Goosebumps #23: Attack of the Mutant

Blurb
Skipper Matthews has an awesome comic book collection. His favorite one is called The Masked Mutant. It's about an evil supervillain who's out to rule the universe! Skipper can't get enough of The Mutant. Until one day he gets lost in a strange part of town. And finds a building that looks exactly like The Mutant's secret headquarters. A building that appears and disappears. Has Skipper read one too many comic books? Or does The Masked Mutant really live in Riverview Falls?

Plot
Our hero this time is Skipper Matthews, an overweight comic collector who would probably be a troll on Reddit if this book was written today. For some reason, despite the fact he collects comics, he only reads one series: the stellarly-titled Masked Mutant. It's, like the blurb suggests, about a villain called the Masked Mutant who is trying to take over the world, because, according to Goosebumps, most comic books are about supervillains. The Amazing Spider Man? What's his most dastardly crime? Anyway, the Masked Mutant's superpower is the ability to change himself into any solid material, which is given to him by his mask, because we need a reason for his incredibly unoriginal name. Yeah, great power; you turn into wood to stop someone from punching you, but then they pull out a match and set you on fire. Also, if he turns into a liquid, he can't change back to human form. Why doesn't he just let himself freeze and then morph back to normal? The Masked Mutant is constantly being defeated by a bunch of superheroes, lead by the Galloping Gazelle, who is the fastest man in the world, because scholastic couldn't get the rights to the Flash. Skipper also has a little sister called Mitzi, but she doesn't do much.

Skipper has just received the latest issue of the Masked Mutant, in which a giant squid (nice to see the sea monster's career is still going strong after Dr Maniac's world of pain) is battling a hero called SpongeLife. I'm not entirely sure what his power is, but I'm guessing it's: he's a sponge. Wow, I think even Arm-Fall-Off Boy is laughing at that dude. Also, the giant squid is the Masked Mutant, who has turned into a squid.

One day, Skipper is riding the bus when a cute, redheaded girl called Libby strikes up a conversation with him about comics. This review is going to be very annoying to write with all the warning sirens blaring and red lights flashing. Skipper gets so caught up in the conversation that gets off at the wrong stop, where he sees a building that looks like a supervillain's HQ. Oh, I didn't know that Margaret Thatcher moved to Riverview Falls in the '90s! Actually, the not-as-super villain it belongs to is, according to the only comics Skipper the comic collector reads, the Masked Mutant. Wow, this movie is actually a really good and accurate adaptation of the comics. New scale for accuracy - Fant4stic at the bottom, Attack of the Mutant at the top.He figures that he should go inside, but then realises that he's late for his dentist appointment. Thrilling adventure or dentist appointment? The obvious choice here is obviously dentist appointment.

The next day, Skipper goes back to the building, but, like the quality of the Saw franchise after the 1st movie, it's gone. Skipper goes home and finds the latest issue of The Masked Mutant which has arrived in the post for him. In it, the Masked Mutant puts an invisibility cloak over his secret base. Maybe he borrowed the one that was specially tailored for Hagrid.

The next day, Skipper bumps into Libby the Land-Catfish again. They decide to try and enter the invisible HQ of the Masked Mutant (I'm really getting sick of typing that), and do so successfully, though Skipper is scanned by a strange yellow light when he enters. Typical security check at the airport. Like any attempts to scare people in the Saw sequels, however, it has no effect on him. Skipper and Libby end up separated, and Skipper comes across a large printing press. He assumes that this building is the comic book publisher's HQ, because most comic book publishers have secret invisible evil-lair type headquarters. Skipper goes through the layouts, because that's what I'd do in this weird and amazing setting; read, and not go check all the cool stuff out! He finds a character that looks exactly like him. Oh no, this is gonna be unbearable at school tomorrow. It'll be like when everyone calls me Ron Weasley just because I'm ginger. Libby finds Skipper and gets him to leave. "Aw," says Skipper, "I wanted to waste everyone's time some more!"

At home, Skipper finds that the latest issue of The Masked Mutant and- wait, another one? In the past few days, he's received about 3 issues. And in chapter 1, he clearly states that he reads it every month. What's the deal? Does the Masked Mutant at least have the courtesy to give Skipper infinite issues that haven't been released yet? Anyway, in the comic, Skipper sees various pictures of him wandering round Casa de Mutant. That's called trespassing, Skipper, and it's illegal. It seems that the Galloping Gazelle has been captured. Because it's so easy to get captured when you're, as Skipper puts it, "The fastest man in the solar system!" And, because we need a reason for Skipper to confront the Masked Mutant, only "the boy" can save him.

