uncle Jonathon who isn't bald will be called Batman for now.

Uncle Jonathon tells Batman that he's taking Abby and Peter, but Batman says he can't, because he needs them for ridiculous reasons I've already told you. He decides to tell them the truth; his name is actually Tuttan-Rha, and he'd first seen Abby and Peter when Uncle Jonathon was showing off pictures that Granny Vee had sent him. As uncles do. The day Abby and Peter arrived, Tuttan-Rha had sent Sonja to distract Uncle Jonathon, so that he could pick them up in his place. Abby, Peter and Uncle J make a break for it, and, remembering what the water did to Cleopatra, Abby tells Peter to get his water pistol. However, they can't find it, so Abby runs to get hers and quickly fills it up. She seems pretty OK with murdering people in cold blood. However, when she tries to murder Tuttan-Rha, the water pistol doesn't work. For no reason. This is the equivalent of the "car won't start" cliche for people who don't have drivers licences. Abby ducks into the bathroom as Tuttan-Rha starts strangling Jonathon. As he lets him go, Tuttan-Rha says that Abby can't hide in the bathroom. Maybe she's just on the loo. Respect her privacy, you jerk! Abby comes out of the bathroom and proceeds to spit water all over Tuttan-Rha, who crumbles to dust in, unfortunately for the reader, extremely gruesome detail. They realise that Sonja and the crazy old lady might still try and attack them, but they turn round and see that they too have crumbled to dust, presumably also in incredibly gruesome detail. Apparently their life force was connected to Tuttan-Rha, which makes absolutely no sense, but it's the penultimate chapter of the main story, who really cares by now? One of the mummies pulls Abby close to him and thanks Abby for letting him die. In fairness, I'd want to die too if I'd spent the last 2000 years doing nothing except having some weirdo who's probably Batman devour my organs.

Here's a shocker for you: what follows is amazing. Doesn't sound like much, I know, but it's the ending. The ending in a Horrorland book is amazing. Didn't expect to ever type that. Abby and Peter go back home, where Granny Vee isn't doing so well. This is really well written and serious, something that shouldn't really be possible in a kid's book. Abby and Peter guide Granny Vee down to the kitchen, where they have a parcel for her. Within the parcel is some kind of smelly liver. They get Granny Vee to eat a piece, telling her that she's still gonna be around for a long time. What's great about this is not only the satisfaction of Granny Vee pulling through, but also the fact that what Abby and Peter gives her is never explicitly stated, and I'm a sucker for that kind of thing.

Enter Horrorland
Abby, say it with me, folks, gets an invite to go to Horrorland. Peter doesn't want to come, because he claims that he wants to spend time with his friends instead. Obviously, it's actually because Peter's a lot more nervous now, since, you know, Tuttan-Rha. Actually, Abby is a lot more realistic than most goosebumps characters, as she is now completely petrified by anything related to mummies. On her first night, Abby has a nightmare where she's back at Tuttan-Rha's house, and a mummy case is in front of her. A mummy slowly climbs out of the case. Abby tries to will herself awake, since we can't have mummies going after the protagonists in goosebumps. However, that fails ("Car won't start" cliche-Nightmare on Elm Street edition), and tries to escape, but fails because for some reason, she's moving in slow-motion. Eh, it's a dream, so I'll let it slide. The mummy starts stroking her cheek, meaning that's, like, creep #5 in Tuttan-Rha's house. Abby wakes up screaming, but still feels the mummy's touch. Turns out it's only the curtain in her hotel room. Reader beware, you're in for a scare. Abby gets out of bed to fix the curtains, but notices footprints and gauze lying there on the floor. And... yeah... that's never explained. Suddenly, she hears a knocking at the door, and draws the conclusion that the mummy has returned. However, it's actually a boy named Michael, who we'll learn more about in the next book. Michael might be my favourite character in this whole arc, probably because he's sort of a badass. They start talking, and Michael reveals that his friends call him monster (cinemasins counter punches a pillow, because that's not the title of this book), though he hates that nickname ever since he recently had an experience with real monsters. Yeah, I'd be traumatized too if I ever met Boris Johnson.

Later, in the morning, Abby and Michael meet up and start strolling round the park. They come across a game called the Mummy's Tummy, which naturally freaks out Abby. Michael notices that she's a bit upset, but Abby says that she's fine, despite the fact that there's no reason for her to, since Michael's also had weird, supernatural experiences. Michael has a go, and shoves his hand into the mummy's tummy (it's like the lucky dip if it was designed by Jigsaw's ancient Egyptian counterpart), but yells that his hand is stuck. Of course, it's just a prank, because this is goosebumps. Abby wants to get to a different part of the park, but Michael spots an awesome rollercoaster called the A-nile-ator. I'm not even annoyed by that, it's awesome. The rollercoaster sounds awesome; they shoot along it at the speed of light (well, I suppose this 'coaster is to make up for Dr Maniac's World of Pain from book 5), and there's a bit where they go upside down, and they're about to fall out, when suddenly the safety bars come down. I'll add that to my lawsuit tally.

