Evan's not too happy about staying with his weird Aunt Kathryn - she gives him the creeps! But at least he's found a friend, and they've discovered a great toyshop, selling really cool things - like Monster Blood.
But there's something very strange about this Monster Blood -it seems to be growing...
And growing...
And growing...
And what's more, it's developed and appetite - a monstrous appetite!
Plot
Let's see the only instance of the monster blood franchise done right-and that's a bit odd seeing as how there are 5 books and monster blood is such a creative and unique idea. We start off with our protagonist, Evan Ross, being dropped off at his aunt's house, along with his dog, Trigger. His parents are off house hunting in Atlanta, and for who knows whatever reason, Evan can't accompany them. The first chapter is just exposition and Evan talking about how weird Aunt Kathryn is, coming to a head when Evan asks if Aunt K is evil... right when they arrive at her house and she steps out holding a bloody knife. Awkward. Turns out she was just cutting up beef though, and Evan' parents depart. I would not like to give Aunt Kathryn a job interview. Evan quickly realizes there isn't anything to do in the house, immediately before being attacked by a cat named Sarabeth, a common name for cats. Aunt Kathryn ties Trigger up in the back garden to make sure he doesn't scare Sarabeth, so Evan takes him for a walk.
Thankfully, this is the point where the book gets good. While walking Trigger, Evan feels someone grab his shoulder. This someone is Andrea, or Andy as she prefers to be called. Andy's traits include wearing the world's brightest clothes, calling things stupid, and being everyone's favourite goosebumps character. Evan immediately thinks that she's pretty, probably meaning that if these books had gone in a better direction they would've become a thing. Andy claims that the name Andrea is stupid, which it sort of is, but then again so is Andy (in this context, anyway), so I guess both of those add up to make this week's stupid name. Evan jokingly calls himself Evan Stupid, although I believe the surname "Stupid" would apply more to Billy from Deep Trouble.
They decide to head into town and visit the toyshop, because Andy needs to get a birthday present for her stupid cousin. They browse for a bit, until Trigger (whom Evan had taken inside) leads Evan into a back room, where he finds a can labelled "Monster Blood: Surprising Miracle Substance (Can it make a good Say Cheese and Die book?)." The owner catches him, so Evan tries to buy it. After about a page of haggling, the owner caves in and sells it to Evan for $2.
They take the monster blood back to Aunt Kathryn's house, who whispers a cryptic warning to Evan. Yeah, Aunt Kathryn's really not that interesting, so I won't talk about her much. Hell, it's the 4th paragraph and I haven't mentioned that's she deaf until now because it hasn't contributed to anything. They go upstairs, and Andy discovers a bunch of books about magic. Is the twist that Aunt Kathryn is actually Hermione? Said books aren't mentioned after this, although they are part of the build up to the climax. They open the Monster Blood, but, like the twist endings in the Horrorland books, it's really disappointing. It's just glow in the dark silly putty that stains the carpet. They start playing catch with 2 balls of the stuff, but then Evan overshoots and Trigger eats it. Andy is a bit annoyed that now there's not enough for them to share the monster blood, but Evan, who actually has his priorities straight, is very worried about Trigger's health.
The next morning, Evan has a some boring conversation about pie with Aunt Kathryn, assumes she hates him, and calls his parents. It's really boring. The day after, Evan goes out by himself, because Trigger's asleep, only to be accosted by some a-holes who think they're hard. These 2 are the Beymer twins, and they try to mug Evan, but Andy shows up, so they nick her bike and leave. Andy explains that they think they're cool, but they're of course not. I couldn't think of a joke about them, so here's a meme about that type of guys:
The next day, Evan heads off to Andy's house. He finds her in her neighbour's yard, untying a cat's tail from a tree. She knows the Beymer twins did it, but she thinks that they'd just deny it and anyway, the cat's not a very good witness. They go to Aunt Kathryn's and decide to get the monster blood out. When they find it, Evan realises that it's been growing, so they decide to move it into a coffee jar. After they have a fight with the monster blood (they throw it at each other, they don't start beating the snot out of it. Though I would like to see that), they go out back to find that Trigger has doubled in size.
