Well, Sunday Shorts is back after a 2 week hiatus (I've been away for the past 2 weekends), but let's keep going with some more bears! Because we all remember how positive I was about Please Don't Feed the Bears, right? Mr Teddy, from the first Tales to Give you Goosebumps, starts with our "hero" (and if I used that term any looser, it would fall off of the page) Willa, who always get what she wants. Maybe it's to make up for being called Willa, despite the fact that it lacks the comedic satisfaction of Molly Molloy. Willa has just talked her mum into buying her a teddy, with ruby eyes, for some reason (just imagine that for a second and realise how freaky it is). She names it Mr Teddy, because apparently everyone in this story is terrible at naming. Maybe her mum should set Willa up for a playdate with Kris (from Night of the Living Dummy) and Ethan (from Revenge of the Living Dummy), while she has a cuppa with Mr Molloy and Captain Ben One-leg. She brags about it to her sister, Gina, who is probably only in this story either a) in a failed attempt to pin the blame on someone else or b) to have at least one character in this story with a name that isn't ridiculous.
Willa shows Mr Teddy around her room (as you do with Teddys), showing us her porcelain egg collection and rockstar poster collection. Is there a Skullboy one? Also, Willa, you really need some friends. She introduces Mr Teddy to her old bear called (drum roll please..........) Old Bear. Wow. She places Old Bear on her shelf, probably called Monsieur Shelfington, and goes to sleep with Mr Teddy. The next morning, she wakes up and finds Mr Teddy on the windowsill. She accuses Gina of such an extremely lame prank, who denies it. Not because she didn't do it or anything, just because she would be embarassed if anyone found out she pulled off such a mediocre stunt. The next morning, Willa finds Mr Teddy in the remains of her porcelain egg collection. I don't have any proof, but I am 100% convinced that this story had something to do with the making of the Shining remake. Willa again accuses Gina, but she denies it. Well, to be fair, people do say to keep your good deeds a secret. The following morning, Mr Teddy is in a pile of ripped clothing. Ah, that'll make a handy bed for falling asleep from boredom on. She goes to accuse to accuse Gina, but she's at choir practise, leading to this fabulous one-liner:
Willa makes a semi-smart move (a first for this story) and shoves her dresser in front of her door. Wait, what did she wear that day if all her clothes were ripped? Then again, it's not like she's got a reputation or anything. The next morning (I miss the stories where they all take place on the same day), she wakes up to find her dresser has been moved, and all of her rock star posters have been ripped off of the walls. Ok, if Skullboy is harmed, I'm cool, but if whoever did this laid one finger (or lack thereof) on ACDC or Slash from Guns 'n' Roses, heaven have mercy on your cotton soul. She yet again goes to accuse Gina, despite the fact it is completely implausible that Gina could've moved the dresser. Unless the family knows her to be a trained Jedi or something. Anyway, it's not the sheer implausibility of Gina moving her dresser that convinces Willa that Gina is innocent; no, it's the fact that she was at a friend's house that night! So, she instead comes to the rational conclusion that Mr Teddy did it and puts an end to his unfortunately named existence by ripping his head off. Poor guy, first he gets the world's worst name, then he's decapitated by hand. At least give him the euthanasia from Soylent Green to let him die happy, will you? Willa picks up Old Bear, and hugs him. And, who was the true culprit? Why it was Old Bear, of course! Wow, I feel incredibly sorry for Mr Teddy now. You could've at least let him die with dignity, Willa! He went to his grave knowing no-one will love him! You disgust me! *Looks down* Oh, the word hero from earlier fell off of the page. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Willa, you animal! How could you? You abused this bear from day one! I'm going to call the police, you sick beast!
This story is bad, yes, but I can't bring myself to hate it. It's comedy platinum, and it may be the only story to make me mourn the death of a stuffed bear. It is the perfect story I could review: it's ridiculous, there are infinite jokes, and it allows me to end the review on a high note.
#endteddyabuse
Willa shows Mr Teddy around her room (as you do with Teddys), showing us her porcelain egg collection and rockstar poster collection. Is there a Skullboy one? Also, Willa, you really need some friends. She introduces Mr Teddy to her old bear called (drum roll please..........) Old Bear. Wow. She places Old Bear on her shelf, probably called Monsieur Shelfington, and goes to sleep with Mr Teddy. The next morning, she wakes up and finds Mr Teddy on the windowsill. She accuses Gina of such an extremely lame prank, who denies it. Not because she didn't do it or anything, just because she would be embarassed if anyone found out she pulled off such a mediocre stunt. The next morning, Willa finds Mr Teddy in the remains of her porcelain egg collection. I don't have any proof, but I am 100% convinced that this story had something to do with the making of the Shining remake. Willa again accuses Gina, but she denies it. Well, to be fair, people do say to keep your good deeds a secret. The following morning, Mr Teddy is in a pile of ripped clothing. Ah, that'll make a handy bed for falling asleep from boredom on. She goes to accuse to accuse Gina, but she's at choir practise, leading to this fabulous one-liner:
"She'll be singing a sad song when I get hold of her!"Move over, KSI, we have a new roaster in town, and she's packing heat!(Am I relevant yet?)
Willa makes a semi-smart move (a first for this story) and shoves her dresser in front of her door. Wait, what did she wear that day if all her clothes were ripped? Then again, it's not like she's got a reputation or anything. The next morning (I miss the stories where they all take place on the same day), she wakes up to find her dresser has been moved, and all of her rock star posters have been ripped off of the walls. Ok, if Skullboy is harmed, I'm cool, but if whoever did this laid one finger (or lack thereof) on ACDC or Slash from Guns 'n' Roses, heaven have mercy on your cotton soul. She yet again goes to accuse Gina, despite the fact it is completely implausible that Gina could've moved the dresser. Unless the family knows her to be a trained Jedi or something. Anyway, it's not the sheer implausibility of Gina moving her dresser that convinces Willa that Gina is innocent; no, it's the fact that she was at a friend's house that night! So, she instead comes to the rational conclusion that Mr Teddy did it and puts an end to his unfortunately named existence by ripping his head off. Poor guy, first he gets the world's worst name, then he's decapitated by hand. At least give him the euthanasia from Soylent Green to let him die happy, will you? Willa picks up Old Bear, and hugs him. And, who was the true culprit? Why it was Old Bear, of course! Wow, I feel incredibly sorry for Mr Teddy now. You could've at least let him die with dignity, Willa! He went to his grave knowing no-one will love him! You disgust me! *Looks down* Oh, the word hero from earlier fell off of the page. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Willa, you animal! How could you? You abused this bear from day one! I'm going to call the police, you sick beast!
This story is bad, yes, but I can't bring myself to hate it. It's comedy platinum, and it may be the only story to make me mourn the death of a stuffed bear. It is the perfect story I could review: it's ridiculous, there are infinite jokes, and it allows me to end the review on a high note.
#endteddyabuse
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