So, it's back to the Mutant's HQ again, where Skipper does not encounter Libby, which is good because I hate the smell of (cat)fish, and eventually finds the Galloping Gazelle. He frees the Gazelle, who somehow thinks that Skipper is a superhero and keeps asking him what his superpower is. Maybe he's gotten Skipper confused with Bouncing Boy. They make their way to the Mutant's private offices and-back up a sec. You're telling me that the Masked Mutant, one of the most dastardly and powerful supervillains in existence, has a private office. Is the twist that the Masked Mutant is actually Steve Corell? Remember that scene in Spider Man, where he goes to the Green Goblin's office in order to steal the Goblin's paperwork? The Gazelle reveals that his plan is to run really fast around the Mutant to create a cyclone that spins the villain into oblivion, or something. It's a ridiculous plan, I know. Just then, some of the office furniture morphs into the Masked Mutant, and the Gazelle starts to execute his awful, awful plan. However, the Mutant seems to have an ounce of common sense , because he just sticks out his foot and trips the Gazelle over. The leader of a team of superheroes, everyone. The Mutant turns into a leopard and tries to eat the Gazelle, because of course a leopard could eat a man. The Gazelle just runs away, though, meaning that he was originally a short story protagonist, it would seem. The Mutant turns back to normal once more, and starts drilling not-bouncing boy about his superpowers. Eventually, the Mutant just gives up and hoists Skipper to the roof of his office, about to drop him to his demise. That must be one big office. Just then, Libby appears in the doorway holding a toy gun. Oh, good, she can blinky-light the Mutant to death. The Mutant puts down Skipper so she can go and confront Libby, who tells Skipper that, since this is a comic book, anything's possible (except a hero actually staying dead forever), so she declares that the toy gun is a molecule-melter. One flaw there, Libby-it's not a comic book at all, the Masked Mutant just somehow now exists in the real world. She zaps the Mutant and he dies. The end.

OK, not really. Skipper congratulates Libby, who turns on Skipper, saying that Skipper's the molecule-melter's next victim. Libby turns into the real Masked Mutant. Boom. Called it. The Mutant reveals that the other Mutant was actually the Magnificent Molecule Man. Gasp! Wait, who? Also, Molecule Man - you're boss just murdered you for no reason. Why did you even decide to work for this guy? Did he just have a really good pension plan? It also turns out that there is no Libby. Man, you can't even try dating in real life without getting catfished! The Masked Mutant informs Skipper that he turned Skipper into a comic book character. Oh, well done, you idiot, now he's technically immortal! The Mutant then prepares to destroy Skipper, which makes me question why he told him any of this stuff in the face, when we have yet another shocking revelation! Calm down, guys, is this just making up for The Thumbprint of Doom? It turns out that Skipper is not Bouncing Boy at all, but rather The Colossal Elastic Boy!

"Elastic boy!" he exclaimed. "I thought you looked familiar!"

Well, you're the only one who did, mate. None of us have ever heard of this bloke before. Elastic Boy says that he has to get back to his home planet, because he's not allowed to guest star in other comics. That is a brilliant joke. The Mutant threatens to tear Elastic Boy to shreds, but he just tells the villain that he's elastic, so the Mutant can't kill him that way. Then Elastic Boy "accidentally" lets slip that he can only be destroyed by sulphuric acid, which the Mutant proceeds to turn into. Elastic Boy dodges the wave by inches, and the Mutant is gone forever, because he can't change back from liquids. No he isn't, you twit, he's a comic book character. Comic book characters will always find some way to come back from the dead, except Uncle Ben. And then Skipper reveals that he's not the Elastic Boy, and, in fact, the Elastic Boy doesn't exist. Well, if that's the case, then how come the Mutant knew who The Colossal Elastic Boy was?

Skipper goes back home, joyously, even ignoring the 4th new issue of the Masked Mutant that's arrived at his house this week. Did the publishers lose a bet with Skipper and now just try and keep him from asking for his money by compromising to send him all the latest Masked Mutant issues as fast as possible? He has a game of frisbee with Mitzi (admit it, you forgot she even existed). What is it with goosebumps books about comics and superfluous little sisters? They go inside and, after presumably locking the door to keep Michael Rosen out, get out some chocolate cake. Skipper, when cutting the cake, accidentally (I can tell it's accidental because this is 1995) cuts his hand. However, there's no blood, because this is a children's book, but rather, ink. Looks like Skipper's adventures aren't over, which makes me question why this book never got a sequel.

Ridiculous name of the week
The team of superheroes, lead by the Galloping Coward and intent on defeating the Masked Mutant, is known as the League of Heroes. The originality just oozes off the page, doesn't it?

Extra toppings
Skipper has a best friend (probably, knowing Skipper, his only friend) called Wilson, who keeps trying to get Skipper into rubber stamp collecting. Does this guy know Harold from the Thumbprint of Doom?

Conclusion

Attack of the Mutant is a rather good book. The Masked Mutant is a really good villain, and the final battle with him is rather entertaining. There are some parts that don't make sense, which I've already pointed out, but overall, this book is very enjoyable. Give it a read, if you have the time.