And then all of a sudden, it's night, and Trigger is being chased by Evan down the road. It seems Trigger is chasing the Beymer twins. Honestly, Evan, do the world a favour and let him catch them. And then Trigger... turns into a monster. Ok. And then Evan wakes up, and the whole thing was a waste of time, and a guy at his computer considers throwing a book onto a campfire. However, Evan is now big; except no, he's not, this is also a dream. I almost wish my joke on Sunday about Bonnie Sue Bowers taking over the blog wasn't just a joke.
That morning, Evan and Andy take Trigger to the vet to find out what's going on. The vet concludes it's a late growth spurt, but he takes some samples from Trigger and sends them off to be tested anyway. Andy hurries off to her piano lesson, so Evan goes off to get ice cream. However, the Beymer twins (*audience boos*) show up and try to take Trigger, because that is a thing bullies do. Unfortunately for them (but not for the rest of us), Trigger gets mad and chases after them. When Evan catches up with him, the twins are gone, so he drags Trigger back home. Since the monster blood had grown again, Evan puts it in a bucket and takes it round to Andy's. They decide to split the monster blood between them, though when they put it in a dustbin, it eats the coffee jar.
Evan heads back to Kathryn's, but the Beymers-
The next day, Evan and Andy head down to the toy store to return it. However, they find the place closed down, displayed by the fact that the shutters are down and some lady over the road bangs on about it for a page unnecessarily. They head back and dump it in a bin in the back. Just then, Kathryn receives a telegram from Evan's mum, saying that she's coming to pick up Evan. Wait, a telegram? In the early 90s? Has Evan's mum not discovered any other forms of communication that are more modern, like carrier pigeon? Andy points out that the monster blood is still in Aunt K's dustbin, but Evan doesn't care. Eh, it's not like she's gonna notice. She's barely done anything at this point. Evan runs out to tell Trigger, but unfortunately, Trigger is even bigger now and he runs off. Evan gives chase, but knocks over the bin containing the monster blood (which probably should contain the rest of the series). The monster blood almost swallows Evan, but he escapes. This is the only time the monster blood does this stuff in the entire series, and boy is it satisfying.But not yet. First, after Evan and Andy run down the driveway screaming, the monster blood eats a robin, but who cares? The Beymer twins show up-
Kathryn insists that Sarabeth's spell over her is broken, but Sarabeth begs to differ, claiming that they all must die. I really hope "all of them" includes the Beymers, who are still trapped inside the monster blood. Aunt K reveals that 20 years ago, she thought Sarabeth was her friend. It's never explained how they met, but it's chapter 27, so who really cares by this point. It turns out that Sarabeth used dark magic to make her deaf, and she allowed no visitors, thus keeping Kathryn as her slave. When Evan arrived, Sarabeth had originally planned to scare him away but then realised "Wait, where would he go?" So, she decided to kill him instead. Bit of a leap from plan A to plan B there. She forced Kathryn to cast a spell on the tin of monster blood, immediatly making all the other books make absolutely no sense (except the second one, I guess). Kathryn says she's going to let herself get eaten by the monster blood, but Sarabeth says Evan and Andy are still gonna die. Gee, I can see why Aunt K thought Sarabeth was her friend. Evan gets the idea of rushing the door, but Andy points out that Sarabeth is blocking the doorway. It looks like the end for our heroes (and Kathryn), as Sarabeth commands the monster blood to kill them, because they know too much. Yeah, so, what're they going to do with the information? Are they going to go up to a police officer and say "Help, my Aunt's cat is a witch and she's turned some glow in the dark silly putty into the blob,"? Just then, however, enter Trigger, who jumps on Sarabeth and pushes her into the monster blood. Trigger leaps at Evan, and, like the quality of the franchise, begins to shrink, as does the monster blood. But, unfortunately for us all, the Beymer twins pop out of the monster blood.
Extra toppings
So, wait, have the police or anyone never done anything about the Beymers? I'm pretty sure mugging and/or beating people up is a criminal offense. How are they still roaming the streets and not in juvie?
Conclusion
Monster Blood is one of the best goosebumps books, in my opinion, especially compared to the other books in the franchise. It has likeable main characters (and Aunt Kathryn), and while they're pretty expendable, it's really fun to hate the Beymers. Overall, a brilliant book. Read it, legally or otherwise. Why are still here? Go read it! Stop whatever you're doing, and read it! RRGH!
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