For an athlete like Matt Daniels, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's also the most dangerous. That's because somebody is about to pull a mean prank. The recipe is simple: Just add gooey, green Monster Blood.
As if Matt's problems weren't big and slimy enough, an invitation to HorrorLand is also on its way. Can Matt survive inside a terrifying scream park where trouble lurks behind every turnstile? Can YOU?
Plot
Right from the title, I know we've got a winner here. Remember Matt Daniels from Creep from the Deep? Of course you don't, no-one read that review. Basically, Billy and Sheena met him at Horrorland while looking for Britney and Molly Molloy, and he had this magic card that let him win all the arcade games and-I've lost you to the void of boredom, haven't I?
Anyway, Matt and his sister Livvy are apparently always being annoyed by this week's Dr Dumbname, Bradley Wormser. How is he annoying, you don't ask? Because first off, he eats all their food. Well, so do year 7s, but that's not why I find them annoying. He also borrows Matt clothes, because apparently it will make him cool. Yes, because that's how coolness works. Like that time my friend borrowed my Iron Maiden t-shirt and immediately every girl his age in a 200 mile radius asked him out when he stepped out the door.
Whilst walking to school, Earthworm Brad shows Matt a rock he found, claiming that it's from Venus. We should introduce this guy to Billy Deep, they'd get along so well. Matt notices a tiny engraving on the rock, which reads "MADE IN CHINA". This convinces Bradley of the incredibly obvious, so he throws the rock away like it was all plausibility in Mr Teddy when Willa named her teddy Mr Teddy. Speaking of plausibility (or lack thereof), the rock bounces off of a stop sign, because that is how physics works. It hits a car, which belongs to Matt's favourite teacher. Bradley blames Matt so Matt gets in trouble.
Later, they have a test, and if the review seems sub par at the moment, it's only because the first act of this book is really boring and lacks anything that anyone would find interesting. Granted, most goosebumps books are like this, but this one just seems more boring than any of the others (and yes, this includes My Hariest Adventure) because there's nothing to joke about. Anyway, Bradley starts copying off of Matt and gets them both in trouble. The only thing that's stopping my brain from shutting down at the moment is the Motley Crue song I'm listening to while I write this.
Matt goes home and finds Bradley is on his computer. Please don't go. Matt kicks Earthworm Brad off of his computer, only to find that the screen only shows 2 eyes with text that reads Monster Blood. He tries to get rid of it, but nothing works. Wow, how do you make a book about evil slime that constantly grows and eats everything in sight this boring? Matt goes next door, and Bradley tells Matt that he's ordered something that's going to make him more popular than Matt. Is it a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt?
The next day, Matt gets into a fight with Bradley, before they both get hauled off to the principal's office. I know this act is just supposed to make us root against Bradley, but could something, y'know, interesting happen at the same time? The principal almost expels Matt, as principals do when someone gets into a fight, but Bradley defends them both, saying they were acting out a scene from a TV show. And the principal buys it (She also recommends they should watch national geographic instead. No, really).
Matt heads home, but here come the Men In Black, galaxy defenders! They tell Matt that he has something they need, who is a little creeped out by them and leaves. Most business representatives looking for products to be recalled act ominously. Like that time some guys from Tesco came to my house and asked for my lotus spread back while I was at gunpoint.
Bradley shows up at Matt's with a plastic egg that reads MONSTER BLOOD. Finally, we've got some action! Remember in the first book, when they built up what the monster blood could do, before the final climax? Actually, no, Matt just takes the egg off of Bradley. Then he goes upstairs and spills it on his ivy plants. Thrilling. I'm almost considering that Monster Blood IV is more worth reading than this. The next morning, they've grown and I don't care.
At breakfast, Livvy (remember her? Me neither) slips the monster blood into Bradley's cereal and tells Matt, because he was getting too annoying. Oh yeah, like that time I tried to poison a guy who kept asking me to sing Mr Brightside (no offense, if you're reading this). Unfortunately, it turns out Bradley noticed Livvy slip something in his bowl, so he switched cereal with Matt. Like when the Mr Brightside guy slipped arsenic in my coffee upon noticing me poisoning him.