After Abby and Michael wander around the park for a bit, they bump into Byron, the horror who's been warning everyone about the park. He gives them an ominous piece of paper telling them to escape, because they're in danger. Said danger is unknown, but they're probably in danger of being involved in a terrible cliffhanger. They look for Byron, and seem to find him, but it's actually a different horror, called Cody. He says people always confuse him for Byron, though he has these dimples that he made with a power drill. Well, they're probably less dimples and more huge gaping holes in his cheeks, or at least they would be if he actually had any. Abby and Michael show Cody the note, but he just tells them that horrors give these out all the time, and that it's all part of the experience. Judging by what you've said about your dimples, mate, I sincerely doubt it.

Michael and Abby head back to the Stagger Inn, and, in her room, Abby finds an invitation to lunch at the vampire cafe, where they can meet all the other Very Special Guests. She and Michael head off to the Vampire State Building (groan) where the Vampire cafe is located. There, they are shown to a large table at the back, where all the other Very Special Guests, minus Britney Crosby and Molly Molloy, are seated. Matt Daniels introduces Abby and Michael to Billy McMoron and his sister, Sheena, Carly Beth Caldwell, Sabrina Mason, and Robby Schwartz. Carly Beth and Sabrina recap the first 5 Enter Horrorland sections real quick, and then Matt (who put this jerk in charge? Why can't Robby run this whole thing?) says they're looking for Byron. Abby pipes up and tells them about the note that Byron gave her and Michael. Robby tells the gang about his encounter with Britney and Molly Molloy in the arcade, though Carly Beth and Sabrina suggest that he probably just dreamed it. Luckily, even these books don't stoop that low, as Robby pulls out the Panic Park token that he had picked up at the end of the last book. However, a waitress, thinking that it's a tip, pockets it, which raises the question: how does currency work in this place? Do the horrors get paid? If so, do they get paid in tokens? Do the guests at the park have to use tokens as well? Anyway, Robby shouts at her a bit (she's probably not surprised, she does work at a cafe after all), so she gives him his token-except it's been switched for a Horrorland token. Well, at least you've got a bit more to spend, Robby.

After lunch, the Very Special Guests go into an auditorium that's also located in the Vampire State Building (*groaning intensifies*). There, they are greeted by a horror called Ned, who Matt immediately starts pestering over what's been happening. Eventually, Matt gives up (thank god) and Ned gives them the terrible reason they were invited to Horrorland: to have some spooky fun and to tell their friends about it. Well, why these people who had been through terrifying experiences (and Robby)? Don't worry, it's not the real reason, but we won't find that out for ages. Ned reveals that they'll all be getting some gifts, given to them by the horror who's idea it was to bring them here: Byron. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would know that something's up here. Why would Byron invite these kids to the place where he apparently knows they're all in huge danger? Anyway, Byron hands them some tokens, which verify that they're all Very Special Guests, meaning that all their food is free and they don't have to queue for anything. Abby gets one with a pyramid on, thinking how it might have something to do with Tuttan-Rha, and looks at the others' tokens, though sh doesn't recognise them: Matt has one of the Monster Blood (this is one of the last times it's ever mentioned), Carly Beth has one of the Haunted Mask, and Robby has one of Dr Maniac (*fangirl-like squeeing*). This displays one of the inherent problems with the Enter Horrorland sections: we're constantly being told everything from the perspective of someone who barely has any idea what's going on, though we and pretty much everyone in the story do. Byron leaves, though he tells the gang to meet him in the Bat Barn at 4. Oh no, Batman's (Tuttan-Rha) back from the grave!

Abby, Michael, Billy the idiot, Sheena, Carly Beth, Sabrina, Matt, and Robby gather under the tree and discuss how their coins each have something to do with their experiences. Michael discovers a tracking device in the token, so instead of, y'know, getting rid of the chip, gives his token away. Really? You're missing out on free food and no queues, solving the 2 main problems with going to a theme park, because you might be being spied on for reasons that may be positive? Dammit, Michael, I thought you were cool. Everyone else, minus Carly Beth and Sabrina (nice to see at least 2 of them have some common sense), gives away their coins as well, and head off to the Bat Barn. Within, they don't find Byron, but they do find a flyer left by him. Dammit, Byron, no littering! The flyer is for a place in Horrorland called the Mirror Mansion. They consider it's some kind of clue, when they're all suddenly swarmed by bats. Most of them won't really be great losses. And that's it. That's the end of the book (aside from the Fear File, but who cares about that?)

Obvious plot twist is obvious
"Uncle Jonathon" is not actually Uncle Jonathon. Who were they trying to fool? It was blindingly obvious!


Extra toppings
What was Tuttan-Rha actually doing before the events of the main story? I mean, he obviously lived in Cranford for some time. Did no-one question how he never got older? Did he have a job? He must've, if he had built all the stuff in his house; he would've needed a steady income to afford them. What did he put as his age on all the forms he filled out? Where had he been for the past 2000 years? He can't have lived in Cranford all this time, surely. You know, what you're probably bored by this point, I'll stop.

Conclusion
Who's Your Mummy? is a bit of a mixed bag: there are really good parts, but also some ridiculous moments and plot points that don't make sense or are just flat out stupid. However, the good moments overshadow the bad, making it one of the better Horrorland books.