Matt begins growing (because apparently monster blood is delayed reaction now), and during a swimming race, sets a new record due to the fact that he's much larger. And nobody thinks, "hmm, there's something different about Matt today", because I'm pretty sure 12 year olds do not usually grow 3 feet overnight. He realises that the water is making him grow, because that's how monster blood works. Like when Cuddles the hamster had a leisurely swim before growing in Monster Blood II. God, I'm getting annoyed over the continuity of a preteen's series about killer silly putty. Is this what this blog is doing to me?
Matt, still growing, sneaks off to his house and borrows one of his dad's coats. And it fits. Is Matt's dad Dr Jekyll, and that's Mr Hyde's coat? Then, Matt runs into the men in black, they won't let you remember. He tries to give the monster blood to them, because he assumes that's what they're after. But it turns out they were just after some defective stink bombs Bradley ordered, making those characters:
The next day at school, Matt shows up at the science fair (oh yeah, I was so bored I forgot to mention that because this is the first and only time it's mentioned) with his project: some kind of robot birdhouse, which Bradley was apparently was apparently going to copy. Before we end the boredom and I go read My Best Friend is Invisible to get more entertainment (yeah, I went there), I'm going to get one thing out of the way, seeing as there are many science fairs in goosebumps: this isn't how science fairs work. Coming from England, I don't know much about them, but I know the basics of what you have to do: come up with a question, come up with a hypothetical answer, do an experiment of some kind, and then come up with a conclusion. What kind of hypothesis would you prove by building a robot birdhouse? Matt almost wins (because, to be fair, a robot birdhouse sounds kind of cool), but then, enter Bradley, with Matt's 200 ft plants (from which the effects of monster blood have not worn off, apparently), claiming that he made them grow with ultraviolet rays. Mr Scotto, the teacher running the fair, believes this, because he is a man of science. And thus, Bradley wins the science fair because giant ivy plants are a legitamate science project. However, the plant starts to entangle Bradley. If only he had been wearing an Alice Cooper t shirt, he would've been safe. Matt, instead of helping, goes up to Bradley and sarcastically congratulates him. Wow, what a twist: the ending of a goosebumps horrorland book was the best part. This one felt slightly satisfying.
Enter Horrorland
So, to recap: Britney and Molly Molloy are missing, so Billy the idiot, Sheena and Matt have gone to look for them, and now Sheena's invisible because mirrors. Maybe if I turn myself into a pickle, someone else will have to do this while I go on an awesome adventure. Billy goes to the monster police to get help, but they put him through an x-ray machine instead. Turns out they're looking for Matt's maguffin card, but Matt gives it to Sheena to hold. Because Sheena is invisible, they can't see the card. How does that work? Wouldn't they just see the card through her hand?
They run, and the horrors chase after them. They escape into "Dr Twisted's Science Lab", whatever that is. Matt finds a box of monster blood because of course he does, and accidentally opens it because he's a moron. The monster blood eats Billy and Sheena, because they weren't protected by wearing Van Halen t-shirts. Luckily, the horror who gave Matt the card, called Byron, like a typical monster, shows up. He sucks up the Monster blood using a mirror, but Sheena has vanished. Byron gets arrested by the monster police, who melt his mirror and leave. In an unmelted bit of the mirror, Matt and Billy see Britney and Molly Molloy, the only interesting characters in the arc so far, riding on a carousel made of flames.
Extra toppings
What's up with the Monster Blood on the cover? Why does it have a face? Or is this book just designed to erase any semblance of continuity in the monster blood series?
Conclusion
Monster Blood for breakfast is the worst thing any form of media can be, and that's boring. There is no drop of entertainment that can be squeezed from this. Matt is incredibly boring and is completely expendable, and Bradley is only really hateable when he potentially poisons Matt. Everyone else is entirely pointless, and the entire idea of monster blood has had all enjoyability sucked out of it. I would not recommend it at all.
Eh, this is easily the best Monster Blood book. Not that this is saying much but the blood is a threat again and Matt isn't Evan.
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